Hi FGG,

I wish you would post the above in a separate post!

It is a message of hope, sorely needed by ,ost who come here. When I first came here I wanted to read "success" stories and they weren't easy to find. Yours is an MB success and I think many would be interested and learn from you, and specially learn that hope is not lost.

I'm so glad for you and I'm sure you will continue being successful!

Hi cc...

I'm not sure how I would post that..or what the subject would be. However, I do hope that this message can be my contribution to all the turmoil going on here.

Georgia

I really think you should start a thread just saying that. I'm sure there are many who will appreciate it and you could share your experience.

Think about it.

Georgia,

I don't post much anymore, but I check your thread every few days.

I knew it would be like this for you - and buddy, it is only the beginning. I think you are great guy and there is much of a rich full life ahead of you.

It has been a real pleasure to get to know you through this forum.

-AD

Good Morning, folks..

Thanks, AD, for the kind words. I appreciate it.

cc - I'll consider too starting another thread maybe something to do with Personal Recovery.

Last night was the beginning of another pottery class. It was really fun but I wasn't too successful on making anything worth keeping last night. However, they did Raku one of my really cool & very large mugs last week in my absence (I had my Bible study last Tuesday night). Unfortunately I will have to miss next Tuesday night as well as I'll be traveling.

I think that this week is the last week of my landscape class. I think it has been very worthwhile and I'm looking forward to getting more involved with some of the pond businesses in other cities. I've also got to sign up for some upcoming "Pond U." sessions in neighboring cities.

Georgia

Well, I made the Brunswick Stew yesterday. Mine didn't come out very good; it was over the top sweet. I think it must have been the type of BBQ sauce I used...it should have been a not sweet type or I should have left out all the sugar because it was way too sweet. (I thought the sugar quantity sounded excessive in the recipe but followed the directions) I do think that the slow cooker might be a good way to make pulled pork.

Oh No !! I was so hoping that you would like it. I used some sort of hickory smoke bbq sauce. Even with that, I do agree that it was plenty sweet. Maybe chopping the brown sugar quantity in half would be a good idea.

BTW, I did not say you should post a thread with your "failure"!!!
On the contrary I want you to post about your SUCCESSS! Your personal recovery has been WONDERFUL!

It is unfortunate that your wife is still behaving so strangely but I'm not convinced she's a typical WW. You know I believe that there must be something else...

and I sincerely believe that you owe people here: you have to tell them about the great results you have achieved in spite of being pro-marriage and having been forced to divorce your wife.

Most people are probably scared off by the length of your thread!

Hi folks -

xW called this weekend and left me a message to please call her about financial matters. So Sunday night I called her back.

She asked if we should file jointly or single as "we are still married, you know". I didn't even explore what in the world she is thinking.

Tonight she called and I answered this time. She wanted to know if I would go out to dinner with her. I just politely told her no thanks.

Georgia

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/mb_georgiaguy/album?.dir=/18be&.src=ph

and...a few landscaping pictures...

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/mb_georgiaguy/album?.dir=/43fe

and...some pix from our FL trip...

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/mb_georgiaguy/album?.dir=/593a

Great photos, FGG!
... and a great life too!

But, it sure is sad about your XW.

I went through that with mine for awhile, but now I'm the one who wants her back and she's the one who's holding out. Probably there's a resonance to it.

By the way, since I'm not posting on my thread anymore (wherever it is), I'll give a micro-update here on yours.

I had an anxious few days lately - was laid off due to a company shutdown, but thank God, found a great new job in 10 days. I've been at the new job for 2 weeks now, and I love it. The last time I lost my job, I was out of work for more than a year. I don't know why God would take any interest in me, but it sure feels like he's taking care of me. Since I'm still getting severence, I came out ahead! I've had some bad mood swings the last week (I suppose due to the stress of all this) - was really down last night, but feeling better today.

-AD

Hi FGG,

There's something safe and homely about your thread...I hope you don't mind this "lodger" popping in occasionally.

It's very sad about your XW...you must shake your head in disbelief.

Looking at your pictures were just what I needed today to cheer me up. I laughed out loud at Jeb's photo's...finally we see his doggles....he doesn't look daft though he looks like a dog model! Look at him posing...hehe.

Off to work now...thanks to Jeb for putting a smile on my face <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning folks...

AD - I'm so sorry to hear about your job, but I'm glad things have worked out for the new one.

About your xW, do you think things would be different if you had her back? Sometimes I have to remind myself of what life was like..and how nothing has changed (as far as I'm aware).

I'm getting ready to leave for a 3 day trip to Kansas City. Looking at the weather map, it looks like this GA GUY is going to going to see some cold weather and snow.

Georgia

So cute! When I figure out the picture posting thing I want to put some pix of our dog in her yellow rain slicker.

Good Very Early Morning from the Cold Mid-West:

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about cc’s comments regarding me adding a thread discussing my personal recovery. I’ve really had a lot of mixed emotions about doing such a thing.

It just so happens that at about the same time my #1 mentor nailed her now famous “IS IT ME OR WHAT?” treatise on the church door. Part of what she had to say:

“MB seems a lot different than when I first came here...

… count on finding folks to encourage me to have HOPE and NOT TO GIVE UP ON MY MARRIAGE OR MYSELF...

The MB FORUM espoused a DIFFERENT MESSAGE than what I HEARD OUT HERE IN THE WORLD...

The message out here was GIVE UP..MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE..DIVORCE IS OK....”

She was careful to note that she was not saying that those who divorced had failed.

But…sometimes I just feel like there may be someone, somewhere out there who may look at me and say “wow…Georgia divorced and he’s okay. Maybe it’s not that bad after all…”, and that message scares me. I don’t want to be one of those folks who come to this board and minimize the impact of divorce, or sound like I’m “justifying” it. I suppose that I would still have a hard time “justifying” my divorce, other than to say that I know that I had played the Hosea* role as long as I could.

(* Old Testament book in which Hosea is commanded to “go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms…(1:2)” and then “he went and took Gomer…(1:3)”. Sorry for the hotel room Gideon’s KJV language, but I didn’t bring my NAS with me on this trip.)

But…I suppose any message I would give would be bittersweet (about time to dust off that word and use it again).

Yes, I have discovered now that I can be happy without my wife. This is something that I didn’t really think possible when I was going through all the turmoil of the whole mess. I thought my happiness, peacefulness, and contentment were history. I could REMEMBER when I used to be happy, but I couldn’t conceive of being happy again. So…in one sense I want to express a message that divorce, if it is unavoidable (and only you know in your own mind…when you are alone with God and not trying to fool anyone) doesn’t mean the end of a meaningful life, that indeed it can be a new beginning.

That was the “sweet” part, now for the “bitter”.

Everything in your whole life changes, in ways that I didn’t even imagine. There are SO many experiences that no other person on the planet shares with me except xW. There are thoughts, memories, songs, friends, extended family, pets, vacations, hurts, deaths, accidents, illnesses, births, the list is endless…that I could TELL you about…but xW KNOWS these things because we experienced them together and she is, and always will be, a part of them.

This thought I’m trying to express is that there is a lifetime of history that can never be replicated in any relationship with another person. It’s almost like your body is split in half and the two halves go in separate ways. (The 2 shall become 1…).

Today I began reading “Surprised by Joy” which is somewhat of an autobiography of C.S. Lewis. His mother died at the age of 45 from cancer when Lewis was 10 y.o. He had been extremely close to his mother, but never close to his dad. He summarizes the change in his life as follows:

“With my mother’s death all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable, disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of Joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis.”

His words express so aptly what I am trying to express. If I can use the same thoughts in regards to the death of my marriage, you can begin to grasp what I’m getting at. There is fun, there are pleasures, but it’s not the “old security” I enjoyed BEFORE all this stuff with OM#1 (like a cancer) begin to spread and led to the eventual death of my marriage. But, in much the same way that Lewis had no control over the death of his mother, I feel I had little control over the death of my marriage.

Okay, so what message am I sending to those showing up here that have been / are being beaten to a mental pulp by their wayward spouses? I suppose it would be that your marriage is worth saving simply because there is no one, absolutely no one, who can ever take the place of your spouse. However, if you cannot save your marriage (and from experience I believe that there are marriages that will not be saved), then know that there can be a pleasant, peaceful, and rewarding life without your spouse.

I don’t know if this counts as encouragement….or a warning. I’ll let the reader decide.

Would I divorce her again if I knew everything I know now? YES.

Georgia

FGG,

You said
The sad but true fact is that your exW does NOT know. That is why you are divorced. She either forgot, or she chose to rewrite the things you remember. If she had not, you would not be divorced. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You did not fail FGG, your W forgot. It is truely a sad thing.

God Bless,

JL

FGG,

I really wuld like you to start a different thread with exactly these thoughts.

After more than a year I am coming to the same conclusion, and the same feelings. If I had not found MB, I would not have had hope of ever reaching this point and I would NEVER have acquired all the knowledge (which is still very little)about relationships which I wish I had known right at the beginning of my adulthood.

In my opinion, Dr. Harley's main point is that there is a RIGHT or BETTER way to survive an affair than just let things happen. Without MB concepts most people do still "survive" an affair, but ther whole lives afterwards are NEGATIVELY affected by it and so are their futur relationships unless thereis some intervention by professional who have the kind of understanding of relationships and marriages Dr. Harley has.

In my case, I don't think ANYONE including the priest I have talked to and the psychiatrist, can understand WHY I haven't asked for a divorce, why I insist on continuing to be and behave as WH' wife.

Of course this won't go on forever and the point of Dr. Harley's brilliant plan B is to become a BETTER person while you wait for the 2 years during which you have a chance to recover your marriage and be prepared to have a GREAT relationship in the futur with or without your spouse.

It's quite SIMPLE but BRILLIANT!

And its exactly what you have achieved.

That's why I would like you to write for the newbies and tell them your experience. There are a lot of people in recovery but there aren't too many who have fought for their marriage as you have and have survived successfully.

I have to go to work but I will be back later.

That was a very touching post. You express yourself well. You are a man to be admired and respected. You are a survivor.

I agree that you should post these words on a new thread too. I am certain you can compose them in a way that wouldn't offend or contradict the MB principles in the least.

FGG,

I have never posted to you before but I do read your thread. As I was reading this last post of yours it brought tears to my eyes. You said :


These are my exact feelings and thoughts about my life. Even though I am not divorced yet but its coming as WH seems very determined to do this. You have to wonder do these things mean anything at all to the WS. How can anyone forget or pretend these thing mean nothing to them. especially in a long term marriage with more than half of your life spent together.

One thing I do believe though FGG, is that in time as we the BS'S come to grips with this all and move into a content and happy life thats when all of these memories and feelings will hit the WS. We will be so far ahead of them in this that they won't be able to catch up no matter how hard they try.

For me you have been an ispiration, someone who took what life threw at him and came out on the other side a wiser and more gentle soul. God has blessed you with a kind heart and you will walk the path he has chosen for you.

I admire your strength and courage, and I hope to someday grow up to be like you in that way....

Take Care,

Hurting

My FWH refers to this as being his "HISTORY". He has frequently indicated that it was a DEALBREAKER when he realized that the OW DID NOT SHARE HIS HISTORY and that he would no longer be able to discuss this HISTORY with me because I had made it clear to him that I WOULD NOT BE HIS FRIEND if we divorced. The OP definitely is in THE PRESENT... the WS is living MOMENT TO MOMENT..much of the time.

HURTING AND OTHERS..from LT marriages..the KEY is for the WS to BELIEVE that there can be a FUTURE with you AFTER THE AFFAIR...Can the BS forgive and forget and move on?.. Can the WS really forget/get over/withdraw from the OP?.. Have I gone too far too turn back now?..I think these are some of the issues that the WS is considering before reconciling..

Well, this is an important concept that Steve Harley helped me to learn..about the differences between the PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE...

Although my H and I share a past together, what is most important TODAY is THE PRESENT.. COMBINED WITH OUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE...We are constantly talking about what we will do FUN TONIGHT (which was the AFFAIR SCENARIO I would guess)... AND how we will move towards the ENDPOINT TOGETHER...thinking about travel plans and retirement homes, etc...Talks about OUR PAST come in when discussing PLANS FOR THE FUTURE....Will we live near the children?..What was your favorite house..What did you like about it, etc.....

I still can't help but think of Georgia's wife as being a special case..I think she's DELUSIONAL..BIPOLAR..WHATEVER..We've had this discussion before..I want to wring her neck..SO CONFUSING... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Praying that the Lord will bring that special person into Georgia's life for him to share his FUTURE with...

WE HAVE ABOUT 30 GOOD YEARS LEFT..I learned this at a conference last month...the mind really starts going downhill after 80... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />