OK, pretty interesting night last night...

We had plans to go out for St. Patty's day with some of her work friends. I had been looking forward to it, up until she posted "don't change the thread name" about a 1/2-hour before I left work for the dinner. I emailed her and asked what she meant, no response. While driving there, I called her to get directions. I told her I wanted to talk to her when we had a moment. She said "not right now...it can wait" which I, in my pessimistic manner, assumed meant "I've decided I hate you and I'm leaving, but I don't want a scene in front of my work friends". So I get to the dinner and my old wife was there...charming, funny, and she was being pretty nice to me. We actually had a fun dinner; I like her work friends, they are so much less stressed-out than my co-workers.

The dinner ends, and I'm dreading what's to come...I even have a line rehearsed for when we get into the car: "So, you've decided you hate me and it's over". But I decided at that moment to let her say whatever she was feeling...if she's going to drop the bomb on me, then I'm not going to make it easier for her. As soon as we got in the car, however, the new wife came back. A little bit of chit chat, then stony silence for the rest of the drive. Complete personality change in 5 seconds. So I spent the drive in limbo, wondering if I was over-reacting or it was just too big for her to get out.

After picking up the kids and spending some good time with them, they eventually went to bed. I had worked myself up to "terrified" again, and I went to go sit in the living room, in the dark. I felt like I was going to throw up, my stomach was in knots. In my mind, it was already over, and I felt like I was enjoying the last few minutes of peace in my house I had worked so hard for and I was now going to lose. She came out and found me, and asked me to come in the bedroom with her. Sheer terror.

But it was not what I was expecting, not at all. First, she told me she had posted what she did on this thread earlier because she was annoyed at me...she had read on another thread where I was thinking of disabling the DSL for awhile. She wasn't giving up yet. She eventually agreed to give up chat for awhile! (At home, at least.) I can't lie, my heart soared when I heard that. I think she is really at the depths of withdrawal right now, as last contact with the OM was one week ago, and I think getting away from chat is just what she needs to turn her life around.

But she had a strange reaction once she agreed to it. She was sitting on the bed, just rocking back and forth with her head down, for 30 minutes or so. It was odd, she looking like she was fighting for her sanity at that moment. Very scary. We talked a bit, but mostly just sat there in silence. She asked if I would be willing to give up the web boards I'm interested in and I told her of course I would. My pursuits are a lot more innocent than hers but she has a point in how much they take my attention away from the marriage, and I really have no problem giving them up for her. She eventually went to bed, and I did too...one of the big problems in our relationship for years is that she would always get tired before I did, so I would stay up later...and she would go to bed alone. So I've made a commitment to go to bed when she does, I'm trying to fix that.

While I was happy that she had agreed to not chat at home, it was still pretty obvious that she has a lot of hate and resentment towards me. Definitely no signs of her turning towards me to help with this...I feel like the target for her rage at not being able to chat at home anymore. I guess I have to just assume that her "wall" against me will crumble in the future if I do everything right. Heh, no pressure, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This morning, she was still pretty cold to me. It's a horrible feeling, having to go up to your spouse and beg her not to hate you, and have her react by saying "I don't hate you" but with no warmth and body language that suggests she really does. I've always told her I would hate for her to become bitter, because she is one of the sweetest people I know and I would hate to see her heart turn hard and cold towards the world.

So now I'm sitting here at work, wondering what she's doing at her work. She has free reign to chat there, so I have no doubt the circus is back underway, even as I type this. I fear the fact that she's going to continue to vent her problems to guys that just want to sleep with her. I've kind of come to the realization that the problem isn't necessarily that she wants to sleep with a lot of young guys...the problem is she has fallen out of love with me, and neither one of us knows if it can come back. I find this site a great help in seeing the stories of those who strayed and fallen out of love, and came back from it to find their spouses working on improving themselves, and that did the trick. I have to hope the theory works...because I miss her and her love so damned much. Last night I prayed for us, and I'm not a religious person.

Owl,

I'm trying to get counseling started the week after next. I want to spend next week calling around and asking the different counselors in our area how they like to address these things and what we can expect to get out of only 5 or 10 visits. We're not poor but we really can't afford $1,000's of dollars in therapy. This stuff should be free, considering what divorce does to the country!!

She's lukewarm to the counseling idea, which isn't surprising considering she's pretty much at the depths of withdrawal right now. I'm trying not to rush her but I want to get started, sooner rather than too late.

Win bin

Your OM was 20? Isn't that more like an OC than an OM?

Too

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooInvolved:
<strong> Win bin

Your OM was 20? Isn't that more like an OC than an OM?

Too </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">woah, IMHO an uneeded comment.

I don't see what his age has to do with anything. He didn't act his age, as don't some other people who really should. Never really bothered me.

I've met a few 20 year olds..been 20 myself even..sounds like he probably WAS acting his age. Young, inexperienced, ignorant of longterm consequences as a reality and not just a concept, fresh out of Mom and Dads and feeling excited with freedom.

So. There you go.

