Hi All,

I hope everyone had a good weekend. For me they go by so fast. There is never enough time to get in, everything you want to do.

avondale...

I took your statement about meeting for Valentine's Day literally. Only because of the Graemlin at the end. Hopefully you don't meet on that day to discuss that type of a situation.

Do you have an attorney? The reason why I ask, is because I know numerous people who walked into things like property division etc, with the best of intentions to have a fair and equitable split, and when it was all said and done with... they had nothing but problems on their hands.

IMHO, I wouldn't discuss anything along those lines with him without an attorney representing you... and there is still no guarantees even then.

Thanks for the heads up on Valentines day. Your right... every year you have to top the year before. I'll keep it simple still.... dinner and flowers.

EC...

I can understand your YD doing what she did. It's too bad she didn't call you up and discuss it with you first though.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi all!

Avondale: I surely hope that your meeting is not around Valentine's. At the meeting, I would not agree to anything including property or anything else without consulting with your attorney. I would just listen. The reason why I say that is your H may tape your conversation without you knowing it and try to use it against you. Based on what he says, then you can discuss things with your attorney. DO NOT GIVE HIM A CHEAP WAY OUT. If he wants out, he has to pay the piper.

EC: Your YD may have made a good decision. Certainly, staying around her mom is not setting a good example for her. As a father, I know you are concern about the unknown. If she wants to go in the medical field, make sure that the recruiters don't try to direct her into a area that she cannot develop a career after she leaves the military. Try to help her out.

Wallace: Yeah! You may want to keep Valentine's simple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Stay away from the jewelry stores with her.

Me: Yes, buddy and i have discuss the M word, but I am not going there anytime soon.I am trying to make up for lost time. I don't need anyone tripping me up or getting in my way at this point. After it's all said and done, I may just go it alone with my kid. I don't believe in being a perpetual boyfriend with someone for 5...10..15...20 years like some folks do. I am either going to marry her at some point, or I am going to cut her loose. Besides, I just started completing my annulment papers yesterday, so M is certainly on the back burner. Before, I get married again, I want to be content where I am by myself.

And I'm gone.

I got an email last night from my H. It appears the meeting he wanted wasn't (necessarily) to work out details of a divorce. Basically he is saying the reason he wants to get together is to "possibly renegotiate" the household support that he gives me. Says the recession has hit him hard, he hasn't had anywhere near the playing gigs he had been having when he left almost 2 yrs ago. Thing is, I know all this is true - he's not playing as much, and has (for whatever reason) distanced himself from some of the bands/groups that did regular gigs like receptions, parties, etc. and is pursuing a style of music that isn't in demand.

I'm not sure what to do...I know technically I could be mean and say "no". It would seem that once it's decreased, that may play a factor upon divorce settlement too (not to my favor). And the thing is, I don't know how to say what I really want to say, which is "You make lifestyle choices (quitting bands because you want to pursue OTHER music styles //calling OW long distance // flying to visit OW, etc) and I shouldn't be the one to pay the price". But that seems so mean...It isn't all about money here, for me. So I'm inclined to say "decrease it a little" because I know I'm getting a very good amount considering I have no kids at home. Any thoughts? Keep in mind, I'm not out to skewer him, I want to show a LITTLE mercy, and this may be an opportunity for us to have some positive interaction.

Hi All,

Not much new on my end for the moment... which is a good thing!

avondale...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"You make lifestyle choices (quitting bands because you want to pursue OTHER music styles //calling OW long distance // flying to visit OW, etc) and I shouldn't be the one to pay the price". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to agree with that exact statement. On the other hand, I understand your feelings about not wanting to skewer him.

I think you need to make an evaluation on what you can or cannot afford to live on, and make your decision based on that.

I have to take off... I am at work and I have a busy day going.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hi all!

Avondale: I would talk to an attorney first before agreeing on anything. Where is all this headed? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Later.

