Hi All,

It sounds like everyone on this thread is starting to heal very nicely and fast becoming movers and shakers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

PetVet

In answer to your question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you taking a wait and see position?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't feel as though that is what I'm doing. An associate of mine said that it seems like we're playing games to see who calls who first. My answer to her was this is not a game!

Although it has been a relatively short separation from my 'H', The Lord has given me such a peace about it, that I feel it is normal.

Before I got married, I took care of myself, I've owned my own business and home for quite sometime . After getting married I became this helpless, dependent, needy whiner because somewhere in my mind I thought men wanted to feel needed. DUH? I didn't realize how much I had really changed until he left and I realized it had been all about pleasing him and leaving myself out. So, in finding myself again, My love for the Lord, my business, my family, my friends, my church have become important to me again and that is what I mean by 'normal'. I have come to myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Don't get me wrong, I'm still praying for the restoration of my M, but it is not my battle, I've given it up. And I really don't want to deal with the deception he is obviously still in or the 'fog' as it is called here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When and if the Lord arranges an opportunity for me to see or talk to my 'H', I want him to truly see a different woman than the one he left. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If I were an emotional wreck, it would mean that the Lord can't handle this situation and I know He can and will.

Short question, long answer. LOL

Wallace,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How are you holding up? I know the road your on very well... and I hope and pray that the Lord will lead you to a better circumstance and situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for your concern. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The above is your answer as well. I know you've been where I'm going and I appreciate any and all advice. But I guess there is not much to do until there is contact with the far off land. LOL

Avondale

Glad to see your D is meeting with your H. She can give him a piece of your mind without you actually saying anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Daughters can get away with anything when it comes to dad.

EC

I see you're coming to yourself again as well.

RMA, Davepr

Hope you're both doing well.

relady

Hi all,
TMCM...
Thanks for the compliment... I'm slowly finding myself starting to pull back from any serious relationship. I just don't think I'm ready for anything like that quite yet.
Good to hear from you... I hope everything is going well.
EC...
You sound in good spirits!
I'll bet that was pretty exciting meeting a famous actress, especially one that has some morals (they are rare).
I'll bet you were somewhat shocked to find that she emailed you back after you emailed her.
I didn't know you played in a band. When I was in college I played bass guitar in a band that helped pay my way through school... "oh, the good old days"... LOL.
You know what? You do feel like an old ugly ogre or like the "Grinch" when all this happens to you. It really drops you to your knees. You feel like your the ugliest and worse person on the planet. The Hunch Back of Notre Dame... "Quizimoto" (sp?) could beat you in a beauty contest, that's how you feel... " yep... I've been there too!
I'm glad to hear that your daughter finally got her T.V.
I'm getting ready to go down the CS payment issue here real soon. Got final orders yesterday, so I will probably be attaching to the exW's paycheck in the next couple of months... oh what fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Petvet...
Your thread has been going exactly one year to the day today. I wish none of us were here... but with what we all have been going through I'm sure glad I found all of you and everyone else on MBers.
Hope everyone has a great day.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi everyone, I am in down in Atlanta today on business, going back home tomorrow... Hope everyone is well...

One Year for this thread.. wow... I went back and read some of the old posts.... it is truly amazing..

Take care,
Dave

Hi I've gotten half way through this Thread it is Helping me soo much.
Dr Laura's Books and radio show is really good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
too thought I would add that.
Dave told me about this thread Thanx Dave..wow alot of very helpful info here!!!
My eyes are starting to get fuzzy now after reading for hours..but will post more tomarrow.
My story is below... anyone have any advice on my situation??!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm to the end of my rope..help!!

Hi Guys and Gals,

Well its the weekend and less than 2 weeks from Thanksgiving.

In reflecting back this year, despite what has happened to everyone here, did many of you accomplish any goals you set for year 2002? I know I did and exceeded more than I expected. Have you planned for 2003?

The more I'm seeing things the lighter I feel, I wanted my exw back so bad in the beginning and even after almost two years recently thought it was a possibility. She was my highschool sweetheart, I never saw myself with nobody but her for life. I know it sounds crazy but I think she might have done me a favor by leaving, since she was unwilling to change her ways. She loved debt I didn't, I'm $6,000 from being totally debt free now, I can't function mentally under debt, it robs me of who I am, thats why a big part of my marriage fell, it stole who I was...I believe when I buy my house, I won't pay for it for 30 years, I know the real estate investment ways now......So starting over is possible life is not over but beginning...

Wallace: Yes, her emailing me back was nice, I thought she would have had somebody that handled her fan mail respond or something, but it was her, she's down to earth. It was odd you know, how you approach people like that and you're not sure if they want to be bothered with talking or taking pictures, but she started talking to me openly right off and she was eager to take a picture together, I was kinda flattered thinking, she wants to be seen with me?? They took the picture with my camera just as they announced she was still over there and the crowd turned around and stared at her and me in smiles like who's he?, like I was her special guest or something?? [We had our arms around each other] She said eveybody else had to buy there picture and she'll sign them. I was like wow.
The Lord has been so good to me in ALL this betrayl and divorce stuff, I can't think of a day when he hasn't blessed me with his love, despite my unbelief and despair at times, The Lord believe's in me more than I believe in myself, he has so many good things ahead that it takes leaving the past behind, live in the present, begin to walk in the future.

Yep Wallace as I always BS's are made to feel ugly, but as you've seen over time many BS's are very nice looking people and have a lot to offer, make's you wonder why some WS's go to something less, there loss I guess...I think some BS's are treasures waiting to be discovered and when that happens oh what a treasure you have.....

A Gold digger seeks to grab all they can get, till they deplete you...

A treasure hunter finds the beauty of the element [you] and proudly displays what they found to have everyone celebrate its beauty, they say see what I found and begin to tell the world....

BS's need a treasure hunter in there lives not a gold digger...

***********

To BBMBF -

Seeing what you've gone through its very tough, leaving is hard because of the time of the relationship, however I was 17 she was 16 when we first started dating despite we even lived on the same block growing up. So we were married 17 yrs together 21yrs and then she has her A's in 2000. She's 38 and I'm 40 now. I rather her messed up back then than now.. Your husband seems self-centered right now being in the music business he's driven with "I got to make it big, no matter what", even if it means eliminating my wife and kid. The money is all mine because I'm going to make it big one day, forget the bills and responsibilities...and then you're broken and ripped...no one needs to be abused

He has the cart before horse, he'll be lonely and miserable guy in the process...He'll regret losing you, you're not an ugly person, but you still need to work on you and discover what you could be better at.

You say you're a christian and when he came to the Lord you tried to help him grow. I think that's where we mess up sometimes, we see somebodys potential, we see them not as they are but what they could be, we get behind them nurture them only to see them go back to the pigpen they came from, Its almost like putting suit and necktie on a pig and say here now you'll eat steaks and take a bath for now on, all the while the pig is meditating on how good it felt in the mud , then leaves and says this is for the birds, they jump ship....

You run to the pigpen behind them broken and can't understand begging and pleading and only to find them and see the sign that says "Pigs Only" thats where you find OW/OM/OP in there, just a dirty muddy stink hole with a strong stinch,... until they're ready to come out and get clean and change, nothing you can do. Many people get the verbage from WS's...Oh can't we be friends, while I'm in here? They get arrogant and say Oh, Yes you're in my territory now and treat you loike scum. As Nancy Regan said " Just So No to drugs" ooops ,I mean to pigs in mud....

They just need to come clean...You have a good future ahead if you trust in the Lord, he does not ever forsake you, he is FAITHFUL!!

