Hi All,

Well it's Friday... and I'm going to try to wind this week down early. I'm out of here at Noon.

relady and avondale...

I am in agreement with you both. Everything both of you have said has been right on the numbers.

I did ask God to direct me... and my G/F is not the one. In fact it has been put into my heart that there is no one else that will come into my life that will allow me to love again like I loved my exW. So there is really no sense in really thinking about it.

I don't believe I'm needy... in fact I'm finding myself each and everyday not needing another woman in my life. Like I've said many times before... I like being single.

Was this a rebound relationship? It may very well have been. But I really can't say for certain, because I didn't walk into it feeling like I needed to start up another relationship.

I'm having dinner with her tonight, and I more than likely will break it off with her. I am going to tell her that I would just like to stay friends, but that's it.

Thanks for the guidance avondale and relady, and relady, I knew you had that crystal ball running the whole time... LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Spirit Driven...

I'm not sure what you might be referring to what Petvet stated.

I hope everyone has a good weekend... I know mine is going to be interesting.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey All,

Happy Friday. Have a great Weekend.

Wallace

I'm glad I caught your post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm having dinner with her tonight, and I more than likely will break it off with her. I am going to tell her that I would just like to stay friends, but that's it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whatever you do, please do not use the 'friend' sentence! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In fact it has been put into my heart that there is no one else that will come into my life that will allow me to love again like I loved my exW. So there is really no sense in really thinking about it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me, when the time is right, God will send someone else that's right for you. Meanwhile, God wants to spend time with you, making you into who He wants you to be.

Just rest in the fact that He knows what's best for you.

God Bless,
relady

Wallace, I agree with Relady, don't use the "friend" phraseology. It reeks of superiority and most people who are on the receiving end of that type of conversation get hurt even more. If you remain friends naturally, it will happen, and that's great.

Spirit Driven,- I also do not understand your question. Which comment were you referring to by Petvet? Could you perhaps use the "quote" button to show us? That would involve copying where he wrote that, and then choosing the "quote" button under the UBB code selections and pasting what Petvet wrote in between the two quotes. I'm sure Petvet will comment and we will be glad to also but it's not clear what you read.

Everlasting Compassion - where are you? Miss ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope everyone else has a great weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I'm choosing this icon in case we actually get our first sunshine in 3 weeks here!

Hi Gang!

Look like eveybody is busy!!

Nothing new happening on my end...Go to court 3rd week of June...

Wallace - Sorry to see the ship being tossed. As they say, if you want to know how someone really is, see then respond under pressure, then you see the real side and it ain't going away. My concern is that 1. You sound like you didn't do any relationship reading to maintain steady paced friendship but applied marriage matterial from the begining. 2. If I'm correct did she go straight from her husband to you? Is she so co-dependent she wants to marry you out of fear rather than love? Did she say go find someone else because that's what she'll do immediately rather than deal with seeing herself alone for a while? or the big question? is this a sex issue for her?

Just my thoughts?

Avondale - Glad to see you are making it along the journey. I'm ok, just trying to live life.

Hello eveyone else - Keep up the good work Relady

Take Care

Hi all!

Wallace: Oh Boy, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> where do I start? You may want to take Relady's and Avondale's advice and cut G/F aloose. Firstly, she is already taking sides in regards to the kids. She is piting her kids against yours and there is no way that will work in a marriage or a relationship. Secondly, if she is being bosey now, that type of behavior will not go away when you get married, it will only get worst. By the way, you guys are not living together are you? Please tell me
NO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Your kids are a lot older than mine and buddy's, so they have laid down their tuff and marked it. This time should have been used to investigate whether this friend of yours is a good match even to make good company rather than from the marriage mold. If I were you, I would not feel bad because you have avoided a train wreck. I would move on to the next candidate whenever that person shows up. You have to admit that there have been red flags all over the place since day one. Even from the stand point of just a friend those flags should have gotten your attention. I think Relady said that you may be picky someone just like your ex. She may be right; if that is the case, you really need to reevaluate what you are doing because if you are unconsciously jumping right into another RAT hole, you need to look inward. Don't be sad man, chalk it up as a narrow miss. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Charge ahead my good man.

