Trix:

It was on the old thread before this new forum....

FGG:

She got a sister?...


...wait a minute, *I'm* not available, either!! So, don't answer that.

Funny, I'm a guy, and yet my feminine in2ition told me the same thing - that you've been quiet because you've been involved, and when you told us you were I also immediately remembered the P.A.

She does sound like a wonderful gal, though...

...all the more reason 2 make certain that your cards remain openly on the table for all 2 see, and that you take things slowly.

If... ...no, when your xW "wakes up" and realizes what she's lost and wants it back, what will you do? How will your choice affect her? The P.A.? Your sons? ...you?

You were M'd 29 years. The As spanned a big percentage of that time. Like my W's 12-yr LTA, it's going 2 take your W a very long time 2 recover from hers, once she starts.

Don't be surprised if your xW starts making over2res sometime between now and 3 or 4 years from now... ...it happened 2 Spacecase. And just make sure you're firmly "where you're at" when that happens, whatever that entails.

best,
-ol' 2long

I didn't get the impression that Georgia's WW's affairs spanned a big percentage of his marriage...

Just for clarity's sake, 2Long....

Mimi:

No? Wasn't the first one several years ago, spanning a while? And this one is how old now?

My W's A lasted about 4 or 5 years, then they didn't speak for about 5 years, then restarted for another 3. 2 me, that's a 12-yr A (15 if contact is still going on), and either number is a "big percentage" of our 30-yr M.

Just 2 give you an idea where I'm reckoning from...

-ol' 2long

2:

One of my major weaknesses is recalling numbers..have to write them down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However, in general, Georgia "reports" MANY years of being happily married and then a BRIEF period including 2 different EAs.

I only vaguely recall something about that...my search hasn't turned it up yet. Was there much discussion about it at the time? Was it in the fall/winter of '04 or early '05? Oh well.

Trix:

I don't have much time today.

He used to be Georgia Guy.

It is okay, I found his former thread and read a bit, just didn't find that reference in the search.

How do you go about finding a former thread, Trix?

Just curious.

I have old notable posts thread bookmarked and went in that way. The thread has his current name.

Here is a link to the thread:

FGG's thread on the old forum

You can also do a simple search for the login name or a phrase, and set the search to go back the past 2 or 3 years.

I've found some really old friends that way.

-ol' 2long

Goddess math...If I remember correctly, FGG's WW had two nearly back-to-back EA's...coming to five years...about one sixth of the marriage...at the end of it.

And I'm really, really glad it wasn't the woman from the airplane.

I forgot about the P.A.

And yes, 2Long...if FGG doesn't want to re-enact, then all cards on table, holding himself accountable; which will grow our beloved FGG...for none of the reasons he thinks we adore him...and help him to not re-enact his marriage.

His choice. Still beloved.

LA

Okay...I see what you are all saying. Obviously, I'm not a moron who is going to say this is all okay. I know better.

When I said a couple of weeks ago that I am doing my soul searching, this was what it was in reference to.

There is no way that I'm going to try to justify anything. I'm planning on using the upcoming week of relative solitude (except for that pesky job I have) to consider all of this, pray about my future, where I go from here.

I'm beginning to feel like the dust is settling a bit in my life (subject to change tomorrow I suppose). And....I really to struggle with what is "right" to do from here. I've made mistakes...no question about it. I've done some things right, no question about that either.

I would indeed like to hear your thoughts...what you have to say. If you'll discuss without too much condemnation, I'll welcome (and even solicit) comments.

I will say this. As far as the "what if's" concerning xW, I'm done with that. That is out the window, I'm no longer interested.

Length of time? First EA began in 1999, ended in 2001. Second began in 2003....still on-going. Roughly 25% of our marriage, so I don't know if that constitutes a "large percentage" or not, but that's the number.

Back to the other subject...I really would appreciate a dialog this upcoming week. I vascillate between saying I need to end this relationship right now...and then later thinking that she and I could have a happy and content last 1/2 of our life together. I don't think either of us are interested in marriage until her kids are out of the house (5 years).

I came home after lunch today and slept for 2 hours (best way to deal with conflict, eh?). I've spent the rest of the afternoon getting packed, doing laundry, cleaning house and car, etc...

