These are the sentences that I am referring to that sound like my FWH or any WH for that matter...



This was my FWH's rationalization for his affair..to let his hair down....



You are rewriting history. You told me about fun-filled trips with your wife in the past.



This is where it gets scary. Of course, she seems wonderful compared to your X-wife. Would she look so wonderful if there wasn't a WW?



So plan a dinner with Lynn, your sons and their wives and her children. That would be your REAL life. Or would you not have family gatherings any longer? Would you isolate yourself from them? FANTASY, GEORGIA.. Let's get real!!!



FOG....

Georgia, I feel like I'm beating you up....but I have lived this and heard this....

So....doc (no offense)..

Give me mimi's step-by-step guide to recovery..

Maybe that depends on whether or not you want to get back your honor and self respect (
especially in the eyes of your sons). The way your R started made it an A.

It is a shame you messed the beginning of this R up with an A...thus dooming it for now, IMO.

When you described your questioning who you really are you sounded very much like a man in a MLC and foggily involved in an A. And now you are DV'd. Not that I think you will be reconciling with your XW any time soon...or ever.

I agree with 2longs assessment about it being a rebound without time to allow yourself to process all the changes in your life etc.

You may want to get SH's advice for a more objective opinion on your situation.

Okay, I'm tired and getting ready to go back to the cottage.

Mimi....are you still there? I don't want to leave if your still posting.

I'm not a professional on this..referring to your doc comment...

However, I will give my opinion.

Looking at this from a MB point of view, I think you simply had an A. You were vulnerable. Your WW definitely was not meeting your needs. There was someone there who was ready and willing to meet your needs..someone to whom it did not matter whether you are married or not. I don't see the pattern as being different than other affairs that we talk about on here except you have gone ahead and gotten a divorce.

I think there are issues that you need to face about your own and Lynn's character. What kind of person would start a R with her pt.'s husband? I have real issues with that as you may guess for all kinds of reasons that are unnecessary to go into at this point.

I don't think you will see Lynn negatively at this point.

I would say to EXPOSE this. Bring your R out into the open. I was serious about that. Let your sons meet her. Do plan a dinner. Try to make her a part of your life. Introduce her to your parents.....

See what the relationship is like when you bring it out into the open.

I don't see you ending the R with her yet. You may feel the need to but as is true of others involved in affairs this will be hard for you to do...

Hasn't this R lasted over a year?

Plus, as a Christian, you need to make your amends..to repent..to say you are sorry to your wife because you had an affair when you were married to her. Even if she does not ask your forgiveness, is it not true that you are called to do that to her? Maybe she can learn from your example.

I've called MB and left a message to call back for an appointment. I just need to stick my head out of the hole and get serious about this.

You are WAY behind. #2S/DIL never want to meet any other woman that Dad is involved with...and that includes Lynn. #1S doesn't want to meet her....#1DIL thinks it's great that I've found someone else.

My parents think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. (to be expected, I suppose, since WW went over and told them what lousy in-laws they had been and how she should have never married me).

Others who know her are extremely fond of her. Except for xW, it is exposed.

I'm sorry...my head is full right now.

Thank you all. I still pray...I hope you all will do the same.

Georgia

Great!!

I hope you won't keep downplaying how early on you became involved with Lynn...

I'm sad for you and your family and will definitely continue to pray about this.

I think this is tragic....as all of this stuff is....

When did this get exposed to XW? Seems like just a few posts ago you stated that she didn't know. Did your son's expose or did you call your XW and tell her?

Will pray for you too.

I am glad you are making an appointment with SH.

Trix:

He's saying exposed to everyone except XW..I suspect she knows.

Hi FGG,

In explaining a some event, there are two kinds of things we say. I'm not sure how to define them, but I'll try to put labels on them.

1) Genuine justifications.

When you shoot the armed man breaking into your house through your child's bedroom window, it might called "justified".

2) Rationalizations.

