Bringing it back to the top agin. <P>I needed it tonight.<P>

Chris, Great summary!<BR>I am lost...keep asking myself what I have done.<BR>I did the Plan A thing...<BR>I never sent a Plan B letter.<BR>After much pain and agony on my part, I couldn't take it any more. She was actively involved with someone else. She went' to counseling with me, but only when convenient for her...not actively participating.<BR>I think I messed up when I gave her an ultimatum. Essentially I said "We need to either work on our marriage, or get divorced."<BR>She said divorce. I took care of lawyer, no kids, no house. We split our belongings by sitting down and agreeing on who gets what.<BR>After a few weeks of contact (15 minutes a week), I still couldn't take it. Every time I saw her, she would try to play games with my mind. One minute being mad at me and acting like I did something wrong, the next using pet names and complementing me.<BR>This was messing up my head again. I started dropping her mail off at a friend of hers so that I wouldn't have to talk to her.<BR>I miss her very much and have been trying to figure out how to write a Plan B letter. I want to tell her that I still love her and that the reason that I don't talk with her is that I can't take the heartache that it causes me. I also want to tell her that I am willing to work on us and rebuild what we had only better, but the OP must be out of the picture.<BR>I also want to tell the OP, with an additional comment regarding how much I love <wife/ex>. (I really want to threaten other things, but know that would not accomplish anything!).<P>I was a fool to go through with the divorce, but I already saw the financial drain moving out had on my wife...could not allow her to take money from my retirement or business.<P>HELP!<BR>How can I let her know....how can I make it come out right so that she doesn't think I am pathetic?<BR>We haven't talked about the whole affair thing much. Counselor wanted to avoid that for the time being...too much conflict.<BR>Wife said when we started counseling that she would be honest and not continue relations with OP (requirement by me)...I knew better.<P>Sorry...not a good day. I miss her very much...haven't seen her in a month.<BR>Seems like only a short time to some of you...but I think about her 24/7.<P>

Which is why I tell everyone, <BR>"DO NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE UNLESS YOU WANT ONE!"<P>It is possible to get back together after a divorce. It will probably take some time, but she may not be interested now or ever. I would suggest doing a Plan B letter. You have the right idea of what to put in it. It doesn't need to be long & soppy. Also include you have/are finding out what you were/weren't doing to meeet her needs & you are working on these issues. It shouldn't sound grovely (Oh please baby, I love you and I'm willing to cut off my arm if you'll come back) type of stuff.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Back up for the newbies!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Gee, Chris not only for the newbies, don't forget about us "worn-outies".

This really does make a great deal of sense. Sometimes, I think that I didn't give Plan A enough time, and that I rushed into Plan B (although I did last almost 4 months!).<P>I have done quite a bit of work on myself during that time, & I see signs that H has too. I don't think we take each other for granted as much any more.<P>I get so confused sometimes, that I really don't know what I should be doing. And of course, you always get input from friends & family that leads you to beleive you are being abused. Then you start questioning your basic belief in yourself. Like there is something wrong with you for allowing it.<P>But the two year time limit makes sense from the standpoint that it usually takes 2-3 years to recover from a divorce. And that, if you rush into another marriage sooner than that your chances for success are pretty dismal.<P>So, this post is really good in that it is giving me permission to slow down.

Chris,<P>Good post. I have read it over several times. But one thing you wrote about Plan A really bothers. You state:<P>"Plan A is to assess what you have been doing wrong and for you to try to meet the needs of<BR>your spouse you have been neglecting."<P>The way this reads, it sounds as though you are saying that the burden of responsibility for the affair falls on the betrayed. What about the needs of the betrayed that were never met?<P>I read Harley's 'His Needs/Her Needs' after the affair was revealed, & I saw that a number of my needs were not being met. And, one in particular was preventing me from meeting one of his most important needs.<P>In our case, I have been the primary breadwinner since 1992. My H, (after quitting his job without consulting with me first), has not been successful at re-entering the civilian workforce. So, I have been shouldering most of, if not all of the financial responsibility. This has taken a toll on me both emotionally & physically.<P>At first, I encouraged him, and would spend a considerable amount of time searching for jobs in the Sunday paper that I felt he might be interested in. I finally gave up when he would express interest but then never follow up. It was apparent that the more I pushed, the more he shut me out. My frustration & resentment were building. I was really concerned about our financial viability. But, he retreated into denial. I paid all the bills & balanced the checking account, so he was insulated from the reality (which is what he wanted). I attempted to get him involved by asking him to take over balancing the account each month. He said he wasn't interested as it was a "mundane task".<P>I realize that one of his needs is for me to admire him. But, how can I do that when I feel like I am dragging this dead weight around? He is not meeting my need for financial support. I am not expecting him to totally support me, just to give me some help. I have told him that time and again. His male ego has taken over. He feels like if he can't make what I am making, he is a failure so he doesn't want to even try.<P>Sometimes, I really feel like our situation is hopeless. That I should just cut my losses, and move on.<P>Please give me your thoughts. I really need them. Thanks.

