Still trying to push forward here, but I still struggle with thoughts of the OM. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. I feel as if I have to stuff this all inside and work through it all by myself and that hurts to do so!

My contact with the OM was primarily at work and that is where I have the toughest time. Anyone have any suggestions on this? I can't change my job. I try to stay busy, but at moments where things are slow my mind wanders to the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> My contact with the OM was primarily at work and that is where I have the toughest time. Anyone have any suggestions on this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>2Bnormal, maybe you will find the following thread helpful: Guidelines: How to do NC at work . Also, please read the post I sent to whisper28 on my withdrawal thread because I think some of the things I said to her is also applicable on you.

2Bnormal, regarding you still working at the same company as OM - I don’t know what are the reasons for you not being able to find another job and I know in some countries and in some circumstances this is a real problem to many people, but please, if it is possible for you AT ALL to quit your job and/or find another one, please do so without any hesitance. I can’t emphasize this enough… One of the reasons my withdrawal was so long and intense and I took so long to recover and ‘get over’ the XOM was because I’m still working at the same company than him. I know my withdrawal and personal recovery would have been so much faster if it wasn’t for this.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Suzet,

Thank you for replying this morning. I hope you have a nice 2 weeks off and enjoy yourself.

I do not work with the OM. The OM lives 900 miles away from me. I have never met him in person. My struggles are with sitting in front of the computer where I wrote him all day.

I will check out the threads you suggested. Thanks for be such an encouragement!

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

2Bnormal, so sorry for the misunderstanding – seems my head is not so clear today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>My struggles are with sitting in front of the computer where I wrote him all day.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can also have empathy with this since my contact with XOM was mostly through e-mail at work. My computer was a constant struggle and ‘trigger’ during withdrawal and early recovery. The following things helped me to cope:

1. I turned off the sound of my computer so that I couldn’t hear the alerts of new e-mail. Later I also turned off the option on my computer that notified me on my screen every time new e-mail arrived. During my involvement I checked my e-mails regularly to see if there was new mail in my inbox from XOM. After contact ended, I only signed into the service if it was really necessary for me to read/send e-mails for work related purposes.

2. If I really felt the urge to e-mail/contact XOM, I e-mailed/contacted my H in stead or posted to these boards… Posting/reading here and posting advice & support to other members was also of tremendous help to help me to stay focused.

3. I develop a good support system:

- Other than my H (who is my greatest friend and confidant), I also confided in a few of my closest female friends (some of them at my work) and my mom and the days I felt ‘down’, weak and/or vulnerable to contact XOM, I would e-mail and/or speak to them in stead or I would go out for a cup of coffee with one of them or whatever. My H, close friends & mom was very supportive and this also helped me tremendously.

- I also seek professional help & support and decided to confide in a Christian counselor/therapist at my work. She also become a great friend & confidant of mine and was also of tremendous help during my withdrawal and personal recovery. I also e-mailed her sometimes when I had the urge to contact OM or when I felt weak or ‘down’. She was the one who advised me to go on Anti-Dep’s. The medication was of big help during my personal recovery and to help me get through withdrawal.

Suzet

2BNormal:

YES! VERY hard to be at work where the pc is! MY OM IM me a couple times a day at work with handwritten messages. Even now (about 6 wks since he has IM) it is still hard to sit here. I do not even sign on to IM anymore. Fortunately, I had never used it before him and don't need it now. Someone addressed this issue on my thread, about turning it off and/or changing the alert sounds. I sometimes have it on at home to alert me to new e-mails, but I have the volume turned off-it's physical response that takes me right back when I hear that alert! It's like a knife in my heart! I'm also thinking of changing my background "wallpaper" to something different just to give the pc's a different look. I also had his weather posted on "My MSN" page just to feel close. I haven't changed that yet, but I don't have that page pulled up automatically. I am amazed at the things I did.

This may sound strange to some since this was EA only, but I also have memories triggered by places I go. I actually link certain stores or places to OM because I remember the day I went there I was anticipating a night of online, for example. So, even though 2000 miles away, there are memories everywhere not just sitting at the pc. How bizarre.

