Good Morning, folks..

It's been a very nice weekend. I was able to get a lot of work done around the house this weekend, which always makes me feel better. I had a great workout Saturday morning (went a full 10 minutes on the elliptical which is a record for me!). I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting somewhere on my workouts, even though I'm not seeing any significant weight loss.

Sunday afternoon I had the boys and their wives over for lunch. It was really nice having them together again, I enjoyed it immensely. Both S's are considering changes in their jobs and I know that it's a stressful time for them even without all of the turmoil of the divorce. But I know that they'll do well, they've both grown into being such mature young men. I am indeed blessed.

CASA is taking on a life of it's own right now. There are a lot of intense things going on with this whole family. It continues to amaze me how broken this whole DFCS thing is. Back to court tomorrow.

Sunday evening I went to the church around the corner from me. I always enjoy going there on Sunday nights, it's kinda like my little escape. I sneak in and sneak back out when the service is over. I know they must think I'm rude, but I have no intention of getting really involved or joining there, I just want to sing some hymns, listen to the sermon (which is always excellent), and leave.

I have lots of work to do this week to prepare for my trip. Jeb and I are looking forward to heading south, hopefully to warmer weather. #1S let me borrow his pair of "doggles" yesterday. I've got to discuss with Jeb the importance of good eye care and see if he will agree to wear them when the top's down.

Georgia

Awww I just have an image in my head of Jeb with shades. It is just too cute. Have fun and take a break. Hope jeb loves the beach.

Glad everything is looking up!

Good to hear things are looking up- especially with the house!

Sure wish i was in GA!

Good Morning, folks -

I just thought I'd drop by and say hello.

I went back to court yesterday related to my CASA case. That was definitely intense, this was a sentencing of the Dad related to domestic violence. I met the new DFCS case worker and I was impressed. She is a lady in her 50's, obviously tough as nails, and she was on top of the situation. She said she had been a case worker about 1.5 years and she had been there longer than anyone in her department. I hope that she can stay with the case through the duration, I think she's very good.

Jeb and I are beginning to make plans for our trip. I've got to try to get away sometime today to get him to the vet. (don't tell anyone, but I think he may have worms). Poor guy..

I'm going to take him to the beauty shop tomorrow and get him looking good. I'm going to try to pass him off as a Palm Beach pampered pooch rather than a previously homeless street-dog. (My Fair Dog?).

I'm hoping to make it back to class today. Monday and Tuesday I had too much going on here, as well as the time I took off yesterday for court, and I wasn't able to get to class.

Nothing new from xW. I've got all the papers signed to list the house and back to the realtor, but I've not talked to her again this week. And...I've heard nothing from my attorney.

That's life in Georgia today.....

Georgia

Hi FGG,

Anyhing new?

-AD

Good Morning….

Well, AD, let me see. On the D front, I got a call from the realtor yesterday afternoon saying that she has had calls from 6 agents who want to show the house NOW but xW will not return her phone calls. So….I’m trying (again) to get in touch with my attorney this morning to see what (if anything) he can / will do about it. I’m beginning to get the feeling that he’s trying to tell me to get lost…he’s not interested in me anymore.

I am quite frustrated about this, needless to say.

In other news…

Jeb and I certainly enjoyed out trip to Palm Beach this weekend. We drove all the way down with the top down on Friday (I have a sunburned face). I stopped by my alma mater on the way down and just enjoyed walking around the campus a bit.

However, it was definitely a very bittersweet trip. Friday night one of the first things I did was drove by our former house. It was so sad…where we lived when #1S was born…so many wonderful memories. I drove around the corner and was going to eat dinner at our favorite restaurant only to find a vacant lot with a sign that announced some new business to soon be erected on that lot. So I ate at MacDonald’s.

The hotel was fabulous. Jeb was impressed with the ocean and got an opportunity to mark lots of sea grapes for the very first time. He was very well behaved and didn’t bark at anyone.

BTW – having a convertible in South Florida during 80+ degree days in February is wonderful!!