Just getting rid of a double post

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hi All,

Got plenty to do this weekeend. Finalize the CS issue's and submit them to the Family Support Registry so they can forward it to the Courts I assume... plus a bunch more.

I'm on the down hill slide at work now, and I'm going to try to enjoy my weekend.

avondale...

I know you don't want to stir the pot up... but I wouldn't discuss anything about property division, etc., without your attorney present. It's bad business.

Petvet brought up a good point. Where is this headed in your opinion? You've been in the thick of things for quite awhile, and it just seems to have stagnated to the point where nothing good is coming out of it, and it doesn't seem to be escalating at this point to head into a full blown "D".

What's your opinion on this?

Hope everyone has a very good weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi all!

Just checking in. Trying to make plans for Valentine's.

Wallace: Keep plugging ahead with the CS issue and don't stress yourself out.

Later.

Wallace - In response to your question, I’m not sure where this thing is headed. All I know is that I will not be responsible for initiating divorce (at this point in time). I will not rule it out in the future, but right now I have that “peace that passes all understanding” to stay in limbo. However, I will also not be taken advantage of during this time, either. So I’m staying alert on all fronts.

Hubby called and we will get together to talk about “the future” next Monday afternoon. My lawyer has indicated that the support I’m getting is more than fair so I will probably elect to decrease it - in order to continue my health insurance coverage that I need because of the previous cancer diagnosis. I do have some “wiggle room” financially, without going into my personal savings too much. And I feel that this is the right thing to do ethically & morally. I’m just going to listen to what he says, and then think about it before I take any action. I’ll keep y’all posted as to what happens.

Petvet - What are your Valentine’s plans?? Come on, spill the beans!

EC - What’s new with you? Are you still in school?

Hi All,

My weekend was not a very good one. It seems that my G/F's oldest son who moved back in with her are not getting along very well. Unforunately, her OS, does things the way he wants to do them with no regard to anyone else living in her house. He's been working her pretty good from what I've heard... and it's starting to really upset her. I am trying to stay out of it, but I think she wants me to get involved, which at this stage I don't feel it's the wise thing to do... so she was upset with me this whole weekend. Anyway... I'm sitting back and observing at this point.

Do you think I should get involved in their family disagreements, or should I just let them work themselves out between the two of them. At this point she hasn't asked me to step in... but I can tell she is disappointed that I haven't stepped in and said something to him. She see's how my kids are at home, and she wants the same type of atmosphere that I have at my house in hers.

What do you think I should do?

Petvet...

Have you decided what your going to do for Valentine's day? Don't keep it a secret... let us know what the secret is... LOL.

I submitted my CS papers to the Courts... so all I can do at this point is wait. Time is on my side, concerning this issue. Hopefully I won't have to go to Court... but I don't see myself getting off that easy. It would sure be nice though, I really don't want to see my exW.

avondale...

I think your taking the right approach concerning your upcoming meeting with your "H". You are doing the right thing, and you always have concerning all that has transpired. Keep doing what your doing... and put the rest in God's hands, and let Him continue to lead you through this.

EC...

Anymore news on your YD, and her joining the Marines?

Hope everyone has a good day today, and a better day tomorrow.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,
My personal opinion is that you should STAY OUT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> of your g/f business with her son. I think it is unrealistic for her to expect you to exert any authority over him at all, now or even in the future. He's old enough to live on his own, and to be honest, even his natural father would not have a lot of influence over him. I think your g/f is just at such a loss as to how to handle him, she's not thinking realistically (hmmm...familiar, huh?). She will continue to get upset, just as she does when making imminent wedding plans and you're not in agreement with that. (I’m not saying that to put her down, because we all know she’s wonderful cuz she’s picked you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but just to point out that it’s not the most realistic approach.)

