Which is the preferable way to start exposure?

1) Call up all the appropriate people on the phone in as short a time frame as possible?

2) Go see them in person?

3) A letter? E-Mail?

I am faced with a decision. I'd like to expose my WW's affair to her parents, but they are a 3-hour plane ride away. I feel like the exposure may be more effective if I can be there with them. I'm worried that they may not believe me (I'm assuming my wife will deny it to them if they confront her) or they may think I'm crazy. Wouldn't the fact that I flew there just to tell them mean something? Wouldn't it allow them to see the seriousness and hurt on my face? And wouldn't it also allow me to provide them visual proof (pictures, cell phone bills, etc.) if needed?

Or would calling them have the same effect? I don't want to go overboard here, but I want to do it for maximal benefit. Calling them would also make it easier to do it within the same time frame that I speak with two of her good friends (who live locally) about it.

I also thought about sending out an e-mail to all of the parties for exposure and copying my WW and the OM, so they can see for themself who I told and what I told them. As much as I'd like to see how they'd react to that, e-mail may be too impersonal compared to the other options.

What are your opinions?

Here is my story, if you want some background:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037696;p=1

Squiggle

Squiggle, I am curious about this also as WH's family is also out of town, as well as mine. I finally told my family this week over the phone, but I am not sure how to address this w/his family. IL's will be here for one night on this coming Monday & I think it is in my best interest to tell them then, but not sure how to tell his brothers. I will follow your post to see what suggestions are. Good luck & hang in there!

Squiggle
If most of your contact with IL's has been face to face and your relationship is strong with them then Face to Face should be continued.
Secondly since you have family ties with them, face to face is usually the best since they can see and hear you while explaining. They will also see the sincerity you have wanting to save your marriage.


SM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Which is the preferable way to start exposure? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The preferable way is the quickest way.

Sure, face to face with the ILs would be the obvious choice if they lived in your area. Since they don't call them up.

THEN> get a copy of SAA and write a Plan A letter (modeled after the Plan B letter, but without the punch line) to your wife and send a copy of that to your ILs.

Still hoping for some help on this.

S

Sorry for the double post.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Squiggle ]</small>

What am I, chopped liver? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do what WAT said. Don't wait. Tonight would be good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> What am I, chopped liver? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT,

No way, man. You're one of the best on the board and I appreciate your help.

I was just wondering if everyone here agrees with you or if there were any alternative opinions.

S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Squiggle:
<strong> Still hoping for some help on this.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Heed WAT's advice to you.

You can tell them that you have proof if they would like to see it, then fax them copies of the proof, or mail them copies.

If you are wanting them to see how badly she has hurt you, don't waste your time. They likely won't understand unless they have been through it.

Do what WAT said and call them. Be calm and courteous. No yelling or screaming.

All the best,
Gimble

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: Gimble ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Squiggle:
<strong>I was just wondering if everyone here agrees with you or if there were any alternative opinions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I knew that and you're very wise to seek as many opinions as you can get. Very wise. NEVER act on advice solely from me or any other single opinion - other than your own.

At least you got some attention, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

WAT:

Oh, I don't know... ...chopped liver is pretty cool, in some respects! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And yes, everybody does agree with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>And yes, everybody does agree with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Har, Har, Har!!!!!!!!!!!

You crazy, Mon.

I strive for at least 25% disagreement on this forum. Anything less than that and for sure I'm not doing my job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT
----------
The Myth of Rube Goldberg lives!

Alright, I'm starting to psych myself up for exposure. Here are the candidates:

1) WW's father -- a definite, as he is the closest family member she has.

2) WW's mother and stepfather -- my WW does not respect her mother much, and she has previously told me many times how her mother used to repeatedly cheat on her stepfather and how much she hated her for it (I know, I know). The thing is, she used to tell her stepfather about it and he still never confronted or divorced her. So I KNOW he'd be sympathetic, but her mother would come across as a hypocrite.

3) WW's best local single friend -- a good candidate, as she's pretty much the only person other than the OM that my wife may have confided in about our M. I don't know her very well, but it's definitely someone who would have some influence on my wife.

4) WW's best local married friend (and her husband) -- I also don't know her and her husband VERY well, but well enough to want to tell them. I don't think my WW has had any contact with her since the A, as I think she and her husband would tell her she is wrong, and my wife knows it.

5) The OM -- not sure if calling him or talking to him would result in anything good. Or maybe I could e-mail him or copy him on a Plan A letter? I'm thinking that he really has no idea how much I love my wife and will fight for our marriage, so it may open his eyes to the possibility that WW may be lying to him about me. Or it might just make him think I'm as crazy as she says.

6) OM's family -- I don't know how to contact them, but it may be possible if I delved deep enough. It would put a great direct pressure on the OM, so in the absence of him having a BS, it might be the next best thing. This might just be seen as being vindictive, though, as the A is not really hurting them in the same way it would hurt an OM's wife.

7) WW's and OM's supervisors/coworkers -- I have seen this recommended before, but I have only met WW's boss once in person and wouldn't know how to approach this. Again, I have pretty much everyone's e-mail in her office (as well as the training class that started the A), so that would be a possible route. Also, I also think this may be more vindictive than constructive, as I wouldn't really expect her boss/coworkers to support her or our marriage -- it would likely just start gossip about her and him.

What do you all think?

S

Does OM already know you're married and you want to stay that way? If so, skip him. No need for any more contact with him.

Skip OM's family.

What kind of business are they in? Boeing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Exposure here if you are sure the company poo poos adultery or the nature of the business suggests that they would. What is the business relationship of your wife and OM? Supervisor/subordinate (hopefully)?

WAT

I don't really know what the OM knows, but he must know we're still married. Knowing my wife, she probably makes it sound like we were headed for divorce before she ever met him (not true at all, of course).

I don't know if he realizes how strong my love for her is. But maybe he doesn't care, who knows?

They both work for the same bank, but different branches (and different jobs). They are not supervisor/subordinate -- they are both in semi-equal standing and both are new hires (5 months).

The company claims to have "integrity" as a prime component of its mission (it's in my wife's training stuff), but I'd be surprised if they didn't prefer staying out of personal affairs (I'm just guessing, though).

After all, I don't want to tell her boss/coworkers to get her fired. I only want to do it if it'll help me get my wife back.

Squiggle

If you are not sure that he knows that you have no intention of getting divorced, you should communicate with him. Sending a copy of the Plan A letter is a good way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Squiggle:
<strong>and both are new hires (5 months).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmmmmm, interesting. Very interesting. (Arty Johnson? Is that right? Laugh In?)

Could be that they are in probationary employment periods. ANY bad juju could see them out the door. Consider how you might tip off the bank that these new hires are not demonstrating good judgement - on company time, no less. This could be very potent.

Can you play hardball? Got the stomach?

WAT

What the heck are you thinking in regards to telling her parents? What purpose does that serve? Just because you want to expose her? It is NOT her parents business. It is between you and her. Your thinking on this is plain sick!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> What the heck are you thinking in regards to telling her parents? What purpose does that serve? Just because you want to expose her? It is NOT her parents business. It is between you and her. Your thinking on this is plain sick!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it's not "sick." Affairs are what are "sick." Exposure to one's family is a very effective means of ending an affair and most certainly IS their business. No one should help a WS hide their dirty secret. You are only as "sick" as your secrets.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MoonandStars:
<strong> What the heck are you thinking in regards to telling her parents? What purpose does that serve?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Asked like a true WS.

Predictable.

I suppose you have some secrets you don't want exposed, huh?

Pay attention Squiggle. Very good education for you. Very good. What timing!

WAT