Well here’s my update:
Met with H, told him I couldn’t go through repeated meetings while we “negotiate” a settlement. So I told him my bottom line (in a range of $$ and length of years) and let him choose. It was much lower in money and time than my lawyer had suggested but to me, it was worth it to get him to agree without it taking a toll on me. This way, we were able to come to a conclusion much quicker and actually verbally agreed on something within a couple of hours. I presented to my attorney the next day, she agreed I was being generous but understood how I wasn’t up for more emotionally or physically, and we will await H’s attorney to draw up everything next week. I will get him to sign a quit claim for the house and refi the remaining balance of mortgage and home equity loan. The divorce will be final before Thanksgiving.

This last part of the end has been MUCH more difficult than finding out about the affair or him leaving. I now understand how easy it is for bitterness to creep in - no wonder there are so many bitter women (and men) walking around. I have peace about what I settled for; although it isn’t extravagant, I am OK with it.
Thanks for your prayers, everyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Leah2b

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks, that pot of soup sounds wonderful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Over and over again, I learn...GOD MUST BE MY SOURCE OF HOPE. I can not look to my H to meet those deep heart cries and needs. He might be here physically, but he just doesn't seem to really care. It is such a painful realization. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is such a painful realization. And one that hits home with me more and more each day. You are right, God MUST be the source of our hope and strenght. I remember reading in "The Power of a Praying Husband" "Although I'm aware that I cannot meet my wife's every emotinal need, I know that you can. I am not trying to absolve myself from meeting any of her needs, but I know that some of them are intended to be met only by You."

Let God meet those needs, he does tell us; Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened to you. For each one who asks receives; and he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.
(Matthew 7:7-8 MKJV)

My prayer is that God will meet your every need ans you seek Him.

Avondale

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I now understand how easy it is for bitterness to creep in - no wonder there are so many bitter women (and men) walking around. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you battle the same thoughts. My prayers are with you as you go through this. As long as you know that what you have settled for is sufficient for you then that is all that matters. Our emotional health is far more importnat than trying to deal with people who just want to make things hard.

If you are comfortable then I hope and pray that your husband will simply agree and put an end to all of this.

Me

Back to Leah2b's statement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is such a painful realization. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That it is. I was back at the Doctor's office today fro a pleminary meeting and discussion for the eye sugerey next week. As he went into the discussion of being put to sleep he said that afterward's he would come out and talk to me and the family. Family?

That brought tears <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> to my eyes sitting there in his office. I think he thought I was upset about the operation but he did go on to say that as long as I approved he would like to pray then and again before the surgery. I told him that was fine and while he was at it to add one for my former wife. I think then, he realized where the tears came from.

But the thoughts were of each of our children being born and me sitting there beside her holding her hand and I realized that there would be no one there for me. (Not in a negative sense, just the realization that one of those things we always thought would be, is no longer) Dreams, hopes and future all wrapped up in one have been crushed.

Relady, Wallace, PetVet, Volkwes and WillGet ThruThis...let us know how things are going.

God Bless Ya All

Trusting - I’ve been so absorbed in my own problems I didn’t acknowledge yours. Thank you for your kind thoughts. Good thing God is in control and I’m not the only person on this thread!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: I was back at the Doctor's office today fro a pleminary meeting and discussion for the eye sugerey next week. As he went into the discussion of being put to sleep he said that afterward's he would come out and talk to me and the family. Family? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have a support system there for you? I know in the past you had mentioned some of the people from your divorce care group (I think). Do you need us to visit you in the hospital?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: But the thoughts were of each of our children being born and me sitting there beside her holding her hand and I realized that there would be no one there for me. (Not in a negative sense, just the realization that one of those things we always thought would be, is no longer) Dreams, hopes and future all wrapped up in one have been crushed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you realize this, and I know it’s trite, but God does have a plan for you and each one of us. I pray the surgery is successful and that He will give you peace while you are recuperating. When I had my surgery, it really gave me a reason to do some interactions with Him that I previously had let lapse on a daily basis. Nothing like being unable to do your favorite things while you recover from surgery. Since I don't really know how to send you a card, consider this your "get well wish for a speedy recovery".