Take Care

Hi Betrayed,
Welcome to Petvet's thread... you've read through half of this thread? That is a lot of reading... I'll bet your eyes are still trying to get back to normal.
I read your story... like many of us here... you have surely been run through the mill.
I'm assuming that you are working a Plan B., am I correct in that assumption? If your not... IMHO, I would go into a Plan B.. and cease all contact with your "H" until you start seeing some complete and positive changes coming out of your "H".
IMHO, your "H" is a very cruel person based on what I've read so far. He is also very selfish, and self centered. The question you have to ask yourself is... "is this the type of person that I want to spend the rest of my life with"... as well as having your son be associated with?
Right now you need to start looking out for what's in the best interest of you and your child. Associating with your "H" at this stage in his life is not condusive to a very healthy atmosphere for either you or your child.
His actions indicate that he is heavily involved in drugs as well as alcohol. I would seek an AL-Anon group for this... as the support there is quite significant.
In order for you to have any type of a marriage... your "H" has to want, and get the help that is required of him. Without him doing that... you are just setting yourself and your child up for a life of pure hell.
There is nothing you can do for him at this stage... you can only help yourself and your child to heal and become stronger. Seek out some support groups... "Divorce Care", Church groups, Al-Anon, an 'IC", or if you can afford it... counsel with the Harleys on this site.
Your "H" is playing a very cruel game, and unfortunately you and your child are some of the players. It's a game that you don't want to participate in... until the rules are changed to heavily favor you and your child winning in this game... i.e., he needs to help himself.
It's very hard to sit there and watch the person you thought you knew, and loved, turn into your worse nightmare.
We are here for you, as we many of us know the pain that you are experiencing.
I saw your pictures... your "H" is giving up a very beautiful family.
Last, but certainly not least... if you believe in the Lord... I would pray and lean very heavily upon him, as he knows your pain, and he is with you at all times.
Give it to the Lord and allow his will to be done... for Satan has truly entered into your family's life.
relady...
It seems that we cross posted again.
As sad as it is... there is not much you can do until you hear from the "far away land".
By you allowing the Lord to fill your spirit, and take control... I call it putting it into God's bag, and not taking it out for you to control... allowing God's will instead of yours... your "H" will see the person that the Lord intended for you to be.
You are most definitely on the right track.
EC...
What a great analogy... Pigs... boy you got that right. I also like the "treasure hunter" scenario as well... so true .. so true.
As far as any of my plans... unfortunately all the plans I had made for 2002 went up in smoke... I haven't made any real plans for 2003, as I don't want to set myself up for anymore disappointments. I've had enough already, don't need anymore for the moment... if you know what I mean.
EC... that is so cool that the famous actress you met and had your picture taken with is so "down to earth", and is actually a real person and not a stuck-up phoney. I guess there is some real people in Hollywood.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ November 15, 2002, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

EC - Your change of outlook really shows in the last couple of posts. Very encouraging to read! I didn't know you were a musician...I was about at the point I'll never talk to another musician again because of hubby and his "music /soul connection" with OW but will make the exception for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL

~~~~~~~
BBMBF/Mary As Wallace said, welcome to Petvet's thread. I'm glad I got on it when there were only 28 pages to read, LOL. I echo Wallace in suggesting some additional support for you. I've been to Al-Anon and would totally recommend it. The stories of everyone in those groups are so similar, that even if circumstances vary, the way of dealing with them are the same. It would provide a lot of help for you. My husband has been in music full-time for 25 years and you'd recognize some of the people he's worked with and published for..believe me, these guys can get VERY self-centered. Their careers/hobbies are MADE for ego-stroking. Of course, I always said "not my husband" but we all know how that goes....

I would also recommend Plan B. Your husband is immature, both by behavior and age. He also seems (at the least) verbally abusive. Do Plan B and work on yourself, not for HIS benefit, but for yours! Your parents seem like they are helping you too, both emotionally and with housing and other things. Is that right? I hope so!

It's nice to have a picture to see a face with a post! You're very pretty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are the same age as my kids, and you have a whole life ahead of you. I know you can't see that now with all that is going on, but you do. Just have faith <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

~~~~~
Looks like my husband is playing all weekend and a lot next week, so the talk my daughter had hoped for with him isn't happening anytime soon. Will keep ya posted.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. We'll look for someone's dating report on Monday <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

UPDATE NEED INSIGHT HERE!!

