</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Petvet:
<strong>I want to know whether anyone has used the Love Must Be Tough techniques? Also, I would like to know whether it is commen for people to file for divorce or actually divorce and later reconcile?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, I am very new to this forum so forgive my mistakes. I have actually posted the same question since my spouse and I divorced over a year ago. Are you now in plan B? It took me over a year to get out of the fog and waiting it out would have been best for us. That's an incredibly hard process and proved to be impossible for my H. We talked a lot the whole time so I got some needs met by the OM and my stability/emotional needs met by my H. I think if he had TOTALLY cut me off, I would have gotten out of the fog sooner. Who knows? It's so terrible to even think about. I wish you blessings.

<small>[ February 02, 2003, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Is it too late? ]</small>

Hello everyone

Life can be good no matter what goes on outside of you. God can use the devastation in our lives to grow something good. It really feels good to realize that I am actually "living" again. The world looks different today. This evening, my mom, sister, her husband & my YS went to dinner. I was relaxed, we laughed and basically just had a good time. For about a year after dday, I was so preoccpied with WH, my grief, anger and pain that I didn't live in the moment.

I cancelled my appointment with the attorney on the 31st and had a new one recommended to me. They sent my paperwork to be filled out before the first appointment. They were not kidding - they want everything the first visit & this guy seems very organized. A good friend of mine 's XH used this attorney & she was not happy with him, but her XH was! He came as a referral from my new financial advisor.

The mentor program is helping and already I have noticed changes in my thoughts and consequently my actions and what happens around me. I had been struggling for months (really years) with finances & cars broken down that just sit at my house, with old yukky furniture and TV. The last week or two, God has used my overflowing washing machine to enable me to replace all these things! God is good.

There is soooo much to do, gathering all this information for the attorney. I am self employed so that multiplies things exponentially, plus I will copy him on all the "information" that I have collected.

One of the workers may take over the business up there & WH seems to be relieved. We have a number of law suits going & that's another story in itself. Life is very full to say the least.

I hope all are well - Have a great Monday

Hi Everyone,

Happy Monday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope your weekend was wonderful.

EC

What a beautiful way to start my Monday, by reading your post from yesterday. Very inspiring. This is the kind of post that encourages BS's to stop feeling sorry for themselves, concentrate on themselves, and do something that moves them forward. Many times we miss the opportunity that has been dropped in our laps by our unsuspecting WS's because we're so busy thinking about what we've 'lost' and not looking at what we have 'found' ourselves .

In the 7 months that I've been separated, I have totally changed my appearance, have more confidence, increased my income, and totally enjoy being with myself. What a change! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I am truly loving life these days.

I am printing your post for future reference. You should post it on other threads as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wallace

How are the repairs coming? I always thought you were too 'hot to handle' Now look what you've done! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Avondale

How are you and where have you been?

Petvet, RMA, EC and Everyone Else

Have a great and wonderful day.

God Bless,
relady

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: relady ]</small>

Hi All,

I've been very busy the last several days. I did get my electrical problem and some of the repairs completed. There is still quite a bit to do though. I'll probably be working on it off and on the next several months putting it all back together again.

avondale...

I'm doing most of the work myself with subcontractors coming in... elctricians, drywall subcontractors... etc. I carry in addition to my Plumbing license... a General Contractors license as well... even though I don't do work as a GC.

The damage was primarily the electrical, a few walls in our family room, carpet, some tile, and one bathroom that needs work. I'll do most of the work myself... but the carpet and electrical work will be subcontracted out.

ThePits

Hello and welcome to "MBers" and the "Tough Love" thread. I'm sorry to see that your here... but under the circumstances it's a good place to be. I'm glad that this thread has helped you... it was a real life saver for me as well.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Keep us informed of your situation and we will try to help as best we can.

When the "A" my exW came to light... I felt as though I had my soul ripped out of me. I was devastated when I had found out about all the wonderfulness that I was left with... I truly felt as though a had hit bottom. As time went on... I did become stronger and you indeed will also become stronger... it's the nature of the beast. You will either become stronger or it will consume you. Most choose not to be consumed... and I'm sure you won't either.

Petvet...

Your life sounds like it's moving as fast as mine is. I'm trying to keep up with all that's going on in my life. I went from living a pretty sedate life style to one that is almost borderline out of control. Not enough time in the day for everything... there is always something.

RMA...

