Squiggles, I am sure sorry, but I would almost suggest starting another thread and leaving this one to this very predatory WS.

It's a shame you can't come here and deal with this tragedy without a thread hijack when your life is falling apart. It really makes me sick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I honestly am very worried about humiliating her, as that is not my intention. My intention is to put pressure on her affair and give our marriage the chance it deserves. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Squig -

I am a very big supporter of exposure to end an affair. And truthfully I have never read an argument against it that holds water, including not exposing to parents/family members.

And I do agree about exposure in the workplace being done as a very last effort when all else has failed. Because of the possibility of job loss. Sometimes, unfortunately it is neccesary.

As far as the humiliation factor, I understand you not wanting to hurt your WW in this way but humiliation is probably one of the greatest motivation factors in changing. Sometimes it takes humiliation to take a good hard look at what you have done/are doing to get to the point of possitive change in behavior and destructive thought patterns.

I do believe it is also part of 12 step programs to addiction recovery.

If done for the right reasons it is a very loving act in my opinion.

Yo, Squig - was I right? Good education, huh?

We must all learn from the mistakes and misunderstandings of others - we don't have time to experience all of them ourselves!

A few observations here for your benefit, take them for what they're worth.

In my view, Moon clearly didn't understand the distinction between exposure as a tool to bring the reality of consequences to an affairee vs exposure as a tool of retribution. This is a very commonly miscomminicated, subtle distinction that is most easily confused by people who already have their minds made up that exposure is bad. It causes pain and embarassment. It sure does! That's the point! And that's exactly why rational, loving, and intelligent people carry it out in a surgical manner as opposed to carpet bombing. Anyone who cannot separate the distinction between affair exposure for revealing an immoral secret (for a continuing affair) vs exposure for revenge is usually thinking with their emotions rather than with their heads.

As for workplace exposure, I agree with others who refer to this as exposure of the last resort. But it can be very powerful if all other exposure has failed. It can be useless in cases that the affairees don't work for the same business/company. (The US Military is a special case altogether.) Moon's commnet that workplace exposure could be very detrimental and embarassing - or words to that effect - are exactly the point. But the affair isn't? Again, the purpose of exposure is to bring an end to the affair that otherwise may bring an end to a family - and STILL result in bad juju in the workplace. Just ask the former head of Boeing. Just ask President Clinton.

Oh, and the bottom line on the accusation that exposure is REALLY just about revenge - if this were true, I'd be exposing my former wife's and former friend's (OM) affair to this day.

Hope this was beneficial in a 'round about way.

Oh, one more thing (the last, I promise). Exposure to help end an affair is not the sole creation of Marriage Builders. It appears to be pretty universal amongst the knowledgable, professional folks in the field. Counselors who poo poo it probably are delving into an area of which they are not qualified.

And think about it. It does make sense.

WAT

Thanks, WAT.

I'm convinced to expose to her parents. I'm still debating on which of her three good friends to talk to.

#1 - Lives very close to my WW's apartment and is probably my WW's best friend right now. She also knows me and our marriage decently well.

#2 - The married one I mentioned earlier. I also know her pretty well, but like I said, my wife has avoided talking to her since the A started (since she is in a happy marriage).

#3 - A new friend that knows both my wife and the OM. She also works at their bank and according to my wife, is the "only" person at work who knows that anything is going on. She is probably a candidate to be the anonymous person who tipped me off before D-Day, but I don't know why she would have since I've never met her before. She is probably my wife's best friend at work (other than the OM).

Any thoughts?

Start with the parents first.

Work out in expanding circles as needed.

Remember, surgical strike, not carpet bombing.

When you talk to these people emphasize that your interest is to restore your marriage and the purpose of the exposure is to remove the secrecy with hopes of destabilizing the affair. Be sincere and loving. DO NOT criticize your wife during these conversations. "She's confused and needs all the love I can give her. Telling you about her affair is actually an intervention technique recommended by experts to remove the fantasy allure of it with hopes that reality returns."

Do not solicit specific assistance. If anyone offers to speak to your wife about this, do not discourage them, but do not impose on them to get involved. Let their consciences be their guides.

Independently, consider contacting the OM to ensure he knows that your wife is married, is not getting divorced, is not married to an axe murderer, and has herpes. Well, forget the last part. This is separate from exposure. Keep in mind that affair partners usually lie to each other as much if not more than they lie to their spouses. Look for opportunities to exploit this. Nothing better than to get them arguing with each other over their lies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Got it?

WAT