Thank you Avondale,

It's a long story but I'll try to give you the condensed version. My husband and I have been married almost 16 years. Five years ago my world fell apart when my husband finally admitted to being in love with another woman. It hasn't been the same since. That affair was a rollercoaster ride from hell. It was over, then on again, then over and on and on it went. He moved out for eight months but eventually came home. Unfortunately, his heart didn't return home for a very long time. Two and a half years ago he entered his second affair. This one was supposedly "only" an emotional one. He moved out for a couple of months then returned home once again. Needless to say, trust has been a HUGE issue for us.

For many years I've longed to have an intimate, loving relationship with my husband. I desparately wanted to stay married and fought long and hard to remain together. By some miracle of God, we are together today. BUT, the marriage is still in need of God's touch. There are many problems.

My husband left his faith when he met OW#1. He has yet to return to God. He is a much prayed for man. I believe the core of our problems is a spiritual one. We use to have our faith as the foundation of our marriage. Without that, it is extremely difficult to rebuild. It is so challenging to rebuild trust and to forge a true bond when your hearts are in such different places.

At this point, I do not feel my husband loves me. I feel he is here more as a matter of convenience. He loves his girls and wants to have a family. But I'm afraid he also wants his freedom. He claims he is being faithful but only God knows if this is true. He met both other women in his travels. He owns his own business and he still travels.

So, all in all, we're together but not really. I continue to hope and pray for a miracle.

I will pray that for your situation too. I've read a good amount about your situation but need to catch up on the most recent news. It sounds as if your husband is moving in the direction of a divorce. Has he already filed? Even if this is the case, there is always hope for reconcilliation. I've heard some wonderful stories and still do believe in a miracle-working God.

You seem to be such a strong lady, very steadfast in your faith. I know God will honor that. It might not always be as quickly or in the way we would like. But, I believe He honors those who seek to be faithful to Him. God bless you Avondale.Thanks again for writing. Keep looking up!

Hi Gang!

Happy Friday!!

Leah - Welcome to the thread. You are never intruding feel free to post. I'm glad you have joined us. While our subjects may change from time to time its still a great thread started by Petvet. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and I feel your focus is right that you realize your WS has a spiritual problem with the infidelity.

Usually at the core of most affairs you find the WS has a "Deep Root Of Bitterness Against You and Them". This bitterness gets so bad it causes spiritual blindness in them..They lose all reality. Then with along with all the bitterness you find the 'Love' of money, but you find they can't ever keep money, it blows in the wind.....Take away a WS's money and all the foolishness stops...They have no power..

Anyway just keep working on you while you're in the same house. God can turn a hard heart of a WS into a soft one in time. This is not about how bad you are as they make you feel, but this is about you moving into what God has purposed for you in life. Keep posting

Petvet - Glad to see you moving along. I agree that having someone by your side sometimes can help depending on how far divorce is behind you. We all wish our marriages could have worked.

Wallace - I see 2005 is coming in with a bang. I guess we all need to learn from you.

Avondale - How are things with you these days? Are you staying strong through the storm? One day it will all pass.Stay encouraged...

Me: Not much new. Just waiting for summer to hit. I will be done with CS finally. YD graduates in May and I get go see her and OD, and unfortunately OM, but I think I'm ready now.

YD told me exww lost her job a few weeks ago due to layoffs, so she gets some time now to ponder where she's going....YD told exww and OM went to see the Passion of Christ movie and OM started going to church weekly afterwards. YD said exww wouldn't go to church with OM, so OM went by himself....Now YD told me OM is trying to move back where he came from and is leaving exww.

This is kinda funny because this guy is thugish <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> from what I'm told. The very thing exww ran away from, has come back to her (a Christian Man). One of her main issues with me as she said bodly in front of our counsler was " she didn't want no christian husband" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , so she went out and got her a thug, a sugardaddy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...Now she's right back where she started with God on this issue with OM, he's going to church, and she's left to find her way again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ....


Take Care

Thanks EC,

I appreciate the welcome and the encouraging words. I agree with your assessment re: bitterness and the other problem being the love of money. My husband has been very successful in his business but it has led him down the wrong path. With money and success comes power and opportunity. Unfortunately, he hasn't always made the wisest choices with those opportunities.

Right now he is home sick. He's been in the hospital and is now recupperating(sp?)at home.
I'm praying God would use his illness to get his attention and draw him back to Himself. I'm also praying for strength and patience as I deal with a very angry, frustrated man.

Very interesting news with the OM. Wow, that is certainly an ironic turn of events. Could it be the beginning of ew getting things right in her life? Wouldn't that be something! I hope your visit with your daughters go well. I have daughters and I know how important the father-daughter relationship is. Those girls need you in their lives.

Take care everyone and hope you all have a great weekend!

Hi All,

This has been a very busy week for me with work and taxes... but I'm getting through it.

Leah...

Welcome to the "Tough Love thread!

Don't feel as though you are intruding, as everyone is always welcome to lurk and post on this thread whenever they would like to.

I read about your situation and your assesment of the state of your "M".

Money and power does open up many situations for any given person. It's how they conduct themselves and handle themselves that makes a person happy. Money alone does not make the man, and in many cases it leads to their utter downfall.

Hopefully, while your "H" is recuperating... you can use this time to try to reestablish the intimacy in your "M", that appears to have dwindled.

This is a great time to put on the best Plan A. you can. Maybe it will take away his bitterness, and frustration.

I have experienced what your going through... and it's not a pretty site. I couldn't overcome my situation... that was due to the fact, that I had slipped in my faith and so did my exW. Had we not slipped, and kept the Lord as the center of our life , maybe things might have turned out different.

Glad to see you posting... keep us all informed, as your progress through these days.

EC...

After reading your post... which was right on the numbers by the way, as far as what you posted. I had to say to myself... "how ironic"!

The Lord works in mysterious ways... but to see this OM do this type of a turnabout is truly quite amazing.

I went and saw "The passion of the Christ", and IMHO it was quite a moving experience. I know of a number of people that have done a complete turnaround and have started attending Church again, after viewing this movie. I'm glad Mel Gibson made this movie... if it helps bring people back to the Lord... then IMO, it's a good thing.

Are you nervous about seeing your daughters? I recall the graduation you went to for your OD If my mind serves me correctly (and sometimes I wonder about that), you had quite an experience.

Soooooo... now that the OM seems to be heading in the direction of Christ... what do you think your exW's next move will be?

avondale and Petvet...

How are you both making out?

Anything news or any new developments avondale with your "H"?

Well I hope everyone has a great day and a great weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

EC - I know you’re glad about your CS ending. You should go out and celebrate, do something for you with the money you will now have in your own pocket! Have you thought of a graduation gift for your daughter? How is the oldest daughter doing? At different times, both had talked about staying with you...any more developments like that?

As for OM now going to church, that is happening a lot as a result of that movie. I haven’t seen it yet, and I’m not sure if I can, to be honest. As you, I already know and appreciate the sacrifice Jesus made for me and to watch my Friend suffer like that would probably send me over the edge. I don’t do well with intense movies of any type, anyway.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Leah said:
My husband left his faith when he met OW#1. He has yet to return to God. He is a much prayed for man. I believe the core of our problems is a spiritual one. We use to have our faith as the foundation of our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, I think it’s accurate to say that “the core of every marriage problem is probably a spiritual one” if for no other reason than the fact that the Enemy hates marriage, and God hates divorce, and there is a war because of it. However, some “attacks” are more blatant and deeper, simply because the parties involved already had a strong spiritual foundation to begin with. Ooops, I’m starting to preach, LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That is exactly the scenario for our marriage, and where things stand with my H, except he moved out almost two years ago. I think there is a lot more hope when you’re still in the same house as you are, Leah. But I haven’t given up hope yet. And the Lord has given me regular reassurances that He is with me, no matter what happens. For that I am grateful.

Hello All

Hope you have all been enjoying a good weekend.