I got a letter in the mail from Ken(ws),a very long letter.

The main point in it was this..

Mary I was Very Unhappy for the past 3 in a half years.I told my dad a year before I started dating that I wanted a divorce I hated the way you treated me.My dreams ment nothing to you,I thought going into our marriage that you KNEW what I was about..who I was.BUT found out you didn't,I promised my dad I would try for one more year.
I couldn't stand living with you anymore.
You were too controling,I hated it when you were on my back when I wanted to record over Mikes house.You were depressed,unhappy,and I knew I deserved better.The only reason I was angry,and delt with anger problems was because you pushed my buttons and I hated being married to you that much!
We have been emotionally divorced for along time,you never wanted to go out to the bars with me and watch my friends bands play.You would never leave our son to spend time with me.
I feel that I have tried everything to save our marriage.I was saving my sanity by leaving it!
Every month that passes makes me hate you more,because of what your doing to me.
I could have really got you in court but..since I'm not that way I let things slide.
Unlike you,you had to make sure our son was kept from me and that I should take over the rental,along with the utilities.
I find this SICK
I can never consider going back into a relationship with you when you play these cards.
There is no reason I shouldn't have our son everyother weekend,and you should be paying these bills along with me.
Everyday you wake up and leave things this way,is another reason why I will never be with you again.

Ohh my.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had to play at this christian event and met a well known TV Actress there, she saw my group perform. I can't say who it is for the sake of privacy, but I had a chance to talk to her and she told me she recently left a popular show because they wanted her do a sexual bedroom scene, she said No, she feels her role in the industry is to build up marriages and families not tear them down, I was excited for her, she's very nice and on fire for the Lord!! Its nice to see somebody cares and stands for integrity in hollywood. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EC .....That is wonderful news!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I rather her messed up back then than now.. Your husband seems self-centered right now being in the music business he's driven with "I got to make it big, no matter what", even if it means eliminating my wife and kid. The money is all mine because I'm going to make it big one day, forget the bills and responsibilities...and then you're broken and ripped...no one needs to be abused </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can be Thankful that I found out right away,and it wasn't 20 years of marriage.My heart just breaks to think of that pain!!
My ws has told me in the past that if he didn't give it his all in the music field*it would drive him insane the what if's.Going into the marriage I thought it was more of a hobbie,I did not think it would consume him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has the cart before horse, he'll be lonely and miserable guy in the process...He'll regret losing you, you're not an ugly person, but you still need to work on you and discover what you could be better at. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One can ALWAYS improve thyself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ,mainly I have been in counsling(started this week),have gone back to church..i'll be going to a divorce workshop at our church as well.
I just wish with all my heart that the man I once knew would poooof *like magic come back to life,he is 100% differant...and I noticed since where not together I feel more like myself..not walking on egg shells worried sick that he's going to blow up.

You say you're a christian and when he came to the Lord you tried to help him grow. I think that's where we mess up sometimes, we see somebodys potential, we see them not as they are but what they could be, we get behind them nurture them only to see them go back to the pigpen they came from, Its almost like putting suit and necktie on a pig and say here now you'll eat steaks and take a bath for now on, all the while the pig is meditating on how good it felt in the mud , then leaves and says this is for the birds, they jump ship....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> That is sooo true,very good way of putting it...

Wallace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> my eyes are slowly defuzzing,I have been reading and reading and searching the internet..I haven't read so many books so fast..trying to grab at any helpful info I can out there.
you've read through half of this thread? That is a lot of reading... I'll bet your eyes are still trying to get back to normal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm assuming that you are working a Plan B., am I correct in that assumption? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I haven't sent any letter but have been avoiding him and told him I didn't want to talk to him right now.
and cease all contact with your "H" until you start seeing some complete and positive changes coming out of your "H".