Leah - Thanks for thinking of me. I feel I am handling this well with God's grace. I'm learning all about mortgages and will refine my budget this weekend. Sounds exciting, huh?

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

<small>[ October 29, 2004, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes, I have a support group and family here. It was just the sudden thought that in the past we had always been together. That thought combined with the idea of being put to sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well, you can sort of get the idea. Just a sudden lapse of thoughts and focus. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hi all!

Avondale: What you have gone though mentally and physically is not unusual. I hope you are at peace with the agreement. In my last post, I was not trying to be negative or hurtful, but I could tell this was wearing on you. One piece of advice I can give you is to not get bitter, but treat this as a new beginning. If you maintain bitterness, your H still has power over you. At least you will not have the stress of this ordeal to worry about anymore. Stay strong, and keep your head high. Be empowered.

Later.

Hi All,

My computer at home is still down ... but I should have the parts in sometime this week to fix it. Work is still real busy, so I will be brief.

Trusting Him,

I've been thinking and praying for you a lot. I hope your surgery goes well and that you have a speedy recovery.

Keep reaching out to the Lord in those dark and lonely times. He is there for you. Even though our dreams are not being realized at the time, we have to hang on to the promises of God. He does have a plan for our lives, plans to give us a hope and a future.

This weekend was one of those times when I had to keep trying to remember that. My H was very angry and difficult all weekend. I try to respond the right way but it seems no matter what I do at this point it isn't the right response. This can be so very discouraging. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So today, I'm trying to regroup and move forward. I guess I'm just battle weary. I'm so ready for things to improve and change. But no matter the prayers and effort here, things don't ever really come together. All in God's time, right? I need to be more patient. It's just tough right now.

Sorry to be whining... I do send you lots of good wishes as you go to surgery. We'll be anxious to hear that everything went well. Take care and God bless you, Trusting Him.


Avondale

You too are very much in my thoughts and prayers. It sounds as if you made a wise decision. I don't blame you at all for going for less money to gain more peace. The money just isn't worth the pain and aggravation, as long as you know your needs will all be met.

That was and is the route I'm prepared to take with my H if D becomes a reality. As long as I have enough for the girls and I to comfortably live, he can have all the rest. I know I could suppeena(sp?) stuff and all that, but to me it just wouldn't be worth the turmoil it would create. I much rather live with a little less, and have some peace in my life.

That is something I long for right now... some peace. It was a bad weekend as I wrote TRUSTING HIM. These are the times I question why I've worked so hard to hold this marriage together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> His body might have come home, but his heart never did. It is extremely difficult to live with someone who acts so disrespectful and unkind.

It is good to know God knows and understands and holds all the answers. Keep looking to him to keep you free from the clutches of bitterness. Not always an easy thing to avoid. I have fought those feelings from time to time also. Those are the times, I have to pray extra hard to have the right attitude. When I sincerely seek His help, God always gives the needed grace. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But I think there is a difference between forgiveness and allowing boundaries to be continually trampled. I'm just trying to determine where and how one draws the line. Thats an area where I still have much to learn. IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE TOO FORGIVING? A QUESTION FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO SHARE THEIR PERSPECTIVE..

I hope these final few weeks go well for you, Avondale. I hope this won't be an entirely sad time for you. Perhaps with the closure of this difficult process, you will be able to more easily move forward with God at your side. Hugs to you.

Hi All,

My computer at home is still down ... but I should have the parts in sometime this week to fix it. Work is still real busy, so I will be brief.

avondale...

Your at a point where everything at this stage can just wear you down. Make sure that whatever you agree to is going to be satisfactory for you down the road. I know how tiring an affect it can have on you... I'm over 2-1/2 years "D", and I'm battling with the IRS due to my exwife's mistakes that I just didn't catch at the time we "D".

Make sure you cross every "T", and dot every "I", because it's real hard to make changes down the road.

Prayers, and hugs to you avondale, keep the faith, and don't let it work you. Take it a little at a time if you have to.

Oh! You can become bitter... very bitter as all this drags out. That's where the Lord in your life is most important. Without him in my life... I wouldn't have gotten this far.