Me: My kid and buddy's kid get along very well. I told her I expect her to treat my kid as though he was her own and vice versa. We have serious talks all the time, and I try to discuss any problems as quick as possible and nip them in the bud. If something is on my mine or bothering me, I let it out. She is totally different than my ex. They have nothing in common except their race. Don't expect me to be going down the aisle anytime soon. We know this is a process. We are just enjoy our time together. We are trying to conduct our relationship through faith and follow our religious principles. We will see what happens. She said to me recently that when she got involve with me that she also took on my baggage as well (kid, ex, etc)and vice versa. We had our first serious conflict on last Tuesday. We had to make sure where each of us were in our relationship; it was so deep that I nearly cried. Everything is fine now, but I know other minefields are out there. I want to discover as many minefields as possible. Rather now than later.

And I'm gone.

PS: Thanks Avondale, EC, and Relady for your advice to Wallace.

Hi All,

Well the weekend went by way too fast for me such as it usually does.

Well... My G/F and I went to dinner Friday night, and we had a very in depth conversation about everything.

I had initially began the conversation with the "this isn't working statement".

After several hours of going through everything that has happened in our relationship from the beginning to where we are right now. I decided not to give up on the relationship as of yet.

She indicated that she said all those things to me because she was feeling insecure in our relationship and she wanted to see if in fact I would cut and run... which I was prepared to do.

Ironically, we get along just fine. This in fact was pretty much our first problem area that we have really ran into. It wasn't until our kids kicked in that we started seeing signs of any real sort of a problem.

We have had differing views on this relationship, and how far and how fast to take it... and with most relationships... there are going to be bumps in the road.

What we decided... was to continue our relationship... with no marriage plans to be even thought of until all the kids have gone their merry way... which is going to be quite awhile.

I have indeed seen some major red flags through out this relationship thus far. It's going on 8 or 9 months now that we have been seeing each other, and for the most part... it's been pretty good.

Somewhere during this time I started having feelings for her... more than I wanted to. I really wanted to keep it from going in that direction... because I didn't want to get caught up in another relationship so quickly. I like my freedom now, and I do like being single. So I wasn't looking for anything serious. It just happened.

Fortunately... she is nothing like my exW. She is a very sensitive and cariing individual. She just thought my kids evidently didn't care for her or her kids, and it bothered her.

She stated that she has finally come to the conclusion that she made a mistake in pushing this relationship too fast. She said, "that she doesn't want to lose me". She wants to wait for as long as it takes, so we both can come to the realization that it's either going to work for the best, or it's not going to work at all.

Well... there it is! I couldn't break up with her after our talk... I just couldn't. Call me foolish, but my heart and mind just couldn't do it.

I prayed on it. while we were in Church I prayed on it again as well. Right at the moment... it feels like I made the right decision.

O.K., you can all let me have it... I'm listening.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey All,

I hope everyone had a good and productive weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace, Wallace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Somehow I knew that it was not a break up dinner, and you knew the same!!

Now, let's review: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After several hours of going through everything that has happened in our relationship from the beginning to where we are right now. I decided not to give up on the relationship as of yet.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It took her that long to convince you! Couldn't get the tears up sooner, huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She indicated that she said all those things to me because she was feeling insecure in our relationship and she wanted to see if in fact I would cut and run... which I was prepared to do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Soooo, whenever she's feeling insecure, you have a hoop, er I mean test to take? I don't think you were the least bit prepared to cut and run. Insecurity doesn't just go away, it has to be attacked and conquered. This I know about. Don't you see a problem with that? Insecurity is, "you're not doing what I want you to do, so how can I get you to make me feel better!"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have had differing views on this relationship, and how far and how fast to take it... and with most relationships... there are going to be bumps in the road.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has been going on since day one and yes there are bumps in the road.. They're made to slow you down! A person can usually hide their true character for at least a year. Not her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I understand you having feelings for her, and loving the attention good or bad, however; you have just shown her that you can and will be manipulated. I'm not sure if that is the message you wanted to send, too late now.

Now for the exam:

1. Why are you afraid to explore other relationships?

2. Do you feel no one else will want you?

3. Do you think the conversation regarding marriage is over? HA, HA

4. Is God leading you or are you leaning to your own understanding?

5. Do you really like being single?

6. If she is insecure now, do you think it changes on its own?

These are questions for you to ask God! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Because you're starting to sound very confused and we know where that comes from.