We're having a dinner at church tonight for folks that have been involved in various mission activities of the church (kind of a "thank you"). And, yes, she'll be there.

Okay, I'll be checking back in from time to time, off to Illinois Sunday after church. Interesting enough, I was asked to teach S.S. this Sunday which will be the first time I've taught since the separation. The lesson this week is on "Godly Wisdom". I wish I felt qualified to teach such a lesson.

Georgia

No condemnation from me!
And I certainly won't be able to throw any stones. For a short amount of time, I actually "dated" the OW's H. Thankfully, that lasted only a couple of weeks. After my D I dated a single man for about 6 months, but that did not end well.

Of course, now I am married to the most wonderful man in the world!

I will add a couple of comments, just things to think about.
These are things that I knew at the time, but ignored, and later on I said, "I should have known better"

1. Rebound relationships rarely last. I know this thought has crossed your mind. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. But you came into this R from an extremely vulnerable position. You were bruised and hurting. It had been a long time since anyone had paid attention to YOUR EN's. A simple smile, a few kinds words, would go a long way with you. Trust me, we ALL understand this. The thing is, it is really hard to be objective, when you are so vulnerable. A simple smile, a few kinds words, and you melt. From that point of view, it is easy to over look potential red flags.

2. Most of the advice you will get from experts, books, pastors, etc, will tell you that R's that start before your D is final, and/or "rebound" type relationships, have a very low success rate. Here again, there will always be exceptions to every rule, but MOST of these types of R's will not last. For just a minute, step back and look at this situation from the outside, as if you were a friend looking into your life.

3. You cannot let your sons decide for you. It will be difficult for them to see Dad "date" anyone, at any time. BUT you still need to give some thought to what they are saying right now. If they both have apprehensions, there may be a reason for it. They may see something you don’t.

4. Marriage is a lot of work. Even with the best of beginnings, M is a lot of work. I know that right now you are saying that you plan to date for 5 years, not thinking of M, etc. But the reality is, you are over 40, getting closer to retirement, and a Christian man. It would be very hard to remain single, "dating", and not "living together" for 5 years. I am going to be VERY blunt here. When you were married, you were used to having a physical R. Granted, the frequency had slacked off a lot, and eventually disappeared, but the fact still remains that you are used to being in a R that involves physical intimacy. To now go into a R with someone that is supposed to last for 5 years, where you live in separate places, and continue to sleep alone, go home to an empty house, etc, that will be tough to do for another 5 years. Not impossible, but tough.

On the other hand, lets say you did decide to go ahead and marry Lynn within the next year or so. Lets say you two decide that you do want/need to be together, and you know that you should not "live together" so you marry. It is very difficult to raise a stepchild. NOT impossible, but still difficult. There are a lot of joys that come with it. But also some harsh realities. I adore my stepchildren, but the fact is that I hear my stepdaughter talk about "My mommy does ___" all the time. And, if she had been my daughter, at age 2-5, I would have insisted that she eat everything on her plate, including her vegetables, instead of letting her have cereal for dinner every time she says "I don’t like this". But she was not my daughter from age 2 - 5, so there are habits that are started, that I cannot intrude upon now. Do you see what I am saying? The vegetables are just a small thing, a small example. I know there will be challenges in the teen years, when I feel strongly about certain issues, but her Mom does not agree with me. And all of these disagreements will put strain on our family. My H and I are working hard right now to build a good, strong foundation. We are reading all the right books, going to the marriage seminars, bible studies, you name it. And still, I will tell you that there are moments where I just would say, "raising step children is hard work" it is a heroes job.

Also, let me say that the emotional business with your Ex is not completed. You can say it is all you want. I know better. I am not saying that you would, or could, get back together. There are other issues involved. Stuff like - getting to the point where you no longer feel sorry for her, no longer want to rescue her. Getting to the point where you would not hug her for a long time, and then get in the car and cry. Your next wife, who ever she is, will need for you to complete all the old business before you can be the full time, Godly leader she needs you to be.