Trusting Him,

You touched a nerve with me... in fact my eyes almost started to water up after reading

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Trusting said: But the thoughts were of each of our children being born and me sitting there beside her holding her hand and I realized that there would be no one there for me. (Not in a negative sense, just the realization that one of those things we always thought would be, is no longer) Dreams, hopes and future all wrapped up in one have been crushed.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sad part of it all is what you stated IMHO, is true, at least with your former. It doesn't mean however that in fact you cannot have hopes and dreams again... you can, and I'm sure you will.

Your putting God first in your life will most definitely make your hopes and dreams come to fruition.

Prayers for you as well Trusting Him, I'm sure this is a very trying time in your life... just what you probably don't need.

We are with you, and we will be here for you when you need us.

Petvet...

Things going well for you I hope?

keep up the good work, and let us know how the child custody issue is going when you get time.

Leah...

I know what your going through... and it is a very difficult scenario to be in.

There were many times, that I just wanted to crawl under a rock, and close my eyes, and hope everything would straighten itself out.

I wasn't able to do that, and my whole world came crashing in on me and my children.

We are better now, and getting better as each day passes. With much determination, and the Lord at your side... you will eventually reach the answer you desire. Pray, and keep searching through God's word, and try to get your "H" to at least look at the word of the Lord.

When my world came crashing in... I thought I could handle it myself. I didn't let the Lord in at that point... I was to busy trying to fix everything myself. Well you know the outcome... and it wasn't until after it was to late in my "M", did I ask for God's help. Don't let that happen to you... put God first, and he will lead the way.

realdy, WGTT, and anyone else I missed...

Hope you are all doing well.

Well back to work... hopefully I'll have my computer up and running by the end of the week.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Leah2b

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I think there is a difference between forgiveness and allowing boundaries to be continually trampled. I'm just trying to determine where and how one draws the line. Thats an area where I still have much to learn. IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE TOO FORGIVING? A QUESTION FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO SHARE THEIR PERSPECTIVE.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As much as I would love to go into the reasons that boundaries are good and we can be to forgiving, there is not enough time nor space here for me to write them.

Simply put boundaries are great! I have boundaries and consequences for our children, most of the time they respect them because they respect and love me. Alas, that is missing in my former and is probably true for you as well. And if that partner has no love or respect they get out the John Deer and bulldoze every boundary you try to erect. And in this fast paced and throw away world we live in today there are way to many lawyers and Churches who would rather have it over and done with than have to really involve themsleves in our lives and problems.

Trying to respond the right way? Oh did that comment bring back memories as I struggled with the right response, the loving response and the anger and bitterness that was given back to me was almost unbearable. So what can I offer as encouragement? Prayers and then some more prayers.

No, in all these things Leah is more than a conqueror through him who loved her. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate Leah from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:37-39

It's rather ironic, well not really, but Sunday as I was listening to the Pastor preach he made a comment to the extent "Nothing can happen to a believer within the framework of God's love that is not designed to bring about change in that's persons life or to bring Glory to God." Or something to that extent, I tried to write down each word cause he said it a lot better than I wrote it but I guess the jest was that God has a purpose, a plan, a hope and a future for us. Same thing Wallace told me.

Know that I will make sure you, the girls and your husband will be in my prayers daily.

Avondale

Leah2be has it right, the money is NOT worth the pain. Much like Wallace and she stated just make sure that you take care of everything up front. Because of my foolish emotions and that desire for a bit of peace in my life I made some huge mistakes. I do not wish that upon anyone.

Bitter! Ouch, I pray that you can find the strenght to not go there. The only person it will end up hurting is you. God's grace and strenght is more than enough to overcome the anger and bitterness but it sure can be a painful process as we begin to forgive, make a decision to forgive, choose to forgive and every fiber of our being is wanting to lash out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Not us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But as you allow God to renew your mind those feelings and emotions do dwindle down to a managable level.