I haven't seen anything so far,but him blaming me,He sent me a letter I posted it here...I know I wasn't perfect It hard to be a good wife when you feel 3rd best,music,friends were top on his list...he would complain if I asked him to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home from work.The only reason I would ask is because he drove our only car...just to give you examples
Then the abuse and for 2 years he wouldn't hardle touch me..he hated me! WHy?! I'm still REALLY trying to figure that one out I was never skinny enough pretty enough..wasn't putting him through college wasn't working two jobs plus watching our son full time.It was inpossible to make him happy,unless I was missing something!!!
your "H" is giving up a very beautiful Family/B]

God gave him another chance after we lost our other pregnancies,he was so excited up until our son was born...WHAT'S sad is in all of the pictures he LOOKS MISSERABLE,holding our son with us as a family no smile just plain unhappy...even on joyful days our sons birth, christmas.

Avondale
[B]My husband has been in music full-time for 25 years and you'd recognize some of the people he's worked with and published for..believe me, these guys can get VERY self-centered. Their careers/hobbies are MADE for ego-stroking. Of course, I always said "not my husband" but we all know how that goes....

I think it is very common*** Maybe I was just very bad at knowing how to build him up in that way.He was always compairing me to his buddies wives and girlfriends well she works and lets her husband stay home with the kids to work on his music.SHE understands her husband.
I'm just not that way"I'm a mommy at heart love being a mom,I am by no means a working women."
Stroking his ego was a hard one for me thats forsure..but i'm sure the new OW'en know how to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do Plan B and work on yourself, not for HIS benefit, but for yours! Your parents seem like they are helping you too, both emotionally and with housing and other things. Is that right? I hope so! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes,I should be here for about a year until I'm done with college..and am back on my feet again.

Thank you all for your kind words I hope i didn't miss anyone,ohh and your wise advice too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi All,

Welcome BBMBF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are truly in the right place, I have found this to be he best thread on this board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I started reading, there were already 30+ pages, so I understand your rolling eyeballs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL

As I've said before, when the WS finally leaves you discover that you have spend your married life catering to them while loosing yourself! It is a long journey back to yourself, but you are definitely on the right road!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

relady

Hi all!

Yes, it has been a year. It is something that I am not proud of; however, I have met alot of wonderful people who are going through or have gone through the same marital issues as I have. Together we have helped eachother through one of worst things that can happen to an individual. What is good about this thread is most of us are going through many of the same issues at about the same time. I don't what I would have done if you guys and gals were not here; I hope you feel the same. I don't think of this thread as mine anymore. I gave up ownership along time ago because it is the people (everyone) who makes this thread work. No one person can do it alone. Through all our pain and suffering, we have made better human beings of ourselves.

BBMBF: Welcome to the thread, I will give my two cents later after I read about your situation.

EC: It is amazing how a change in perspective can affect one's outlook. You are doing good. You are headed in the right direction. You seem to be going back to things that you gave up during the marriage. As you well know, one of the things that WS do is try to damage our self asteem. Now, you feel empowered.

Wallace: You seem to have everything under control. I may be going through something similar as you. There is someone who likes me.

Relady: If you are happy with the pace of things, then I guess one has to take a wait and see attitude. It nothing wrong with being in park for a while. Do what is best for you.

Avondale: let us know how meeting with H and D goes.

Dave: I hope things are going well.

Later.

Hi All

It POURED rain here all weekend and I didn't go out...so I now have my house in the cleanest shape it's been in a long time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wallace , on my calendar I have your name by Friday's date (marked for prayer). What is that for? I can't remember but assume it's a court-related thing.

Petvet , what's your court schedule these days? A while back I think you were talking about annulment. Is that going to work out? Have you seen improvement in your son since he switched classes?

Dave, EC, Relady, RMA, BBMBF , hope your weekends went well.