Is there another relative of his like a grandparent, uncle, etc. who might reach him? I'm sure there are issues that he has, divorced parents notwithstanding, that will make it difficult to talk any sense in him at this point. She could always do the Tough Love thing on him and see how that works <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But based on my own experience, it may be something he has to learn on his own. She can choose to put up with it, or not. That’s where the Tough Love comes in.

I'm no expert on stepchildren (or pre-stepchildren, LOL) but my gut feeling is that when the kids are almost adults there is no reason they should be expected to think of the "new" parent with a lot of authority. Respect, definitely...but not authority like they would with their own parent. You know how the role of parents evolve as the kids get older; that's what I mean.

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thanks for your opinion on this one avondale.

I was thinking the same thing as what you posted. I just wanted to see if I was the only one thinking the same way... LOL

Here is the real hitch, and I'm not sure if it's going to present itself as a problem down the road or not. We talked about when we get married... purchasing a house that is big enough to accomodate all the kids that are currently living with us now. She knows that I'm watching very carefully what is transpiring, and she also knows I'm not real keen on the way he OS has been acting. In fact I told her... if he continues the way he has been going... I don't want him moving in with us to our new home. I wouldn't let my kids get away with what he is doing and the way he is acting, and I see nothing but problems coming from it, unless he straightens his act out. I'm even willing to put our marriage plans on hold, until she gets a handle on it (which she doesn't want to do).

Well I hope you and everyone else has a good day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi y'all
Just an update here...hubby emailed over weekend, and he and I are getting together at his request to talk about "the future" tomorrow (Tuesday) evening. I can't believe that I agreed to dinner at a local restaurant, but at the time it seemed preferable to having him here in the house.

After looking at financial records, it is obvious that household support from him needs to be decreased somewhat. (He has been overpaying by accident <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) But I also want to ask him about what his plans are and need to figure out how to do that without introducing "divorce" at this time.

Please keep me in your thoughts/prayers Tuesday, 5:30-8:00 pm, E.S.T. I really want a good presence of mind when we talk. Thanks guys!

Hi All,

avondale...

Good idea having your meeting with your "H" in a public place.

You should dress to the "Nines", and definitely have your mind focused during the meeting.

Say a good long prayer... and go into your meeting with confidence and self worth just beaming all over the place.

My prayers will be with you... good luck and may God Bless.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi all!

Avondale: As I said before, do what you think is best for your situation and comfort zone. You seem to have things under control.

Wallace: Yes, I would recommend just staying on the sidelines observing. You may give an opinion on the G/F OS issue, but I would not get involve handson. You have no power in with stepkids unless they let you. Besides, you guys are not married yet. If I were you, I would surely be taking notes because if you get married and allow the loss cannon to move into a house with the rest of you without resolving his issues, you are talking TROUBLE. I am quite sure you don't need anymore drama in your life. I would see how things play out. Also, look at your G/F to see how see handles things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Me: I plan a VERY romantic evening with the buddy. Dinner, wine, flowers etc. Off the charts type of things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi all!

Avondale: Oh, I forgot that you meeting is this evening. Sweetheart, you should dress to kill! You should convay the attitude that you are doing just fine thank you. In a figure of speech, dress so good that he wants to "jump your bones". Let him think that he is missing something. I'm not trying to talk too dirty, but you get my message. I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Good Luck! Don't choke up and keep your head up and look him in the eyes.

Later.

Meeting report:
Things went well because:
1) I looked great (IMHO) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
2) I didn't cry
3) I covered all topics I had on my list
4) I was able to say "I want our marriage to be restored."
5) I didn't choke on or spill any food
6) I was also able to say "You know my heart well enough to realize I would never file for divorce"
7) I was able to make a point about several financial matters, which at least should be considered during division of property
8) Hubby appears to be (and has never given me impression of the opposite) trying to not "hang me" financially
9) He understands about my health insurance concerns
10) I was able to look him in the eye and have confidence

Bad points about meeting :
1) He definitely wants to divorce within 6-9 months
2) He swears he did not leave me for OW but confirms their relationship is physical
3) I did tear up (but they didn't spill over) when talking about health insurance situation

Unusual things
1) He has considered bankruptcy
2) He went to doctor last week for racing pulse/heart. May have been anxiety attack
3) I could tell he was kind of nervous, and I wasn't
4) His TIAA-CREF is worth a heckuva lot more than I realized
5) He is ABD (All But Dissertation) so has very little left to do in order to complete his PhD.
6) He wants to meet monthly to work out the divorce plan (is this unusual?)