This tells me the stronghold this OM/addiction had on me. It has made me explore myself deeply. Where I believed I was so strong in character, I now see my vulnerabilities.

Day by day it will get better 2B, I PROMISE!!!! Hang in there.

Thanks Suzet - I though it was you who posted that info for me, but I wasn't sure! It was most helpful!

Suzet & Cards,

Thank you for your encouragement. I did not have an alarm for my email. OM and I set up special email accounts just for each other on yahoo. But I still will check this email. I have it completely emptied now - even of the contact from these last few weeks where we said good-bye again. I still have them (the current ones), but I moved them to another account in which I don't open frequently. We did not talk much on IM, but our emails were a constant all day communication. I would know when he got to work, leave for meetings, when he left at the end of the day...etc. We would worry if we did not get our replies right away!

I do try to read here and also call my H when I feel weak or down.

Cards, I do understand about the other thoughts and triggers even though we never met our OM. I have those as well. Movies we talked about, restaurants he ate at, talking on cell phone on way to work..etc. etc.!! Places I would be when I thought of him or conversations of the day. I had triggers for a long time with OM #1. I called him much more and I would have triggers at the places where I would sit in my car and call him on my cell.

The stange thing is I can see the OM #1 for who he was and what it was and that it was all so wrong, but I still cannot see OM #2 that way. I even told this to my H last night.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

Hi 2B,
I'm fairly new to MB also. just reading your post now and wanted to comment. I am the BS of my H's EA's. He had one woman last May-Juneish that he had supposedly fallen in love with. they never did meet but spoke on their cell phones and emailed each other constantly throughout the day as you said. they too set up yahoo accounts for one another. but I busted into his and WOW, almost wish I hadn't. The pain was great!! the betrayal was brutal. It was also the same day my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident(double whammy). I love my H desperatly and was very willing to forgive. He said it was over but I contacted her (I had her email address). she is now on my buddy list and we talk occassionaly, i am certain they are through. but he continues to carry on his behavior with other women online. he claims it is just a game and that is why he chooses females hundreds of miles away. he just wants that feel good feeling. sorry, I just say this to let you know how I feel (and maybe your OM's BS feels the same betrayal and hurt) and your OM might just be playing a game with you. don't let him mess with your heart!! My H tells his "ladies" all kinds of bullcrap about himself that just is not true. he once even said he worked for the Government.HA!! you just never know.
Hold firm 2B .... NO CONTACT!! for his BS's sake and mostly for your own sake.... good luck !!

-Jamie-

Hi Mainegirl,

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry for the hurts you are feeling. I have never been the BS, but I saw the hurts my BS felt.

Can I ask you why you talk to the OW on IM?

Hi 2B,
sure you can ask... I talk with her to find out what kind of person she is, to know that she is REAL.she is also married and several years younger then my H. I also chat with one other of his women, nothing transpired between them i am sure. she is from India and has indicated that she does not allow overtly flirtatious behavior. I chat with her A LOT!! they both give me insight. It is part of my healing,at least that is what I tell myself,LOL. I don't blame them for the demise of my M. ultimately it is my Hs behavior,and my allowing it to transpire. besides, I have no one else to chat with...
-Jamie-

Mainegirl,

I cannot imagine talking to my OM's W! That is why I ask. If you need to talk you can talk to me or others on here. Do you have friends near you that you can talk with and help you through this?

2B,
No I have no close friends.I basically have been a sort of shut in housewife/mother. what I have for family/friends are not really too be trusted. they would love to gossip and run amok with my demise,unfortunately. That is why I am here at MB. Venting is good for the soul!!
But on the upside, I have recently landed a job and am starting to get a life!! Love to chat with any and all,thanks.
Still wishing you the best!!
-Jamie-

Mainegirl,

It's good that you are on here and getting help for your marriage. There seem to be many good and wise people here that can help you and give you direction. Congrats on your job too!

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>