Wallace,

Thank you for your welcome. Yes, I am hoping and praying that God would use my husband's illness for good in all of our lives. That would be so exciting if it could actually lead to some positive change.

I had to smile when I read your "Plan A" advice. I feel like I've been "plan A-ing" forever. It has been five years since the big affair and I've tried to extend grace and mercy for a long time. According to most of my family and friends, for too long. Hence, my attraction to this thread on tough love. But at this point in time, plan A is what is on the plate for as long as God gives me the grace to do so.

Avondale,

I admire your strong stand for your marriage. How I pray that God will do a miracle for you both!!
I agree with you that all our marriages suffer from spiritual problems. We are all too human and we sin. But, it's great to know God is bigger than all our problems and struggles.

I'm not always sure it's easier to work on M when husband is at home. Because of the many hurtful and destructive things that have taken place and continue to take place, it's very difficult to have trust or respect. Trying to build a relationship without these needed ingredients is very difficult.

There are times I've wondered if we were living apart, if it would foster an appreciation for what he would hopefully be missing. It seems right now he has his cake and is eating it too. But I have to commit this whole thing to God and trust him with the results.

Keep the faith and hope. My cousin left his wife for two and a half years before finally getting his life right. They are now very happily married and living for God together. Their story is such an encouragement to me!!! One never knows what God may have in our future. Take care.

Leah
Thank you for your encouragement and kind words. You're right, you've been standing a long time! Five years in Plan A would kill most women, LOL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Leah said:
I'm not always sure it's easier to work on M when husband is at home. Because of the many hurtful and destructive things that have taken place and continue to take place, it's very difficult to have trust or respect. Trying to build a relationship without these needed ingredients is very difficult.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see what you mean. I guess there are positive and negative points for both stances. What I meant was when you're together, at least you can feel like it's WORTH doing Plan A, even if just for your own peace of mind. The WS may or may not notice, depending on their fog level.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Leah said: There are times I've wondered if we were living apart, if it would foster an appreciation for what he would hopefully be missing. It seems right now he has his cake and is eating it too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what? I think until the WS comes to a heart-felt realization of what they did, and repent, they're always going to be cake-eaters of some sort, whether they live at home or not. My H is able to have a whole separate life from me but still feels justified because he's "doing the right thing" by paying me support and also because he has yet to file for D. When he first left, he admitted to me he was depressed (he's predisposed to this already) and it was a struggle for him. But the OW was there to fill in his empty spaces (not God). I'm not stopping him from being in contact with her, and I haven't hindered anything he's done professionally or personally. So the shock value of leaving affects people differently.

Perhaps Wallace could comment more, as he tried several times for recovery with his EXW.

BTW, your story about your cousin was timely. I needed that "shot in the arm" type of encouragement.

Petvet - how's tax season treating you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well, off to work.

Hi Avondale,

I agree that there are both positives and negatives to each situation, living together or apart. I guess we both have to find the good in where we are and just trust the results to God either way. Thanks for sharing your perspective in regard to the way your husband handles your separation. It was good for me to read that because I can see my husband potentially responding the same way.

If I were you, I would hold on to the idea that respect is hopefully being maintained and that your love is not further being challenged by dealing with ongoing issues each day. My cousin saw little, if any, of his wife while they were separated. So, indeed there is always hope in God.

I'm sure either way, you will be okay. You seem to be a very strong lady with so much to offer. I wish for you much peace and joy in your future.

You are right about being able to be at peace about knowing I have tried, even if husband doesn't always reciprocate. I think the same for you. You have done all you can do to preserve the marriage. The choice is clearly in your husband's hands. I feel this way I can look back without guilt, no matter what ends up happening. It might still end by either of us but I will be able to accept it better knowing I gave it my all.

HI TO EC, WALLACE, and PETVET,
I hope you all are doing well. Take care.
God bless.

Hi All,

Leah...

When my marriage was falling apart and after numerous recoveries... I was in Plan A. (and not realizing it at the time until I found the MBers site).

