I have been away from the computer for 3 days now as WH and I spent the weekend together. It was a surprisingly good weekend too.

Gentlesoul - thank you so much for checking on me. It's so comforting to know someone truly cares. I am so impressed by your compassion for others as you too are going through a difficult time.

I am so glad I did not go with Plan B, because I was about to make a very emotional and regrettable decision. My WH is trying hard to do the right thing but I can see it is an uphill battle that he is fighting.

We had a nice day together Saturday and went on a 12+ hour unplanned date.

He still has not agreed to a NC letter but did ask her to not call again. (I can always tell when they are in contact by his demeanor - and I am almost always right. At least I have that to go on). Last night he took a huge step and asked me to keep his cell phone with me for the night because he felt like calling her. I am encouraged by that but am keeping my guard up for safety this time - each time it hurts worse and worse for us both.

I spoke with SH this AM and it was extremely helpful as he put a lot of things into perspective. I so glad I did it and hope someday soon we can talk to him together - it will be a challenge to get him to agree to that but SH gave me some suggestions that I look forward to using.

Hey Luv2bd! I'm so glad you had a good weekend with H and things are looking positive so far. Good move talking to Harley.

Dates are good...had one myself with H on Sunday and had a GREAT time. Drank some wine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (first time in a long time since it makes depression worse), had a wonderful dinner, perused an old bookstore...just like old times.

Time, patience and steps towards saving our M....you and I are both doing that on opposite sides of the same fence. Sounds like your H is almost there logically...he'll fight his heart/emotions for awhile. Stay stong, o.k.?

You're doing all the right things Luv2bd: You are very cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The week is ending kind of uncomfortably. His signs of withdrawal have abated and it is way too early for that - so I think they are back in contact again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He continues to use his IM account and has become defensive about cancelling it with talk about having a right to his privacy and feeling like a prisoner with all I am trying to take away from him blah blah blah. So I told him (without LBing) that until he can show me he can be trusted, I have no choice but to assume he is still in contact with her and I do not feel safe - I need to feel safe. He had no response after that. I kept it short and simple then we spent the evening together watching a movie and listening to music.

I'll continue to confront him about my suspicions until he becomes agreeable to proving that I can trust him or I lose the will to keep trying. Hopefully not the latter.

Hi Luv2bd,
Some people, especially men, don't have long withdrawls, but the IM account and the "privacy story" are not good signs. Hang in there. In the book by Harley, SAA, he talks about a Plan A for six months. Have you set a time limit for your Plan A?

Otherwise, are YOU doing o.k.? You know, sleeping and eating well? Promise you will take care of YOU while all this is going on. It's a long haul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Things on this side of the fence are o.k. Going back to normal. I'm out of withdrawls I think officially this week! Yahoo! Sooooo glad that is over. The worst 10 weeks of my life. I look back and think it is all surreal.

Anyway, keep in touch. You're doing so well with all this. Keep strong.
GS

gentlsoul - Again, Thank you so much for caring! Yes I am taking care of myself and doing better with sleeping, no problem eating, and I am exercising regularly. I feel much stronger after talking to SH.

I asked SH how long he thought I should stay in plan A and his response was - as long as I can. He said he usually discourages plan B if there are no children. This helped because it kind of took me out of "panic" mode, removing the feeling that I am running out of time. So as long as I feel strong - and I do - I'll keep at it.

I can appreciate what you mean about Dr H saying some people have shorter withdrawals. When my H quit smoking, he failed several times first - and watching his withdrawal then was very hard for me. Then once it finally took, it was the wierdest thing because he did it almost painlessly. He had finally made up his mind and there was no turning back.

But the IM account still bothers me very much and I don't know how to get my point across. I don't trust him and I know there still could be contact, although the signs are very different this time. So i wonder, is he talking to other people too? or not wanting to delete their old conversations and e-mails yet? and of course at the worst, still talking with her or keeping the door open for future contact?

He told me the last time they spoke (about 9 days now) he was very rude and had confronted her about suspicions he had that she does this sort of thing with other men simultaneously. He had been doing some "searches" on her hoping to find some dirt. I think its a good sign that he is seeing these flaws and it may be what has made it somewhat easier to "let her go". I still NEED PROOF! So my gut tells me they are not in contact anymore, but now I don't even trust my gut instinct!

I started to feel more of the anger and resentment set in this weekend - so its making it more of challenge to meet the EN he will let me meet - but I'll keep at it.

I think what I am struggling with the most over the last few days is a strong feeling of disappointment. I used to feel so proud and so lucky to have my H. I have always admired him for his strength and pride as a husband.

Now, I see a weakness that I didn't believe was there before and I'm angry to see him buckle under the accumulations of pressure we have faced together recently. I want so badly to see him step up as a man and take responsibility, take steps he needs to to correct his wrong, not hide them.

That is my sadness today, I feel he has lost some of my respect and admiration - I just hope he's willing to earn them back.

Luv2bd -
Glad you are taking care of yourself. You do have lots of time and panic isn't necessary.

The IM account would bother me too. BUT, it sounds like he is starting to question things. Logic will win! That is the true beauty of Plan A.

Disappointment is understandable. You may find it hard to get over (if ever). He's human though. I was just talking on the other Recovery board about this. Our M's aren't fairytales anymore, are they? Fairy tales aren't real though - real people have weaknesses. What you hopefully will find is that in the end, he does the right thing and your marriage will be stronger after all the recovery effort. I like to think my H loves me even though he knows all my faults. So I hope for you too.

