CW -
Quote from you on other thread:
_______________________________________________
I have bad days when I'm missing the OM. I let myself think about all the e-mails, phone conversations and times we were together. But I'm holding strong and not making contact with him. He e-mails me once a week to say hi and he hopes I'm doing ok. He also calls about once every 2-3 weeks. I have quit telling him how much I miss and love him because he would just say I know. We even talked of marriage and a future together but I know deep in my heart that it could never be what a marriage is suppose to be. What I'm having such a hard time with is missing his love. My hubby thinks it was just an online & phone affair and I can never tell him the truth. It's hard to be in counseling when you are hiding half your heart & soul from your spouse. I'm doing better every day but have my really bad days. And I know I have a long long way to go.
I just don't understand why I'm so angry at my hubby for the affair ending. The OM broke it off because he said he could not be the cause of breaking up a family. Our biggest problem is that there has been no sexual attraction to my hubby since we got married 20 yrs ago and he's quite aware of it. But he's willing to forgo that for the rest of our good qualtites (his words) But then knowing what I could have with AM how can I live like this the rest of my life. God I wish I could just be brainwashed and feel for my hubby like I did the other man....We used to be best friends until the death of my Mom a year ago. And an emotional affair that happened at work which he knows a bit about but not the whole story. My mothers death was very hard on me and the fall out really did a lot of damage to our marriage--but it's a long long story. Let's put it this way he was on my step-dads side and I was on my siblings side and it hurt me more than he could ever know.
Has anyone else gone through no sexual attraction and gotten it back???? The counsler asked why I wanted to save my marriage and my list is as follows, does anyone think I can save my marriage and not be so bitter towards my hubby?
1. Our 17 DD
2. His 30 SS & His 27 SD
3. What we've built the last 20 yrs (Material things and I know no one could love me like he does)
4. Our Friends & Family
Sorry if I'm rambling but my heart & mind are in such turmoil and I feel so LOST.....
_______________________________________________
You've also said at one point you were suicidal and that your H could be if he knew the whole truth of your PA.
CW - as I said a few times before, I hope you will totally disconnect from OM. He said he broke it off with you because he didn't want to break up your family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Too late. He broke it off because he found someone else to prey upon, you know that right? I know he still calls you, but get rid of that guy. He's poison to you right now at such a critical juncture in your M right now. Send him a No Contact letter - please, for your sake. His presence skews your thinking about how you feel about your H.
And, open up everything to your H. Honesty is the only way. The whole truth - get the lies and deception out of you like the toxic energy that it is. Be safe though, as you've said he is possessive and controlling. Your MC will help you.
Until OM is gone totally and honesty is the environment you are in....MC and everything else cannot work. You've been married a long time and said your H was your best friend. I hope you find the courage to commit to your best friend and give it everything. You can get feeling back, even sexual attraction.
Remember....an action plan will give you strength. It's a long tough road, but so worth it in the end. For H and for you. Hang in there.
GS
