Hi, Jody.

I don't think that the physical touch in the bed is wrong or bad at all, in a normal relationship. The problem comes with him feeling smothered.

As for exposing the affair, until you are VERY sure, I wouldn't. Doing so before you can pin him down, will likely only drive it further underground.

What you can do in the mean time, is alter some of your behavior and see what effect it has. Since the sex is your biggest issue, then it is likely his biggest irritant.

If you can do it for a couple of weeks, try not being needy at all with him. Keep up a happy, calm countenance, but back off and let him initiate. When he does, respond but don't take over. Let him lead.

If you feel that he may be physical outside of the marriage, then you will have to address that before you are physical with him. It may rock the boat, but it is your life.

Let me throw one other possibility at you. Since you are older, and female, some of his control issues may have to do with some semblance of 'mother' issues. He may inadvertently think of you in a more matronly manner than he should. This could also be a factor in his 'acting out'.

Having said all that, if you gut is telling you that he is having an affair, then there is an excellent chance that you are correct, evidence or no. Even so, try making some minor corrections in your relationship, aka Plan A. fixing you up is a good start toward making your life better, affair or no.

Please read all of Dr. Harley's articles on this site. There is a wealth of good, solid, common sense advice there.

All the best,
Gimble

Thanks to all who participate on this forum! I have been lurking heavily and the support here, even when not directed at me, has helped me tremendously. I have an IC appt today (my 3rd) and I went back to my 1st week's homework (an assignment to determine what I wanted to get out of counseling) to see how I was coming along. In that assignment I identified areas where I had failed my M, with the intention to work on these in order to better myself. Here is the list...
a. I am an emotional taker from him, not a giver
b. I discount his ideas for our future
c. I am not aware of his feelings nor do I take time to learn and understand them
d. I discount his feelings when he does make me aware of them
e. I do not consider or act on his recommendations
f. I am competitive with him instead of a partner with him
g. I do not encourage partnership through sharing of marital assets (result of previous marriage I believe)
h. When he was still attempting to help me parent the teens I did not follow through on parenting decisions (letting them go out after they were in trouble for instance)
i. I was not affectionate and loving with him physically focusing instead on sex (related to past sexual history)
j. I did not go out of my way in my daily routine to care for him i.e. proactively fixing him a meal when he’s tired, washing his clothes when he hasn’t had time, picking up food and delivering it to him at work etc

I took a HUGE chance and asked my (?W?)H to go over my list and let me know 1) how well did I identify the issues and 2) how was I doing in my attempts for the last month to address the issues. On a scale of 1-10 my (?W?)H gave me a 9 on issue identification and an 8.5!! on changing my behaviors to address the issues. That means he has noticed the changes and is giving me high marks on effectiveness. I do not discount the hard work/tears it has taken to be faithful to identify and work on these changes while I am in plan A with a hostile/unavailable spouse but I am here to say that without MB and this forum I do not believe I would have known how or had the strength to follow through. So again I say thanks to all of you and I am reading and watching, if not posting, everyday.

Hi, Jody.

It sounds like you are off to a great start!

Stick to your plan.

ll the best,
Gimble