Here is an e-mail I just received from WH:

I talked to my counselor yesterday, by phone message, and asked to set up
marriage counseling for us. I asked for this Friday but he doesn't work on
Fridays. He did say he would come in this Friday at 8:00 a.m. I wanted to talk
to you first and see if any other day of the week would work. I can try to set
something up next week. I am ready to be at the marine station full-time. I
will need to move a few more items over time down there but I can do that at
pretty much anytime. If the combination of being down there full time and
working on the water with the guys at least a couple days a week doesn't work
out to our advantage, I will find another job. I don't expect you to believe in
me for anything but my feelings for you run far to deep to abandon for someone
else. It's not that I need someone else or something else from someone to make
my life complete, I just want to try and be the person I used to be. I'm not
promising anything because I have broken my promises so many times so I just try
and move ahead a little at a time. I think of how beautiful you are and I am
proud of you for standing up for your self. I am thinking about visiting the
church that DD's BF's mother goes to. I not using that as justification for
trying to redeem myself but I need some relief in my soul. I guess working on a
marriage is kind of like losing weight, You have to have it in your heart and
head to be successful.

Like I said I'm not making promises about anything, I just need to do the right
things. You have never deserved the things I have brought upon you and I know I
will never forgive myself for that but I just need to learn how to live with
what I've done.

Do I respond?

K

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

^bump^

K

Sure, go right ahead and get sucked right back into all of the BS that you have been into the other 150 times this has happened to you.

YOu should do what you want, but all you need to do is read your old posts, and you can see what is gonna happen.

That email is pure unadulterated BS and a guilt plea for him to reel you back. How many times are you going to be sucked into his games. What is different about this time?

Sorry, but this is just the way I see the situation. Hopefully someone with a more soothing opinion can help you here.

Goodluck.

Hi K,

I dont know.. do you still want the guy?

If yes, I think I'd say, 'thank you for the email, see you Friday morning'. And nothing more.

You be the picture of strength, sensibility, and coolness. This can really mean nothing, so we dont want to let our guard down. But IF I really wanted him back, I'd go to the MC. It's an hour, you can re-evaluate afterwards. This doesnt mean he moves in Friday afternoon, it's just a meeting. Your boundaries have not changed, right?

Just my 0.02. - Dru

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

I have read on here, and beleive this...that MC is a waste of time when there is still contact.

Perhaps a quick message back that MC would be a waste of time while there is someone else in the M...then I'd reiterate your Plan B demands of NC...and a plan to continue that...but it sounds like a good idea if he wants to get marital advice and how to implement this...then he can go for it.

It's too easy for him to promise action and ask you to meet him halfway...it's time for him to meet you on your terms...and for him to meet you your way.

I'd say...no email back, and if contact is forced...then "refer to PBL."

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

k7:

Is the OP out of the Picture 100%??

Your answer to that question is the beginning of the answer to your other question.

You've been down this same road many times before.
And I don't mean once, twice or a third.

If you choose to take it yet once again.....don't be surprised when You END UP in the same places you've already been.
(sour male is right in that all you have to do is archive your own story to see where This Leads to).

Its time to start following a different map.

Still here making it made a good point about contact and it hindering anything else positive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Here is an e-mail I just received from WH:

I talked to my counselor yesterday, by phone message, and asked to set up
marriage counseling for us. I asked for this Friday but he doesn't work on
Fridays. He did say he would come in this Friday at 8:00 a.m. I wanted to talk
to you first and see if any other day of the week would work. I can try to set
something up next week. I am ready to be at the marine station full-time. I
will need to move a few more items over time down there but I can do that at
pretty much anytime. If the combination of being down there full time and
working on the water with the guys at least a couple days a week doesn't work
out to our advantage, I will find another job. I don't expect you to believe in expect
me for anything but my feelings for you run far to deep to abandon for someone
else. It's not that I need someone else or something else from someone to make
my life complete, I just want to try and be the person I used to be. I'm not
promising anything because I have broken my promises so many times so I just try
and move ahead a little at a time. I think of how beautiful you are and I am
proud of you for standing up for your self. I am thinking about visiting the
church that DD's BF's mother goes to. I not using that as justification for
trying to redeem myself but I need some relief in my soul. I guess working on a
marriage is kind of like losing weight, You have to have it in your heart and
head to be successful.

Like I said I'm not making promises about anything, I just need to do the right
things. You have never deserved the things I have brought upon you and I know I
will never forgive myself for that but I just need to learn how to live with
what I've done.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that you should believe him when he said that he is not making any promises and that he won't promise anything. Some of what he is saying is what he thinks you want to hear. Wait for all the real actions instead.

I agree that MC may be worthless as long as he is still in contact. Did you give him SAA to read?

If you have a person to mediate communication then forward this email to that person with a suggested response...referring back to the PBL. That he needs to follow through with all he says he will do including a requirement for NC, and changing his work location or job etc.

If he wants to be a better person again it has to first start within and for himself for his own spirituality, integrity, and honor. To be again someone your kids and you can admire and respect.

So, I vote for a stricter plan B this time...and stick with it. If he isn't strong enough to withstand it on his own then he doesn't deserve you and you should continue to move on.

Sometimes I wonder what may have happened had I been posting here during my H's longest A...or even before real recovery in the last A. Would I still be married? I did have plan A last time and was about to go to B. I used tough love. Anyway, I am still glad our marriage is restored and recovered.

Be strong, don't fall for empty words. You need the real thing this time.

It wasn't until I stopped playing the games and was seriously calm, clear, sane, and saw him as the real flawed, sick one in our situation that things started to turn around within him. He knew I had reached the end of my rope and would move on without him.

All the best K.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: Trix ]</small>

There is not ONE word in there about NC with the OW.

Like I said I'm not making promises about anything, I just need to do the right things.

Translation: I am calling the shots and telling you how it is going to be...and I am not ready to end my fence-sitting...nor my cake eating. But I "MIGHT"...just so you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Yeah right...like that is gonna fly. Since you are in PlanB I guess you cannot respond. None of your conditions are even alluded to in that email.

JMHO
committed

K,

As you still wish to be open to reconciliation..here is what I would say..

"H,

Thank you for the e-mail. All of the things you are considering point you in a direction favorable to reconciliation. Of course I am very pleased as this is my wish.

However, because we have had several false recoveries, I choose to meet you at the end of this journey rather than walk through it with you.

H, you have earned your way out of this marriage with a three year affair and all of the lies and deceit that implies. If your desire is to recover this marriage, you will have to earn your way in.

My requirements have not altered.

That your A be over, permanently..and NEVER will the words "I gave up something great for you" cross your lips. You gave up our marriage for this affair..if the affair is what you insist on..go have it. If you choose to make changes in your life..those changes are yours to own.

That you have no contact EVER of any sort..and that rather than ME bearing the burden of policing you..you bear the burden willingly..eagerly..of proving your NC to me .

That you make and embrace a plan of recovery that includes protection, counsel, and making this marriage you priority.

That you do all of these things for a significant time prior to me reconciling. Prove to me that there is something to be gained by reconciling..prove to me that it is worth it for me. Show me what, besides grief and betrayal, you have to offer as a husband."

And so and so and so forth. I'd spell it out for him K..loud and clear. Encourage foreward momentum..but no gratification..he should not have any reason to believe that there is ANY way back into the marriage aside from MUCH effort and sincerity on his part.

Noodle

Well said Noodle...wish I was as articulate... better able to express myself in the written word.

Wow noodle, great words!!!!

wow.

That was good!!!

J

I agree with you all.....Noodle, great words.

WH just left me this message "I'm having chest pains. I'm going to the hospital. So there it is."

I have not as yet responded to anything.

Anxiety attack? Ploy? What do you think?

K

Could be either K..

The point is..his WIFE belongs at the hosp with him..since he has rejected you as such..it is inappropriate for you to be there.