Noodle

Then how do you explain the other OM's who act the same way but are years older? My H couldn't stop obsessing with roller coasters and video games. How old does that make him? I thought we weren't into judging people here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by win bin:
<strong> Then how do you explain the other OM's who act the same way but are years older? My H couldn't stop obsessing with roller coasters and video games. How old does that make him? I thought we weren't into judging people here. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fact is, folks that are addicted to anything have a problem.

I am 36 and used to act 10 with the video games. I don't anymore, but I did use them as a shield from what was happening in my marriage.

Judgements stink and should be kept out of here, but facts are facts and should be seen as such.

And the REAL question is...so what's the status with Win Bin and Bassisst now?

It seems to me I've seen some serious confusion too...Bass has posted that contact continues, Win you've posted that it's ended.

So what's the current status? And where are you two on working things out?

Win and I are about the same. She's still very depressed, and I'm still very lonely. I think I was able to give her a little more space this weekend. As far as I can I tell, she's a week into NC now. Still no changes, but I know it's way too early to hope for anything. My patience is a lot better after the blow-up we had Friday night and I think I will be able to remain upbeat and just leave her alone.

One upshot of this is I'm spending a lot more time with my kids since I'm leaving her alone, and that helps a lot. They are truly a joy and it's nice to laugh with them...it chases a lot of the fear and pain away.

Owl,

I'm working on withdrawl, I don't know how to make it go any faster, it is what it is. We had a very bad weekend and trying to move on from that.

We want to work on recovery, but I'm not convinced it can totally happen. I am willing to give it a try. It's just hard to fake it right now. We talked some this weekend and it was helpful. I'm getting more space to work on my fog, which is helpful. Seems to me its taken many couples on here months to get through this, so I'm not going to rush myself.

-win

Please, please just stick to NC and you will have a much, much better chance of making it.

Good luck to ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by win bin:
<strong>I thought we weren't into judging people here. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not suppossed to be. It's one of my biggest pet peeves.

Keep in mind however, that almost everyone who is reading/posting here is hurting pretty bad because of infidelity. In most cases, they can't unload at home because they don't want to drive their waywards away and so here, where they come to express and deal with some of their pain, they occaissionally let it come out in their posts.

Win, the best thing to do is this. Be patient. If something offends you, by all means, be offended, but later, after you have cooled down, come back and re-read it. If there's a decent point in there, take the point and disregard the rest. Oftimes good advice comes wrapped in a not so palatable package.

And I also think that going on about the OMs age is completely missing any points that actually matter.

The only case where his age would matter is if Win decided to pursue a long term relationship with him. And in that case it would still not even be an issue for another 10-15 years. (at which point it would likely start to be an increasingly big issue) I feel I have enough experience in this matter to speak with some authority.

Win, I hope you stick with us. It won't always be easy, but I think you will find that the end result is worth it.

dewt

Dude! It's too early to give up. I'm into a long distance Plan A right now. I haven't seen my wife since two days after D-Day. Just talking on the phone. Read the surviving an affair book. Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough was also recommended for me. You sound like your caving to her needs. You can't just accomodate her. You have to set some limits under Plan A. Like NO OPEN MARRIAGE. Kind of defeats the commitment thing.

I wish I had found these books 10 years ago too. I've been trying to fix my wife for 10 years, instead of listen to her hurts and meet her needs. Yesterday I proved I can meet her needs and get a kiss out of it, yet an hour later, my raging LBs jump in there, and I'm in damage control

Your wife and my wife are still in the fog of the rush that is another man. Neither one has withdrawn yet. My wife refuses to. She's pretty pissed that I told off the OM last night.

Get some respect for yourself and tell your wife, I want to meet all of your needs, not those other men. I want us both to be happy. Women see the need for EMs first. We men just kind of ride it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If you have the money, call Steve Harley and talk to him for an hour.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by win bin:
<strong> Then how do you explain the other OM's who act the same way but are years older? My H couldn't stop obsessing with roller coasters and video games. How old does that make him? I thought we weren't into judging people here. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Win Bin,

I explain it like this. He is acting his age. He is not acting well, but he is acting as though he has no richness of life experience to draw upon. He is acting as though it is all a game, as though peoples lives are a source of entertainment for him, nothing more. He is acting as though he has collected no great regrets..no foresight..no wisdom, only empty philosophies that do not support the weight of his actions.

That is what I mean when I say he is acting his age. As for the other, older OPs and yourself as well I suppose..you are acting his age though you are not. I have likely done more to offend the many individuals in the age group who do not behave in this way..I certainly would have been offended at that age to be described as such, though I would have been forced to admit that my objection to such behavior was purely theoretical, not experiencial. Perhaps foolishnes knows no age, perhaps it is an age unto itself.

Do you find that judgemental?


Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
[

He is acting his age. He is not acting well, but he is acting as though he has no richness of life experience to draw upon. He is acting as though it is all a game, as though peoples lives are a source of entertainment for him, nothing more. He is acting as though he has collected no great regrets..no foresight..no wisdom, only empty philosophies that do not support the weight of his actions.

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong. Done with this topic.

Time to move on.

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