Finally, I am not sure how to describe this, but you both will bring extra emotional baggage into this R that you are not seeing just yet. I have always been very positive, happy, upbeat, emotionally strong and stable. But after all I have been through – the smallest little thing can set me off crying! We all will bring some of our past memories from past relationships, into our new R. You will. And so will she. Some of this will be good, some bad. I guess the reason I bring this up is to just say, make sure you both are as emotionally healthy as possible.

I remember when I “broke up” with the guy I had dated for about 6 months (this is before I met my current H). I cried for 2 weeks. It felt much like D day all over again. Be careful. Your heart has been broken, and it is easier to break again. So is hers.

FGG -

Follow your heart, plain and simple... Being content just won't do it though. Gotta have that special feeling for the lady if it's gonna work. You're comment "and then later thinking that she and I could have a happy and content last 1/2 of our life together." makes me wonder if this is more of a rebound relationship.

On a side note - Are you goping to be in Bloomington/Normal Illinios? If so, I can give you a good pizza, chinese, and italian sub recommendations!

Blessings to you FGG.

Gib

Thank you, WOF...

I always appreciate your candor and insight.

Yes, the thing with kids is definitely something I've thought about a lot. As you say...they may seem like little things but I know they could snowball quickly.

Ex.: We always taught the boys to use mam, sir, etc....
It is rare that her kids do that and it just drives me up a wall to hear her 13 y.o. son say "what" or "huh" instead of "pardon me" or something to that effect. However, as you say, I could never jump in now with martial law and decree that he suddenly improve his manners.

I am not, I repeat not, anxious to raise any more kids.

I will go back and read over these posts a lot in the next week. This is really on my mind a lot right now, and I feel like it's "time to fish or cut bait" (all ya'll Southerners will understand).

Focus of the lesson Sunday is Proverbs 2 - 3 in case you would wish to comment.

Georgia

Georgia:

Are you IGNORING me?

If so, what's the use in me investing my precious time and energy posting to you.

If it is because you are assuming that this is about CONDEMNATION, I want to assert.. . that is not the case.

I would appreciate you responding specifically to me.

I am sure that you know exactly why I am saying this.

Of course, I wish you love and happiness in your life.

However, it is not OK to deny that when a MARRIED man is involved in an emotional/physical relationship with ANOTHER WOMAN, he is having an AFFAIR.

Key principle here....OPENNESS AND HONESTY.....

FGG, you've made it fairly clear in the past that you'd prefer I don't comment on what your choices are, so I'll refrain from commenting and merely ask you a question for you to consider.

What's the rush? Ever heard the MB "rule" of waiting at least 2 years AFTER a divorce before......? I'll leave the "fill in the blank" to you because you already know those answers....but you are in denial right now, it would appear.

God bless.

If you discussed your marital problems with her (a person of the opposite sex)before you were divorced, she discussed her relationship problems, she cried over the injustice of your problems with your wife,if an EA (or PA) developed prior to the divorce...then I would define that as an affair.

Thus, if your sons know that you were involved with Lynn prior to the divorce they will have a very difficult time ever accepting her or being happy for you within that relationship. I wouldn't blame them. One might chalk it up to bad timing or poor choices. Understandable because of your vulnerability within a difficult time in your life...but we don't want to be justifying an A.

I'd say, since you say you'd have to wait five years to marry anyway, and you aren't anxious to be her kid's step parent, then it would be best to end it now and see how you feel about her in 5 yrs, or at least a couple of years. You will be less likely to be in a rebound relationship and you will give your 29 yrs former marriage a chance to recover if by some miracle your XW has an epiphany within that time. You really haven't come close to healing from the DV and the pain you've been in because of your wife's affairs etc.

We all want what is best for you as we would a brother. We all hope for a happy rest of your life for you. We know you crave companionship you've done without for some time already.

I could see your son's accepting and embracing a woman in your future after a period of healing has taken place for all. After all you've been through I doubt you want to lose your son's respect at this point. I don't believe either will always think you should remain single and celibate for the rest of your life. That is absurd, IMO.

You have been an example (which includes Christian morality) to your sons and they have always respected you as their father. But the decision whether or not to continue with Lynn has more aspects than just your sons reactions to consider.

FGG:

It would seem 2 me that focusing your efforts at this time on dealing with your conflict avoidance would go a long way 2ward solving your other problems now - in relationships and on this 4um.

-ol' 2long