Good to hear from you! When you mentioned tax returns... it brought up another thing to put on my "To do List". Hope your doing well... I'm always wondering how you are making out. Don't stay away for too long a period... you know how I like to wander off and get myself in a mess... LOL.

It was terrible news about the Space shuttle. We have had a number of tragic days in this country here lately. My prayers are with the families and friends of all that were lost.

EC...

That was a very inspiring post. You couldn't have picked a better time to post that. I agree with relady...other MBers should see that. You should post that on a thread all and of it's own.
Even with everything going on this past weekend... I had of all things... a dream about my exW. It woke me right out of a dead sleep. I don't know what prompted the dream, but I'm not looking forward to anymore of them. Just when you think your past it... I guess your not... oh well.

Is it too late...

I would like to welcome you to the "Tough Love" thread as well.
To answer you question from my vantage point as far as whether any of us are still in Plan B. In a sense I'm still in Plan B. I'm not in it for any of the reasons I originally started out with... as I have no need or desire to communicate with my exW. She is not interested in contacting her children, and at this point in time they have no desire to communicate with her. IMHO, she is in a very sad state as far as what use to be her family... it will more than likely take her a life time, if ever to recover what she lost in terms of love that her children once had for her.

It sounds as though you are the WS in your M... am I correct in that assumption? I would be very interested in hearing your story... if you wish to share your it.

WGTT...

It sounds like you have plenty going on as well.

I remember when I had to dig up all the paper work to give to my attorney to proceed with my D. It took me almost two months to get it all together. Sad part is... I'm not done. I'm getting ready for round two with the exW... Contempt of Court for noncompliance of CS.

Glad to hear that things are heading in a positive direction for you.

relady...

I must of forgot to hit the bold button.

LOL...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always thought you were too hot to handle. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I never looked at it quite that way. No wonder the smoke alarm didn't go off... LOL.

I think both you and EC put it well. Don't dwell on what we may or may not have lost... look at all the wonderful things that we are gaining.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hey Y'all,
Funny how we can go days without a post and then get several posts on the same day.

EC, your post WAS inspiring and I thought I had told you that but I guess it was in my dreams since it's not showing here, LOL

Relady, you are tooo punny...er, funny! "hot to handle"?? Don't let his lady friend hear that, LOL

IsItTooLate, welcome to this thread! I consider myself in Plan B; that is, having no initiative to interact with my WS.

WGTT, I read in the other thread about your furniture, that is GREAT news, congratuations! I know you have a very mixed up situation because of the business aspect, so hang in there!

Wallace, You're fortunate to be able to handle a lot of that yourself. I bet you had contacts too, that hopefully will be trustworthy if not cheap. Maybe both!

Me, well, I got the dreaded tax question from WH today on email. He said:
You probably are recieving some Tax stuff - probably best to just start a file and keep everything over there, don't you think? I don't mind keeping it here, but I assume we will be filing jointly. All I've recieved so far is my W2 from my employer, but most stuff will probably be sent to your house.

Well, my answer is prepared thanks to asking y'all what to do, and I've re-written so as to not be nasty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I wonder why he "assumed" anything? Could it be he's STILL in the fog? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And now for the first time in 25 years, I'm having the responsibility to get the tax stuff ready for the CPA. Lucky Me!

Hi all!

The Pits: Welcome to the thread. I am sorry to hear about your situation; we have seen people in your very situation before. All WSs sound alike. We are here to help you if you need advice or just want someone to communicate with eho understands your situation.

EC: Brother, you sound like a Billy Graham. When are you going to start your revival? You have talent. I loved your message.

Wallace: You may want to let someone else do electrical stuff; electrical stuff is nothing to play with. I know you are saving alot of money.

RMA: Nice to hear from you. We are in the same business. Busy time of year.

Relady: Yes, you have shown a tremendous amount of strength since we have known you. You have not missed a beat.

Avondale: Remember, please don't file jointly. I learned the hard way.

Me: I've been very busy. Many times I read your posts but don't have time to respond. Somedays are better than others. No, court date yet.

Later.

Hi Everyone -

I am trying to take things day by day lately. But everyday that we are apart I start to question if the M is even worth it anymore. He says that too much damage has been done. Yes, a lot of damage has been done, but why am I the only one that wants to work on it. He is the one that did all the damage - I am the one saying lets work on it and he is like lets move on. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but who's is? I knew we were going to have our fair share of problems and I have stood by him through it all. How is it so easy for him to just walk away. That is what I am having the biggest problem with. I just don't understand what gave him the idea he could date while he is married?!?!?! It is just so frustrating!