Hi All,
avondale...
As promised... it's time for my past weekend update <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I was kidnapped for a good chunk of my weekend.
We went out for dinner twice... Friday and Saturday night, and on Sunday we attended Church services, and then had brunch. Plus... I did a back end steam boiler rebuild on Saturday. So it was pretty much none stop.
It doesn't appear that I'm slowing this relationship down too much does it?
To try to aswer your question about the Friday date... I'm not aware of anything coming up this Friday... I'm all done with Court until I start filing garnishment motions to the Court, and I probably won't do that until the beginning of 2003. So I'm not sure why you have it marked down for this Friday... but I can use all the prayers I can get... all day everyday.
Betrayed...
I'll give you my take on your "H's" letter.
It's a justification letter for all the garbage that he has been putting you through. It's his way of making you look like the bad guy, and lessening his guilt for the things he has done... it's so very typical... typical 'fog speak".
Glad to hear that you joined a Church as well as a support group. It will eventually help put your situation into perspective for you.
Petvet...
Oh, oh, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> you "are" following in my footseps aren't you? (LOL)
If you keep that up... your going to need to post weekend updates as well... that's if you decide to pursue the relationship.
What do you plan on doing? Are you going to act on it if you get "D"... or are you going to let it fall by the wayside?
How is everything else going with your son and such?
relady, RMA, EC, and Dave...
I hope you all had a good weekend.
We are running short handed at work today... everyone decided to take an extended weekend... and this "old dog" of a computer I am working on is trying to die out on me.
Hope everyone has a great day.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

"I haven't seen anything so far,but him blaming me,He sent me a letter I posted it here...I know I wasn't perfect It hard to be a good wife when you feel 3rd best,music,friends were top on his list...he would complain if I asked him to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home from work.The only reason I would ask is because he drove our only car...just to give you examples
Then the abuse and for 2 years he wouldn't hardle touch me..he hated me! WHy?! I'm still REALLY trying to figure that one out I was never skinny enough pretty enough..wasn't putting him through college wasn't working two jobs plus watching our son full time.It was inpossible to make him happy,unless I was missing something!!!"

Mary, Ken is not happy with himself, therefore he is not going to be happy with anyone else.You could of done everything perfect and it still wouldn't of mattered. It is not about how you look, your weight, your income, taking care your son, etc, etc. It is ALL about him. Your last statement is 100% on, "it was impossible to make him happy". No one is perfect, we could of all done things better in our marriage and in our life but that is part of life, living and learning... Accepting that you are not to blame for any of this is hard but you will come to that conclusion if you haven't already. Nothing justifies having an A and certainly nothing justifies abuse. I am glad you checked out this thread.

EC, sounds like you are doing better.. stay stong..

Wallace, glad things are going well for you..

Petvet, I echo your statments about this thread, don't know what I would of done without it.

RMA, Avondale, Relady, hope you are all doing well.

Dave

Hi Everyone,

Not much happening on the home front...

Hey Petvet, an admirer, Hummmmm??...Sounds like you are about to walk in new territory....

Wallace - Many dates, hummmmmm? Get the facts before you fall in love, she may be the right one and may be perfect for you, but we can't have a soldier down..remember what you see is what you get, don't expect to change anyone...

Davepr - What an episode, hope you're doing better, I'm slowly coming to reality, I just need to let go more and more...

Relady, avondale, RMA hope all is well with you guys

Hi all!

BTBF: Please understand that in the eyes of the WS they cannot do any wrong. Once they feel that they have found greener pastures, the BS becomes an old model T or a half dead mule. Just thinking about my own situation that sticks out in my mine was when I told w that I was doing the best I could and she told me that my best was not good enough. The WS will do whatever they can to sabotage the relationship. WS are very cocky until they hit the WALL.

Wallace: Please keep your head screwed on straight and think with your mind not with your hormones. Your friend will appreciate your carefulness.

Avondale: Rain and cold are not my favorite outdoor environment either.

Me: There is no court date planned. Son is doing ok with new teacher. I am having to crack down on him pretty heavy because he thinks that he is KING of EVERYTHING. Yes, i have been talking to a friend. I am not going to physically take her out because I am still married. I even feel a little strange talking to friend over the phone. I have been up front with my situation. I think about reconciliation with w everyday, but I cannot imagine trusting her again. She has not come forth with a honest effort to reconcile. My attorney and i want to get D finalize out of court by 2003. I need to move on.