Keep the faith...there is light at the end of the tunnel. As Elizabeth Elliot told my former in a letter to her "things are always darkest just before the dawn but since you know Christ He does have a plan and a future for you. Look to Him and He will guide you to the man He has made for you." Duh! I wonder if she's read that letter lately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wallace

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The sad part of it all is what you stated IMHO, is true, at least with your former. It doesn't mean however that in fact you cannot have hopes and dreams again... you can, and I'm sure you will. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You said it better than I did. I do have hopes and dreams and that is the direction that God has taken me. And they are quite often better than I anticipated.

Me

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> as usual. Not really, I just love that *confused* smiley!

First BF is rapidly dropping from the picture, so rapid in fact that I think it scares my former.

Her words...

Opps! I probably better not say them here so lets just say that they were the words of a desperate woman trying really hard to salvage a relationship that she has already sabatoged (sp). He is tired of her constance annoyance, nagging and bugging and failing to accept responsibility and enstill discipline for and in the children. See, God does answer prayers for the specific prayer was to use him or lose him.

Does that mean anything for me? Nah, probably not. Reading in Dobson's book last night I found thia and grasped it's concept rather quickly.

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may ask with every confidence that God will open the eyes of the morally and spiritually blind.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may ask that the self-deception which sinners hide behind may be burned away in the fierce light of tuth, that dark caverns may be rent assunder to let the sunlight pour in, that self-disguises may be stripped from a man or woman to reveal the horror of their nakedness in the Holy Light of God.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may ask above all that the glory of the face of Christ will shine through the spritual blindness caused by the god of this world.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
All of this we can ask with every assurance that God will not only hear but will delight to answer.

But we may not ask Him to force a man, woman or child to love and trust Him.

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To deliver them from temptation: Yes.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To give them every opportunity: Yes.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To reveal His beauty, His tenderness, His forgiveness: Yes.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
But to force a man against his will to bow the knee: not in this life. And to force a man to trust him: Never.

So I mosey along this path that God has laid out for me asking daily for guideance and strenght that I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

To the rest of the "Tough Love" crowd, Hope you are all doing well.

Hi all!

Wallace: I hope you get your computer issues resolve soon.

Avondale: I want to chime in with the others that you need to make sure that all i's are dotted and t's crossed because it is hard to change once it is put in place. Once again, I pray that you have strength.

Later.

HI EVERYONE, HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE DOING WELL AND HAVING A GOOD WEEK. WE LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM SOME OF YOU THAT HAVEN'T POSTED IN AWHILE.

WALLACE,

Thanks for writing and for your prayers. You are absolutely right about continuing to look to the Lord in all things. I know I can not go this road alone. I so need Him.

I'm sorry your computer is still down. I hope you can get it going soon. Hope other things and people,(GF) in your life are going well. Thanks for being a steady contributor here, even when it's not convenient. Take care.

TRUSTING HIM,

If I remember right, tomorrow is the big day. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

Thank you so much for the verses from Romans. They brought tears to my eyes - I love that passage! I have to remember that God's love and acceptance is always there, even though H's is not.

Boundary busting... H has a super John Deere model! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I keep praying and asking for wisdom in my responses. At this point, I will try to limit and screen every word. I so want to live at peace - I have no desire to be contentious. I also want to be a Godly role model to my daughters. I'm very concerned for them to see and hear the blatant disregard and disrespect that is shown to me from H. I'm afraid they've started to pick up on some of the same negative phrases that they hear from him.

Thank you so very much for praying for me and my family. That means so much! I want to continue to be strong in my faith. That means holding on really tight in the midst of a lot of questions. God will see us all through.

Will your surgery be immediately corrective or will it take some time for the results to be known? I hope your seeing 20/20 soon. Please get the rest you need after surgery - Hope there is someone there to help you. We'll be anxious to hear a good report. God bless!

AVONDALE,

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are doing well. Please let us know how things are going when you can. Take care.

Hi All!!!

Computer is still down at home. I've got all the parts except the power supply for it. So as soon as that gets in, I will probably start fixing my computer and reloading all the programs. Loading the programs back in is going to take the most time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


Well I'm getting hammered by the IRS!

