WOW!!! I picked up my new glasses. I had forgotten how crisp and clear the world is !!

My car will not be ready until Tuesday. I really don't care much for my rental Dodge Neon.

MIMI...Remember the "airplane doctor". She has e-mailed me to tell me she has decided her M is over. Let's see, I met her in December, she met this guy in January, married about April (I think) and it's done with already. Boy, that was quick.

Anyway, Mimi...have a good time with H next week. I'm not at work all the following week, divorce is scheduled for Sept. 14.

I'll find a computer to check in somewhere.

A pleasant weekend to all my MB friends.

Georgia

I agree with Georgia, Mimi enjoy your escape. I was in New Orleans last week with my FWH. It was a much needed escape for the two of us. Our summer vacation was with all 4 of our children, our son-in-law and the girl friend of OS. We went to HI for the birth of our granddaughter. The trip was exciting, wonderful, beautiful and stressful. So the trip to N.O. was incredible---no kids. Cafe de Monde is one of our favorite spots. We've visited the d-day meseum, zoo, aquarium, french market etc. and pray these wonderful places can be restored. More than the location, we pray for the people.

We will be volunteering at the local shelters this weekend. Our small community is providing food, clothing and personal items for those in make shift shelters here. The projection is these shelters will need to be open and operating for several weeks-possibly months. This will create problems in the marriages of those in the shelters. Please pray for them.

Georgia, my personal experience is different from yours, but I do see the pain. AFter 18 yrs of marriage and 4 children betweeen the age of 3 and 13 my FWH left our family. After a 14 month seperation we reconciled.(I filed for D the day he moved out of our home to protect myself) When he moved home our recovery was extremely difficult.......I didn't have marriage builders for support. My family and friends thought I was crazy for giving my WH a chance. I went to IC and worked on me. We had very little MC. Our recovery was halted then resumed many times because WH continued contact with OW. With the MB principle I believe I could have saved myself and my children much pain. I found a copy of SAA in a book store almost 2 years into the recovery. When I found the web site, I thought I'd found a pot of gold. I didn't feel I could contribute any words of wisdom to those on the discussion boards. You, Mimi and so many others here have shown me the value of personal strength and peace. Regarless of the circumstances, the issues are the same.
You have done a very good plan for allowing recovery in your marriage. If your WW feels she was 'emotionally abused' all those years, give her the control she is seeking. Don't take responsibility for her feelings. I know it must be difficult to hold your tongue. It would be for me. At present my FWH and I have been asked to speak about our M and present recovery. I've been asked to speak about forgiveness.....I'm not sure about that. I think it's an ongoing process.....and I'm still learning.

As for Jeb's flea problem, I understand. We live on a farm The barn cats, retriever and pomeranian(our house dog) are miserable. We had them dipped and etc without much releif. We are now trying to put chemicals down to reduce the infestation. Dificult considering we have about 5 acres. The weather has been extremely dry over the last few weeks....strange considering the flooding in east LA.....but the fleas tend to like that best. Good luck to you and Jeb.

Enjoy your weekend.

Thanks, Julsnla...

Please allow me to say I have enjoyed meeting you today. I hope you will feel free to continue posting here on my thread especially your tales of your work volunteering with the recovery efforts. I am interested, keep me (us) posted of ways we can assist.

It is encouraging that you and FWH were able to reconcile. I don't know if that will ever be the case of me and WW, but I have to assume NOT to allow myself some peace of mind to carry on with life.

As far as giving her "control", she now has 100% control over anything she wants to do.

Sounds like an interesting place you live. A real, live farm? I may be in GA, but I'm a city boy all the way around. Sounds cool though, the animals and all.

I'm sure you have a lot to share with others about your recovery. Keep up the good work.

Georgia

Georgia,

Are you off all week?

Just thinking of you - and checking your thread.

-AD

Good Morning AD (and everyone else) -

You need to get some sleep!!

No, I was only off yesterday, back today and the rest of the week.

I had a pretty busy weekend. I did another CASA visit Sunday. And, I've gotten offically started on my deck and pergola. The weather has cooled considerably and it's wonderful working outside on days like this. I'm really looking forward to finishing it so I can eat out on the deck. Also, me and Jeb can sit out there and contemplate life. I hope that someday he will tell me about his past and how he ended up in a rescue shelter. Oh well, I know he'll talk about it when he feels like he's ready.

I got an e-mail from my friend in Japan who said his surgery went well. He says he has about a 1 month recovery period.

Now for the real updates.

WW called me Sunday night an left a voice mail message on my phone. She said that she wanted to let me know she misses me and for me to call her if I would like a home cooked meal. However, still no change (or confirmation of any change) having to do with OM.

#1DIL called me yesterday afternoon. She was really upset and crying. I felt so sorry for her.

They got back from my IL's house Monday night. It seems that neither my FIL / MIL are doing well (health wise). Also, MIL is extremely depressed and upset. She (DIL) said that WW called while they were visiting and MIL went into another room and closed the door. She said she could hear MIL yelling at WW over the phone and the name of OM came up a lot. This seems so strange in that I have NEVER heard my MIL yell and I wouldn't even think she is capable of yelling.

DIL says that she is very concerned about #1S because he is having such a hard time handling this whole thing. She said he cries a lot at night and can't sleep many nights. She doesn't know what to do, but she thinks he needs to see a counselor.

I don't know what to do either. I try to give him space when I sense he needs it, and I try to be there when I sense that he wants me close. But...I just don't know how to make this any easier on him.

I talked to my attorney's office yesterday. The divorce date has been moved to Friday, Sept. 16 at the request of the court. My next meeting with my attorney will be next Wednesday (Sept 14).

MIMI....WE MISS YOU!!!

Georgia

FGG,

Where's Mimi when we need her! I know, I know - a much needed and deserved R&R!

I have also wondered about the past lives of pets who end up in shelters. Especially a dog as nice as Jeb. I wonder if he wandered away? Did the shelter have a history sheet on him at all?

Where we live they try to get a questionnaire from former owners if possible so they can see if there are any issues that could impact future placement.

In the cases of hound dog types - often they "follow their noses" and end up in shelters. Also arctic breeds are over represented at shelters, becuase they are chronic escape artists!!

How bizarre the doctor who called! I remember back when you met her. Sounds like she lives a life of turmoil.

I'm fascinated by the fact that your wife says she misses you; yet was it only last week when she tried to convince you that she has suffered all these years of emotional abuse?

I feel so badly for your MIL and FIL. This is incredibly difficult for them. I remember how tough it was on my former MIL. I felt at a complete loss of what to do to make things easier on her. I just couldn't protect her from the reality of her son's decisions.

I'm just glad your two boys are in healthy relationships with great women. They are truly going through deep grief by the sound of it. I am sure they will come through with new relationship with their mother. I just hope she promotes peace with her DILs.

Oh, I checked out some pottery classes here. Whew, they're expenseive - they run from $40 to $400! An enormous range of price! I'm thinking of taking one of the cheaper classes and take my YS!

Hi CSue -

Jeb past, I'm told, is that he was found wondering aimlessly in Social Circle (GA) and taken to the pound. He had a collar but no tag, and no one claimed him.

The rescue organization somehow got him from the pound, and that is all I know about him. However, Jeb definitely will bolt out the door if given half a chance. I suspect that trait may have something to do with his nomadic past.

WW has consistently said she doesn't want a divorce. However, she has just has consistently maintained her R with OM. I think that she still is very much in the "entitlement" stage, feeling greatly justified in her actions. And...I see nothing that indicates that is about tot change. Yes, I agree that if I have indeed been emotionally abusing her for 29 years, she should be breathing a great big sigh of relief right now.

I feel badly for the whole family, perhaps mostly #1S. He and I are a lot alike in many ways, and I can imagine how this is so hard on him. #2S, while troubled a great deal, just seems to be forging on with his life.

DIL yesterday said to me through her tears that for their Mom to have done such a great job raising her boys, it is just so hard for #1S to see his Mom this way.

Am I allowed to say that sometimes I would just like to grab her (WW) and give her a really, really good shaking and tell her to come back to reality? I guess that would be abusive, probably not the right thing to do. (I watched Naked Gun last night. Perhaps a good slap or two for good measure?) But sometimes....well, if she wants to destroy herself & our marriage, that's one thing. To see her hurting our boys so much, that really gets too me.

On the pottery issue. I pay $115 for 8 weeks (1X / week). Last week I made a sugar bowl and lid, last night I made a cream pitcher. And...you can actually recognize what they are, not just generic "bowls" that can be used for whatever you want!

I really do enjoy pottery. It's extremely therapeutic (sp?), and it's nice to sit and just relax with these friends that I've made there as well. I highly recommend it, and as I recall you are a bit artistic already. Could be right up your alley?

I am, at long last, supposed to get my car back this afternoon after work. Seems they've had a really hard time for some reason.

Georgia

May I make a suggestion? May I suggest another call to SH as the D approaches. It seems WW is reaching out, OM is in Iran, and there may be an opportunity for a good shaking. Is there a chance for recovery? Call SH and see what he suggests.

It seems I have read here that he has suggested a lifeline be sent out periodically in Plan B, just to let the WS know you are still there, to check in, to offer the path back again.

Make the call? It seems unlikely she is spending AS MUCH time on the phone to a foreign country...

SHMI -

Thank you for the suggestion. I do think that WW is reaching out, and unless I miss my guess I will hear more from her in the next week.

I have been consistent to her in my message anytime we've talked. The R with OM MUST END. Period. Not just slowed down, not cut in half, but it must end. The closest she's come yet is to tell me that she wouldn't put another man ahead of me again. (Meaning? I'm top dog to a whole pack?). Hum...let me think about it.

I don't know if this is common to BS's, but right now any contact with her is close to torture. It was last Monday night (10 days ago) that she came over and promptly told me that I'd been emotionally abusing her for 29 years. I bet I have replayed that tape in my head 1000X since then. This is / was my best friend on earth, the woman who I trusted with everything I knew how to trust with, and all the things we've shared together. Now...she stands before me and tells me I've been abusing her for 29 years. It really does a great job wiping out a whole block of fond memories all at once, kind of like a magnet on a credit card.

Anyway, I'd better stop. Mimi's not here to reel me back in to reality.

I truly believe that this sudden pang of "I miss you" may have a lot to do with financial reality.

Georgia

FGG,

Not that I'm suggesting this but I have to wonder.....

Specifically what she thinks she misses? It probably is financial reality on one hand....but I bet there's more. It would be interesting to know what ENs aren't getting met that have finally gotten her attention!!!

I'm not suggesting marriage building....only SH should make that call other than you of course. But I find her thinking interesting.

Reminds me of my xH when I finally told him I was divorcing him. His actions had been such that I thought he would have been relieved to set him free to practice his addiction and his single ways...why not make it official and really let him go.

I couldn't believe the fuss he made and how he begged me to not divorce him. That lasted all of about 1 day I believe, before he comforted himself in his alcoholism and girlfriends. Simply a moment out of the fog, then back to immersion full time.

With my current husband...I told him I wouldn't consider myself safe in our marriage until I had SH's blessing that we were on the right track to recovery and HE felt my husband was safe to trust again.

FGG, I would want NOTHING less for you. SH's guarantee that your WW is a safe person for you to be with.

Well...in all fairness to WW, I suppose it is more than just financial.

She probably does miss me, because we did have a lot of fun and we did enjoy being together. However, it still doesn't seem to have registered that you only get 1 (count'um - one) husband. If he's asleep, or at work, or mowing the yard, or whatever....a wife is not at liberty to fill his absence with another man.

As long as there were 2 of us to tend to her every need, all was well. However, if either of us disappeared from the picture, then suddently those EN's you mention become a bit of a menace as they aren't ALL being fulfilled anymore.

That is where we seem to be now. And...if OM#2 has, in fact, somewhat withdrawn from the scene, it certainly bodes ill for her long term happiness. Keep in mind that much of their R was using voice connection over the internet, so I've certainly got no reason to believe that the intensity (or frequency) of the R has diminished because he is now even futher away than the 3,000 miles to Vancouver.

She knows, she CLEARLY knows, that OM is THE issue that must be addressed before any attempt at recovery.

Georgia

"However, it still doesn't seem to have registered that you only get 1 (count'um - one) husband. If he's asleep, or at work, or mowing the yard, or whatever....a wife is not at liberty to fill his absence with another man."

I love this. I'm going 2 steal it!

"She knows, she CLEARLY knows, that OM is THE issue that must be addressed before any attempt at recovery."

Intellec2ally, she probably does know this. Emotionally, she hasn't a clue. My W still insists that RM was "never the problem". If not, then getting rid of him permanently, years ago, wouldn't have bothered her one bit, would it?

-ol' 2long

FGG

Sending you a big hug. I know the pain.

Georgia,

Just to let you know I'm reading.

I have nothing much to say. I'm sorry your sons (and DIL's) are suffering, even though it's nice to have people you love share your suffering.

My w is also making feeble stabs at "saving the marriage". As the time grows shorter, she might become more motivated, more creative and maybe, make the leap over into sincerity. I hope for a miracle for you.

As a practical concern, I don't now how to handle any possible reconciliation. Right now, it looks like all my wife has to do is make promises, and I have to make subantial actions. You might be in a similar situation, altough I think your financial deal (so much as I know about it), is less favorable than mine - and you risk less if you decide on a delay.

Have you thought about that? What would it take for you to call off the judge (even for a delay)? Is a pledge of NC enough at this point?

-AD

Good Morning to all-

Well, it seems that as time draws near, things are going to get more and more intense.

Yesterday while I was at the body shop waiting on my car (which looks great, by the way), my attorney's office called. She said that they had received a call from WW's rabid dog attorney and asked if we would agree to a meeting at her office next Wednesday at 4:00 to see if we could come to an agreement without going back to court. So, I agreed. I will meet with my attorney at 2:30, go to her office at 4:00.

I met #2S/DIL last night after church at a local restaurant (I've discovered buying them dinner is a great way to get extra quality time with them!). Anyway, while I was waiting, my cell phone rang and it was WW. I didn't answer, and she left a message. She was crying and said she misses me. However, no mention of OM.

I talked to #2S at length about this. He seems to be the one right now who is keeping his head on his shoulders and handling this whole thing okay. I know that he will be talking to her, and I wanted it to be clear to her that I'm not hearing anything about her ending the R with OM, just that she misses me. That is not enough, she's been saying that since bringing me red velvet cake upstairs, since making advances toward me, etc. However, there is no indication of ending the R with OM.

#2S asked me the same question, AD, that you pose. What if she will end her R with OM and pledge NC? He suggested (what a smart young man he is!) that her recovery would be like that of a recovering drug addict. She would have to have no internet access, no cell phone, no way to be tempted.

I told him that I am not going to make a decision as to what I would do before being presented with the need to make such a decision. We talked about all the false hopes and he remembers those well.

WE MISS YOU, MIMI!!!!

Georgia

Isn't it wonderful that you have a son that has a great head on his shoulder. My adult son and daughter realize what my husband has done was wrong, but have not changed the way the feel about their father, which is good for them. I want my children to have a good relationship with their father.
It's great your son is still promoting things to help bring the two of you back together.

Yes, kdsheartbreak, it is good.

I think last night we made a significant discovery. Quite a while back, when WW starting her ranting to #2S about his father, he told WW that if she wanted to continue to see him, she would never again talk bad about his father. He tells me that since that day, she has never said anything else about me.

However, I know that WW still calls #1S at work and at other times and just fills his head full of her drival. It just tears him up and that's when he gets so upset.

I wish he could do what #2S has done and tell her to put a cork in it.

Georgia

FGG,

I know, we can quote Mimi from the past...sort of like re-runs!

Here's one

And life goes on....

And I am going to add the obvious statement here, that in addition to her committment to NC with OM there would need to be a plan in place where she NEVER got into this type of inappropriate realtionship again.
I am sure you have also thought of that GG, after all this is OM #2! and she still doesn't see anything wrong with either of those relationships.

GG, looking back to the beginning of your R with her, do you think that in the early years of your M she would have never dreamed of getting into this type of R? I keep wondering if she has always thought this would be acceptable behavior, or did she originally have her moral compass set straight, but it is just off right now?

Hi WOF -

There is no way that I can strongly enough point out the differences in the woman who now lives in my wife's body verses who she used to be.

She would have never, ever DREAMED of such a thing!! She has always been a straight arrow. She was raised in a very loving and morally upright home. Her dad was a bivocational minister (very conservative). When her brother (her only sibling) married a divorced woman about 12 years ago, she was so infuriated she wouldn't even go to the wedding!! (Something she and I disagreed strongly over).

But...to answer your question, this is way, way out of character for who she FORMERLY was.

Georgia