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Hi Win Bin~ Just a couple thoughts here... You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think I need a NC letter. OM has not tried to contact me or pursue the A, other than just friendship. He's single, but he's moved on already. I'm not going to contact him anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Win~ Actually, if om is still in contact for "friendship", it is VERY NECESSARY he receives the NC letter. "Friendship" with an OP is not possible. It's like an alcoholic having a tiny sip of wine. IMO, it's still an EA. Beyond that, for the sake of your H, and also for yourself, you need to write the NC letter. It provides accountability and honesty to your H. It shows you are serious about NC. It is something concrete, to hold YOURSELF accountable too. Your H should see and approve of the letter, and witness you mailing it. I suggest sending it certified. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I haven't wanted to spill my feelings to H about OM. I'm sure he doesn't want to hear it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't assume he doesn't want to hear it. Some don't want to hear anything, some want to hear everything. Mine didn't want any details whatsoever. Still, I told my H from day one, and still remind him from time to time, I am an open book. Anything and everything he wants to ask, I will openly and honestly answer. Win, you can't know what your H wants and needs if you don't ask him directly. I guess that's about it for now. Give a shout out anytime. I hope today is a good day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ~ad
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Win Bin:
First Welcome!
Next, Please also make SURE to reach out to another RWW (recovered wayward wife)....she goes by the name of Knew Better.
[I haven't seen her ignore anyone if she's asked]
She is very thoughtful and gives out some most Helpful Advice.
I have always found her to be knowledgeable, articulate and INSIGHTFUL.
I'm confident you will as Well.
Getting her on your side would be a great move (IMO).
take care
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H and I had a long talk last night. I talked to him about the OM. And let him know I'm hurting. I feel bad telling H this, but I think he felt better being in on my feelings. I told him I do want to work things out and hes glad to hear that and do whatever we need to do. We got the book and we are going to work through it. He knows he's hurt me over the years and we have a ways to go. It felt good to be close for once and not fighting.
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Thanks for all your support. I just want the pain to be over. I know it will take time to emerge from the fog. It did help to talk to H about the OM. Put it more in perspective. I know it will get better, i just hope soon!! Last night was a big step for us. We have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of anger to get over. He needs to put me first finally.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It did help to talk to H about the OM. Put it more in perspective. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup~~Amazing how bringing something out in the open, to the light of day, [instead of under the cover of darkness], brings more perspective.
Doesn't look quite so pretty, rational, and logical as it did behind closed doors and dark shades.
Keep the lines of communication open with your H, Win. You are doing well.
Kind regards,
~ad
<small>[ March 11, 2005, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>
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Thanks, Doesnt always seem like I'm doing well. I take a step and then want to fall back into the old routine. H wants desperately for things to be fixed in a few days. I keep telling him I need time. That I'm in withdrawl and it's hard to focus on him right now. I told him he should find some BH on here that he can talk to, so he can vent his own feelings.
He did go and read my posts, which annoyed me because I feel like I can't spill all my feelings, but he has a right to know I guess. He also got into one of my email accounts. I'm just not too good at hiding stuff, lol. I'm just hoping the fog will lift soon. I'm just suprised this has happened to me!
--win
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I think that you were offered personal help right here on THIS thread WinBin !!! A thread that I started so you could reach out and ask for the help you need. Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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I think that you were offered personal help right here on THIS thread WinBin !!! A thread that I started so you could reach out and ask for the help you need. Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Yes, but unfortunately, Pep, you didn't bring back the other, numerous threads where you (and others) called my wife a "lying cheat". I know that you mean well, and it's clear there's an element of "saying things she doesn't want to hear" in Winnie's attitude toward the board. But the NEED shown by numerous BS's to jump on her with both feet at a time when she was just starting out on this journey really soured her on the board and that sucks, because she really could have used some input from other WS's. Instead, she's withdrawn from the board and has not been able to get help here. Trust me, I know the pain a BS feels. But I would say to all BS's that it's very unfair to bring the emotions YOU feel due to YOUR situation to bear on someone else's situation. And, I think Winnie made an excellent point on the other thread, which was ignored and I will repeat here, albeit a little more bluntly: "BS's need to take off the halos and realize that they may have had something to do with the EA/PA developing." I'm sure there are a few BS's that are 100% innocent and are victims of a horrible WS. But, for most of us BS's, we have to admit there were serious issues in the relationship that we were either causing or not helping to fix that led to us being in this place and dealing with this situation. Instead of jumping on the WS's to get back at our own WS's (a ridiculous thought), we need to support them patiently...if they are here, it means they are trying to change, and trying to make their relationship better. I honestly do appreciate the great advice that can be received on here, but I often wish people could moralize a little less and sympathize a little more, especially when it comes to new MB'ers.
BS 38 (me)
STBX 38
DD 8, DS 10
Lisa and Mike: 2/27/83-7/11/05
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Yes, but unfortunately, Pep, you didn't bring back the other, numerous threads where you (and others) called my wife a "lying cheat". Can you bring back the thread where Pep called her a lying cheat? Susan
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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Bassistist ..... please show me any or all of my inappropriate comments to Winnie, and I will apologize to her.
I would like to know what I have done wrong.
Thanks.
Pep
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"BS's need to take off the halos and realize that they may have had something to do with the EA/PA developing."
