So, here I sit........

WH said before he left this morning that he would not bother me or call me any more. But, that if I need him for anything, to call him, and he will answer.

I still want to save my M. I still very much love my H.

I want to be strong and happy with my life.

Right now, things look and feel very bleak. I know I should do something good for myself today, I just don't know what.

All I want to do is cry.

Hurting very badly.

K

K,

For me the first three weeks were very, very hard. But in a different kind of way. In the kind of way that you know it is the right thing to do.

Everything is going to be okay K. Trust that. I really think he will crumble if you can stick to this.

And he NEEDS to bottom out before he can be the husband you want.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

Thanks, Weaver....

After reading some other posts, I have probably done and said all the wrong things to WH.

I don't know.....I begin to think about what I said to him, what I asked of him, etc. And I think I am in the wrong to ask any of this of him.

Then, I think - WH stayed in contact with OW - is that my fault too? Is he just making excuses - because of my "lack of passion"?

Pep said men love an enthusiastic partner.....I was at first, then WH's attitude toward me changed back to his one of indifference.

I can only feel rejected so much before I stop putting myself and my feelings out there.

I guess if this all goes south, it is ultimately my fault.

I am trying desperately not to have a pity party.

This all looks like verbal diarrhea.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess if this all goes south, it is ultimately my fault. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K, that is so not true.

You are doing the single best thing (and the only thing) that you have available to you right now to save your marriage and to save yourself.

He KNOWS what he was doing was wrong, he KNOWS that he was not being loving, he KNOWS that you would have been the loving, sexy, vibrant wife that you are if he had allowed you to be by behaving like a good husband.

Believe me K, he knows.

Now with your Plan B he is going to get the chance for what he knows in his psyche to make it's way to his brain.

He cannot blame you now that you are out of the picture. He will first shift his nastyness to his OW and then to himself. It is at that point that he will have some kind of lightflash moment where he realizes what he has done, which was destroy his own marriage.

This is a chance that your marriage can be saved K. Hold onto that thought for dear life. It is the ONLY thing you can do at this point to change the dynamics of your marriage.

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Thank you Weaver.....

I'm holding on to that thought.

I do know that I could not go on letting him continue his contact with OW, and continue treating me the way he was.

I hope that someday he will have that flash of light where he really sees....REALLY SEES for himself.

WH asked yesterday why I didn't confront him the moment I had proof there was contact (still denying that there was contact - couldn't remember).

I told him I waited until I was not so angry anymore, so that I could make the right decision for me.

He just doesn't get it.

Thanks, again, I feel a ray of hope - I'm not going to allow myself to get lost in his fog.

Deepest thanks, K

Then, I think - WH stayed in contact with OW - is that my fault too? Is he just making excuses - because of my "lack of passion"?

k,

I am not so sure about this "lack of passion" thing he keeps spouting. I *feel* that his so called definition of "passion" is for you to participate in things that you are not comfortable with...and which I might add are not exactly marriage friendly. If I remember correctly he is quite lewd and vulgar with you at times in the "what turns him on and what he would like to see you do" arena. Am I correct?

Pep said men love an enthusiastic partner.....

well...far be it for me to speak for pep, BUT I don't think that she meant "enthusiastic" in the sense that your H might see "enthusiasm". Again, I am referring to the things that he wants and the way that he likes to talk to you. Wasn't there an incident at a concert...with a female singer...and he made comment about what he wanted to see YOU do to the female singer...or the female singer do to you.

To me...that does not mean you are not enthusiastic. It means that his idea of an enthusiastic sexual relationship with you has crossed some kind of appropriate line. I know that it sure would be for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I happen to feel that there are appropriate behaviors. NO other person is allowed within that part of your relationship.

He would like another person to be in that scope...wouldn't he?

I cannot help but think that you are not going to win that "passion" battle unless you compromise your own values.

JMHO
committed

Thanks Committed....

You are right.

And I do have plenty of passion for him.....if he would let me.

I asked him yesterday (when he started talking about wanting to watch porn with me - and I have no objection to that.....well, not much) what changed....when our kids were in high school, he made me take HBO off of our cable because he didn't want that stuff in our home. Now he wants to watch porn.....

He said "Yeah, and I used to pray. Now I cuss. So what's changed?"

He says he is not that man anymore. That he doesn't like who I have changed into.

He obviously doesn't like me to be strong, have an opinion, or stand up to him.

I don't think he ever did. And I have laid down too long and let him walk on me.

NOW I STAND......

K

K,

He is having an A tantrum and you are letting him take it out on you.

Instead of browbeating yourself, practice in the mirror how you will react to future fog babble.

L.

