Cards,

I think once you rid of the conversations, you will let go. It will take time. I had to delete all of our emails. When my H discovered the A, he sat at the computer while I deleted everyone of them. It was hard, but I had no choice and now I cannot look back and read those emails. I still have saved all of our previous conversations when we talked on the forum as well as the contacts after we ended it. I know I will have to delete those someday when I feel ready.

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

I don't know if I know the "right" answer about your H knowing about this site. Honesty is so important. Does he know everything about your EA? In any case, my H knew I was struggling and I simply told him about this website. He didn't have any preconceived ideas so he had no problem with me getting support here. It is "Marriage Builders", I don't know what the objection could be. After my H understood about the withdrawal, etc I told him over & over how helpful it has been to me. Last week he came to the site and read some of my postings. I had revealed a couple facts in my postings that H didn't know. That did cause a problem because I hadn't gone back and rectified those issues with him. This site was instrumental in me getting through the last 3 weeks, and having the ability to be honest with my feelings & what happened was invaluable. Where is your relationship with your H? How is he feeling?

Cards,

My husband knows practically everything about the A. Sometimes I tell him that he knows too much information. He even knows much about the OM's family and where they live etc. My husband does not know that I had any further contact with the OM. I am fearful of that because my H has the email address of the OM's W. The OM's W emailed me when it was over and told me to stop emailing and contacting her H. I wrote her and apologized and told her I would not. I am fearful that my H would write the OM's W if he knew I had more contact.

My H has seemed to have moved on from all of this. He really feels ok now and has forgiven me. He has no thoughts anymore of either of the OM. If I didn't say so before this has been going on since 7/03 with OM #1 first. So my H has dealt with it for quite some time. When he found out about OM #2 and how I came to know him and how things progressed from there, it was difficult but we worked through many issues. I am trying not to talk about the OM anymore to him which is why I came on here. I need to talk somewhere to help me get through this.

My H knows of this site, but not of the forum. He also does not know of the other contacts I had with the OM.

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

2b

as a H who had to go through this mess I think you are courting disaster by not getting rid of those photos. Somehow, someway your H will find out, usually simple mistake and then the you know what will hit the fan.
It will be like being betrayed all over again.

Most Souses seem to be only able to go through this once, some have done this more than once but I wouldn't again.
Once I decided I wanted to try to get over this & work with my W to rebuild our M, the only thing that was only NOT NEGOTIABLE was the truth about the affair and details.

DONT lie or it will come back to bite you big time. If you cant share all the details honestly then tell your H that you cannot do that yet.
You really do need to start being honest with him if you want your M to survive,

If you have not gone to counselling then you should seeek that urgently both MC & IC.
I think its good you know what EN;s were not being meet by H, but do you know what ones - besides fidelity - you have to meet, do you know if you have ever met them???

it is an opportunity to start over but you need to do some work here starting with withdrawal so good luck & please keep in mind the honesty thing with your H.

Aussie,

Thank you for your words. I know the pics have to go, but I am having difficulty with that at the moment.

To answer your question about counseling. Yes, we went to counseling together. We only had 3 sessions and stopped. At that point we didn't feel the counselor was helping us any more.

We did discuss in great detail my EN's as well as my H's EN's. H is trying to meet my needs. It doesn't always happen but we keep trying and trying to move forward.

Nope - my divorce won't be final until the first or second week in May. They're getting married immediately thereafter (some time around the 16th, I believe). They're not in too much of a rush, huh?

Today I am feeling anger and I don't even how else to describe it. I feel angry because I have to admit that NC is the only way to move past this. I feel angry because I miss the OM. I miss talking to him. I miss telling him everything and hearing everything about him. I feel angry because I don't feel that my H can ever provide the things that the OM provided for me. I am sure you all have heard this before. I want to move on past this stage, but it hurts! I need encouragement to make it through what I am feeling!

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!!

Honestly, it is all about TIME+NO CONTACT, and the reinforcement of why it HAS to end. I know it is SO hard, MANY of us know EXACTLY what you're feeling (I'm trying to convince myself every day!). I had to keep telling myself over & over & over that it is not about OM - it is about me & my NEEDS not being met. Take the OM out of the equation. We don't even really know them!

Make a "pros" and "cons" list of keeping the EA going. In black and white it is so obvious. The "cons" were devastating - ruining 2 marriages, destroying kids' lives, disgracing myself, etc. The "pros"? FEELING GOOD was the bottom line - meeting the EN's! I only found about TWO EN's that OM was meeting. Big ones, for sure, but only 2! Do one for yourself and look at it.