I kept Plan A. up for a very long time, until I decided to just give up and throw in the towel, and let the chips fall where they did. Had I had the Lord as my focus at that point in time, I might have been able to salvage my "M".

I was worn down though, both mentally, and financially, and I just couldn't keep going on with the way things were going. They didn't get better for me or my family... they got worse. So instead on relying on the Lord... I took matters into my own hands, and just started shutting down, and not caring anymore what direction my marriage would take. Had I saw some positive results in my Plan A. take effect and hold... I would of continued.

In regards to seperating and or moving from the household. I think it's a very bad idea, unless their is some sort of abuse going on. I don't buy in on the fact that abscence makes the heart grow fonder. In fact if anything... it make it even more difficult to try to put your marriage back together. It's a huge gamble to try that... and sometimes it works... but most of the time it leads to the demise of the "M" in IMHO.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thanks Wallace,

I really appreciate your input. It is good for me to hear other's stories and perspectives. It seems to me from reading what I've read in this thread, you gave it your all. Very few men would have lasted as long as you. It seems you and your family are in a better place now then you would have been if you had continued where you were. I hope this new relationship can be a genuine joy to you and can begin to replace some of the heartache you have experienced.

Overall, I think things are better now then they were for several years, although they are still far from perfect. The hardest thing for me is feeling so unloved and undesired by my husband. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> If I think of it as a "room mate" situation, I can make it. I just long for so much more. And there are times I wonder if it's right to "settle" for that type of marriage.

I guess it's one thing to have that type of marriage if there weren't ever blatant deception, and repeated adultery but with that being our history it makes it much more difficult to accept. Am I being a whiney baby??

Any input from you, Avondale, EC or Petvet would be greatly appreciated. I know all of you dealt with different amount of disrespect in your marriages. If it were possible to have what I now have, would it be enough?? Would you go back to that? I'd be glad to give more details if that would be helpful. Thanks so much for being a great group of people!!

Hello Gang.......


Avondale - I haven't decided what I'm getting YD for her graduation yet. It's kinda of wierd having now both out of HS. I still feel in parent mode like they're like babies, but I'll get over it. I still haven't felt really single yet..I still can't believe D-day was in late 2000 that far away and I'm still dealing with a few tangled issues. But more than anything I'm glad the hardest parts are over.


Leah - Your marriage can turn out to be a good one if both parties give it all they got. I'm convinced it takes 2 to make it work. All marriages go through dry and alive times " Seasons of Change" because we move from what we didn't know into more knowledge as we grow older. Sometimes that's when couples lose connection during those times of change.
Regardless, a persons affair(s) is a poor excuse for not dealing with issues.

However seeing what I went through the many times of discoveries. If my spouse didn't show me change and do the things it took to restore a marriage such as, repentance, open honesty and trusting actions, that I could heal and we could heal. I wouldn't waste my time, because its a endless cycle. But if those things are there, then I think it's worth the try, because they are trying.

If they weren't trying, then why try to force,lure or coherece somebody to love you? Men are like wild animals when it comes to women, they are moved by sight, when they see what they want and they get a signal that says come, they go after it....Everybody needs somebody to speak into there life, however, it should the right person with the right things and motives. So as long as you and your H are in the same house you have better chance of a good outcome.

Anyway I rambled enough..


Wallace - Whats up with you these days?

Petvet - How about you? Anything new?


Take Care

Yippppeeeee! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm so glad it's Friday! I really need a break, and am looking forward to going to the park tomorrow for my routine early morning walk/run with friends from the gym.

I'm looking at yardwork with a different eye now, an eye that might have to give it up if we divorce. I cannot keep it going by myself, it's more than I can handle. So I go back and forth between sadness and expectation. Hmmm...

Anyway, hope everyone has a great weekend! I'm outta here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi All,


Leah...

Concerning the situation that your in... and my take on it... and since this is the "Tough Love" thread... here is my 2 cents worth.

While your "H" is recuperating and at home. I would continue with your Plan A.. You have been in Plan A. for a long time, and your coming to a point where you will have to make a decision once he has fully recuperated.

If he starts back up with the same thing as before, your going to have to ask yourself the question... "how long do I want to put up with this"?

As I agree with what EC stated, and it is the best aproach to take for now. You eventually reach a point of no return... especially when your spouse is having a continuous cycle of affairs with no end in sight.

It's like putting money in a business or 401k account and it's costing you more than you could ever possibly get out of it. If it's costing you more than it's worth and your putting all your efforts into it with o sign of relief. Then it's time to take a hard look at it, and see if it is still worth all the time and trouble to continue with it. Knowing full well, it may not get better, and most likely will get worse.

There are some that will disagree... but your spouse going out and having affairs is one of the grounds for a divorce in the Bible.

IMHO... once you have given it your all, and nothing has changed or may have gotten worse and you know in your mind that you have done all you can do. Then it's time for some "Tough Love"!

Once you have made that commitment to take that direction... you have to stick with it, as it is not a direction to take just as a bluff... you have to be ready to follow through what I deem is one of the hardest ordeals you may ever face in your life time. It's a last resort move with the hope that yout spouse will eventually wake up and realize what they have lost. IMHO... sometimes it works, and many times it does not.

I went through so many recoveries with my exW over the years, I lost count.

The problem for us I believe is we both fell back into the same old patterns as time went on, and we didn't keep the Lord as the main focus in our family.

I was busy with my work, and what little time I did have for my family, was mostly spent with my kids. She on the other hand had a penchant for stealing and lying... as well as having affairs. I knew about the stealing and lying to a degree, but not to the extent that it turned out to really be in real life... and I had no idea about her affairs. She was very good at hiding that... in fact she was a Pro.

Had I even thought she was having an affair... I would have dumped her the moment I found out about it.

To me... it is one of the worst things, if not the worst thing you can do to violate a "M".

Considering all of my exW's actions... we are much better off with my exW gone from our lives.

As much as I wished it would of never had to take the path that it did... it's a path that I would never want to go down ever again.

I know I'm rambling... LOL! I do it all the time, so please excuse me for going on and on, when I could of answered your question in about 24 words or less. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

EC...

I'm doing pretty good, how about yourself?

Not a whole lot going on, except my G/F is looking around for a new house to buy... plus she is back on the "let's get married" in September again.

The thing about the new house this time is... she wants us to merge our families together and move into this house.

I think her thinking is... if she finds a nice house that she knows I will really like... I will want to buy the house and get married all at the same time. In other words... move the time line on "M", front and center.

Concerning your YD... did she graduate already?

I thought she wasn't going to graduate for at least a couple of months.

Anyway... if she didn't graduate yet, are you going to her graduation like you planned, and are you having mixed emotions about seeing your exW again.

I recall when you went to your OD's graduation, and all that happened then. I hope you have a very enjoyable time when you go to your YD's graduation, if you already haven't.

Any word on your exW's B/F, and him going to Church and hopefully realizing the errors of his way?

avondale and Petvet...

Hope you two are doing well. Let us know when you get a chance.

Well I hope everone has a great day and a great weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hi all! I'll be back later on this weekend but wanted to let you know that I have been w/o a computer for the past week and half. I had to buy another computer.

Later.

Hi Everyone!! Hope you're all enjoying a great weekend. Mine has been very busy but good. Yea!!My husband is feeling almost better. He returned to work part time this week. Happy news as things were getting rather tense here. He is use to being in charge at work and tends to like to micro-manage at home. He's usually gone all the time so we've had some "interesting" moments this past month. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AVONDALE,

I hope you got to get out, walk, exercise and work in your garden. I enjoy doing all the same. I'm sure it must be tough doing the yardwork on your own. I hope you can keep some type of garden going for your own enjoyment. I'm not sure if you read my last post but I'd appreciate your input too. You seem to have a solid relationship with God. Would you stay in your marriage if your husband returned but did so like mine? Thanks for any words of wisdom. Take care.