The IRS is bringing in my ex-wife to challenge the Injured Spousal Relief. They are doing this so they can have my Injured Spousal Relief taken away. She had 60 days to appeal this when I received it almost a year ago, and now that it's almost one year away... she wants to contest it, because they started hammering on her for the money that she under reported on with her 18 plus jobs in less than two years... and they are going to let her.

To say that I'm really depressed over all of this, is an understament. It just never ends!

Trusting Him...

Hope your eye surgery goes well. Hopefully you won't be out of commision for to long.

Have someone there for you as well... it will help your recovery move along much faster IMO.

Leah...

What you need to do, if you can... is set up a family meeting to express your concerns, if you haven't already.

IMO, this is the initial stages of the family structure being broken down, and if left unchecked... it will eventually completely break down, and the family as you know it, will no longer exist.

With the Lord's help... do everything in your power to not let this happen... because once it starts snowballing... it is very difficult to stop, if not near impossible.

avondale, Petvet, relady, WGTT, and everyone else...

Hope your day and week are going well for all of you.

Well... it's back to work now.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

No surgery today. I arrived there only to discover tht there had been a problem with the insurance and the Doctor had scheduled me at an out-patient facility that is out-of-network. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Needless to say we spent half of the day trying to resolve that and get me rescheuled at another Hospital. So now I get to wait until November 19th to have it done.

Question for those who have young children?

Real or preceived? Conversations on the phone with my youngest daughter. Over the last year I have always let them know and encouraged them to maintain contact with their Mom when I have them. One night out of the week, Spring or Fall break, alternate weekends the idea here is that they are free to talk about any issue or talk about or to their Mom.

It has happened several times and I've never really given it much thought until this week. Monday evening YD called and spoke with Mom for 20 or so minutes, telling her all about her day, school work, home work and what we had done that evening. For the first six months or so YD was prompt in her calls to me every night, now they have dwindled down to nothing. And the few times tht she does call it short or either because Mom said t ask Daddy something.

Long stroy short...(where have you heard that before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) When I call her now its short and sweet, "Let's say prayers Daddy, I love you, Good night." So yes...I have a slight feeling of being glited (sp) here. But's it almsot as if she is uncomfortable talking to me when she is at the former's house where as at my house she feels quite comfortable talking to Mom.

Questions...

Does the atmosphere provided by either parent have an affect on how the children will enteract with the other parent?

Is it normal for YD to stop her calls to me or is this something that happens normaly as they become accustomed to the parents being apart?

Does YD miss Mom so much on those one nighters that she feels it is necessary to fill her in on all that happened that day?

And the opposite of the previous, (pity party <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Is it normal to NOT miss the absent parent as time goes along and I become just a place to go on those other days?

Hello everybody!!!

I know it has been a long time since I've posted, but I have been really covered up with work, and school has been keeping me stressed and busy.

I just wanted to drop in and give an update...

My attorney's office called me today, and my W was served at work yesterday. They said that they had already recieved a call from a lawyer too. My lawyer was out today, but his secretary said he would be in contact with hers next week, and try to get everything settled, and that it probably shouldn't take long.

I was surprised to feel really relieved to hear all this. I feel like a heavy load is being lifted off of me. It may get ugly before it is over with, but I feel really good right now.

::Smiling::

Hope everyone is doing well!!

I'll be back to check in later

Wesley

Hi all!

Trusting Him: I think environment as a lot to do with the phone calls from kids to the other parent. My kid never calls me from his mom even after I ask him to; however, he ask me from time to time whether he can call his mom and I let him. Of course, his mom calls as well.

Volkwas: I wish you well during this difficult time. Things seem to be going really quick. Hmmmm!

Take Care!