When you shoot a guy you've always envied because he has succeeded where you failed, and then say he was attacking you, it is a rationalization.

When you think carefully about the course of the last year and a half, I think you will find a mix: some justified actions and some simply rationalized. The "fog" is the factor that makes one's own rationalizations look to him/her like justifications.

I'm not your judge.

Jesus said that divorce is not justified except in the case of adultry. Your xw says that you were not justified in divorcing her. Adultry in the form of an EA we have in many cases here on MB come to accept as sufficient provocation - especially when it is prolonged and the participants unrepentant. So, let us assume that you were justified in divorcing her. Now, it is the most common thing for someone beginning an affair to tell their A partner "We are getting divorced. My marriage is over. Only the paperwork remains." Usually it is only a rationalization (or a plain old lie). In your case, it was true. Whether or not it was a justification for your actions, I cannot say.

But, I'm not very interested in your story anymore.

-AD

FGG, you may want to consider adding a couple more points;

4. You are human and you have gone through a very traumatic event and you may "feel okay," but you are not yet "back to normal" despite how you are feeling.

5. NONE of us "does it perfectly." When we "mess up" we "fess up" and take it to the Lord and learn. God WILL use all things in our lives to work for good in the life of those who love Him.

God bless.

How do we address this situation biblically?

Georgia, himself, was having an A at the time of his divorce. Does it matter that Georgia's A was most probably even a PA whereas his xW's was an EA.

It is so unfortunate, IMO, that Georgia's xW has been made into such a "BAD GUY"...I wonder what her perspective would be if she posted here...

As you all know, including you, Georgia, I have held on to some sympathy for her. Now I feel that my thoughts about her had some grounding.

I feel that she was betrayed my her healthcare provider's office, for one thing....

I shudder to think about how she may have had confidence in Lynn at some point....I hope she is not continuing to seek care there and should definitely know about what has transpired so that she consider whether to go elsewhere.

I wonder if Georgia has been open and honest with her in the past...

I know this is a forum and Georgia is a stranger to me but I feel betrayed and deceived....

Confirms for me how we all have to be watchful and alert in our dealings with others....

I certainly have lost my naiveness and have developed increased cynicism over the past few years...

Is this true of any of you?

This confirms the necessity of alertness and vigilance..

Mimi....this is going to be very, very difficult. SH's office has called already, but I'm going to have to call back to make the appointment. I don't have the privacy of my own office here like I do in GA.

I'm feeling like your post is directing others to jump on the band wagon to bash me. I am bashing myself enough for everyone else, but if you feel like it's necessary...have at it.

Every comment I see that let's me know how I've let others down just drives another dagger in me...and it hurts.

Of course, you will be justified in saying that I deserve and have brought it own myself.

Georgia:

Take this as a learning experience, Ok.

Just because I am unhappy and disappointed with you right now does not mean that I am trying to do anything.

Feelings just are and this is how I am feeling.

I think it will be helpful for you to learn to bear with negative feelings.

This is OPENNESS and HONESTY..TRANSPARENCY..this will be necessary in your future intimate relationships with the REAL people in your life.

Why are you not supposed to hurt, Georgia?

What makes you special?

This does not mean that I am trying to beat you up.

I am praying that you will learn from this.

Am I not speaking the truth in some of this?

It is important to deal with REALITY.

We will not be helping you if we ENABLE your denial process.

Remember, I care enough to speak honestly with you, a stranger, about how I am feeling and how I really perceive this.

Plus, speaking as a RECOVERING CONFLICT AVOIDER, it is not OK for me to flee from my negative feelings.

Don't take this as me YELLING at you or BASHING at you.

If we would be talking face to face, I would be speaking calmly without raising my voice.

I have learned to do this sooo well and my FWH actually LISTENS....

So for me, it is no longer FIGHT OR FLIGHT....

Frankly, this is still very much a struggle for me. I want to avoid conflict and negative feelings at all costs. It has occured to me (no surprise to you, I'm sure) that I could just leave here and never come back.

What I really, really want out of this is to someday, somehow realize my dream of having a family, grandkids, etc....

Perhaps this is "blame shifting", but I allow myself to get angry with xW over this. I feel like it is NOT FAIR that my dreams had to go up in flames just so she could chase around other married men while bashing me and telling me how wonderful they were.

My (former) attorney once said that he had learned over the years that redbirds marry redbirds. Maybe I'm just offering further evidence of that.

Funny about your fight or flight thing. The things that go through my mind are that the job in San Antonio might not be so bad...I could start all over, etc. Of course, that's not realistic as I still have kids & parents. Anyway, I definintely still think in that realm.

Other much, much less important news. Mrs. Reese's D left me a message yesterday telling me they are going to sell her house. They said she needs the money to pay her assisted living bills. I found that to be rather disheartening.

Georgia

I have followed FGG's posts from the start and have tried, desperately, to remain quiet regarding his recent revelation - I can be silent no more, so get ready to throw your flames at me, but know that I intend to ignore them....

Whether what FGG is doing is appropriate or not, is not the purpose of my post. I would just like to make the observation that some of the responses to his most recent revelation seem to be a bit "over the top" or "intense" for a message board acquaintance. In fact, some of these posts sounds as if there is some sort of emotional attachment to FGG and the offense (although not acknowledged) is not to the choices he has made but to the fact that he is in a relationship at all. I would also note that some of the posts come from people who have not walked the divorce path through to completion and do not know the turmoil that wreaks on a soul above and beyond the turmoil already wrought by the affair. Long and short, perhaps some need to check their true motivations for the lengthy messages regarding how FGG "let them down." He's human for gosh sake and, unless you have some sort of emotional attachment to him, the intensity of the posts is unexplainable and almost scary.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

Mimi, back when you were playing devils advocate in defense of FGG's STBXW, I wasn't convinced there was good reason to take the stance you were. You were right, I was wrong. You have better intuition than I do. There was in fact more to the story than we were privy to.

I feel like I've been gullible. It's been an eye opener. I didn't want to believe FGG's motives weren't completely honest or justified under his circumstances. I guess I tend to give too much benefit of the doubt. I did that with my H while I tried to deny to myself signs the last A.

FGG...KiwiJ...odd times on MB. Things aren't always how they are presented here. We are all capable of spinning and our own rationalizations. It takes great courage to be transparent and completely honest.

FGG, it is quite interesting to read your justifications and hear stuff my FWH said about his OW. He thought she was an angel. I believe she was a snare sent by the evil one...not to relieve him of his own part in the destruction of OW's marriage.

Well, yes, if you are talking about me, I do have "SOME SORT OF" emotional attachment to Georgia.

I have been posting to him regularly for quite a long time. I think "SOME SORT OF" emotional attachment would be normal.

I have the same "SORT OF" emotional attachment to a lot of folks on this board...Mel,Eav,Hurting,Slammed,MM,Susan,Pep, River Tam,Orchid,Neak,CC,JL,Forever,WAT..just to name a few..and I am sorry if I left anyone out....

I could not post SINCERELY here without "SOME SORT OF" emotional attachment..whatever you call it..EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT(?) in cyberspace.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I, personally, think that's a normal and expected human reaction...my opinion...

I feel the same way about all the people that I post to regularly and that post to me.

Folks on here have helped me tremendously. I will forever be grateful. I am positive that it took lots of EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT (that's what I am calling it now) on their parts.

Sorry it scares you Brit's Brat....


Having been touched traumatically by infidelity in my life, as others here, I don't take affairs/deception lightly and become "SORT OF EMOTIONAL" when the subject arises....

To expand on Brit's Brat's post....

Some of the responses to GG sound very much like one from someone involved in an emotional affair.

I also find the post:

"... Does it matter that Georgia's A was most probably even a PA whereas his xW's was an EA."

Assuming a lot, since GG has not divulged this.