Later.

Hi All,
Petvet...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Through all our pain and suffering, we have made better human beings of ourselves. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with that statement whole heartedly. I echo Dave's statement... I don't know what I would of done without this thread either... as relady stated " I found this to be the best thread on the board"... I agree.
Glad to hear that your son is doing better with his new teacher. Your son being the "King" sounds a little familiar.
My "YD" think she is the "Queen of everything" as well... sometimes it gets a little out of hand, but then she comes back down to earth.
Just want to clarify my situation with my "lady friend".
I am in fact (even though it doesn't appear that I am) trying to slow down the relationship to a point where it is not taken so seriously. I know I am not succeeding very well at this particular point in time... but I am working on it.
I have a good handle on it from my end... but I can't control what she is feeling for me. So it's steady as she goes, very slow and mythodical from my end.
When I was at Church this past Sunday... the sermon consisted about what God had planned for our "marriage" as well as being "single" and "divorced". They even brought up the "ENs" questionaire that is used here on "MBers".
In a nut shell, when we are single or divorced, it is in fact God's will... it is a time that he allows us to rest in his word and become closer to Him. We are to use this time to become closer to God, andto follow in the Lord's word. The were speaking from Corinthians:, when Paul was giving his opinion on marriage. It was an excellent service.
I Hope everyone has a good day.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi All,

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's really wonderful to see the progress everyone is making, it really blesses my heart to know there is hope when we stay the course.

The end is better than the beginning.

Pretty soon, we'll have to edit the title and call it 'New Loves for Tough Loves' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> or something similar. LOL

Petvet,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The WS will do whatever they can to sabotage the relationship. WS are very cocky until they hit the WALL.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so true. They will never succeed with the OP because of the lies and deceit. They just never learn. Isn't it funny how they all say and do the same thing? Whether it is male or female.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think about reconciliation with w everyday, but I cannot imagine trusting her again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another thing I'm getting out of this is, if there is to be a reconciliation, you have to forgive WS and trust only the Lord and He will do the rest. He and He alone can turn the hearts of men.

We have to know when they are God cases and when they are Man's case, an important difference.

Wallace,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am in fact (even though it doesn't appear that I am) trying to slow down the relationship to a point where it is not taken so seriously. I know I am not succeeding very well at this particular point in time... but I am working on it.
I have a good handle on it from my end... but I can't control what she is feeling for me. So it's steady as she goes, very slow and mythodical from my end.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it doesn't appear to us that you're not slowing down, how do you think it appears to your lady friend? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Scenario I am female, recently divorced, or soon to be divorced, I find this wonderful gentleman who treats me better than my X, I don't have to worry about where he is on weekends, because he's with me! Hey, I know I'll work on his fragile emotions before anyone else can get to him. Let him know I love him, just in case he's thinking about dating other people!!

IMHO, try slowing down by not seeing her for one weekend, and see the reaction. I'm sure you'll be surprised <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Strictly my female perception.

Avondale, EC, Davepr, and the missing RMA, hope all is well

God Bless You,
relady

Hey y'all

Petvet brought up "TRUST". Tell me something (since you are farther along in this stuff than I am)...at what point do you learn to trust another person again? Even someone new, who's not your WS ? Does the mistrust from one relationship carry over into new ones? Does it just take time, or are you able to really know in your head & heart that this is someone new who - hopefully- won't give reasons to distrust again?

Wallace- I am changing today from "little sister mode" to "also a female mode". I was going to cut and paste the same quote that relady did but it's taken me several hours off and on to get this written cuz of work...Relady and I are of the same mind. Is this woman asking YOU out for these dates, and you're saying "yes"? If so, maybe you should consider a "no" once in a while. Or are you asking HER out several times a week? If you're initiating them, it sure appears to me from 2000 miles away that you are pursuing her in some manner. And I bet this lady friend thinks the same thing. We women are alike this way.