Petvet , thanks for the advice, I was already there but had done what you suggested, appearance-wise.
Wallace , thanks for the prayers! I know that I have not lost the "peace that passes all understanding" which has been with me since the onset of my situation.

<small>[ February 11, 2004, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi All,

avondale...

Well you made it through your meeting... and that's a good thing. I'll give you my 2 cents worth on it.

I'm going to go off your meeting report and add my comments to it if you don't mind

Meeting report:
Things went well because:
1) I looked great (IMHO)- I'll bet you looked like a million bucks... good for you!
2) I didn't cry - That's a good sign... it shows him that you didn't come to the dinner meeting and act needy. You may have surprised him with that one.
3) I covered all topics I had on my list - Good! So he knows what is and isn't expected I assume?
4) I was able to say "I want our marriage to be restored." - What did he think of that statement? Did he have any comment to you after you stated that?
5) I didn't choke on or spill any food - LOL... That's very good news... I couldn't think of a most inopportune time to have something like that happen.
6) I was also able to say "You know my heart well enough to realize I would never file for divorce" - did he ask you why you hadn't file for "D"?
7) I was able to make a point about several financial matters, which at least should be considered during division of property - I would stick with those points and let your attorney haggle through the rest of it.
8) Hubby appears to be (and has never given me impression of the opposite) trying to not "hang me" financially - That's good to hear... many try to do just that... so that's a plus.
9) He understands about my health insurance concerns - That's a plus... is he going to continue your coverage.
10) I was able to look him in the eye and have confidence - What did he think of that?

Bad points about meeting :
1) He definitely wants to divorce within 6-9 months - Did he give you a reason why?
2) He swears he did not leave me for OW but confirms their relationship is physical - What reason did he give... if any?
3) I did tear up (but they didn't spill over) when talking about health insurance situation - It's to be expected... condsidering everything that you have been going through... I wouldn't let that concern you.

Unusual things
1) He has considered bankruptcy - Be very careful with this one. Make sure you cover your bases on this one. If you don't you could end up paying on things that you never even dreamed existed. If he files Bankruptcy, make sure your Attorney protects you on this. In fact you should be gearing up for the financial aspect of all of this as I write this.
2) He went to doctor last week for racing pulse/heart. May have been anxiety attack - I wonder why? After all... he has made quite a few life changes, as well as decisions. Did he say when all this started?
3) I could tell he was kind of nervous, and I wasn't - I would be nervous as well... if I did what he is doing. Good for you avondale... I'm glad you were able to maintain throughout all of this.
4) His TIAA-CREF is worth a heckuva lot more than I realized - If it's a Community property State... the you could be enitiled to half of it.
5) He is ABD (All But Dissertation) so has very little left to do in order to complete his PhD. - So I assume he is still going to school to finish?
6) He wants to meet monthly to work out the divorce plan (is this unusual?)- I would let your Attorney do all the communicating concerning that matter. It's not unusual to do... but sometimes it can be an unwise and unfair thing to do. I have seen a number of people try to save money by going through most of it, and coming up with what they felt was a fair settlement, and then find that they left a number of things out. Sometimes these ommissions can come back and bite you. Let your attorney handle it... that's why they get paid the big money... to make sure their Client gets the best deal they can.

avondale... I'm sorry to hear that your "H", in fact does want to get a "D". It didn't come as an unexpected surprise to me, and I'm sure you were not surprised either.

