Good Morning to all -

Well, I'm back in good ol' Georgia.

The ride home from Atlanta Friday night was wonderful and it really felt good. It was a bit cool (about 55 deg.), but I put the top down, the heat and seat heater on, and enjoyed the beautiful, clear starry skied night as I rode home listening to the BeeGee's. I've decided that I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I'm having a mid-life reprieve. Then it got up in the 70's at home on Saturday and more top down driving. I love it!

Jeb was really glad to see me. I showed him the cap I bought for him, and on Saturday we sat out on the deck and worked on trying to get it to fit him. I cut the holes in it for his ears, but his head is really flat between his ears (as I guess is normal for a dog), so I need to come up with some kind of strap to go under his "chin(?)" to hold it on. He thinks the whole thing is silly....but what does he know, he's a dog.

It has been nice to be home, church Sunday was especially enjoyable. Sunday night I went to the church around the corner from me. They were having a deacon ordination service for 2 young men. It brought back a flood of memories about when I was ordained and my service as a deacon. I've already decided that I will never again serve in the office of deacon even if I'm in a church that would allow it. I know what the Bible says...and I know all the interpretations.

When the pastor and others were giving their challenge to these young men, I wanted to stand up and tell them that they were entering a spiritual battlefield unlike anything they had ever encountered, and that Satan would do everything he could to destroy them and their families. I wanted to tell them that I had been there and that I knew what I was talking about. But...I didn't, I just sat and smiled along with the rest of the congregation.

Sunday night I had my friends over (the couple) after church. I just picked up a couple of Pizza Hut pizzas, I wasn't in a mood to cook. They stayed until after 11:00 PM, we had a great time talking and sharing the challenges going on in each others lives. They have been really good friends through this whole thing.

Oh...I received a thank-you card from my CASA family while I was away. It really, really made my day. When I have it with me, I'll have to share it here.

I'm following along the tales of all my MB friends here.

Thank you all for caring...

Georgia

Georgia:



WOW! My H was ordained as a deacon...

BEEN THERE..DONE ALL OF THAT....

Enough said, right?

Onward to today..I AM SO EXCITED and want to share with you, my MB friend...

We leave Thursday for the convention of my H's company..a new company for him at which he has been working since Recovery...

HE IS BEING NATIONALLY HONORED AS ONE OF THE COMPANY'S LEADERS..They asked him to send in a picture of himself...Despite my objections, he insisted on sending in PICTURES including BOTH HIM AND MYSELF saying he could not have made his accomplishments without me...

I thought of you yesterday when my H was planting his pansy beds.. He planted a bed outside of our bedroom window and wanted me to see what he had done...I EXPRESSED MY ADMIRATION AND APPRECIATION TO HIM, GEORGIA..which he especially loved for me to do..he purrs when I do this..

Silly me..in the past, I thought he was planting those flowers for himself, to make himself happy..he was planting those flowers FOR ME...

Thanks for educating me on this, Georgia...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're welcome!!

More later...glad to "hear" your excitement!

Georgia

Incredibly, my realtor just called and told me that she spoke wtih xW last night. She says that xW told her that she is concerned about the condition of the house and where she is going to go when she has to move out.

My agent suggested that we (the 3 of us) meet at the house to see what kind of work needs to be done to get it ready to sell. So I told her that I could meet next Saturday, so she is going to set that up.

Also, she said xW doesn't know where she's going to go when she has to move out of this house. She supposedly has an agent she is working with, but apparently she hasn't found her anything yet. My agent said she would see what she could find in her price range and give her a list even if the other agent is the one who shows the properties to her.

I am SO dreading going back over to the house, this is going to be tough. It just so happens that Saturday will be EXACTLY (to the day) one year since I moved out. This is going to be hard, hard, hard.

Georgia

and to add....

The realtor told me that xW was very emotionally on the phone. She said that we may have to help her get the house ready to sell.

Now I'm having to deal with the pain of knowing that she's upset. How long does this attachment last that I'll keep wanting to run to her rescue, hold her in my arms, and tell her that I'll take care of it?

It hurts me SO much to know that this hurts her SO much.

Catch-22, isn't it?

I am sorry that she has made her life so difficult. It didn't have to be that way. All this is happening because of her own actions, yet she refuses to take any responsibility...it is all being done to her. Her life could have been so much easier... So sad.

I can imagine that it will be very difficult to be there next Saturday...even more so if you have to work on the house yourself to get it ready...with her there. I hope that in reality, there isn't anything very hard to get someone else to come out and take care of in short order. She may be exagerating or further trying to stall the process, wanting others to feel sorry for her plight.

I don't see where there's a necessity for you to go to the house.

Isn't there a trustworthy contractor that you know that you can send..maybe someone from your church?

I'm really thinking about that, Mimi. But, there is probably some grain of truth that I myself need to see what needs to be done so I can determine the best course of action to take to correct it.

Also, my attorney has advised me to get the rest of my "stuff" before we sign the final decree, because it says that we have equitably split the furniture, etc. So, if I sign BEFORE I get what we have agreed to, then she changes her mind...well, you get the point.

What I'm trying to get around to is the idea that maybe I can accomplish both tasks in one visit. I'm going to use Two Men and a Truck (the company), perhaps I can schedule them on the same day.

Georgia

Do you know what specific stuff you want?

Maybe one of your sons can do this for you..be there when the Two Men come..

It sounds like your XW will have too much of a stage for more unnecessary and nonproductive drama...

You, on the other hand, just want to GET THIS DONE AND OVER...

We have agreed to a very, very specific list. It is almost so detailed that I could hand it to the TMAAT guys and let them get it without me.

The boys are still struggling with all of this...I wouldn't ask them to do this for me. #1S refuses to even go over there when his Mom is there. He recently needed my extension ladder (which is on my list, btw). He went and got it when she wasn't home.

I am seriously considering trying to get totally out of going back over there. I don't think there is any way to express how much anxiety this is bringing on me just thinking about it. That was "our" dream home. I planted 40 dogwood trees in the back, 25 Leyland Cypress, the rose garden for her where I would cut her fresh roses and take them to her, the flower garden where she could lay in the garden tub and see blooming flowers, etc. I just don't know if I can go back over there.

(Plus...what will she say when I drive up in the Saab?)

Georgia

I think it's a GREAT IDEA not to go back...have the TWO MEN get you your stuff...

I think it's TOTALLY OK for you to MOVE ON...

YOU AND JEB..DRIVING OFF INTO THE SUNSET IN YOUR SAAB...

FGG,

I agree with Mimi. I don't think you should go back.

I know I wouldn't be able to. I am still far too emotional in spite of the ADs. Every mention, or message or picture or whatever sets me back. I still haven't been able to detach and I don't think you have been able to either.

I can understand your dreading going to the house. I hope you manage not to go.

Good Morning all -

I called my realtor back yesterday afternoon and asked her to meet with xW without me. Then, after she does to call me and give me her opinion of what work really does need to be done to get the house ready to sell. I told her that I would find a way to get it done.

She understands that I prefer not to go back and she is going to try to meet with xW before the end of the week.

I still haven't quite figured out how to get my stuff yet, but I'll think about that later.

Georgia

Well, I'm getting ready to leave for my next whirlwind tour.

My home Bible study is tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. I've got a lot of really good ideas that I hope we can discuss tonight, and it is going to fit in well with the things we've been talking about at church.

Afterwards, I am driving to ATL for the night, off to Houston tomorrow morning.

Mimi - I hope you and H have a wonderful time at his company get together. It is a real testimony to your success in that he wants you included in his photo. Enjoy yourself!!

Talk to you all later..

Georgia

I'm so glad that you decided not to go back to the house.

Thanks for your kind words and continued help to me.

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gg-
My two cents worth (and frankly, at two cents, I have grossly over-charged)
I no longer want to "save" my WxH. I certainly did for a while. We even went through a very short period of time, after OW dumped him, where he would call to cry on my shoulder. he didn't call to cry about the loss of his 18 year marraige, the respect of family and friends, that sort of stuff. he was crying about the loss of his lovely romantical relationship with OW#1. I let him call me to cry for about a week. mostly because I liked to hear about how things were not as wonderful with her as he first let on. After awhile I realized that it was not helpful for me to hear about how awful it was for him - that only made me further disgusted that he put the boys and I through so much crap for a woman who could not even hold a candle to me. So I asked him to please quit confiding in me.

