The other thing my attorney (again, not a counselor) said that I found interesting this morning.

He said that she is going to come back to you and ask her to take her back, but it will not be until after the divorce is final. You will have to decide at that point how you want to respond, and if you want her back.

I'm beginning to think I should've just allowed my attorney to wear both hats....

Georgia

I agree with your attorney. There's a high likelihood of that happening.

What then, Georgia?

BTW, my FWH lives with me in my new house.....

You know...Mimi...everybody keeps asking me that same question.

Do you really believe I should be able to answer that hypothetical question at this point?

So far my IC asked me that.
My attorney asked me that.

And now the GODDESS....

Good night to all...pot roast at church tonight.

Georgia

Say your prayers, you are going to need all the help you an get.

Not trying to be funny with this, either.

SS

FGG:

Man, what a day!

You got some great advice here. Not really anything substantial 2 add.

I wonder, though, assuming you do have one of those talks with your W again...

When she says stuff like "you can be his friend, 2". Respond with something like "I can't ever respect him for what he's willingly done 2 our family, so no. I can't ever be his friend."

Or when she asks you baffling nonsensical 2uestions or making silly offers like working on the M with her without giving up the OM so long as she doesn't put aNOTHEr OM ahead of you, try responding by asking her how she would feel with the roles reversed? Canned stuff, of course, but it might be effective in a small way.

I ac2ally think it's good she's transfered the phone in2 her name. You don't need the information anymore. What you need is her accepting a little more responsibililty, however small this is, and, ultimately, you need her 2 stop the R anyway, which you've already stated many times. For the moment, she's gone a little deeper underground is all. Before she can "win you back" she's going 2 have 2 prove that she isn't talking 2 OM anymore. And that's going 2 require her voluntarily showing you all the phone bills, among other things.

best,
-ol' 2long

Good Morning to all -

I thought more last night about the convo with WW and other weighty matters. I think it really good right now if I absolutely don't converse with her anymore for a while. On Tuesdays' discussion, she kept bringing up more and more stuff that she doesn't like about me and just a longer laundry list of why she needed OM. Fog talk (I hope), but I'm really seeing that extra anger in her that she needs to justify her R with OM. So far I've been able to keep my resentment towards her in check, and I don't want to lose that. Hearing her constant disparaging of me not only hurts deeply, but I'm beginning to feel some anger towards her that I don't want.

That conversation really hurt me a lot as I hadn't talked to her in so long. It actually thrilled me to hear her voice and, may be hard to understand, buy I just wanted to close my eyes and listen to that sweet voice that I have loved for so long. Then, when it started about how much OM has helped her and how I've never met her needs....well, a poke in the eye with a sharp stick wouldn't have been much worse.

On a lighter note....

Following is for history buffs only:

I did a little reading up on my neighborhood yesterday. The big park down the street from my new home is named after an early 19th century Georgia senator who is buried in a nearby churchyard. Also in that park is a spring that was the source of the first public water supply for the city. It was piped to town in hollowed out logs that served as pipes, some of which are still in use today.

I have hired a home inspector to inspect the house. I am meeting him at 10:00 this morning, then going to the bank to sign the loan application.

Georgia

I'm back (as if anyone knew I was gone).

Home Inspection turned up only very minor issues (GFCI not working, some other minor electrical stuff). Definitely no show stopping problems.

Credit app looks good, credit scores still intact.

We're still barreling toward a May 24 closing date.

Georgia

G.G.

Congradulations on the new house. I got up this morning thinking about how God can turn lemons into Lemonaid. This is what he did for you. Gave you a new purpose in life. I know you find the new church a bit odd compaired to the old one but think of all the wonderful things your new church is doing.

Think of all the wonderful things you are doing for your neighbors. I am sure even if you do not know it the Mom and son really apreciate everything you do for them. And soon you will be a nice friend to the elderly lady.

I know you want to be with your wife but I see good things coming from this tragic event in your life. Thank you for sharing it.

Can I ask you where you live in GA? My H and I are thinking of moving back to the States and we are looking at several places in the South. My H would love to live close to New Berlin because we saw a program on the Redneck games. He found it very funny. I just like the idea of being able to actually purchase a house. We are priced out of the housing market here in England.

An aside: I am sure you asked this of your lawyer but your wife will not be able to have a claim on assests from the house you are purchasing right? If I remember correctly you are now legally separated right?