Most of Saturday I spent with the couple that have been our best friends since we married. They find xW’s behavior so bizarre and just don’t understand how she could have changed so radically. Like just about everyone else, they feel like if they could just get some time alone with her then they could get through to her. I know that everyone who says that has the best of intentions, but I’m the only one who has seen how many people have tried, and failed to “get through to her”. I think they realize that the marriage is, in fact, over.

They told me that xW called last week and told them she was going to be in Orlando all this week on vacation and asked if they could come up and visit. Unfortunately, they can’t get off from work to go, but I was VERY, VERY surprised that she is taking a week long vacation to Orlando by herself. That just isn’t like her at all (but then again…do I even really know what she is like anymore?).

I headed home Sunday afternoon after going to church with our friends. The drive home was really quite depressing. I stopped at a Cracker Barrel for dinner (alone). I kept remembering how xW always liked to stop at Cracker Barrels’ when we were traveling because she liked looking at the crafts and things. It was really, really hard being there alone, eating alone, and then heading home to an empty house.

Okay, enough of a pity party for right now.

I am supposed to have my home Bible study tomorrow night, but I think I’m going to reschedule it to next Tuesday night instead. I’ve only got 2 nights at home, then I’m off Wednesday for a trip to Phoenix. I think I’d rather not have company tomorrow night, I’d rather have a day or two to recuperate and do laundry.

Georgia

FGG,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. After such a long time (at least for me it seems like years have gone by sometimes, and others that it was just yesterday) I really believe that you have to take ACTION about your recovery. That's part of what MB's about! Your personal recovery.

YOU are not to blame for your WW's EA, nor can YOU do much for her at this point. It seems hard to believe but it's the truth. Dr. Harley hasn't found a way to get WS to become "themselves" again for sure. If plan A doesn't work, he says to go to plan B and PROTECT and RECOVER YOURSELF because there is not much you can do about the WS. Unfortunately in some cases there are no other choices.

I am so grateful that I don't have any contact with WS 'cause I can imagine all the hurtful things I would say to him. As long as he is a WS I have no desire to see him or talk to him. I don't revisit the past. It doesn't help at all.

Now that I'm taking ADs, I'm emotionally more stable so I concentrate on planning the futur and I think it is the way to go. Someday I will emotionally be able to look at the past, but I won't do it until I'm ready.


You can't go back, and we can't control everything. So look to the futur and control what you can, yourself!
Make life good for you!

Hi cc -

Actually, my trip was a lot of fun, it was only the trip back that I found to be a bit depressing.

On the way down, I decided to get off the interstate and drove a long way on back roads just because I wasn't in a hurry and I like taking the road less traveled. It was warm & sunny and I was enjoying the ride with the top down. When lunch time came, I determined that I wasn't going to eat at any chain restaurant, it had to be some place unique.

I was passing through this little South Georgia town and I saw a really shabby looking building that had a hand painted sign on the side that said "RESTAURANT". It didn't have any walls....only screen enclosures all the way around and smoke was really thick around it.

I circled the block a couple of times trying to decide if I was brave enough to go in there...but I was feeling daring so I parked and went in. I told Jeb to lay low if he heard any gunshots.

Anyway, the only thing this placed served was smoked chicken and ribs. The owner, cook, waiter, etc....was standing there at this big smoker and just asked what you wanted, then you sat at picnic tables and ate off of paper plates. I had probably the best chicken I have ever eaten (for $5.95). It was wonderful...I think I still smell a little bit like smoked chicken.

Anyway, a long story...but in general things are going well, but I sometimes have these "down" moments. I'm glad I too am back on the AD's.

I've an appointment with my attorney tomorrow at 3:00 PM. The only message so far is to bring $330 to pay for the court transcripts.

Perhaps we will get this thing eventually straightened out, I hope.

Georgia

I hate this limbo! I hate being WH's wife! it's so hard!

and I still have the divorce to go thru. But I don't think about that. I'm concentrating on the good things in life and if I get a little depressed I just go out to watch the sea, or the clouds and feel so overpowered by nature that everything else seems to be less important.

these last few days, when I can, I listen to Dr. Harley. He's so so clever, he's actually wise. He's so sure of himself and has such LOGICAL explanations for everything that I'm really impressed. And he always repeats the same thing: plan A plan B.

Last week he talked of people who lose a child. Joyce doesn't like his solution at all and barely let him explain it! He says you have to try to forget the child and concentrate on other things. At least until you can view the death without so much emotional attachment. According to him, it has worked. One thing he's right about is that you can't change the past so you might as well learn from it and make a better futur for yourself. Sounds a bit cruel, but it's undeniably the truth.

Try to listen in if you can. it's very interesting.
I'm not getting him on the internet now... I'll keep trying

Good Morning...

I had a really busy night at home getting all caught up on domestic stuff (laundry, bills, etc.). I took out my frozen beans and ham for dinner (delicious!).

The realtor called last night and said that xW had just called her. She said she is out of town (yeah....she left yesterday afternoon), but she will be back Friday night. The realtor says xW told her she could show the house from 1:00 - 4:00 PM Saturday. However, she's very concerned that xW will back out at the last minute and it will be very embarrassing, plus we might lose valuable potential buyers if that happens.

She said she had one couple this week that drove by and saw the house and loved it. They were in town this week to buy a house, but they couldn't wait any longer to get in....so they bought in a nearby neighborhood.

There is no reason that xW couldn't have left a key this week with the realtor for her to be showing the house while she was out of town. The dogs aren't there and she wouldn't have been inconvenienced at all. The realtor said she could probably have sold the house this week.

Unfortunately, she told the realtor that she still hadn't found a place that she really likes and she hasn't decided yet where she's going to go. I think, IMO, it is going to take mules to pull her out of that house.

Anyway, we'll see what my attorney has to say this afternoon.

cc - I know it's hard having to go through this. I can appreciate the calming effect of the sea...I have to settle for my pond, but it is similarly tranquil.

I remember my last conversation with SH. He said if WW isn't willing to make a firm committment to you and you alone for the rest of your life, that's a real deal breaker (his words). You can't dance around the "forsake all others"....it's all or nothing.

On the children issue..and the good things of life, I try to constantly remind myself of how blessed I am to have the sons and DIL's that I have. So many people have had such heartaches in this area, and I have been so blessed.

Our friends in S. Florida have a son less than 1 year older than #1S. We were all together when he was born and that's when all 4 of us were like family. Of course, our friends have similar worldviews as us(well, me anyway) and have raised their kids in a similar manner. Anyway, he is now living with a 45 y.o. woman. He's totally forsaken his roots in every way and apparently drinks as well. Needless to say, this is very, very hard on my friends.

Anyway, much work to do to get ready for another trip.

GOOD MORNING..well...to everyone!!

Georgia

What a shame. It would have been a perfect week to have a lock box on the house so it could have been shown...or at least she could have left her the key. Frustrating, to say the least.

Georgia:

I bet you feel that I have abandoned you but I don't know what to say after reading your posts. There's so much of your PRESENT life that I basically can't relate to...

I will share with you that I am FLABBERGASTED by my continued realization of how important and crucial the ADMIRATION NEED is to my H..

It freaks me out that I have been with him all these years and am just now realizing this...

Do you think he's changed in middle-aged or has it always been so? He does so many things for me as you well know and ABSOLUTELY BUBBLES OVER WITH PRIDE AND HAPPINESS when I respond esctatically..the more POSITIVE my response..the more he does...

However, there is SOMETHING that I do..a way that I come across... that he considers DISRESPECTFUL and DEMEANING to him. I've made it clear that I don't do this on purpose and he believes me..so he doesn't remain angry with me. It's hard to explain. When I give him my OPINION or a SUGGESTION, he can very often INTERPRET this as me TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO or me thinking that he doesn't know what to do. IMO, it's not that way at all. I am GIVING A SUGGESTION..not a COMMAND or a DEMAND. I think it's in the way that I convey what I am saying or MAYBE he is TOO INSECURE..We are working on this issue...

More importantly, I am so thankful about how we are able to openly talk and work such issues out. In the past, we did the FIGHT of FLIGHT.

You see, I almost hate sharing with you how HAPPY I am right now and I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY, GEORGIA..I wish and pray such HAPPINESS for you, my friend...

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Mimi…

I just did a really long post to you only to have it disappear. More later….

I just sat in my attorney’s waiting room for 1.5 hours to find out they told him that I would be there Thursday so he wasn’t even in the office. I’ve got to go back at 10:00 AM tomorrow.

They gave me a copy of the court transcript to read.

I’m skipping pottery tonight and going to study it.

I’m off to Phoenix early tomorrow afternoon, I’ll post again when I can.

Let me say that I don’t feel you’ve abandoned me. You’re doing what you need to do which is to dispense your pearls of wisdom to those who are still in the throes of this whole mess. The fate of their marriages is still up for grabs, and they need your help.

I understand.

Georgia

Your attorney is a piece of work, thats for sure.

I haven't had a chance to post my own update, on my situation with YS, but I wanted to share with you that he has returned. I have waited to post this, to make sure he had been back for awhile first. he called me on Friday the 10th of February, and said "Mom, can I stay with you for the weekend?" and I said "yes, but you have to ask your Dad first. I do not want you just taking off like you did before. He agreed, and called his Dad. At first he wanted to stay just the weekend, but it turned into longer. To make a long story short, he was at his dads only 1 night last week, and then back again. Now he is at home, and planning to go to his Dads this weekend.
he hasn't said anything to me about why the change - but he did talk to my new H. In the car, when they were alone he said "I have done some things lately that I am starting to regret" to which my H replied "We all make mistakes,and certainly they can be forgiven. What works for us, around our house, is TALKING when there is a problem, not trying to run away from our problems." YS agreed. So, even though he has not said anything to me directly, I am glad he seems to have made amends with his step Dad. As the Step Dad, I think my H was worried that this whole mess was somehow "his fault".
As the mom, I know that my children love me, but as the step Dad his heart was full of doubts.

Anyway, end of thread jack.

Is your realtor likely to bail on you at some point?

Hi WOF -

Wow!!! That's great about your son! You can threadjack at anytime with good news like that. Congratulations...& it sounds like your new H and YS are establishing a real relationship. Excellent!!

On the lawyer front, we met this morning and had a very good meeting. He said the receptionist didn’t tell him that I was unable to come on Thursday and had made an appointment for Tuesday instead.

Anyway, he had read the transcript and seemed to be on top of it all. He’s planning on trying to have a conference with the judge before the weekend if possible. The plan is to make sure that xW keeps her Saturday appointments, and that she is to be out of the house within 30 days. Also, he’s going to ask that I don’t have to pay the March house / utility payments, only her alimony. So, I can only hope that he is able to get an audience with the judge and that takes place. He seemed back on top of it today, I can only hope I can keep his interest until this thing is finished.

(By the way the transcript was $336.00).

I don't think we will lose the realtor. She's told me that we (the Georgia family) are her best clients. She sold us the "family" house, she sold our prior house for us, she sold me my current house, and she sold #1S/DIL their house (that was being built). So, I think she will be patient with us. Plus, she really is a very nice lady.

Tonight...I am

Phoenix Guy!!

Hi Mimi…

I don’t feel that you’ve abandoned me at all. I understand that I’m in the realm of starting all over from scratch. However, I do find in encouragement in stories such as those of WOF who have moved on and found happiness and contentment in new relationships. Actually, I think right now her situation mirrors mine much the same as did yours when I was still in the heat of battle with Plan B.

Related to the ADMIRATION NEED in your H, I am glad you have discovered this about him. If I can relate my feelings (and changes over the years) then perhaps I can answer your question about your H. I know when I was a younger man, I think I placed more emphasis on career success and I got a lot of my ADMIRATION needs filled through occupational confirmation from my peers and superiors. Plus, I think earlier in my marriage I ASSUMED (perhaps a mistake?) admiration from my wife because I was busy doing the Dad thing. (Remember our long ago discussions?).

However, I’ve kind of done all that now and I think that I’ve somewhat “matured” beyond occupational admiration. I do appreciate career successes, much as I’m sure your H did on his recent recognition you were telling us about. However, it’s the RELATIONSHIP ADMIRATOIN that is much more important now that we’ve aged (and matured) a bit.

In other words…I think it’s always been there in your H but his need of YOUR admiration has probably moved more to the forefront, even as he’s continued his career successes. It is really, really good that you’ve realized this about this need in him.

From my various readings, it seems as though that ADMIRATION (or RESPECT) from his spouse is normally near the top of a man’s EN’s.

I, too, can relate to his sensitivity to your “suggestions”. Call it a character defect if you want, but I can understand how WE (men) need to come across as all knowing to our W’s, and if they take the role of offering suggestions (which we may perceive as veiled criticism), well, I can understand how he might be somewhat offended.

Are you careful to only give him your OPINION or SUGGESTION when he has asked for it?

Anyway, I don’t want you to feel awkward at sharing your happiness. I assure you that I don’t find it in any way offensive or depressing.

I’m having to fight a different battle now, not one for my marriage anymore (which is where your specialty lies), but one for my own recovery. It is indeed quite difficult, even though I think things have gone very well for me in many areas. Still, the loss of my life partner after 29 years leaves a huge void in my life.

During some of my philosophical times, I question if I had grown too dependent on her for my happiness. Perhaps my lesson to learn (at least one of them) is that perhaps I had allowed my priorities to get out of order to the point that maybe I had elevated my W too high in my life. Does that make sense?

And…I’m also having to deal, truthfully, with the somewhat mixed emotion that my dream home is about to be sold (at least I hope it is!). It does (I hate to admit this) trouble me a little that this beautiful home, probably nicer than one I will ever live in again, is about to be gone. But…I am really quite pleased with my 1400 s.f. bungalow, and I remind myself to be thankful that I have that.

Anyway, probably a lot more here than you asked for. I’m just sitting in a hotel after a 4 ½ hour flight (boy are my legs and bottom tired), and I wanted to respond to your earlier post.

Georgia

Georgia:

Your post about the ADMIRATION NEED was absolutely ON TARGET...

Thank you for validating what I've been thinking about my H..

It's so unfortunate that I have just discovered this after all these years.

I was SO CLUELESS....

I do find myself "BITING MY TONGUE"..waiting for him to ASK for my assistance..I think of myself as "HELPING" him...he perceives this as criticism...

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

My tongue is starting to get sore, though...

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Afternoon folks -

I've decided this area of the country is beauful this time of year, that's for sure. Last night after my day-long meeting I went for a LONG ride in the desert north of Phoenix and came back through Scottsdale. It was about sunset and the red hue of the mesa's was beautiful. I stopped in Scottsdale and had a wonderful dinner at a little Italian place, but it's still a bummer eating a "romantic" dinner alone (oxy moron?).

I'm on my way home now, but I have a long layover in Denver so I thought I'd stop by to say hi and also do a little work while I'm here. I'm looking forward to getting home and spending some time working on my house. I'm really beginning to get in a "spring" mode to do some cleaning and maybe painting. Plus...I'd really like to refinish the floor in my bedroom (it is currently PAINTED!).

No news at all from my attorney or the realtor. I'm still hoping that things will go well tomorrow and the house will be sold by tomorrow night.

Mimi - glad I was able to add a little more lite on the way H's (and probably men in general) tend to think. I don't know why it is that way...but that's the way we seem to be made.

I've really kind of enjoyed this trip. Spending so much time in warm locations the last 2 weeks has been nice, and I think the 80 degree & sunny days have helped to life my spirits.

I'm ready for spring....and ready to be home.

Georiga

GG,

Glad you had a great trip. Say hi to Jeb! He is such a cute dog. I have to admit this...I drive the long way to work so I can watch all the dog walkers. I also have to pet everyone's dogs when H and I go out.

I am sure you know this but keep up the pressure on your lawyer and your estate agent. I am sure the estate agent wants to sell so she is keeping the heat on your ex in a nice way. But maybe just point blank tell your lawyer that the sooner this is resolved the sooner he can focus 100% on his new career. Also why over $300 for the transcripts? That seems excessive. Is that factoring in your lawyer's time?