My EA has been over for about 5 weeks. I am JUST NOW genuinely feeling guilty & remorseful with regards to my H. I KNEW it was wrong and hurtful, but am just now feeling it. SO...... TIME! The stages of letting go will happen, but you have to feel the pain first.

We are so lucky that we have H's who are willing to help repair our M's.

Keep posting here, it will help you focus on reality and help bring you out of the fantasy.

2Bnormal & Cardsonly,

I’m glad the post from Ark I’ve posted yesterday was helpful to both of you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Also, please take a look at this thread I started today. You will find it helpful too.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks Cards for the encouragement! Reading here and posting does help. It is so hard to take the OM out of the picture but I HAVE to do that! I HAVE to stop checking my email! I HAVE to put a stop to all my thoughts!


Make a "pros" and "cons" list of keeping the EA going. In black and white it is so obvious. The "cons" were devastating - ruining 2 marriages, destroying kids' lives, disgracing myself, etc.

Funny thing is the OM and I did this (pros and cons) to try to see that it wouldn't work out for us, but we kept going into the fantasy and thinking we could overcome it! We even made lists of why it could work!


The "pros"? FEELING GOOD was the bottom line - meeting the EN's! I only found about TWO EN's that OM was meeting. Big ones, for sure, but only 2! Do one for yourself and look at it.

This is a good point! I will make a list for myself!

My EA has been over for about 5 weeks. I am JUST NOW genuinely feeling guilty & remorseful with regards to my H.

I haven't reached this point yet! I know in my head it was wrong. I saw the pain it caused my H, but I still haven't felt completely guilty or remorseful.

I am thankful for a forgiving husband that still wants ME!

Suzet,
Thank your for starting that thread! I read through it and found it very helpful this morning! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're the same as me, 2B, your intellect knows what has to happen, but your emotions are ruling. It's a constant battle, I know. YOU WILL PROGRESS, though. Keep going, keep writing, keep fighting the emotions. Your head knows what's right and logical. Think of the long run. I'm certainly not out of the woods, but I am encouraged that little by little the fog has lifted, and my thinking is changing. It will for you, too.

Thanks Suzet, all your posts and words have most helpful to me during these weeks. What a blessing to have you and others and this site. To have support and people that understand and don't judge has been invaluable.

2B-I keep forgetting to ask. Do you know why you went from one EA right into another?

Cards, I have thought about this alot. It's very complicated, but I can see how easily I went into the 2nd EA. About midway of EA #1, I sought help to try to end my EA on another forum. I was so lost. This was in 1/04. My help turned to individual PM's from the man who would become my EA#2. We talked this way for about 6 months and most of that time not revealing our real names, where abouts etc. He became my accountability partner to end the EA #1, but at the same time we shared our hearts with each other. I finally let go of the EA #1 in 8/04. At that point I was already communicating with OM (to be) #2 and did not want to give up my friendship with him as he had helped me so much to move past OM #1. I had a month where I felt free and released of OM #1, but never told my H that I had continued contact with OM #1. My H knew of OM #1 and knew that I met him in 10/03, but he thought it all ended.

After a month went by of letting go of OM #1, feelings for OM#2 for me and for him started to show and one day our communications just flipped into the EA where we could not turn back to just being friends. We had grown to know each other's hearts over the many months of communications, that it was only a natural progression if we kept communicating.

So thinking of the whole thing...I went from 7/03 through 12/04 with an E/A, but had 2 different ones and almost 2 at the same time. Does this make sense?

I forgot to add that OM #1 emailed me on 12/25/04 and 12/26/04 after 4 months of NC. So strange that it would occur right at the time that EA #2 was about to blow up!! I had no problem telling OM #1 that we cannot communicate! I have not heard from him since and don't expect to!

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

Hi 2BNormal –

I’ve been where you are, so what I have to say is written with the voice of experience, no matter how harsh it might sound.

A few quotes from some of your above posts:

“I did give into contacting OM #2 a few times and he gave in as well. Our contact was mainly for me was to try to put closure to it and ask for forgiveness.”

“We ended late Dec. but yet we have said good-bye and no communication 4 more times after that!!”

“I did give into contacting OM #2 a few times and he gave in as well. Our contact was mainly for me was to try to put closure to it and ask for forgiveness.”

I think you have pretty much proven that there is no such thing as closure! “Closure” is just an excuse to continue contact. The reality is that any contact is a continuation of the A. It may not seem like that to you right now, but believe me, it will seem like that to your H!