Sidney,<P>I don't know if I can help or not, but I wanted to give you some feedback. I understand what you're saying very well, and I agree. In my case, my H wasn't fulfilling any of my most important needs, and in turn I found it difficult to fulfill his. For instance, conversation and openess and honesty are my most important needs. Trying to get my H to open up and talk to me was always like pulling teeth. Therefore, I withdrew from him through the years. One of his most important needs is sexual fulfillment. Well, it's really hard to have a sex life with someone you are withdrawn from, ya know? So, we rarely had sex and the downward spiral began.<P>The good part is now my H and I <B>both</B> see the error of our ways and we are <B>both</B> committed to getting it right this time. That's what your H needs to do. He needs to see his part in this and he needs to make changes too. He must see that he <B>has</B> to. Have you been to counseling? Maybe that would help. There is hope, but your H has to be willing to do his part.

Chris, I hadn't seen this post before...I agree that it is a great summary for those who haven't read the books. (Which indicates something, since the registration page says to read the principles which are on-line).<P>Lark: your assessment and description of your marriage sounds sooooo much like ours, I'll have to carefully watch your posts.<P>TO EVERYONE: I keep having this picture in my mind of filing separation papers being just like saying to a person in the hospital (the marriage) "Here, let me help you get out of the hospital" and then shoving them out the window. I suppose if the patient (the marriage) is really dead, then someone needs to get them out of the hospital before they stink up the place for the living, but we don't want to push the patient out the window when they are just sick and not dead, y'know?<P>Maybe a silly post, but that image sticks with me.<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Chris:<P>One final note I would like to mention and that is this:<P>Just because a person is in Plan A or B doesn't necessarily mean that you will get your H or W back as soon as the affair is over. <P>The reason I mentioned this is because I often hear people talk about how they can hardly wait till their H or W's affair is over so they can start rebuilding their marriages.<P>I'm living proof that doesn't always end up that way. I tried to plan A, then B and everything in between. My W's OM dumped her flat with new baby, but still she pushed the divorce and wants nothing to do with me.<P>But again...that's my W and how it ended up with me.<P>I just keeping seeing all the pain here and I as anyone wanted my W and family back. But I felt led to at least tell some people here to please be careful in their emotions because sometimes things don't work out like we want.<P>Just venting I guess<P>thanks <BR>gmc900

Lark,<P>Thank you. Yes, you are right. It is going to take changes on both sides. I guess I was starting to get really defensive when I kept hearing that I wasn't meeting H's needs.<P>No, we haven't been to counseling. H's take on that is what's the point as long as he is involved with someone else? I agreed with him as why spend the time & money when both people are not fully committed?<P>My H started on anti-dep medication yesterday. I think that maybe his depression made it virtually impossible for him to pursue employment. He is just too emotionally fragile right now to risk another rejection.<P>So, for now, I am waiting for the medication to kick in. I wouldn't mind expending a lot of time and effort in Plan A, if I felt that he was making some changes too.<P>And, in small ways, I have seen some positive changes in him. I suppose I just have to focus on the "baby steps" and keep trying to be patient.<P>Oh, it's soooooo hard sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>

That was in my first post on this thread. <B>Surving An Affair</B> does not mean having your spouse quit the affair AND return to the marriage. It is a book to help you get through the devastation an affair can cause.<p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited November 03, 1999).]