When he earns the position of husband again, his anxieties and medical concerns will be shared once more.

Until then..this is what single life is like. Single.

Noodle

K,

you might be noticing the "cycle" and how reactions repeat themselves...........

I can just say that just a few weeks ago, we too had a "relaps" and this time I "reacted" totally different from the times before.

This had a "great" affect and this time it really "shook" my husband up.

He realized that I "WAS serious" and I think his "head switch" must of clicked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So you might want to "stay on the road"! He will know that you are on track and this will help him "find his way home"...........if you get what I mean.

Let him live through this on his own right now. I'm sure he isn't going to die! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let him experience a totally different situation, this time without you on his side.
STAY STRONG + STAY QUIET

If he "goes off to OW" because you are not by his side, he simply isn't worth it. (but NO OW will "fill your place, believe me!) mostly not after your "long-term marriage.
take care and hugs
bb

K,

you might be noticing the "cycle" and how reactions repeat themselves...........

I can just say that just a few weeks ago, we too had a "relaps" and this time I "reacted" totally different from the times before.

This had a "great" affect and this time it really "shook" my husband up.

He realized that I "WAS serious" and I think his "head switch" must of clicked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So you might want to "stay on the road"! He will know that you are on track and this will help him "find his way home"...........if you get what I mean.

Let him live through this on his own right now. I'm sure he isn't going to die! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let him experience a totally different situation, this time without you on his side.
STAY STRONG + STAY QUIET

If he "goes off to OW" because you are not by his side, he simply isn't worth it. (but NO OW will "fill your place, believe me!) mostly not after your "long-term marriage.
take care and hugs
bb

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So there it is </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think of what you would do 2 years down the road after a D or very limited contact. You would wait it out to hear from someone else if it's serious or not...you may visit if he is in the hospital...but not for an ER visit.

My guess? An anxiety attack, and another ploy to pull you back in. If he were tryly frightened by his chest pains would he have stopped to send you email before going to the hospital?

I'd wait........

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> WH just left me this message "I'm having chest pains. I'm going to the hospital. So there it is."

I have not as yet responded to anything.

Anxiety attack? Ploy? What do you think?
K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are concerned, you could contact your children and tell them about it. That way you aren't sucked into the drama yourself, while knowing that a family member is in touch.

Hi all.....

Trying to fit work in between all of this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, I told my DS, and he tried calling both of WH's cell phones. He answered neither.

However, less than 1 hour after the message, he started calling my cell again (must not be in the ER - they don't allow cell phone use there).

He has left no further messages.

The doctor that I work for said, if he really is having chest pains, he will be taken care of whether I am there or not. Too True!!!!

I choose to remain dark. If WH wants to go to marriage counseling, he can go by himself - we have already gone to two different counselors (including SH). Didn't do any good, because he hadn't changed anything in himself beforehand. He was still deceptive, and seretive, and would not WILLINGLY do anything.

I believe this whole thing is very childish on his part....very manipulative. Next, I expect him to get mad, and leave me a scathing message.

You're right bb.....he needs to switch on that light in his head, calm down, and see where he is at now, and work on that first!!!

Thanks to all who have posted!

And, Lemonman, I do not planned on getting sucked into WH's line of BS again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K,
Have a family member check on him but don't go to the emergency room right now. You can not continue to meet his EN for support at this juncture.

My H and I were in MC early in the A while he was deeply involved and it was a complete and total waste of time. Later on, after Plan B and there was supposed to be NC we went to a new MC and that did help as well as him doing IC. When I uncovered contact, our MC helped me deal with him and what was happening and presented a professional opinion to him that his continued contact constituted abuse and that she had to advise that he move out of our house. That helped get him to see things out of the fog--there was just no excuse for continued contact. So I leave it to you just where you think you might be on that spectrum. But the whole no promises thing speaks volumes. When he is serious he will have a PLAN for NC, how to prove it and what he IS doing to improve himself and your marriage.

Hang in K.