At the moment we are getting along fine. We actually went out on Sunday as a family. Took the kids to the arcade. The kids are doing well under the circumstances. I don't limit the times he can visit them. It would only spite the kids if I did so. I want to make things as normal as possible for them for as long as I can. I just hope that I am not making it too easy for H to continue to live his two lives.

Any suggestions? I just don't know what to do next. Him being out of the house has made me stronger, but I don't know what to do to put my family back together again.

I don't wish this hurt on anyone.

The Pits Basically you're the only one who can determine your future. God gave you free will to make decisions. I've been reading some of your previous posts and assume you were ConfusedbutHopeful who underwent a name change. Are either of you seeing a marriage counselor? Or any type of counselor, for that matter? Have you been reading up on SA to get better insight into your husband? With him out of the house now, you have the option of Plan A or Plan B. Have you read up on those here at MB? Remember, in Plan A you do have to be somewhat of a "doormat" and allow some cake-eating.

I know what you mean about feeling stronger since your H has gone. I am finding it easier to get emotionally healthy since I have recently discontinued ANY contact with my H after he moved out 7 months ago. Just the thought of talking about taxes with him makes me queasy (not cuz of the taxes, but of interacting with him in his pious fog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

Petvet - I hope you're right about the "married filing separately" cuz I did some figuring of my own at a tax website and it looks like I may have to pay $5000 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . However, that still may be worth it in order to not have to talk to my H. I guess we'll see how other income figures into it.

Hi everyone,

I hope everyones day is going well.

The Pits...

I'll give you the answer to your question concerning why your "H" is acting the way that he is.

It's because he is ...

"selfish and self-centered"

These are the two main reasons... everything revolves around that... not much more.

Once that concept is grasped... it helps explain why the WS does the things that they do.

I would Plan A.at this point in time. Working a good Plan A. is about you, not about them. Working to make yourself a better person, and all the while you are doing that... maybe, just maybe, your "H" will stop long enough to come out of his fog and take notice.

If you haven't read the Plan A and Plan B. concepts on this site... I highly recommend you do when you get an opportunity... they have some very valuable info. that may be able to show you where to set your boundaries.

avondale...

Just curious... did you do your tax estimate on that site with you and your "H' filing jointly?

$5,000.00 is quite a bit to have to pay in... I might want to research that one a little further before I make any moves.

I would talk with my exW for $5,000.00. It would be the fastesst $5,000.00 I ever made... I would give my exW about 30 seconds of talk time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Oh, by the way... my "lady friend" already knows I'm on fire... LOL j/k

Petvet...

I subcontracted the electricl work out... it's all done as far as what the damage and areas was concerned.

What's the deal with the no court date? Something in the wind?

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

I'm sorry folks that I have been away but I have been flat on my back with the flu and I haven't been able to sit up for quite awhile. I needed to lose some weight anyway lol.

I have been reading a lot of books however to help me through all of this...Love Busters, books by James Dobson, and also Forgive for Good all excellent books. I learned a lot about myself and what may have cause my W to wonder away and have the affair. I know that OM has too much of an influence on her and she no longer wants to come back to this life with me. The caring and nurturing that he gives her outshadows anything that I could give her(in her mind). I however will have to forgive them and move on. I will not forget what they did to me or our children. I will pray everyday for both of them so that God will soften their hearts and turn their lives over to him.

I am fighting too many LB's in my head. She will not listen to me. I cant make her love me or leave OM until she see's what she has done during this whole ordeal. I tried it all, even quoting scripture and all I succeeded in doing is push her farther away. I should have just let her know that I loved her and wanted our marriage to work. Let God work his will in her. He was patient enough for me when I was going through life in my own personal fog. Now it's time for me to pray for her and let God work his will into her life.

I will never give up on her. The affair has been going on since last Sept. and I will still pray for her. The divorce is still moving along at a snail's pace. I am using this time for prayer and hoping God is allowing the divorce to move slowly so that she will come back to me. I try to be nice and cordial to her when I deal with her but it's hard to swallow when your stomach gets caught in your throat and your heart melts when I look into her eyes.

Her feeling for OM is strong and she tells me about things that they are doing with the kids and all I can do is nod my head and try to be polite.... That just kills me. I have to forgive and move on and be the best that I can be with God's help. I know the Lord brought us together and 14 years is something we built to last a lifetime. I will have to be patient through all of this.