Hi All!
Trusting - you asked some really good questions. My children aren’t young, so my impending divorce is affecting them differently. But of course, having raised two kids to be somewhat responsible adults, I DO have an opinion!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: Does the atmosphere provided by either parent have an affect on how the children will enteract with the other parent? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it does! If one parent is antagonistic (either through what they say- “Dad is a jerk” or what they imply “Dad can’t pick you up because he’s always working”) then it instills in the children that Dad doesn’t care (at the least). We all hope your xw isn't doing this, though!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: Is it normal for YD to stop her calls to me or is this something that happens normaly as they become accustomed to the parents being apart? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say this can be either scenario. It could also be YD is getting older and as that happens, they easily become self-conscious about things like that. Or perhaps OD teased her? Or perhaps Mom doesn’t do anything to encourage her to call? Does she remind the kids to call? Does she make time for them to call? Does she see it as a priority?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: Does YD miss Mom so much on those one nighters that she feels it is necessary to fill her in on all that happened that day? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m thinking several things... </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) I am not so sure it’s her mom that she misses as much as the “security” of the familiar home, with all HER (YD) things in it. I know you probably have “stuff” that belongs to each child at your house, and they bring things when they stay with you. But put yourself in their shoes - their friends, beds, drawers with clothes, etc.. Just one of the hazards of joint custody.
  
  2) She still wishes you could all do things together (mom, dad and kids) so she wants mom to be part of things.
  
  3) Could mom have specifically asked her to call and report? Perhaps Mom has an insecurity complex!</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Trusting said: And the opposite of the previous, (pity party ) Is it normal to NOT miss the absent parent as time goes along and I become just a place to go on those other days?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there are ways you can make it better than “a place to go”. And I’m sure that’s what is in your heart. Pray for God to give you creative ideas to make memories with them. Especially with your son (IMHO)- he’s the middle child and the one in the most need of a Godly example of a father & man. Have you read the latest Dobson book, “Bringing up Boys” ??

Also, keep us posted on your surgery.


Leah - It is always so good to read your posts. You are an encouragement even when you yourself are troubled. Did you know that?


VolksWes - Good to hear from you. I agree with Petvet, things seem to be moving pretty fast. Hope that is something you don’t regret when looking back on it a few years from now.

Wallace - I'm glad you're still posting even though you're having computer issues. How is the g/f thing going these days??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Me - Hubby's lawyer told him the terms we agreed on were "fair to both of us" which of course it isn't (don't we ALL say that??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )but it definitely is what I can live with emotionally. I have obtained a mortgage all by myself today, too, for the house I'm in. Woo hoo! So now I'm in the ranks of the under-paid working to pay off a house all on my own.
Side note: PTL, I am now one-year cancer-free <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Petvet - Is there an update about your custody situation?

WGTT, Relady - hope you're doing well! You are missed!

I'm trying really hard to keep finding the good in all of this but it sure is hard at times.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it does! If one parent is antagonistic (either through what they say- “Dad is a jerk” or what they imply “Dad can’t pick you up because he’s always working”) then it instills in the children that Dad doesn’t care (at the least). We all hope your xw isn't doing this, though! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't say that she does those things. What I can say is her response to me.

When I have the children we do not talk about you, we do not discuss you, your name does not come up unless they are telling me what they did with you.

Whereas with me the children know that they have the freedom to speak their mind in a polite way about any subject, even if they are angry. And trust me, while I enjoy the intimacy of the relationships I have with all three of our children, it appears I get the brunt of their anger and disappointment. I feel that they have learned with Mom that Dad is an "off limits" item as is the BF's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Or perhaps Mom doesn’t do anything to encourage her to call? Does she remind the kids to call? Does she make time for them to call? Does she see it as a priority? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Encourage? I think not.
Remind the kids to call? Not unless she needs or want something.
A priority? I feel that it is not with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I’m thinking several things...

* 1) I am not so sure it’s her mom that she misses as much as the “security” of the familiar home, with all HER (YD) things in it. I know you probably have “stuff” that belongs to each child at your house, and they bring things when they stay with you. But put yourself in their shoes - their friends, beds, drawers with clothes, etc.. Just one of the hazards of joint custody.

2) She still wishes you could all do things together (mom, dad and kids) so she wants mom to be part of things.

3) Could mom have specifically asked her to call and report? Perhaps Mom has an insecurity complex!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. Quite possible on all counts.
2. True, as she still cries at times about us being apart.
3. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I doubt it seriously, but with her you never know. Insecurity Complex? I would have to say very true. For years I always thought that the people my former got involved with were co-dependent, now I see it as her being co-dependent. Her feelings of self-worth and confindnce definately stem from what others preceive her as.