What you are going through now is a process that I think is a good attribute of Plan B. Get separate from your H. Think hard about yourself and him--objectively. Who are YOU? What do you like, what DOES create passion in you? What honestly turns you off? You need to start looking at yourself and knowing yourself NOT in relation to your H and his reactions and feedback, but just YOU.

Plan B protects you from the hurt of the ongoing A--and your H's continued attempts to blame you for everything--so it is your fault that he kept up contact simply b/c you didn't confront him right away? It is the WS script to blame anyone but themselves for their actions. My WH said the A never would have gone on for so long if the OW had not been so persistent. Not ABLE to end it or not WILLING to end it--either way it was HIS responsibility. So in Plan B you don't have to get pulled into their twisted logic or their sweet talking call me if you need me stuff.

I urge you to going on your own spiritual and emotional journey to being as healthy as you can be and you are doing great so far. This too shall pass. Let him come to you, if he does and when he does, let him lead your marriage back on track. If you do all the work you allow him to slide his responsibility and stop his own growth journey.

Thinking of you.

Thanks Anne and Orchid.....

Went to town and had my nails done, and some lunch with DS's fiance.

I am feeling much better now.

Thinking over all that WH has said to me in the past couple of days has all crystalized in my mind now.

He wants to do what he wants, and have no one say anything to him about.

He doesn't want to feel any guilt, and if everyone else is to blame, that lets him off the hook.

I've said it before, his A is not my fault.

Looking back, I see my guilt in the matter...I let things get maybe a little boring - too day to day. I also let him walk on me at every turn. I had no opinion, and felt worthless.

So, I'm getting up and dusting myself off. I'm going to get busy learning about me, and what I want from life.

What's that saying..."What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

Well, I'm not dead yet!!!

My deepest gratitude to you MBers!

K

K,

I just read your other thread, and now I am concerned. I am remembering your past threads when he got a little bit freaky.

Do you think you should take yourself somewhere, into hiding?

A safe place until after he blows?

I'm sorry K. I don't know which thread to post on, but am reading both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay Weaver.....

I'll stop posting on the other thread. It's starting to confuse me too!

I think WH has gone away for the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to go to the beach with him! He was still waiting for me to give in when he left.

I did not.

He can blow hot and cold til he's blue in the face. I will not give in on this.

I do not deserve to be lied to and cheated on and hurt over and over and over again!

I think he finally got that part of it when he said he did not want to hurt OW again, and I asked him how many times did he think that I ought to let him hurt me!?!

If things get dicey again, I will protect myself...by either leaving, or calling the police.

I am being very careful. Thanks for your concern.

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Glad to hear it.

We are all still going to worry though.

I am so happy you are sticking to your guns on this K.

I just found this thread, hang in there, K!

I'm hangin' in!!!!

Thanks guys......K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

New morning....and a beautiful one.

I'm hanging in there by my newly done nails.

I have lots to do around here today. Yesterday, I steam cleaned my bedroom carpet, changed the furniture around (moved WH's dresser to the spare room), and really did some cleaning up.

It makes me feel good to look at what I have done in there. It also keeps me busy.

Today, it's more of the same.

I think I'm just trying to keep busy and not think too much.

But still thinking I have done the right thing.

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

k,

just wanted to give you a "cyber hug" and tell you that I really feel that you are doing the right thing!

Stay on track!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> hugs
bb

Again, what a lovely day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just discovered that WH locked me out of the garage and the shed where the tools are kept.

Nice, real nice. So, I guess if I need to fix something, I'll have to go buy some new tools.

What an a$$!!!!!! How petty!!!! And he told me that I was vindictive!!!!

Shows how much he really cares about me and our home. He's already dividing things up.

Here I've been thinking all day long about me, our M, and WH.

Mostly thinking about his screwed up thinking, and some of my reasons for taking him back so many times.

I was wondering if, when all is said and done, that I am just using MB principles to control him. Even tho I know that WH is a person that no one but God could control. And obviously, he has no real self control.

Then, I think, no, I'm more of a live and let live kind of person - do no harm kind of thing.

I have examined myself, and found that in my entire life that I have never caused pain or harm to anyone (knowingly). And yet I have endure pain and harm to myself from others - without retaliation.

Does that make me a wimp?

What other ways and avenues should I embark on to really examine myself?

I know I am not a control freak. I'm more of a push-over. (Thank God that part of me has changed somewhat - or else WH would still be here)

Any good soul searching, inner growth books I could read?

What have some of you done to "learn yourself"?

I do not wish to be defined by my M. But where do I start?

K

bb!!!!!!!

You were posting the same time as me!!!!!!

I've been looking all around here for a long time wondering how you are doing!!!!!

Thanks for the hug, and the same to you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K