Petvet,Wallace,WGTT,IsItTooLate,avondale25,Relady,,RMA, and everybody else, your words of encouragement not only to me but everyone else are so timely and I always enjoy coming here and getting either a "pickmeup" or advice. Thanks.

The Pits,your H and my W must read from the same manual; because your posts seem quite similar to mine. Hang in there and please keep posting... these people are awesome and have really helped me alot.

Hey the TL Gang,

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Glad I was able to encourage ya'll, you know that's whats life is about, when one has the fire, pass it and charge someone else, we have our good times and bad times still, sometimes you're in the valley and sometimes you're on the mountain top. I'm just trying to walk in the middle again on the plateau, but it's a journey. My outlook is slowly changing from ' Look what you done to me' to ' Look what you done for me' your actions that was meant and intended to hurt and destroy me brought me into the greatest blessings I never dreamed I could do or happen. You want something you never had? You got to do something you've never done. Your actions today set things in motion for your future.

Whatever promises God made while you were married does not cease just because your W or H left, God is faithful and will finish what he started, he is a wise and faithful builder. He will bring you into your inheritence because you're his child, God needs time to perform it for you, be patient and watch.

Phil 1

6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

Take Care

Hi all:

Avondale: I would recommend this for you. Why don't you pay a visit to a CFP or CPA to have them run some numbers for you? At most it make cost you $150 for one hour of their time. I would not trust the website. This way you won't be taking my word or website, but the word of someone who has look at your individual situation. I would just hate for you to have to deal with any problems with depending on your H to help you pay taxes back especially when the debt was based on two incomes. Do you understand what I'm saying?

The Pits: I would recommend you read the definitions for Plan A & B.

FAA: Have you seen an attorney? Have I asked you this before?

Me: Well, I have some good and bad news. My court date is February 20th. I just found out yesterday. I feel kinda odd. What can I say?

Later.

Petvet,
Thanks for the insight...I have a CPA/CFP and was just checking the website for preliminary info. Also, I had forgotten to include household support checks from WH as income so that may make the amount I owe probably less. I'm taking the stuff to my guy today or tomorrow.

I don't know what to say about your court date either. Two weeks away. We all know you've done everything you could, and you can hold your head high and be at peace with yourself. I've written that date on my calendar to be praying for you.

Hi All!!

Yes, it's another fun filled day in the City of Dysfunction! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Avondale - yes, I was ConfusedButHopeful, but lately life has been ThePits since H has moved out. It's been less stressful since I am not stressing about where he is going when he walks out the door, but I still wonder once an a while. Sad thing is that he is more helpful to me since he moved out. Go Figure! I know that I am the only one that can determine how much I can take, but I wish I could get hold of a crystal ball that had some incite as to where I am headed!
I am not a deeply religious person, I have my beliefs and I took/take my vows seriously. But I really feel that I am being tested on the "for better or worse" part!

Wallace - I agree with the selfishness and self-centeredness. I think I actually got him to see this side of himself a couple of weeks ago. He somewhat admited it to me. I was shocked, but tried not to let him see it otherwise it would have came out "I told you so". He realizes now how much hurt he has caused with his actions, but he can't cut contact with OW. He feels that too much damage has been done and we can't move forward, he is scared. I have tried to make him feel welcome and Plan A all I can, but I just don't see him coming home to be a family.

PetVet - Yes, I have read and read and read and I understand somewhat of what is going on in his head, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I just want to knock him over his head and say wake up!

FeelingAllAlone - I agree with you. I just don't understand where all this fog talk comes from and that it all sounds the same! Is there a school for this?

My MIL is finally coming around to the fact that this is not all my fault. She is trying to get my H to talk to the priest that she works for. I really hope that she gets him to go, he won't get help on his own. My H really needs to speak with someone and he won't go into counseling with me or even for himself.

Oh well, like I said, another fun filled day!!!

Hope all is well for everyone!

Hello All,

FAA...

One thing that I learned through all of this was patience. It appears that you have been very patient as well... but there comes a time when you have to decide to move forward with your life... with or without your WS.

Only you will know when that time is, and when you believe you have had enough... there will be no doubt in your mind about it.

Pray on it, and give it to the Lord and allow him to lead you to what He has planned.

You need to heal... and by exposing yourself to your WS and her continued antics IMHO will not allow you the time that you need in order to heal and move forward.

Give yourself a break away from the madness, as hard and as difficult it may be... it will do you some good, I'm sure.

EC...

I agree with what you posted. Our reward is not in this lifetime... If we stand strong and hold our faith... we win.

If you lose your faith... you have lost it all. They can take everything else away from me... but they will never take my faith in the Lord.

Petvet...

Is this the final hearing for your D... on the
20th? If so, I will light a candle for you and be praying for you.

As avondale stated, you have done all you could do. You can walk away with your head held high and you can be proud of what you have attempted to resolve. It will be your W loss in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry it has turned out the way that it did... there was a number of times when I thought you might be close to reconciling with your wife.

Prayers and blessings to you my friend.

avondale...

Sounds like your playing out your options concerning your tax return... I hate even thinking about it on my end. I'm slowly gathering up all the items that I'm going to need. I'll probably wait till the 11th hour and then go in and have my CPA do them.

ThePits...

When you get right down to it... all of the WSs seem to be saying and doing the same thing. Just the names and circumstances are a little different to protect the innocent. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I wouldn't depend to much on his family helping things out. I'm sure your aware the saying around here... "Blood is thicker than mud". But if they do... consider it a plus in your favor... just don't lean too heavily on it.

relady...

How are doing? You have been a little quiet here lately... are you driving in your car with the top down and your hair blowing in the wind?

Dave...

If you see this... I hope everything is still going well for you.

WGTT and RMA...

Hope everything is going well.

I hope I didn't miss anyone... If I did, I'll remember you on the next post.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi all:

Avondale: You seem to have things under control with your taxes.

The Pits: I would second what Wallace told you. Don't be too hard on herself because you will definitely know when it's time to move on.

Wallace: Yes, this is THE HEARING. I have been so so all day long. I'm sad.

Later.

Hi All,

Hope everyone is well.

Thepits

Welcome to the TL thread if I haven't done that all ready. My days seem to be running together.

On this thread you have the 'gurus' of relationship with valuable information so don't hesitate to ask a question or state a feeling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace

I have been posting although I have been very busy imnplementing new ideas. Things that will allow me to work smarter not harder. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nothing new in my situation, no convertible yet.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> For now, I have to let my hair blow through the sun roof. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How are your repairs going? And how is your OD? Are you still communicating with her?

{{{{{{{{Petvet}}}}}}}

I hope everything works out for you on the 20th. Is this your final hearing? Will your stbxw have to appear as well? I will definitely be praying for you up to and including that date.

Avondale

Did you send the email to your 'H' yet? My accountant said when you're married and filing separate your taxes are higher because you loose your marital benefits. I've been filing separate since I got married, however; I have so many write-offs, I don't notice it much.

Davepr

How are you? and how is your recovery going? We don't hear much from you lately.

RMA, WGTT, EC, FAA

Hope you are all having a wonderful day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless
relady

Hi All -

Just a quick note to say I was thinking of all of you.

Thanks for all the good wishes! As for my in-laws, I try not to rely on them or tell them too much as I know he is blood and always will be. They are good people and only want the best for us, and thankfully they want us to stay married.

Oh well, back to work. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it!

Hi All,

I've been going through some triggers here lately... I'll post on it soon. Trying to figure out why I'm having them as they come for no paticular reason. I'll get back to all of you on it.

Petvet...

I know your sad my friend... and I understand the pain that your going through at this very moment. For me... when my time came up... reality had set in full tilt for me... I "indeed" was going to be divorced. It was a hard fact to totally swallow, but I knew it was truly over.

I leaned on God very heavily, and to this day I still do... without him... I'm not sure I would of made it as well as I did.

Your in my prayers and thoughts and we are here for you as your final Court date draws near.

relady...

Here all this time I thought you had a convertilbe top on your car... LOL

I agree with you about the working smarter not harder concept. I try to do it all the time myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> although I'm not always successful, I try.

I'm going through this syndrome of having my days all run together somewhat like you. I'm having a hard time keeping track of what the date and time is... I've got so much going on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well I hope everyone is having a good day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

To all, I have read all the post, but don't have the time to reply. Keep the good advice going, guys.

Petvet,

I saw you finally have a date. I can defintiely relate to the heavy sadness you feel. Keep praying. God has great things in store for yoru life. If the door does indeed close on this relationship, know that God will lead you at the appropriate time to another door. Keep the faith that no matter the outcome of this chapter in your life, you WILL have a happy and fulfilling life at some point in the future. Many prayers coming your way!!

Wallace,

You need a fire extinguisher before you get into too much trouble! teehee

RMA