Unless we held guns to their head and made them have sex with another man, your wife AND mine CHOSE to deal with perceived relationship issues in our marriages by having an affair. The whole smorgasbord of options from talking, MC, arbitration, chaste seperation, litigation, summary divorce were ALL tools lying there to be used as POSITIVE,MORALLY SOUND methods of addresing those issues but our spouses chose to have sex with other men instead.
I take at least 50% of the responsibility for the dull-ish, unsatisfying marriage we had before the A but not ONE SHRED for her affair.
You take responsibility for WINs affair if you wish, mate, Whatever works for you, really. I can't do that - I had the INSTINCT To do that but I examined myself and realised it was conflict avoidance to accept more blame than was due me.
FWS like KY and KIWIJ have bravely and VERY SUCCESSFULLY taken FULL responsibility for their choice to have an affair DESPITE manifest challenges in their relationships they could use as excuses. And their recovery is all the faster and deeper for so doing.
All blessings
MB Alumni
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Bassistist ..... please show me any or all of my inappropriate comments to Winnie, and I will apologize to her.
I would like to know what I have done wrong.
Thanks.
Pep Page 12 of the "Withdrawing From A Painful Online Affair" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...art=12&vc=1And you also called me a "pimp" in the "My Wife Hates Me...Help" thread. While I agree with some of the things you say, I disagree with how you say them sometimes. And I'm still pretty angry that my wife got such crap on here that she abandoned the site, when it could have been helpful to her. I don't mean to come down on you specifically, because other people were harsh to her too, so don't assume what I'm saying is only directed at you.
BS 38 (me)
STBX 38
DD 8, DS 10
Lisa and Mike: 2/27/83-7/11/05
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I don't see anything I wrote on page 12. Are you sure this is the right page?
Pep
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BS 38 (me)
STBX 38
DD 8, DS 10
Lisa and Mike: 2/27/83-7/11/05
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Bassist, I saw the post you were referring to. Now read on to this quote by Pep to Win Bin: I know that you are probably sensitive to name-calling (even of others) .... and the reason I think you are so sensitive is that your self-esteem has beeen damaged by your own actions.
An affair damages a good person's self esteem because a good person, when doing something he/she views as low ... has to work really hard to come to grips with himself/herself that the reasons they acted in such a low manner was somehow reasonable.
The problem with this sort of justification is that it stalls personal recovery. Statements such as: ---> "What I did wasn't so bad. I had good reasons. I did these bad things because I was treated so badly." ... ~~~screech~~~~ the brakes have just been applied to the personal recovery momentum.
No one here (except perhaps the most raw newbies, or the chronically neurotic angry) thinks anyone who is willing to have NC and put forward their best effort in their marriage is a bad person. THAT willing person is
brave
admirable
strong
good
worthy
YOU are such a person.
The OP (unmarried) who comes to MB to ask questions about how to woo a wife away from a her husband, is seriously on the wrong site! And his/her reception is luke warm at best, and downright icy after awhile. Why? because their posts do damage to the freshly wounded. There is no welcome mat here for such a poster, they are not helpful, they are in fact hurtful.
YOU, on the other hand, are also freshly wounded. Your struggle is a noble one.
Keep your head high. Love yourself enough to be honest and truthful ---> first with yourself ... then with others.
And don't forget this --->
Your feelings, while important, sometimes hijack your other important personal character traits. Feelings have no morality. There is no judging feelings. Feelings do not require an automatic action ... without first consulting the other parts of yourself ... to see if acting on the feeling is actually in your best long-term interest. See if acting on the feeling alligns with your moral compass.
You ARE respected for your most excellent efforts so far! I (MB) value you so much.
Take care.
Pep You see, as a FWS and a BS, I see what Pep does. She says it like it is and it helps to knock some sense or truth into the WS. But once Win Bin ended the A look at the response she got. You have to be a little more thick skinned and accept that these are all opinions of people, human beings, KWIM? I value Pep's directness. I don't want someone playing nice/nice with me when I am doing wrong.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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still trying...
when I click on your link to page 12
I get 10 posts on page 12 .... which means what????
I need to look at a higher page on my screen, right???
still looking....
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I think the MB is here to support people who are dealing with both ends of a marriage in trouble.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes.
"Stop your affair." <--- That's saying something VERY supportive!
"You will be in a better position if you stop the affair." <--- That's saying something very supportive.
"An affair kills your spiritual center." <--- That's saying something supportive.
"Being a liar and a cheat cannot be a good thing for you." <--- That's saying something supportive.
"An affair is a dishonest response to a real life problem." <--- That's saying something supportive Pep, I believe this is what Bassist is referring to. Taken out of context it could be construed as insulting but not in the context of how it was written, IMHO
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Pep, I believe this is what Bassist is referring to. Taken out of context it could be construed as insulting but not in the context of how it was written, IMHO Thanks Faithful. Seems I should not try and help WS's ... ~ever~ I'll simply let them suffer until a former WS decides to post what they know is the correct wording of what is helpful to say. I will consider myself effectively muzzled by Dewt .... Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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I'll simply let them suffer until a former WS decides to post what they know is the correct wording of what is helpful to say.
I will consider myself effectively muzzled by Dewt .... Now THAT would be a crying shame. You have straightened out my way of thinking far more than anyone. I love your direct approach. So what if it doesn't work for everyone? {{Pep}} You are awesome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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