About that time, I took pity on him one last time, and invited him to my 40th birthday party. Not as a date - just as a friend. I felt sorry for him. I invited about 20 friends, including a couple I knew causally for several years. The H of this couple did all the cooking for the party. I found out a month later that my WxH got into an A with that mans wife, beginning at my party. She left her H soon after, and that is who WxH is now married to. Great start to a M, don't you think?

At this point, I no longer want to help him, and only occasionally feel pity for him. he still won't take responsibilty for his own actions. Did he have a permanent change in personality? Who knows for sure.

On a happier note - I celebrated my 1 year Anniversary with my new H last friday! Such a wonderful, mighty man of God!!

Faith:

Congratulations to you on for your ANNIVERSARY!!

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WOF -

Let me add my seconds to the congratulations on your anniversary!!

I'm in Dallas right now. I logged in (I've got a company laptop now) in my room and there is an e-mail from xW. She's questioning my payment of some of her medical bills. I've replied, with no fanfare, that I believe I have paid all medical bills that I am responsible for. I told her if I've missed some bills, let me know and I'll take care of them.

This trip (so far) as been really intense. From Atlanta to Houston for a meeting, then across town to the other airport for a flight to Dallas, and now a dinner meeting in about 40 minutes.

My mind has been occupied today with work, but yesterday (especially last night's drive to Atlanta) was really hard. I keep playing those stupid tapes of the court room drama, hearing about all my shortcomings as a husband and how much "OM#2" has helped her. It seems like about once an hour I have to go through this whole thought process of why I've chosen to divorce my wife...kinda like I keep having to convince myself over and over and over....

And..then I have to fight the conflicting emotions of knowing she's crying (literally) to our realtor about not knowing where she's going when she moves out of "our" home, and I have this overwhelming desire to go over and hold her and tell her...well..that I'm sorry and I'm here for you now. But...what am I sorry for?

Okay, I admit it...I'm cracking up. Lexapro was sounding really good again last night, but I'm feeling much better today (company president sat next to me at lunch!). I managed to get through lunch without barfing or sneezing on him.

To my Texas friends....Dallas seems to be a lovely town, and downtown Houston is nice as well (first time I've been to DOWNTOWN Houston).

I still prefer San Antonio if I must be in Texas.

Georgia (which is still my favorite state)

Edited to add: WOF, did you have similar emotions about WxH, and is that why you had the brief relationship with him after your divorce?

Yes.
I recall that at the time, I did not feel "attracted to him" or "in love with him". I had been told so many times that I was never a good wife, that the boys were now from a broken home because of me, that if only I had been a better wife he would not have strayed (he also confessed that OW#1 was not the first time - that there was also a ONS, but he wouldn't give me any details). Anyway, the negative tapes played so much that I could not look at him without hearing them over and over again. I wasn't angry, or bitter, I just saw him as someone I felt sorry for - he had made a mess of his life, and I had pity for him, but I didn't necessarily want to get involved in that mess again.

but he would call, cry on my shoulder, and I didn't want to be mean, so I just listened. It was always stuff about how bad OW was, how she had him fooled all the time, how she had lied and manipulated him. How he never should have left me. I spent many hours on my knees, asking God if I should try to reconcile with him, for the sake of the boys. I knew that I was not really interested in him but I figured that it would be better for the boys if we were together, and besides, I knew that he had lost all of his friends, he was broke, and he had no respect. I figured that I could "save him" If our mutual friends saw us "back together" they would likely forgive him and try to be friends with him again. if we got back together, he could move into my house (that I bought by myself) and then he would not be so broke. I wasn't in love wtih him, but knew that I could somehow save him.
he would invite me out to dinner, but when we would go out together, he was constantly getting calls from other women, and he would actually sit and talk on his cell phone in front of me. One time I had him over for dinner, his phone rang, and he went out to my garage for about an hour to talk to some woman. When he came back into the house I said that I was going to bed, he asked to stay over, and I said no it wasn't a good idea.
right about then I realized he didn't want me. He just wanted any woman. He wasn't trying to reconcile with me - he was just looking for a single woman to hang out with.
The next day I told him that we would not be dating any longer. I said "WxH you are not interested in me - you are interested in any woman" and he said "I just don't like being alone" I said "at the very least, I would need you to stop having contact with other women" and he actually said "I have to keep talking to these other woman - I have to keep all my options open just in case things don't work out with us"
thing is, he was not prepared for the hard work of recovery. At the first sign of difficulty, he would have bolted, again. he was still just looking for a quick fix.

After that, I truly released my desire to "save him". I realized that he didn't want to be saved. He still just doesn't get it, and he doesn't get that he doesn't get it.

I don't ever feel the need to help him anymore, I have moved to another stage where I just don't want to hear about his problems, or deal with his anger any longer.

I think if I have one regret, it is that I did not make a cleaner break from him. I allowed him to stop by my house whenever he wanted to. he would walk in, sit on my couch and talk. A few times he even came in when I wasn't there (the boys were there, and let him in) and I allowed that to happen for awhile. In my mind it was best for the boys if their Dad was welcome into the house at any time.And I was also thinking that somehow we could "just be friends".

But he was a sick man - he is a sick man. He has no respect for the sanctity of M any longer (did he ever?). he is capable of saying HORRIBLE things to people, with a total dis-regard for their feelings. He says things and later claims that he doesn't remember saying it. Is that someone I would chose to be friends with? No.
But since I had left an opening, and allowed him to call whenever he wanted to talk, and stop by whenever he wanted to, I then had to re-define the boundaries. It would have been better to establish the boundaries early on, like you are now.

of course you know from my other thread that now days he continues to act like a child, throwing fits and trying to bully me to get his way.

Thanks, WOF, for your response…I truly appreciate it and it helps me to hear that I’m not the only one who has gone through this.

Strangely, I too can say that I don’t feel attracted to xW or in love with xW. Like you, I’ve heard for so many years that I was never a good H, that I have never met her needs, that no one would blame her for her EA’s with other men if they knew the kind of H that I had been, and on and on.

Also, one time xW did tell me that ever since we got married she’d had some fantasy in her mind of having an R with some other man in her life. She told me a few of the names, the first was a man where she worked the first year we were married. No PA’s that I’m aware of.

I haven’t had the experience of hearing how bad OM#2 is, or how badly he “fooled” her. However, she does sing that song about OM#1. She talks about how much she trusted him and thought he was a true friend, but he betrayed her and lied to her. I suspect it’s only a matter of time until the R with OM#2 crashes.

I, too, have thoughts about reconciling for the sake of the rest of the family. It hurts me so much to see the pain that especially #1S is going through. I have a photo of #1S and #2S standing together and they’re clowning around and having a good time. I often think that I never see that kind of attitude in their faces anymore, almost like their happiness has been taken from them.

I think that is all part of that whole dialog I have in my mind. If I got back with her (even though I don’t want to), was able to put my needs on the back burner, could I rescue her from herself and restore our family to what it previously was. But then, I get to the end of the theatrical tragedy when I remember the years of OM#1 & OM#2, the intense smothering pain of it all, and the agony of hearing how her happiness was with OM#2 but she was “stuck” with me.

And…I reach the same conclusion all over again (for the millionth time). I don’t want to go back, I want to go forward. She owns the pain that is in her possession, I don’t wish to buy it back from her and transfer it’s ownership back over to me.

I don’t ever want her in my house. That time I made the mistake of showing her around my apartment had such a “depressing’ effect as she walked throw and issued her various criticisms and condemnations. I now know that my home is my sanctuary, my place of peace and I don’t want her to come in and pollute that.

My xW is also capable of saying truly terrible and painful things to people. Suggestions to her that she shouldn’t do that were met with a reply that they just weren’t able to hear the truth. It was like she had become the sovereign center of all that is right and good, and anyone that disagreed with her was, by definition, “wrong”.

I hope that I can continue to successfully enforce the boundaries. It does seem like any occasion, no matter how minute, where I have to deal with or hear about her, causes me significant pain and depression. I just want to put up this big wall and not hear it, but sometimes I think that maybe I’m trying to “escape from reality”.

I know that I can be thankful that my S’s are grown, I’m sure it is so much harder with kids still at home.