Your H has been generous to you so far – but how long will he be able to endure your having an A? Everyone has a limit.

“We tried to stop it over and over again.”

This reminds me of the joke, “I can quit smoking any time I want; I’ve quit a thousand times!” The point is – continuing to do something is not quitting.

“I feel like I would be "erasing" him forever and I cannot do that yet!”

I’m thinking you know that “erasing” OM from your life is exactly what you have to do. If you want to save your M, start think about your H’s feelings more than your own (or OM’s).

“I feel angry because I don't feel that my H can ever provide the things that the OM provided for me.”

You can’t know this for sure unless you give your H a chance to fill your needs. He can’t do that as long as OM is in your life.

Concentrate on your H and your M. A good way to start is to read His Needs, Her Needs and do the questionairres.

Hang in there. I know it’s hard.

God bless,

Rose

Rose,

Thank you for your words that I needed to hear today! I realize that each communication with the OM is still communication regardless. The OM and I had said this to each other with these communications and that we are not honoring our marriages and we need to STOP! By posting here, it is helping me. I see that others have the same struggles and they are working through it. I see others that have made it! It is encouraging and very helpful!

To be clear, my H does not know that the OM and I had further communications. I am fearful of telling him right now. I will when I feel ready, but at the moment I cannot.

2Bnormal -

Word to the wise (again from the voice of experience) - if you're going to tell your H, the sooner you do it, the better. It could be the most surefire way to stop the communication with OM. Either because your H will make sure it stops (by speaking with OM or OMW), or the look on your H's face will finally convince you to stop.

What I've learned is that we WS's are capable of underestimating how badly hurt our H's are, and the extent of the damage an A does to them emotionally, psychologically, spirtually, etc. Some say the first cut is the deepest, but I'm not sure about that - it seems like each cut goes deeper, really.

If you confess sooner, rather than later, the less there will be to confess. Warning: Confessing to continued contact will be a second d-day for your H! BTDT. (Been there, done that.)

It seems like earlier in this thread you said you and H had been in MC briefly but that it hadn't seemed to be helping. MC doesn't help unless contact with OM stops and you are 100% back into your M.

Talking to your MC privately about needing to confess more, or even counseling with an IC or pastor, can help you decide how and when to confess, and maybe provide a safe place to do it.

God bless,

Rose

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Rose, I almost was going to have another MC session to reveal the contact that I had with the OM. At that point...probably 3 good-byes ago...I felt so sure it was done and over and that there would be no further contact. But... 2 weeks later OM writes to say he is having a difficult day. Then 2 weeks later (last Friday) I gave in and wrote.

When we were in MC, we were in NC. The contact occurred after MC. MC helped in some ways. MC gave H and I ideas to bring us closer. It was just my addiction to the EA that brought the further contacts. Now, I do feel that further contact is finished and will not occur.

The primary reason we did quit MC was we had some financial hits at that time and we could not afford the MC. We read much together a book called Torn Assunder. This helped my H to see how the EA happened and helped him to understand my emotions.

When I confessed everything to my H on 12/29/04, he found out that I continued contact with OM #1 and he found out about OM #2. He had already experienced so much pain from OM #1 (the PA that occured)from the previous year, that my H felt that he recovered quickly from my reveal of OM #2. It hurt nonetheless, but he was happy in knowing the truth and for me to admit that I needed help!

Do you recommend I first contact the MC before confessing? I am just plain scared as my H feels so comfortable and trusting of me now and I know this will bring us back to the beginning!

2Bnormal -

You have to do what you believe will make you and your H feel the most comfortable. Just be prepared for whatever the fallout might be.

You know your H better than I do, of course, and how patient he is. Maybe an EA doesn't seem as awful to him after surviving the PA.

I just know that I wish I had sought counseling before our 2nd d-day. I waited a year before I told my H how long it took me to end contact after confessing the A. To me, continued contact didn't seem as bad as having the A - until I told my H about it!

My H was willing to go through the process of learning to forgive me for the PA, but then almost left me when he found out about the extra e-mails! I was totally unprepared for his reaction. I really thought I had pushed him beyond his limit. The fact that we're still M is nothing less than a miracle.

Just proceed with caution, and be compassionate about your H's feelings.

God bless,

Rose

Rose,
Thank you for the advice. I will have to proceed with caution. It will not be easy! But in the end, I know in my heart that the truth is better than secrets being kept.