Good Morning to all -

MoiNouvelle2 - Nice to hear from you again. If you wish, you can e-mail me (mb_georgiaguy@yahoo.com)and I'll tell you where I am. You mention New Berlin, I think that is in NC. I'm afraid I don't know about the Redneck games.

Housing here is EXTREMELY affordable. My colleagues in New York and L.A. are envious of our housing market. Make mention in your e-mail of your occupations and I'll let you know if there are opportunities here.

And WW can't lay any claim to my new home. We are indeed legally separated and I am being careful to assure each step is approved by my attorney.

I hadn't even thought about this weekend being M's Day and how S's would handle that. #1S said he wants to take him Mom to lunch, but #1DIL says she will not go. So I don't know if #1S is going to see her or not. #2S/DIL are taking her Mom to lunch and plan to come back by and see WW for a few minutes.

Tomorrow I am helping #1S/DIL move back here. Seems like no time since I helped them move there when they got married, but it's been almost 3 1/2 years. Amazing how time flies.

Georgia

And...I wanted to say good morning to GODDESS MIMI...

How are you doing? I've seen your other thread(s). No need in my commenting as I don't know much about your subject matter.

Been one week today since the big day with H and YS. Are things still going well there? And...OS's graduation is tomorrow, right?

Sounds like things are going pretty well for you. Do you agree?

Georgia

Georgia;

I am really speechless! I don't believe words can convey all that is going on in my life and inside of me.

I believe I can sound too optimistic for some here. However, it is incredible, miraculous,etc. how my life has turned completely around in these past two years. Actually, I can say my life is better than ever.. Does one have to go through such major traumas to get here?

OUR SON graduated from college on Saturday. I wish I could have captured that moment in time when I saw my H and son locked into an embrace, sobbing into each others arms. It's miraculous that my H is even home, it's miraculous that he is communicating with both of our sons, it is miraculous that they were hugging each other.... Unbelievable.... My YS looked on in amazement as well. This has blown our minds!! All of us..

You played a part in this Georgia. I continued to assert my wifely and motherly influence on this, encouraging all of them not to give up on each other. That has been a key in this and you encouraged me. Lately I have been tired and wanting to stop playing the GODLY WOMAN role. Are you familiar with PROVERBS 31? I read that at my grandmother's funeral. That's the woman that she was and that is the woman that I aspire to be. THAT IS THE TRUE GODDESS...

I sense that you struggle with the emotional pain that I have expressed here. It is not cyclical! I've been through the BIG M, finished with that. The painful piece is a real part of me. However, there is so much more of me. I am a woman with many intense, complicated parts.

I've been really thinking about that codependent stuff and have decided that my H does not complete me. He enhances me. I am a person without him. However, in order to be an extraordinary person, I need him. It's like one plus one makes two-not two halves making a whole.

My situation really fits with the MB SYSTEM, maybe unlike some others. I truly was not meeting my H's ENs. I acknowledged that and began making changes in myself right away. Maybe your situation and some others was different in that your WS' affair did not have to do with unmet ENs. My H's A did have to do with that.

He has really changed. He is a different person. He is really repentant. I think we can have a wonderful life now. I can't help but want that for you and the other friends that I have made here.

Thanks for being there, Georgia......

I've got to say that I've had a rough weekend, especially Sunday evening /night. I forgot to take Lexapro Saturday night, I don't know if that had anything to do with it or not. Mother's Day was hard. I've always gotten WW some gift and a card on Mother's Day, sometimes flowers.

Mimi...I read your post while I was writing this.

Thank you so much for the compliment. I really, really needed that.

I am so depressed right now....I will write more later.

Georgia

Mimi...

Thanks again for the compliment, as I said I’ve (for no apparent reason) been pretty low this weekend.

It was so nice to help #1S/DIL move back to town Saturday. You’re key word from the other day (bittersweet) seems to fit so many events in my life right now. It is wonderful that they will be back in town, but they have been #2S/DIL’s next door neighbors and have all gotten so close. The girls have grown to love each other dearly. I so hope they will always be close to one another, and it’s been nice knowing they were all together.

Then...there was the issue of Mother’s Day. I know that #1S (without DIL) had lunch with WW. This is so convoluted, not what we’ve been used to as a family at all. Gone is the togetherness that we’ve so enjoyed on days like Mother’s Day. I went to my parents house, grilled them chicken and other stuff, and stayed until about 4:00. Then, Jeb and I went for a long walk at the big park near my house.

I’ll get over it, it’s just been kind of an emotional weekend for me.

However, I am so excited for you. I know that you are so thrilled with H and the relationship with OS / YS. Sounds like you’re all heading in the right direction. And...yes I am quite familiar with Proverbs 31. I know that you must have remembered your GM on Mother’s Day, and the example she was to you. You are walking in your GM’s foot steps, Mimi. You are the example to your family, the pivotal role between S’s and H. You will be seen in that role by those who know you.

I hope you didn’t misconstrue my comments regarding your codependency thread. I know you struggle, and I know it’s real. What I mean to say is don’t loose sight of the “good stuff” and allow the “bad stuff” to overshadow it. That’s what I’m saying. I know you’re though the BIG M, but sometimes I sense you may allow you’re emotions to take you down a path that lets you lose sight of the good (here I sit depressed as can be and offering this kind of advice!). Shame on me....

I have really been haunted by thoughts of W (not WW)lately. The memory of her is so painful...the way she was. I think this started when I talked to her last week. Her voice just sounded so...wonderful. I would so love to just wrap myself in her arms one more time and hold her and love her.

I keep torturing myself over why I wasn’t able to meet her EN’s. This may sound vain, but I just don’t know what MAJOR things I could’ve done differently. Sure...I’ve got my limits, but I tried so hard to be everything to her. It’s like she kept telling me, it wasn’t what I was or wasn’t doing, I’m just not the right person for her.

And...sometimes I feel like I’m developing the same sense towards OM that you have towards FOW. I wouldn’t mind just beating help to a bloody pulp sometime.

Well, that’s a pleasant way to start the week, isn’t it? Didn’t mean to get so melancholy.

Let me put a big bow on this post.

I know that a lot of the advice I’m trying to foist on you is fitting for me as well. I’ve got 2 boys who love me dearly, as well as 2 DIL’s that are the best any man could ask for. I’m going to have #1S/DIL PERMANENTLY back in town and I can see them often. They are both doing so well.

I am buying my own house, a really cool house at that. I love historical stuff and this house is going to be a treasure trove as I research its past as well as the surrounding area.

I am happy with my new church and all the things going on there. Really feeling good about a lot of the ministries and things I can take part in. I know that God still has His hand in my life.

I think I just need to take my advice to you. I need to keep sight of the good while making sure I don’t allow the bad things to drag me down the wrong path.

Sorry for the length, I guess I need to “self-medicate” this morning.

Georgia

Dear Georgia:

Of course, us being of the same mind-set, you have already picked up on what I was going to post to you. FOLLOW YOUR OWN MEDICINE!!

Putting what you have said in another way, remember that there is a REASON for all of this, A PURPOSE, that is too AWESOME for us to understand.

We saw a movie, CRASH, over the weekend that speaks to this. Another movie that speaks to this is GRAND CANYON. You can get GRAND CANYON at the video store.

Just think about the impact that you may be having on Reggie's life. Just think about the impact that this may be having on your DILs. What about the mission that you are fulfilling in your new church!

Part of the MASTER's PLAN must be for some of us to go through MAJOR TRAUMA to get to this other side. I feel that my life is better despite the EMOTIONAL PAIN that I also suffer.... Why do we think we deserve to be so special? Didn't JESUS suffer PAIN? I don't want to get too deep into this today. However, you know exactly what I am saying. Don't you?

Given the contact with your WW, you will have to go through WITHDRAWAL again. It is a normal and expected part of this whole process. Of course, you love and care for her. She is your W. PLAN B has allowed you lock that love away. Contact with her opened up the door again. Put the lock back on the door and you will feel better.

What did Steve Harley say about the ENs aspect of all of this? You might speak to him one more time for closure since he has spoken with your WW. If I were you, I would do that. I think it would be worthwile and helpful to you at this point. He gained a lot of understanding about my FWH in their brief phone contacts. I'm sure he would be willing to share what he learned with you. He does not have those confidentiality issues like other therapists as he made it clear to your WW that he would be speaking with you.

Mimi...

I found the best thing for depression yet. A taco, enchilada, and a chili relleno at at local Mexican restaurant. Works wonders..

You are right about the contact with WW. It really knocked me for a loop last week, I've got to avoid that happening again. Seems like any contact with her is exhuberance followed closely behind by severe reality. Way too painful.

I've got a date with Reggie to play basketball this afternoon. Also, I'm staying home tonight and tomorrow night and painting my bedroom. (I'm in a 2 week break from pottery class, resumes May 24). I think I'll tell Reggie tonight that I'm moving in 2 weeks. BTW - I talked to the other neighbors last night. He and his wife have driven by the house and expect me to have them over for dinner so they can see the house. They are both very, very nice. Amzaing how genuine folks are in this neighborhood. Is it me (have I changed that much?) or is it that folks in the lower rent district really are nicer? Maybe some of both.