Relady ...I like your proposed title "New Loves for Tough Loves" LOL So maybe there is hope for us too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi All,
It got a little slow here at work... so I decided to come back and see what was going on here.
I couldn't let this sit overnight after I read your posts... so I decided to log back in and post something. I'll have to admit, as I'm typing this... I have laughed and have been grinning the whole time reading the posts.
You are all great, you bring up some very valid points and direction.
I'm still sitting here with a big "old smile" on my face.
relady...
"New Loves for Tough Loves", I'm still laughing over that... that is so good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I have just recently been able to truly laugh again... It is a good feeling.
avondale...
I want to include you in on this too, as you and relady are both are on the same page it appears.
O.k., here it goes in an abbreviated form, I hope.
How do I say this... when this first got started... I would meet with her and several people after Church for coffee, and brunch.
Through our many conversations we both decided after our "D" that we would like to get toether for a dinner (singular).
Both of our "Ds" came and we decided that we would like to go out and have dinner together... by ourselves (and I was the initiator of the idea).
Well the evening went so well, that I, (yes it was me) asked her if she would like to meet again for another dinner date, and she said she would love to. So we went out on another dinner date... that was the first week if my memory serves me correctly.
Well, I must of made such an impression for all the months that I have been talking with her and the other people in our Church group, she indicated to me that she wanted me to call her after our dinner dates.
As you all know, we have been seeing each other on quite a regular basis since then, (and yes, it was probably me that initiated the next dinner dates).
Well she told me that she was falling in love with me after several weeks of seeing each other more or less off and on.
It has now gotten to the point, that she wants to be with me all the time... but she realizes that I need my time to heal.
She doesn't come right out and say that she wants to be with me all the time... but it's a feeling that I am getting, and I feel that if I don't accomodate her needs (we took the ENs questionaire and one of her top 5 needs are communication), that I might end up hurting her, which I don't want to do.
She is very much in love with me, and I had indicated to her and to everyone that I was more afraid of hurting her than of her hurting me. She indicated she is afraid of that as well.
I don't know, maybe I'm in a rebound relationship. I don't feel like I am, but maybe I am. I don't want it to be a rebound relationship, of course I'm not ready for any full blown relationship either... and I have indicated this to her.
I'm "damaged goods"... and she accepts that, at least for the time being.
So am I leading her on? I don't think I am, at least I'm not conscious of it. I do really enjoy being with her. I'm not looking for marriage, but I'm not out there playing the boards to see how many woman I can pick-up either. That's not what I'm looking for, never have and never probably will.
I'm trying to stay focused on the Lord, and at the same time... it is nice to be able to communicate with someone of the opposite sex.
I have been out of the loop for quite some time, so I'm finding that it is a very enjoyable experience for me... because it's been awhile since I had some good honest (my #1 need) communication.
What would happen if I told her that I was not going to see her for let's say a week? She would probably start thinking that I wasn't interested in her anymore... and she would probably feel hurt.
So I am probably guilty for getting things started (2000 miles away, avondale... your good), but I didn't expect for someone to fall head over heels for me that quickly.
I'm just being me, that's all I have ever been... and someone actually likes, no loves it.
I'm open for suggestions, and any advice you want to give me.
avondale... I would like to give you my thoughts concerning the trust issue as I'm dealing with it now... and I'm going to use the relationship I'm in now as an example.
For me, at this stage, trust has to be earned, it's not given.
I believe that's because of all the wonderfulness I have been through in the last umpteen years.
At first... my walls were way up... way up... and as time went on, I started to let my walls come down ever so slightly, just to see what would happen.
There is still a long way to go, but I have found with my "lady friend", at this stage (and it's still very early) that she not given me the slightest indication as of yet that she can't be trusted.
The walls are still up mind you... and only time will tell of the outcome. If however I get one indication that she is not being totally honest with me... I'm going to be out of her life so fast it will make her head spin.
So that's my experience with it so far. (side note:) I could never trust my exW ever again.
I've rambled on for too long, so I will let you all go... until tomorrow.
Stay Strong!
Wallace