Keep smiling through it all, o.k.?
GS

gentlsoul - your post brought tears to my eyes, you have a way of helping me hold my head up high and for that I am so grateful to you. It's true, fantasy's aren't real, and we both have weaknesses. I have always loved and accepted my H for who he is, both good and bad - I still do. And I know he loves me just the same.

This is all a struggle between conceptually understanding affairs - the how and why of it versus letting my emotions get the best of me and taking it as a personal attack from my H. I KNOW it was NOT intentional but I can't help but be offended by his willingness to continue once it was started - even though, again I understand he wasn't in his normal state of mind.

gentlsoul - I'm sure your H loves you so much regardless of your faults. He's still there by your side and that says a lot. I am confident that my H will eventually come around and let logic win too. It helps to vent all these thoughts so they don't sit and fester in my head.

I love my H with all my heart and hate to see him go through all this - but i agree, once we are able to begin recovery and eventually look back, I will feel so grateful I stayed by his side.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: luv2bd ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luv2bd:
<strong> This is all a struggle between conceptually understanding affairs - the how and why of it versus letting my emotions get the best of me and taking it as a personal attack from my H. I KNOW it was NOT intentional but I can't help but be offended by his willingness to continue once it was started - even though, again I understand he wasn't in his normal state of mind.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hang in there. Don't excuse his actions by any means. You should be offended. What he is doing is so wrong. If he is the man you know he truly is, when he comes out of all this, he is going to feel horrible for what he's done.

Saying goodbye to OW, No contact, honest admission, withdrawl......THEN RECOVERY begins.

Long road ahead. Hang in there and write when you need an e-hug. ((((((Luv2bd)))))))))

GS

Well I got the MAJOR break WE needed!! BS's should love this one. It turns out my WH did some pretty good snooping (I admit, better than I've done with him!) and she had at least 2 other simultaneous relationships going, one also on the internet and the other was a "boyfriend". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My H gathered the contact information for those 2 men and exposed her! He feels so "good" right now because he caught her and has taken "revenge".

He's sharing all this with me but it's funny because he still didn't see the irony of it all. As I have the advantage of sitting back and watching all this chaos, (with much satisfaction mind you!) I was able to point out how ironic it was that he got cheated on while cheating on me! - and that is my "revenge". He kind of laughed and said he never thought of it that way - and I couldn't help but laugh too - I think he is actually enjoying the fact that I am also getting enjoyment out of this on his behalf after everything he has put us through.

So today the other 2 men are supposedly going to confront her and her world is going to come crashing down. This is going to be one angry b**ch! Now I am expecting to get a phone call from her so she can get her satisfaction by trying to expose my H - but I won't give her the pleasure!

It turns out she even lied about her mother dying (she's alive and well) to manipulate my H and one of the other guys - she is one sick person.

Now I will enjoy the fact that through all this I am still sitting pretty with ALL my dignity intact. I have stayed true to myself and will only be a better person because of it - and because of this my H will one day be able to see just how much he almost lost. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WOW,luv2B:

That's "great" news. That info should certainly help your H let go and stop romanticizing the OW. His withdrawal should be speedy now! (I wish I had such info to help me over the hump!).

Gentlsoul is right, down the road he will see what he has done and will be so grateful to YOU for how you've handled the whole situation. He will see how much you love him and that you stood by him. That will surely meet some of his EN'S!

Have a great day!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luv2bd:
[QB] Well I got the MAJOR break WE needed!! BS's should love this one. It turns out my WH did some pretty good snooping and she had at least 2 other simultaneous relationships going, one also on the internet and the other was a "boyfriend". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My H gathered the contact information for those 2 men and exposed her!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luv2bd!!!!! Great News!!!! You DID catch a break that he decided to check her out. You're winning. <<<<Doing an e-dance for you>>>>>

Just in case, get ready if the OW doesn't let go so easy and pleads with him...."That's not me"....."I'm so sorry"....."It's you I love" wah wah wah. And, you're right about the anger explosion when her fake world comes crashing in around her.

Boy, he's pretty foggy if he doesn't see the irony of betrayal. He will though, and I'll bet dollars to donuts he's REALLY sorry when fog lifts.

Do you think it might be time to think about a No Contact letter soon? It's good for him, and it's really what you deserve.

For now though, enjoy the moment. Yeah for you! This made my day. I'm very happy for your breakthrough. I hope it's coming to an end soon, just don't let your guard down.
GS

cardsonly and gentlsoul - Thank you so much for sharing in my breakthrough.

gentlsoul - you are right about not letting my guard down though - I will stay on my toes.

Aaaaaaaaaarrrggghhh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> This is so fustrating though. Yesterday she called WH as expected and cried about what he had done and was upset that she not only lost WH, but the other guy too. She tried to win my WH back (you always hit the nail on the head gentlsoul!) and in the process continued to lie and WH called her out on it standing his ground. Apparently they talked awhile (which I am not too happy about) and he pointed out the things she was doing to destroy her life and what she needs to change. IMO he spent waaaaayyy too much time on this.

So, I asked him (although I knew the answer) "did you tell her that as a married man you never should have been involved in the first place and the right thing to do was end for that reason alone" ? No, of course not. I told him that would have been an appreciated gesture on my behalf.

It is so hard to bite my tongue and not lash out at him for doing the same thing to me that he is so pissed off, offended, and wounded by her about! The fog really is thick, I guess I expected it to lift at least a little after the realization of her huge flaws.

I am thinking about the NC letter again. I feel I need it, not only for me but as a way for him to start to see that in no way was this justifiable. I have a feeling he'll fight me on it though - we'll see.