Start gearing up... and make sure you make decisions that are in your best interest. Time to start thinking about you... and the direction you want your life to take at this point... just in case he in fact does want to follow through with the "D".

I said prayers for you during those times, and I will continue.

When one door closes... another one opens up. God is with you, and he knows your pain. He will be there to comfort you during this time.

Keep your chin up, and your head held high. You will make it through this... and when it's all said and done with... no matter what direction it takes... you will be that much stronger.

You are in my prayers avondale.

Petvet...

I think you and I are doing almost the same thing for Valentine's Day... LOL! Maybe some of your magic will rub off on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Concerning my G/F, and her OS. I have not gotten involved in their little tiff whatsoever. I am however taking notes.

It's snowing and cold here, and I need a warm place to hang out at until Spring! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope your day is going well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ February 11, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Wallace ,
Thank you so much for your kind comments and insight! Hubby didn’t really have a comeback after I said the things about “restoring our marriage”. I only stated that "I wouldn’t be the one to file for divorce" to re-establish that I took the vows we made before God seriously, and any action to dissolve the marriage would have to come from him. He’s going to check w/HR where he works to see what the insurance situation is. He wasn’t able to really look me in the eye - obviously because he knows what he’s done is WRONG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

His timeline of 6-9 months is based on the fact that it will take that long to work out the financial issues, etc. This timeline is fine with me. I won’t have to make any snap decisions. I don’t think he WILL file for backruptcy, but he said he looked into it (he has too many investments to be allowed to do that, they far outweigh his debts). He is very willing planning on giving me half of the assets he acquired while we were married.

I still like the fact we’ll meet several more times to go over points about the house, property, assets, etc. It allows me time to think about what’s going on and not feel cornered into giving a response immediately. I will DEFINITELY have my lawyer look things over before I agree, verbally or written, on anything. She has all the info from our very first meeting.

Now my next big decision will be “sell the house together, OR for me to buy out his share, OR buy his share and then sell at some future point”. I’ll have to draw up a list of pluses and minuses to help me decide, along with some wisdom of CPAs and a few others.

Petvet - I hope you have an “Off the charts type” of Valentine’s Day with your “buddy”. Has she given you any hints about a ring? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How did y’all meet, anyway?

EC - Where are you? I have missed your posts lately. Busy with school? Any Valentine’s Day plans? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You guys have enough fun for me on Valentine’s Day, since I’ll be by myself...again, LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi all,


Wallace - Looks like you're causing a blaze in the snow with all those gifts for your GF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm sure if you keep that up you'll bring summer in fast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> YD is set to go to Marines. I told her to inform me before she signs anymore papers because as always they promise you the world at the beginning but the new solders don't realize they belong to uncle sam for 4 years, yet its not a bad thing, I just don't want her to go straight from boot camp to Iraq.

Avondale - Nothing new is happening. I'm not going to school this semester, I think I'll go this fall. As far as valentines day, I'm going to just hang out somewhere and have fun by myself. I like how you handled yourself with your hubby. Sounds like he's really confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> One thing I can tell you is that he is now in a stage when reality sets in and the OW has revealed herself by now, he sees himself, full of shame. He may have appeared to have it altogether but he's just like all other Ws's, his world is crashing down around him. Eventhough he may be considering bankruptcy, I'm sure thats a big blow to OW, because thats not attractive at all, and it's something he may be hiding from her.

As Wallace said protect yourself if he files. I know you are looking for a restore, but don't put your life on hold and set and do nothing. It's not going to happen according to your plan. You don't need all the debt to collapse on you and he walks away free just because you want to be nice to him. It's sad but you have to treat them as a thief. That's where I failed at and was stolen from several times because I left myself open, thinking in that trust mentality that we were still married. Letting go and moving on is not giving up, its preparing yourself for better days ahead. Don't get stuck behind where the Ws is at, because they're lost and wandering....


Take Care.........