Had a talk w/ WH about our relationship and how it got here. He will be going to stay with his Dad. He talked to my sister in law and said he wants to get away from our town and everyone here, he wants to think about what is happenning to our marriage. He is having trouble remembering what he thinks is so bad about his home life. I've been in Plan A, and in the last few days he starting accepting things from me. But he did take off his wedding ring. I'm picking up conflicting signals. He is still in denial about his "friend".

He is on his way home with the kids after a day of skiing.

My question is do I stay in Plan A while he is at his Dad's?...do I move to Plan B?...or is there a modified Plan B?

I think the fog is thinning a little and he is sitting on the fence. I'm concerned if I go to Plan B that would push him off and I don't know what side of the fence he'll land on.

Should I just sit tight?

Never mind he's not thinking about our marriage he is thinking about OW. They got home from skiing he barely said hi to me and if looks could kill, I'd be dead. All the while I'm asking the kids how much fun they had asking for details trying to include him in the conversation. He fell asleep on the couch, I checked his cell phone he, her called yesterday and today.

Then his phone rang again...it was her. So I called her back on the house phone. "You were just calling ---- cell phone, is there something I can help you with? Oh no it wasn't me it was--
(her husband) he wanted to tell him about something he saw on TV." I said "He's asleep" and hung up on her.

Obviously her husband knows nothing...I guess I need to tell him. I was really hoping for the best. I feel so stupid to be hopeful to save this marriage. I'm so angry I'm shaking. Is anybody out there?

Confused,

I am no expert. And perhaps in no position to give any kind of advise (especially since my efforts dd not garner the desired results, I am not divorced).

As I look back on my SIX MONTH plan A, and my faulty attempts at exposure and plan B, I realize I probably am not a success story because I did not follow the "Plans" to the letter. I did not do that because my darn emotions kept flaring up, causing me to make FATAL ERRORS in it all.

As I see it, while you are still in Plan A, it is time for exposure, exposure, exposure. That means, GET ON THE HORN AND TELL OW's H ASAP WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell work colleague's (if it is a work A). Tell your pastor (if you are a church goer) and get the word out on the street (do SIL and FIL know)???

But more than that, I would sincerely recommend hiring the Harley's or Cerri at SYMC ASAP, and following their recommendation EXACTLY as they spell them out for you. They are experts for a reason. Their recommendations may seem a little unconventional, and I can testify to the fact that they will not FEEL right at times, but, as they explain about feelings and this whole A game, if it certain course of action feels wrong, it will probably work!

Good luck and wait until the real "Heavy's" in the site chime in.

confused.
when is his plan to move to dads
what is HIS plan to tell the children


don't you take on that burdon...

what is his plan...
to tell to people

and you need to pick that ole cell phone right back up and call and ask to speak to her husband....

why haven't you

ARK

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

SerendipiT & Arc thanks for your response.

HIS plan is to tell the children Grandpa needs help fixing his house.

He plans to leave this week I believe. The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned.

I've haven't told her husband yet because I'm a chicken. There are many rumors flying around town and WH is so angry at that. I was hoping her H would hear them and ask me about it, then I would have to tell him. I am/was concerned that if I sought him out to tell him, WH would hit the point of no return. That sounds pretty enabling. I'm usually not good at confrontation. WH married 16.5 rarely fought, never any name calling or cursing at one another. We should have learned how to fight early, maybe we wouldn't be here. But recently he has been losing his temper with other people and is angry most of the time.(NO fear of physical retaliation just emotional withdrawl) I think his guilt has been eating at him.

His plan to tell people about us spitting up is that we just aren't getting along. Still denying she is anything more than a friend.

Expose.... it will do as much to end the affair as anything you can do. Call the OW's BS and spill the beans. Sooner the better....

Best wishes,
SD

Just a friend? B@#$ S@#%.

I watched my wife (38) kissing the OM (19) two weeks ago. Like a hot knife through my stomach. It still took me all my strength physically and emotionally to burst the bubble. You can see the details in Just Found Out if you want a play by play.

1. You approached him, and he's denying.
2. I initially contained exposure to our Pastor and the kid's dad (Friend of Family). It expanded to a her mother, sister, and my parents. Eventually our 18 year old son found out BECAUSE SHE TOLD HIM!

Our pastor said that while exposure is important, total humiliation might stifle recovery. Total humiliation might be necessary later. Save it as a BIG STICK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

SD and Sleepless,
Thanks for your responses.
This exposure thing is tough for me. I have exposed to my parents and sister, people I work with (not that they didn't notice my mind has been mush) His brothers and sister in law, several close mutual friends. Support to expose to her husband has been limited from the people that know us. I guess its the humiliation factor.
As I mentioned in previous post we are well known in our community and as soon as the rumors are confirmed there would be no turning back.

He plans to tell the kids tonight and leave for work in the morning and just not come back.

Once he leaves I guess it'll be obvious the rumors are true. We live in such a small community ( pop. <4,500) you know all your neighbors. But I guess those neighbors have been speculating about my H and his "friend" already.

He is continuing contact with her so I gues its time for plan B. I'll be looking for help with my letter later on today.

Thanks so much for you support, its easier since you guys have been in my shoes.

I think the children deserve the TRUTH..
is his warped plan to say daddy going to help grandpa...THEN never come back...
that's BS....

this man needs to face the music....

this is NOT to try to inflict pain on your children..
this NOT use them as a weapon..

this is to reassure the children that their lives are going to be OK..

please don't let him off the hook by just going to help grandpa...when thats just nothing but a LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK

I grew up in a smaller town than you are in... the rumors are already flying, so do the exposure, beginning in small concentric circles, with those who have the most influence (OW's Husband)being first.

How long have you been in Plan A. Plan B requires at least a good Plan A.

Calm down and collect yourself. Your marriage took months, maybe years to get to this point, it's going to take months, maybe years, to restore it to a better one.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

SD

I've been doing Plan A since June 2004,(although I didn't know it was Plan A) I started taking better care of myself, taking care of the house, tried new family rec activites, changed my work schedule to have weekends off. His response has been "its too good to be true", "it can't last"
but I'm 50 lbs lighter, and there hasn't been a day my bed wasn't made or dirty dishes sitting in the sink.

Right now I'm even washing his work clothes to take to his Dad's.

I did talk to him today about what to tell the kids. I don't want to lie to them. With the rumors going around I'm sure they will hear something. I know I don't like to be lied to.

I was thinking something like "Mommy and Daddy haven't been getting along and it just like when you hang out with one friend too much. You start getting on eachothers nerves and you need some time apart to think about if you still want to be friends." DS 12 & DD 10

I would really like to say "Mommy doesn't like Daddy being friends with Mrs.---, Daddy thinks that is stupid so he going to stop living with us so he can still be friends with Mrs.---."

I told him he needs to be the one to say it but I want to be there when he does.

Don't help him with what he needs to say. Just make sure he is honest. This will be hard on your children as well as you. I was from a small town as well. I was the last one to know as no one wanted totell me what was going on. It was my BF. That was my 1st H - it hurt terribly. I would tell her H today as well as write plan B letter. Do it all today. Let him deal with what he has done. Why make things good for them both ?

confused..
you need to quit doing his laundry... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

and call him and make it clear that HE HE HE needs to talk to the children about what HE is doing...

you need to be there...
don't let him waltz out the door on a lie..leaving you with the baggage of that...

you need to contact the OW husband TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and you need to write you plan B letter TODAY!!!!!

who is your intermediary...
his dad sounds good to me...
since that's where he's going to live..

and oh yeah his community non-profit thingy that he and OW work together on..
you need to expose there as well...
people doing good deeds don't need to be used

ARK

ARK

I'm reading SAA now and our situation sounds like one of the case studies word for word. I think I'm going to hold off on Plan B until I finish the book and get a better handle on it. I don't want to screw it up and not be able to stick to it.

I am going to work on exposure this week. OW's H is throwing her a surprise party this weekend. I have to talk to him before then, I couldn't live with myself letting him go thru all that then find out.

My S-I-L thinks my WH will cave quickly because family has always been so important to him (until last June). I don't think so, the fog is really thick and his brain melted, it takes time to regenerate new pathways.

Thanks Arc,
Did I mention I put extra bleach in his underwear that will give him a nasty rash?

TODAY I have to be there for my children. I told WH that I will notify the teachers, principal, nurse and guidance counselors at school of what's going on. Once the school knows the athletic assoc. will know. (non-profit org.)

TOMMORROW I will meet OW's H and clue him in.

I need to get through today strong!

If you can contact OWH today, do it today.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TELL HIM WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO!!!

Make some phone calls right now. Call OWH, call the athletic association officers, call his best friend. Don't be afraid. Right now, you have absolutely nothing to lose, and you hold all the power. YOU hold the power. After he leaves, you will not hold the power, really, you will sound like a rejected wife trying to get even. Do it today. Do it now. Do it before he does it to you.

Sorry it sounds mean, but's that's how it is. What's happening to you is mean, too. You won't be mean in doing this, you will be standing up for yourself. And others will respect you for standing up for yourself. Trust me in this.

I am feeling a strange calm. Its like in an emergency situation like running a code in the hospital.

I talked to some key people in the community Police Chief, Mayor, Town Clerk, Superintendent of Schools, tried to call OWH but he didn't pick up. I didn't want to leave a message. I'll call him at work tommorrow to set something up. Nobody seemed too surprised.

As for the officers of the non-profit Org that would be WH and OW and they already know.

His bags are packed just waiting for him to get here so we can go over a few things before we talk to the kids. Like when will they see him again. Still working on Plan B letter. I'll unofficially avoid him until I can deliver it.

After the kids go to bed I'm sure I'll feel it. Right now I'm just doing what needs to be done.

Say and extra prayer for us tonight... thanks for your advice and support.

I am feeling a strange calm. Its like in an emergency situation like running a code in the hospital.

I talked to some key people in the community Police Chief, Mayor, Town Clerk, Superintendent of Schools, tried to call OWH but he didn't pick up. I didn't want to leave a message. I'll call him at work tommorrow to set something up. Nobody seemed too surprised.

As for the officers of the non-profit Org that would be WH and OW and they already know.

His bags are packed just waiting for him to get here so we can go over a few things before we talk to the kids. Like when will they see him again. Still working on Plan B letter. I'll unofficially avoid him until I can deliver it.

After the kids go to bed I'm sure I'll feel it. Right now I'm just doing what needs to be done.

Say and extra prayer for us tonight... thanks for your advice and support.

I am feeling a strange calm. Its like in an emergency situation like running a code in the hospital.

I talked to some key people in the community Police Chief, Mayor, Town Clerk, Superintendent of Schools, tried to call OWH but he didn't pick up. I didn't want to leave a message. I'll call him at work tommorrow to set something up. Nobody seemed too surprised.

As for the officers of the non-profit Org that would be WH and OW and they already know.

His bags are packed just waiting for him to get here so we can go over a few things before we talk to the kids. Like when will they see him again. Still working on Plan B letter. I'll unofficially avoid him until I can deliver it.

After the kids go to bed I'm sure I'll feel it. Right now I'm just doing what needs to be done.

Say and extra prayer for us tonight... thanks for your advice and support.