I struggle (still) with wanting to make some sense out of the "whys" of this whole thing. I'm not sure if I agree, theologically, that there is always a divine purpose. But I can agree that good can come from anything, no matter how horrible at the time. That's the basket I'm putting my eggs in. Neither do I want to make this a treatise, but I think God can turn evil into good if we allow Him to do so.

Thanks again for the encouraging words, you've chosen the right day for it. I feel much better now that I've gotten busy and started getting back into my routine.

I AM genuinely excited about the house. All seems be going TOO smoothly there. So far there have been no bumps in the road. My realtor called during lunch and said the seller has agree to fix the things I had asked for (all of which are really minor).

Next step is the appraisal. Closing is set for 2 weeks from tomorrow.

Georgia

"Amzaing how genuine folks are in this neighborhood. Is it me (have I changed that much?) or is it that folks in the lower rent district really are nicer? Maybe some of both."

2th, I'm betting. I think older neighborhoods, where the houses were all built at different times for different reasons, tend 2 be the closest knit. Much less "cookie cutter" than modern housing tracts. Ours is pretty much like that.

I just LOVE your medication for depression! We tried 2 go 2 one of our favorite Mexican restaraunts for Mother's Day yes2rday after driving home all day, but the crowds were 2 much for us. Our D and SIL are taking us out 2 dinner and 2 see Hitchiker's Guide this evening, though. That'll be fun.

best,
-ol' 2long

2Long ....just the man I needed to see.

I understand from the homeowner that the windows are painted shut and have been since he bought the house 13 years ago.

Not only do I enjoy spring / autumn breezes, but these old windows have the counterweights and hardware all still existing. In short, I want the windows to open.

Have you any experience freeing windows that may have decades worth of paint?

Georgia

FGG,

A spackling knife often works. Plus you could consider some of the modern solvents to soften up the paint. A trip to the hardware store should get you all of the information you need.

I do think you are probably changing, but in reality these older neighborhoods with their smaller homes, and older neighbors are generally friendlier. Less hustle bustle, and often fewer children, so people have time to get to know one another.

I know the lane we live on has completely turned over in the last few years, and whereas we knew everyone (our kids were young then), we know few now. Everyone is too busy taking kids to one thing or another.

I think you will enjoy your house and I hope it brings you the peace you seek.

God Bless,

JL

FGG:

Yep, JL's right. Best remedy is a thin-blade putty knife, the flexible kind. Find a place around the parting bead where you can work it in and crack the paint free. Take your time, don't pry if you can help it. Make sure the blade will go between the sash and the parting bead all around before you so much as try 2 move the sash. Do the same on the outside if you have 2. It helps it's a single story!

When repainting old wood windows, make sure you don't paint the surfaces that run against each other. That means the edges of the sash and the frame as well. If they're already painted, you might still be okay if it's old oil-based paint, because it will be good and hard by now. But if it's latex, or if it's really thick, you might have to scrape some off with a good scraper 2 free up the action. Beeswax is good 2 rub on the edges of the sash to make them move freely.

Our wood windows are 118 years old, and can be repaired 2 work good as new. You can't expect vinyl or aluminum windows 2 last more than about 25 years (in spite of the claims 2 the contrary by the salespeople). When wood windows rot, you can revive them wonderfully with Abatron Wood Replacement Epoxy. It's very expensive, but it works fabulously. I've used that on some of the most hopless looking windows and have had no problems in several years of use.

One common complaint about double-hung windows is that they're energy inefficient. Bull feathers. I use the spring-bronze type of weatherstripping around the edges of the windows, and it not only makes them nearly air-tight, it centers the sash in the frame and cuts down on exterior noise...

Now I'm good 2 go for another 118 years, I figure.

...I suppose that was a threadjack of sorts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Thanks, JL and 2Long -

Not a thread jack at all, that's exactly what I wanted to know. My windows are young (old 70 Y.O.)so they should be made to work as good as yours that are 118 y.o., right?

In other news....I talked to #1S a few minutes today and he mentioned his lunch with Mom yesterday. I asked him how it went and he said she was very pleasant, just like there's absolutely no problem.

He said it was kinda like the elephant in the L.R. analogy, they both just pretended it's not there....

Off to basketball with Reggie.

Georgia