EC,

Thank you for writing back. I appreciate your thoughts. I'm glad for you that some of the more difficult and frustrating days are behind you.It must be quite something to have your YD graduating. I have three girls. It seems the older they get, the faster time flies. I'm glad you continue to try to keep a relationship going with them. I hope this graduation is a positive experience for all of you. I hope it's much happier than last time. I will pray for that.

I agree it takes two to make it. I also like the requirements you have for marriage for recovery (repentance, open honesty, trusting actions) My challenge is that it seems I kinda have those and I kinda don't. Is that possible? He seemed sorry for past behaviors but probably not genuinely remorseful and repentant or would he have gone there again?

He can seem honest and trustworthy on some levels,
then later I learn he wasn't totally revealing truth. As in, he wasn't lying but then he was failing to leave out any info. that he knew would most likely be upsetting to me.(ie... seeing a past HS friend when he was up visiting his folks. He had e-mailed her a few times and phoned her a few times. He said it was all in friendship. She had contacted him because of an upcoming HS reunion. The initial contact he shared with me. But the rest of the info. he kept secret)

I agree you can't and shouldn't waste time cohersing anyone to love you. I don't feel I do that. In fact, I've encouraged husband to leave if he is not happy here. He insist he is and that he loves me but actions would indicate otherwise.

Thanks again for your input.

WALLACE,

I appreciate your counsel also. You are right that it gets to be about time to make a decision. I feel I've decided to stay unless I discover he's being unfaithful. Defining that boundary has been the tough part for me. If you could please read some of what I wrote to EC, that might give you some insight to what I mean. According to my husband, there have been no affairs for three years. However, there have been a couple of questionable relationships. This last one was last summer. He claims it was nothing, just a little "ego - booster" from an old friend. The reason he ended up telling me was because her husband discovered they were e-mailing and calling and he expected the worse. They both claim innocence.

So, this is the type of behavior that leaves me with many questions. He supposedly has no inappropriate relationships with anyone and has no desire to go there. But how can you ever know after so many past deceptions. Thats why I'm left always wondering. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Has your girl friend found a new house? Please be careful to not make a commitment for a September wedding till your 100% sure. That's such a huge commitment. I'd hate for you to feel pressured to do something your not totally elated about. Things have moved along quickly for you since your divorce. I guess that can be good and bad.

I wish you much happiness with your new lady. I just want for you to be sure of the timing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


PETVET,

Sorry to hear about your computer. Hope your pleased with your new one. The way mine has been acting I'm thinking I might have to do the same. Maybe I just need a moniter-it keeps coming and going on me. Oh well. Hope you're doing well.


I need to run and pick up my daughter from a birthday party. Hope everyone has had a good day. Look forward to hearing from you all soon. God bless.

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Leah2be ]</small>

Leah,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You said: Would you stay in your marriage if your husband returned but did so like mine? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m not sure if I can answer that. I play out different scenarios in my mind - “What if THIS happened?” or “What if THAT happened?” kind of thing. To be real honest, the thought of my husband coming back to the marriage, without his being right with God (more than just repentance, but a full-time ON FIRE relationship with God) is very scarey and I’m not sure I could do that. But like everything else, I would have to trust God, right?
The year before he went out of state and met the OW was not the best year in our marriage. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately. While things weren’t bad (we don’t fight, lie, steal, etc.) things certainly weren’t good, either. I think he was probably very ripe for an emotional or physical affair, part of which was my fault. And you’re right, living in a roommate situation wasn’t fun.

I’ve retyped the next sentence several times, so obviously I am not sure what I’d do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> At first I wrote I would prefer being together over being single. REASON: I had to do so much yard work yesterday, all by myself, and I was tired, sore, etc... (It was the first time I had mowed the grass post-surgery and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it all summer. Not to mention all the other hubby things that I’m now having to do to keep up the house.)

Then I deleted that and wrote I wouldn’t go back to the way things were, being roommates. REASON: I realized very soon after he left that I had been walking on eggshells around him. Example, I didn’t play Christian music in the car or house, or didn’t go to anything other than Sunday morning at church. (Disclaimer: I am not a Bible-thumping fundamentalist. But he was so obviously against anything religious, there was a subtle disagreement always simmering.)

LOL I’m a fickled woman, what can I say? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think the bottom line is, we need to be content where we’re at, and trust God to guide our steps, whatever they may be. Are you seeing a counselor, or talking with your pastor, or anything “official” about how to best deal with your situation?

Wallace - I totally agree with you - once you do Tough Love it's difficult to back down, and it isn't always successful. I hope I dont' offend you by saying it sounds as if your g/f is being a little manipulative with the marriage & house hunting. What's your take on it? Have you changed your mind, or letting her call the shots because you're a bowl of jello around her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Petvet - I got a Dell laptop and couldn't be happier. Hope you get up and running soon, we miss you! I guess tax season isn't when you want to be dealing with these inconveniences, either.

EC - Yep, both daughters out of high school. You're definitely an old man now. But I'm one to talk - my daughter and son-in-law just bought their first house. I guess grandkids will be next, huh?

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Just dropping in to give an update

FWH is home now, and we are closing down the business that he was "running" (to the ground). We are liquidating, but I am soooo happy to be rid of it, because it reminds me of the life he was living while there.

Last year was a strange year, I started the year seriously thinking about dv. Things kept happening (God was working on me) that kept me from filing. Such as
April - WH spent a month away from his crazy life and we were together for a short period but all the feelings came back for me. He kept saying he was going to close the business and come home but would get back in the black hole.

In September, we were together again out of town and he looked and acted so horrible (sick from drugs, etc.) that I left that afternoon not looking back at him and said it was over for me, I could not watch him destroy himself. That same night, I am sitting church, and I hear God say" Call WH and tell him you love him and you want him to come home." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WHAT!!!???!!! I fought back and forth in my head but in the end I did call him. He replied that he loved me and he was comming home.

Oct - The Lord was really working on me. I decided to do an intervention and began to realize that I needed to pray effectively. I kept hearing "If I don't pray for WH, who will?" I began to learn more about spiritual warfare and began to pray differently.

Nov - I did a "soft" intervention but WH didn't seek sobriety. He kept saying he was comming home.

Early Dec - Did a full formal intervention. WH blamed me and was very angry. I had cut off the money and he was very angry at that. The next day I filed for a legal separation. I had finally realized that I would stand for my marriage and not get a dv but needed to get away from his insanity. I started a modified plan b by not contacting him and was prepared to live without him.

I then wrote a letter to WH, kind of a Tough love, MB combination saying that I loved him, I had been a faithful wife, but I was releasing him to his choices and hoped he would respect my decision to separate that way.

He called me when he got the letter and was a broken man. Wh apologized, said that he had blamed me for everything when it was him, that he loved me and admitted to what was going on. I told him then that I had filed a legal separation and it really got to him. He said he was closing the business and comming back to the area that if I didn't want him at home, to find him a place to live. We had the most honest conversation that we had had in a long, long time.

The next day, there was a fire at the business in his living quarters <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> A friend called him and said "Do you think God is trying to get your attention? Get out of there !!!! (Looking back it may have been to get WH's attention, but it may have been to get OW out of there. She had been living there with him.)

So he got home right before Christmas. He had surgery in January then from mid Feb to Mid march we went together to start the process of liquidating the business. It was awfull being up there but I was so glad to be closing it down. I felt disconnected, was supposed to start my new career in Real Estate and every where I turned, horrible memories came back. I even found some of OW's journals <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

OW is a psycho and that is being nice. She keeps calling and calling. One time she left a message on our home phone that she was pregnant and she was going to keep it this time. (She wasn't pregnant) She has tried all kinds of things. I told FWH that we can get through anything as long as he mantains NC and does what it takes to make me feel safe.

While we were up there closing down the business, OW stalked the place but never came in while we wer there. It was prayers that kept her out. The last day we were there, I dropped off FWH to go run errands and OW came. She yelled and screamed that her stuff had been gone through. ( She left it on the back dock) FWH just stayed inside and didn't let her know he was there. I got the feeling I should pray while out running errands and did. No doubt it was the exact time that OW was ranting and raving.

OW kept leaving messages on FWH's cell phone ( I had phone and was getting the messages, not him.) One time she would say she missed him, then the next that she was getting on with her life and had her first date. Then she wanted money or she was going to send me a video, then call me I miss you, then I hate you, blah, blah blah. That day she was there, a friend saw her and said she was dressed to kill, no doubt for FWH.

I realized that she would let me know if FWH and her were in contact !!! She can't keep her mouth shut, and never could. I used to get " anonymous " phone calls from her friends. It was almost comical. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FWH is back up there to put closure to the business (we have to have everything out by the 31st) I had to put him in God's hands. Before he left, we talked about OW. He just about shuttered and said he couldn't imagine being with her. He said the things she had done lately really turned him off, that she was GETTING crazy. (SIDE NOTE- At first I was pissed at this. Just getting crazy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She has been like this the whole time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Then I realized, he is comming out out of the fog ! and just beginning to see her for what she really is!

This is just the condensed version but I post so that others who are standing will have hope. Rejoice ministries has really had an effect on me, and my stand for my marriage. I deleted thier daily emails when I thought I was going to get a dv.

God is a mighty God, capable of anything. He is helping us through recovery. I didn't know how I would forgive but when I give it to the Lord, He takes care of it.

One last thought, There was a scripture that stuck out to me this week 2 Timothy 2:26 paraphrased that Satan can capture the will of humans to do his bidding. I realized that WH had been taken captive because when I prayed deliverence prayers and spiritual warfare, it happened very quickly so that I would know it was God.

Blessings to all of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

D.

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

WGTT
Wow, I had wondered where you were and what was going on with you. Last I recall, you said you were going to file. What absolutely wonderful, encouraging news! And you're right, he IS coming out of the fog. I am so happy that the road to recovery looks good for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Is your H in any type of 12 step program? Are you still sailing? It's great to hear from you, no matter what the news is.

WGTT,

Thanks for sharing your story. It's wonderful for you that things have turned around in such a positive way. God is a miracle working God!!! I wish for you and your husband much happiness. God bless.

AVONDALE,

Thanks for your reply to my question. I can so relate to you. lol Your answer sounded like one of mine. It's nice to know I'm not the only fickle one around. I guess thats the very reason I'm still here. I can see both the positive and negative to both scenarios. Makes you kind of crazy at times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

At this point, I'm going to try to remain open to the marriage unless unfaithfulness should occur again. I'm still working out the terms of "unfaithfulness" in case needed. Any thoughts on the definition?? Thanks and God bless.

I feel like I need to explain my last question further. In stating that I need to work out my definition of unfaithfulness, I'm trying to more accurately establish boundaries. It's obvious that affairs are unacceptable. So is repeated personal contact with another lady but where exactly do you draw the line?? If it's supposedly a few phone calls or e-mails to an old friend, is that enough to divorce over? This was the scenario last year. They both said it wasn't any more involved than that. But, within the context of our situation, with the given history, it was enough to greatly damage the trust factor and to make it all the more challenging to continue. That is why I'm trying to be mentally prepared if something like that should occur again. Do I make any sense?? It seems things with my husband are often cloudy. He can often seem so innocent so I find myself confused in my response.

Avondale, you asked if I am seeing a counselor. I've seen counselors off and on the past five years. I've counseled with my pastor and other "professionals". I also have a good friend who is a therapist. So I've received a good amount of help. Most of the counsel I've received has been from Christian counselors. They seem to generally have the take that it really could go either way. They feel I've Biblical grounds for a divorce, but I could certainly choose to continue to remain married and wait for God to do a miracle. They all concur that this is an unusual and difficult situation.

Thanks to all of you. I hope you are all doing well. God bless.