And, lastly, value yourself and others will see the value in you. Because she is just not getting it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

See your own byline for encouragement! LOL

Sometimes, I should just mind my own business, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi, Avondale, EC, Petvet, Mommax8 and anyone I missed.

God Bless,
relady

Hi All,

Check this out, I was stunned.

Around the time my WW started having her A's and I didn't know it. I had just started this mini-marriage study class I was teaching and it was about the love language of yourself and your spouse. I had this one couple sit in on it with us. What was so wierd back then in (2000)was my WW (didn't know it then) was challenging everything I was saying and real disruptive the entire time until I got so discourage I stopped and cancelled the class.

Well the husband called me the other day on him and his wife's 14th anniversary and he said "Thanks for helping me discover my wife and her love language, we are celebrating our 14th wedding aniversary" thanks to you, that was such a great marriage class and eye opener you taught us".

I said thanks

I was so taken back with emotion. I was so happy for them. But at the same time I was like why did your marriage succeed to greater heights and mine failed in the extreme of divorce all within one month later? Why did you and your wife run with the information and mine let it go in one ear out the other? Why did I beat myself up as such a failure when it all happened? Was this at all really about me? I know I had my faults but were my faults fixable and normal after 18 years?

Anyway - After that call, I realised had been doing some right things in my marriage than I realised. There's suceeded and mine failed, go figure?

Take Care

Wallace,
Well, Relady said most of what I would have, so I'll say "AMEN!" to her post and add a few of my own:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well... My G/F and I went to dinner Friday night, and we had a very in depth conversation about everything </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll admit that this might seem nit-picky, but if I wanted to have a long, in depth, honest conversation about something this serious, it would include tears (whether real or fake) and raised voices. Therefore, I would not be able to do it at a restaurant. In public places, one isn't honest with oneself, and is careful of emotional outbursts. So I question just how "real" y'all were with what you said. Maybe y'all were at one of your homes....?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ironically, we get along just fine. This in fact was pretty much our first problem area that we have really ran into. It wasn't until our kids kicked in that we started seeing signs of any real sort of a problem. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HELLO????!?!?! I would have said your first (and as it appears, ongoing) problem area is that of your timetable vs. hers. Don't make me look back for all the previous posts where you said "she wants to hurry us down the aisle and I don't". Those posts are too numerous and time-consuming for me to dig out, but we ALL know that they're on here!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What we decided... was to continue our relationship... with no marriage plans to be even thought of until all the kids have gone their merry way... which is going to be quite awhile. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a verbatim quote from several of your previous posts with the exception of the kids thing. You have been there, said & done that already. What makes you think that everything will be OK once the kids are gone? The kids will still be in your lives, maybe just to a lesser degree, but they'll still have to tolerate each other and y'all. Wouldn't you rather have a mate that had all the wonderful qualities you say this one does, PLUS has kids who get along with you and yours?

Then Relady said something that I think is a KEY POINT : <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand you having feelings for her, and loving the attention good or bad, however; you have just shown her that you can and will be manipulated </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is hitting the nail on the head. Women can manipulate without even trying; I think it's a genetic thing traced back to Eve in the Garden. So now she knows you are susceptible, and there is no going back now.

We still love you, Wallace. You need to prayerfully consider those questions Relady gave you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EC - It took me a while to write the above and I originally missed your post. I think your exw was already in her fog, and that's why nothing you said "got to her." I know you're glad to have something positive come from the experience of teaching the class, since your own experience was less than good. Having that couple call you up should be very affirming and show you that you have a lot going for you! Even though you quit teaching, God worked it for good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi all!

Wallace: Ouch! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The two ladies are really giving it to you. What I recommend for you is if you want to continue dating your G/F, that's find; however, please be mindful that you must think with your head and not your heart. You may want to reduce your time and resources on this lady until she proves herself. I read in a Dr. Laura book that it's best to at least date someone for four seasons to gauge their temperment and behavior. I think Relady said that anyone can hide their real self for a year,and I do agree with that statement. This lady appears to have displayed herself much earlier. Please view things through clear glasses.

EC: As Avondale said, once somebody is in the fog, they are on a single minded trail.

Avondale and Relady: DOWN! DOWN! Please don't bite anyone. The white flag is out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Later.