AS for the last. I know that my home is much more than just "a place to go." It's just a mindset I get sometimes if I allow my mind to wander to far or dwell on the "what if's" for an extended period of time. Those bouts are fewer and fewer between now.

The children make numerous comments about staying with me, usually enjoy it even knowing that I am the strict one, the displine person. And they all enjoy those special moments and times where I try to single out just one of them for their special time. Reading a book with the YD, who by the way turned 8 today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> DS and the middle child. He enjoys snuggling up on the couch or bed and watching an entire movie after YD has gone to sleep. OD? Well, let's just say that ALL those conversations that SHOULD be taking place between a mother and daughter anr typically handeled by me. Yeppers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> all that female stuff, puberity, BF's, emotions and feelings are all asked of me.

DD, do you and your mother discuss these things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> is what she does. Daddy, you know I can't ask Mommy those kind of things, she would FREAK!!

Avondale Congratulations on the "fair to both of us" which of course it isn't" cause we all know the truth. And the mortgage too. Welcome to the world. And we'll continue to pray that you stay cancer-free.

Leah, VolksWes, Wallace, Petvet, Rellady and all you others. I hope you all had a WONDERFUL weekend. Stay in touch.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: Leah2be ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Leah2be:
<strong> Avondale,

I must have started writing sometime after you were dealing with cancer. I'm so glad to hear the good report of cancer free for a year.

You certainly have had to deal with a lot of issues these past few years. You must be a very strong lady to hold together so well through it all. Keep moving forward as you are. You're doing a fine job in the midst of a dificult situation. God bless you!

Trusting Him,

I'm so sorry for the pain you've had to endure through the divorce. I'm sure the separation from your children has to be one of the most difficult challenges you face. That has been one of the biggest motivators for me in trying to work things out with my H. I just hate the idea of the kids not being able to be with us both. It must be so hard.

You sound like an incredibly patient man and father. You are so very much there for your children and it shows in the way they are around you and how they communicate with you. From everything you are sharing, you are the parent that they are most secure with. They are able to talk with you about anything, something they can't do with their mother. That is a very special gift you have given them.

I'm sure most of the factors that AVONDALE listed are at play to some degree as far as your younger daughters lack of conversation with you. When my H and I were separated before, the girls were mostly always with me, with very few exceptions. So I don't have a lot of experience with them calling me. I do know when either of us are away from home, the girls don't seem to talk that much to us on the phone. I'm not sure if that's because of their quieter personalities or their ages or what.

When their Dad is travelling, he usually is the one who initiates conversations with them. He will call them and they have a few minutes of small talk. Unless they have a specific need or question, they don't usually call. I wish I could be more helpful but I just wanted to share with you what typically takes place here. Also, I'd just encourage you to keep calling her and letting her know just how much you look forward to talking with her everynight. That might motivate her to keep staying in touch. Maybe she doesn't realize how much her telephone conversations mean to you. I'll pray that situation gets better.



Sorry your surgery was postponed. I'm sure that was discouraging. You were probably anxious to get that done and over with. I hope it goes well when you do have it. Please keep us posted.

Petvet,

Hope your custody situation with your ex-wife gets worked out soon. Take care.

Wallace, Relady, WGTT, Volkswes, and All Others,

Hope each of you are doing well. Write when you can and let us know what is happening. Have a good week!

Me

I'm hanging in there.
Still feeling very disconected with my H. He's very preoccupied and gone most of the time. When he's here, it's like he's never really quite with me. He seems to work hard to keep his distance. It's a sad marriage.

But, the girls are doing well. YD had a birthday party this weekend. Thirteen little girls, games, pizza, cake and fun. I have to hold on to all those happy moments.

I only hope I'm truly giving these girls the best possible situation as far as staying here with their Dad. I hope I can always try to find joy in the midst of it all. That is my hope for all of us here on the Tough Love thread. Wishing you all love, hope and joy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: Leah2be ]</small>

Sorry for the last post. I attempted to edit it and apparently hit the quote button. I'll get it yet... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />