I don't really know if any of it is sexual. I never tried to record anything.

Interesting, one of the things she says now is that I've only heard one side of the conversations so I can't possibly "understand".

Georgia:

I continue to think it's best to cut off those conversations with her and to repeat your BROKEN RECORD..

"Get rid of all OM forever and ever or else suffer the consequences....CLICK....

Mimi,

I completely agree with you, repeat the broken record.

I don't think she's done, and her panic will only increase as this draws to a conclusion. FGG, I agree with you, e-mail only.

I suspect she'll pull your sons into this as well.

Did she ever read what Harley says about married people not having these types of close personal friendships with people of the opposite sex? Maybe you could copy that portion from HNHN or Surviving an Affair and email it to her. He may have said it somewhere on this website. Maybe she doesn't grasp the rational and wisdom behind that advice. She also never grasped the biblical passage to 'forsake all others'. Oh well, maybe it isn't worth bothering.

I agree that these conversations aren't worth engaging in. She just doesn't 'get it' at all. I wonder just what about her does the OM really understand about your wife.

My H doesn't remember lots of the stuff he said to me during his affairs. He can't believe he felt as he did then. He is ashamed of the way he was back then and the things he said.

It sounds like your wife only wants you for what you can provide as her husband. She wasnt to eat cake...forever.
She can't seem to see anything from your perspective. Is there ever even a glimmer of acknowledgment for your what this has felt like for you?

You are so much better than that.

My future conversation with her will be limited to e-mail only and will focus on the division of assets, alimony, etc.

Oh, that was something else she told me last night. She told me I didn't have Biblical grounds for a divorce.

I haven't heard from either one of the boys in over a week. I know they are distancing themselves from me, I can feel it.

However, I have to trust that whatever line their mom is feeding them, they are smart enough to parse out the truth. I'm not going to involve them in the bitter train wreck right here at the end, or try to convince them that I'm doing the right thing. I will respect their need for space.

Georgia

FGG,

Not everyone would be able to do this...(I'm not going to involve them in the bitter train wreck right here at the end, or try to convince them that I'm doing the right thing. I will respect their need for space.) due to bitterness and anger.

It's a wonderful gift you're giving them, there would be no peace to do otherwise.

I also highly respect you regarding your response to your sons.

That says it all regarding who you are

They certainly are grieving and struggling over this...

"BOLD LOVE" is what you are demonstrating, Georgia....

Thank you, both of you.

I'm sitting here right now working on my e-mail to her with my proposed division of assets, sale of the house, settling of outstanding debts, and alimony.

I think the only thing we will tussle over is the alimony.

I would like to run my thoughts past you folks for input, if I may. BTW - I have discussed this with my attorney and he thinks it is reasonable.

My house (for which I paid $102,500) payment is $730/month. Utilities run about $250 a month.

So, I'm going to propose that I pay her $1,000 / month which will cover her house payment and utilities for a house comparable in worth to mine. Is that reasonable?

Then, the next step is for how long. I'm going to propose for 4 years which will allow her ample time to get a degree even if she has to start out as a freshman. She did at one time (late 70's) have enough credits for to be a junior. Does anyone know if there is any chance a college will accept transfers that old?

Anyway, I'm asking for honest thoughts on this from anyone that has an opinion.

Georgia

GG,

I think what you are offering her is more than fair and honorable thing to do. You had your lawyer go over it. If they do not accept what does your lawyer think will happen? How will the court act upon your offer if it goes to trial? What is your wife going to get if you do got to court i.e. state guidelines.

As I understand it, if we go to court, my attorney thinks it possible that the court could award her anywhere from $800 up to about $1,200 month, but probably not much more. There are no strict guidelines as child support is not involved.

He says the length of time varies greatly, and the judge we have has only been a judge for a year so he doesn't know her philosophy on this. He said there is one judge who uses the rule of allowing enough time for a college degree to be obtained, and another uses a rule of 1/3 of the length of the marriage. In our case, this would be 10 years.

Georgia

Hi, Georgia.

Quote:
===================================
Anyway, I'm asking for honest thoughts on this from anyone that has an opinion
===================================

I believe that she is entitled, to nothing. However, the state of the courts being what they are, I would push for two years. That is long enough for her to get some vocational education at a junior college. What she does with it after that is of no concern.

My reasoning is that the longer you are giving her money, the longer she will do things with it that you absolutely do NOT approve of, yet you will be powerless to do anything about it. Word of her actions WILL leak back to you.

For your sake, even if you have to give a bit more, do everything you can to make the period short as possible.

God bless,
Gimble

I agree with Gimble.

First, she is entitled to nothing, IMO.

Second, remember you are negotiating. You don't have to low ball her, but start off lower than you are willing to settle. Like, $800 and two years. If you end up at $1,000 and four years, or $1200 and three years, no big deal.

Maybe one of her OMs will support her?


Does she read here? It may not be smart to expose your plans this way.

As far as I know she doesn't read here.

Okay, meetings are over for a while. I'm going to try to get this out this afternoon.

Georgia

I'm offering $1,000 for 3 years. I'm sending it, we'll see if she responds by tomorrow.

I've also e-mailed our HR folks to see if she is eligible for COBRA coverage after the divorce. If so, she will at least know how much she is going to have to pay for continued insurance coverage. I'll wait until I have that answer before I advise her of that.

This is something that was very important to her parents when I visited them a while back. I told them I would look into it.

Georgia

Always go into negotiation low but have a maximum in mind. Having a young judge might go to your favor. Just see what they say to your offer. Now is the waiting game. Good luck. But to be honest please go back to plan B. Only discuss the offer on the table and nothing else. For your sanity and it also protects you from giving them anything to use.

FGG,

Look into her getting her own private insurance from a company such as Blue Cross, it is often cheaper than group insurance and much cheaper than COBRA.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

FGG,

For my XW, who is 20 years younger than me, COBRA will be $250/month - including some dental. If she were to buy non-maternity private health-only insurance, it would be perhaps 1/3rd of that - but would exclude pre-existing conditions. I plan to mention it to her when I give her the COBRA forms.

Oh, and I'm paying $1K/month for 16 months - plus CS for 14 years, of course. My "alimony" is treated as "alimony in gross" - which has the advantage of being non-modifiable (she can't come back and ask for more), but the disadvantage of being non-tax-deductible. Considering the fact that she may have difficulty entering the work force, the non-modifiable part will protect me from her crying for more.

I assume your wife will get some cash settlement also?

My xw will get 1/2 the equity in "our" house.

If your wife says "why don't you take everything", you should say "Ok, thanks!".

-AD

GG,

Something else to think about is what is your plan B if the settlement is not agreed upon. If you have to go to court have you preprared yourself for the questions that will need to be asked? I am not talking about you but the questions your wife will have to answer. It will not be nice. Also I think your wife will use the medical issues as a means to her end of getting more money and time. Do you have a plan in place for this?

BTW How is Jeb? Still being a bed hog? How about the pond?

... and the deck.

Good Morning, folks -

Okay, where to start.

Jeb is doing great, and he is DEFINITELY a bed hog. When I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed, when I come out he's in bed waiting for me. And...he's always in MY SPOT with his head on MY PILLOW. I have the same talk with him every night "we've got a queen size bed, there is another side you can have, don't get in my spot, etc.". He just lays there, wags his stump of a tail violently, and pretends his never heard this speech before.

I've not had much time to work on the deck in the last week with the trip and all. The deck itself is almost finished and I've started on the bridge. I really do need to take some pictures and post here. I'll try to do that soon.

There were only 3 of us at the Bible study last night, but it was wonderful. We had a great time together, enjoyed lots of sitting around and talking and snacking. (I made chili cheese dip). It was really good the group was so small last night, there was a lot of personal things shared by one participant that I think probably needed to get some things out that had been troubling her for a long time.

Due to that (mostly) we're going to talk about grace / forgiveness at our next meeting which will be in a month.

Now for the hard part. WW called me repeatedly last night 5x) but I didn't answer. She left me one voice mail which I listened to this morning. She was crying and saying that she hoped I was happy with the amount of pain I was inflicting on her. Nothing about the settlement offer.

This morning I have an e-mail from her forward on a link to a story about "canine flu".

No e-mail or other communication about the settlement offer.

Needless to say, it tears me apart to hear her crying and all upset. I started to not even listen to her voice mail, but I thought it might have something to do with the settlement offer so I listened to it.

GOOD MORNING, MIMI...

Georgia