Hello All,

Petvet, it's o.k., I can take it, and I'm not ready to raise the white flag yet. Both relady and avondale have very good constructive points that they are both making. I wanted other points of view on this, and by golly I'm getting it.

I'm going to try to go through some of these.

As far as having the conversation at dinner in a public place. There was a reason for that... Did you ever see the movie Jerry McGuire? I didn't want a huge scene (not that I expected one) once I decided to walk... and I did in fact tell her I was all done with this relationship while we were at dinner.

The reason why our conversation took as long as it did was because I listened to every last word she had to say and sort it all out before I made my decision final. I did in fact have every intention on walking.

It in essence was like a trial, (not that I planned it that way) a court case, present the evidence and then render the final verdict. To walk or not to walk... I chose not to walk for the time being based on what was said.

relady, you brought up many valid points... but the one that really sticks out is the fact she did in fact manipulate me. I am fully aware of it, and it has not been the first time... it is in fact the last time. She was told by me that she in fact is trying to manipulate me, and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

I did take your list to bring to the Lord and I will let you know in time what answers may be given to me.

avondale... such as relady... you have brought up many valid points. I know that we have heard the old song and dance tune that she was going to back off the marriage path. The main thrust of me standing my ground... is to let everything come forth and expose itself for what it really is. I want to know all of her faults as well her know all of mine. I had every intention of waiting for at least a year before considering marriage whether she liked it or not.

If she goes down this path one more time at this stage... I am indeed walking away from it.

Keep in mind... for all intense and purposes... I'm in full agreement with all of you. I'm not in anyway saying that what you all have said is off base. In fact it's pretty much right on the money.

Yes I'm running confused over all of this... I admit that. The writing is pretty much on the wall... I'm just taking it one day at a time with no real expectations at this stage of this relationship.

Why don't I explore other relationships with other woman? None have presented themselves thus far. If and when they do... I will most likely take a look at it. I haven't closed the door on anything yet... except what use to be my marriage.

Petvet...

Hang in there my friend... I'm just clearing the way for you here... LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> j/k

EC...

I have to agree with what everyone else has stated.

The reason you couldn't save your "M", and you were able to help theirs was because they both wanted to save their "M".

One person alone cannot save a marriage unless the other spouse is willing to save it as well. Your exW had other plans... it wasn't you that failed at trying to salvage your "M". You can only do so much by yourself to save a "M".

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hey y'all,
Hope everyone is having a good week so far!

Wallace
I have one last comment (I promise). You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why don't I explore other relationships with other woman? None have presented themselves thus far. If and when they do... I will most likely take a look at it. I haven't closed the door on anything yet... except what use to be my marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you ever thought that maybe "none presented themselves thus far" because you were already so wrapped up with Ms Leather Jacket? You weren't divorced (i.e., "available") but a few days before you went out on a "real" date... That didn't leave much of an opening for another wonderful woman to come forth OR for you to see another one, since you were in the dating fog at that point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Petvet - Please remember that Wallace said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Both relady and avondale have very good constructive points that they are both making. I wanted other points of view on this, and by golly I'm getting it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should not worry or hold back anything that's going on with you either! We're here to help and can be sweet when we need to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . The fact that you're so quiet makes us wonder what you're up to. What action, if any, did you take about your son talking to his mom about your buddy?

Mx8, WGTT, EC, Relady - hope things are going well for y'all!

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi All,

avondale...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">have one last comment (I promise). You said:
quote:Why don't I explore other relationships with other woman? None have presented themselves thus far. If and when they do... I will most likely take a look at it. I haven't closed the door on anything yet... except what use to be my marriage. Have you ever thought that maybe "none presented themselves thus far" because you were already so wrapped up with Ms Leather Jacket? You weren't divorced (i.e., "available") but a few days before you went out on a "real" date... That didn't leave much of an opening for another wonderful woman to come forth OR for you to see another one, since you were in the dating fog at that point [Big Grin]
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again your right on the numbers... I didn't leave a very big window of opportunity for anyone else did I?

I believe that whatever God's will is in all of this... he will lead me in that direction... I've been praying on it. I'm not sure where it is heading, but I'm sure I will find out in due time.

I heard from the State yesterday concerning my exW's failure to pay child support. Evidently she is collecting unemployment benifits... so they are going to garnish that as well as revoke her drivers license within the next two weeks... so it's getting interesting.

I hope everyone has a good day today.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Oh no, found us on Page Two! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Not much new here, except my son has decided he wants to distance himself A LITTLE from the "extremist right-wing political cult" he's been invovled in, which is good. His beliefs haven't changed so much as his realization that as long as he's so very actively involved with them (on their payroll, living at their HQ) then he will always be lumped in with them and may be restricted in life by people who know that. So I think this is a good step in the right direction for him, but presents new challenges for me, in parenting alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I plan to probably let him live here 30 days to get a job and save enough $$ for an apt. deposit. Not sure if I should write up a contract or something... I can tell he's matured some but I don't want to be connected by association with anything he's still involved in. And of course, in that 30 days, my H may initiate a Divorce (state law here is you have to live apart 1 yr). So I'm not sure how the knowledge of son being here might affect anything in that arena. Oh well, it's in God's hands, right?

Hope you all have a great weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Avondale,

Just want to drop a thought of encouragement. Eventhough you may be alone soon, it won't be all that bad, in fact you'll get a better chance to discover yourself and become stronger.

Dispite if your WH files for DV remember this about the life of a wayward spouse "THERE IS NO FAITHFULNESS IN THERE WORDS!". I don't care how you slice it or what they say or do, you cannot believe a thing they say because it's all a lie, that's why the relationship they're in is all a lie. While it may appear to seem they're happy and moving on, remember they are only moving backwards in life obtaining a lifetime wound unless God removes it.

If he files, you have to handle your papers as if you're dealing with a thief. I messed up by thinking how she used to be and I had always trusted her, however they have no intrested in you because they are self-centered and full of lies. They do not have an ounce of truth in there mouth, they are the manifestation what a lie looks like.

Remember this, whom the WS ran to is a very dysfuntional person themselves, 2 people that lie does not produce ANY truth and as always, they'll have to tell people how they met and how they came together and there will always be shame.

PS 5:

9 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.

Take Care

Hi all,

I know I haven't written in some time just wanted to give you an update of where I am at today. Well lets see where did I leave off. I believe it was stbxh coming into town again for visit, he came in the past weekemd and he actually stayed at the house and it was the land of no reality for 2 days and he leaves again. I am an emotional wreck that is ready to just give up. And then I was offered to go on a trip all expenses paid for a week to the virgin islands, and had to cancel my reservation last minute because stbxh found out and went ballistic. This trip was given too me because someone noticed I needed a break and felt I deserved it. It was then turned into how I would just forget my responsibilities and leave my children and so on and so on and so on. Why do I allow him to continue to manipulate my every move. I was really thinking we were moving towards some type of reconciliation but he hasn't changed a bit, he stopped drinking he stopped taking the drugs, he is going to therapy, but he has made no attempt to help me out whatsoever. I am getting ready to lose my house, the renters for my other house have not paid this month, I can't afford to pay the mortgage on my new house without that money and I have daycare cost to pay as well as all of our mutual bills that he received over $669 a month unearned money and he sends me $161 per month and pays none of the bills. the papers state he is to pay me at least half and he sends what he wants. I am drowning and he is driving over my head with a boat.

He tells me he just doesn't understand what I am so upset about he thought we were trying to reconcile and plan the vacation together to the beach of course that would be me paying for 99% he would just show up at the camp site and squat for the entire time and because the kids would bawl and cry if I make him leave. I just have to endure the pain over and over again and I just can't handle it. He calls me every night telling me how much he loves me, how much he wants to be part of my life. He is angry that I don't where my wedding band any longer, well why would I he left me and we filed for divorce. He says I am still his wife, but he choses not to be my husband.

What is wrong with this man??? Can't he see that he is pulling the life blood out of me.

Please give me the encouragement to really just say no more and stick to it this time because I just can't take this anymore, I just can't.

Mx8 - I'll tell you, I am not surprised at all by your post. Your husband is a "user". By allowing him to use you, you become an "enabler". You are both co-dependant (I know you knew that already) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to make a plan and stick with it. Aren't you in Plan B? I know it's hard, these first months are hard for everyone, and it's worse on you because of the kids. Stand strong, and don't give in. Maybe you should adopt your father's attitude and be tougher!

You have every right to go on a trip, but at this point in your relationship (not divorced, things in limbo) he certainly can say you're being irresponsible. And he seems irrational, so I would worry what he might do around the kids while you were gone. Try to hold out w/o a trip away from them a little while longer.

If you allow him to accompany you on the family trip to the beach, you are asking for trouble. What are your options there? Can you alter your plans, change the dates, locations, whatever, and keep him from finding out?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is wrong with this man??? Can't he see that he is pulling the life blood out of me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, he can't see, and he doesn't care either. I know that sounds harsh, but as long as you are receiving his phone calls, and interacting with him in any way other than what is ABSOLUTELY necessary, he will continue this behavior. That's NOT Plan B.

Don't allow yourself to be used this way. It is great that he has stopped using drugs and is going to therapy. But did you specifically tell him what financial help you needed? If so, and he hasn't fulfilled your mutual agreement and really doesn't care about you (right now). You will have to go to court to have him forced to help you financially. Have you thought about doing that yet? If not, why?

Have you seen a lawyer yet? They can make sure child support papers are drawn up NOW. They can help you with the mortgage situation too (buy you some more time). I think that fact alone would bring you some relief and help with the stress.

Do you have a computer at home yet? Can you post over the weekend? Hang in there!

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi all!

Mommax8: Sweetheart, I'll have to agree with Avondale. You must develop a plan and stick with it. You have been told this several times. You are cutting your own throat. You may want to get a court order for him to stay away from you and have the court to implement supervised visits for him and the kids.You are just going in circles.

Avondale: No, I'm not hiding anything. As I told you guys two weeks ago, buddy and I had our moment recently where we had to reconfirm where we were in this relationship. We worked things out. As a matter of fact, things are going well, but I know the dark cloud is coming. She has been in Europe for the past week and a half(England and France( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )). I even checked out horoscopes to see how things match, and they compliment eachother if you want to follow the stars. Well looking at the stars, I checked my ex and my horoscopes. Guest what? No match. But of course much more is involve than just the stars. It can work if both work parties work at it.

Wallace: Thanks for paving the way for me. I think your glasses are clear now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And I'm Gone.

Avondale- thank you so much for the kick in the butt...i really needed it because he has just got me going in circles. I have really tried to plan B but low and behold I get sucked right back into it again. As far as the trip is concerned, there is nothing he can say as far as the court is concerned because it is a work thing and I already filed divorce and he just got back from a trip to Myrtle Beach. I have been re-invited for Friday all expense paid to the Bahama's AM I NUTS TO NOT GO??? Anyway , I am taking your advice I am sticking to my guns. I am drowning here financially and my stbxh is doing nothing to help. He has been out of the house since Mar 3 and has yet to get a job. He has no bills and gets $660 per month from the state and he has nothing to pay for....What is wrong with this picture. I am finally in the angry stage instead of the whoa is me stage. As far as the plans for the vacation, I can't change the date because I had already made the arrangements and it is paid for way in advance or I wouldn't go at all. I will however spend my time at the ocean just me and the kids, and he can spend the time with them but leave me alone. I spoke to him yesterday morning and I told him he needed to leave me alone. He ended the conversation crying saying I have really lost you I really blew it this time, and I said, I gave you pretty simple requests and though you are working on them their is one fundamental problem......you are still not paying your debts or taking care of the kids financially which in turn is causing me to hate you more and more each day because the children are the ones that are suffering.

Thank you so much for the support, and by the way I have computer usage on the weekends I use my Dad's but I am working on one for me too.

Hey all,

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I think I have now used up all my free time, and need more hours in a day. Until I get used to reading chapters with 35 pages each! (ugh) I won't post as much as I used to. I'm also checking everywhere for scholarships. Less for me to pay!

Petvet

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a matter of fact, things are going well, but I know the dark cloud is coming. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you continue to look for the dark cloud, you will certainly find it if you continue to read the 'horoscopes'!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Mommax8

Listen to Avondale, I agree with her advice totally. There is nothing more that he can say to you. And don't fall for the tears!! That is a last attempt at manipulation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as the plans for the vacation, I can't change the date because I had already made the arrangements and it is paid for way in advance or I wouldn't go at all. I will however spend my time at the ocean just me and the kids, and he can spend the time with them but leave me alone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is he going with you?

Avondale, Wallace and all

Hope all is well.

God Bless
relady