It 2k a real man 2 do what you did, FGG.

My heart goes out 2 you and your family in this difficult time.


...and Jeb, 2!

-ol' 2long

FGG,

I'm stunned.

Wow.

<sigh>

I feel like crying for you, man. I don't know how you did that.

<Deep breath.>

...

I'm sitting here for 10 minutes, just lost for words.

-AD

FGG,

I am sorry it has come to this, but given your beliefs, your moral code, I think you have made a wise decision. I wish you peace and happiness. You have done a hard thing, but I think you know it is right.

God Bless,

JL

FGG,
I don't really know what to say. I think you have made the right choice, I hope in a few months, a year or two you will be happy you made this decision because ou will be in a much better personal place. Believer is a great example of how that place is reached. At least I believe Believer, and many others here. I admire the kind of people they have become.

That's what I want to be like!

We'll be here if you need to talk, but you know that, and you have the strength to do what has to be done.

Good Luck with the restorations!

(((((Formerly G.G.)))))

Resting and waiting on God is not always easy.
Thank God for the Comforter that lives with us.

Romans 8:28 may help during these "raw days" of feelings. Jesus knows those feelings and has promised to be "with you" always.

God bless.

Georgia:

Thanks for checking back with us. As you said before, you could have just gone away.

I truly admire what you have done. All that you have been through must have been very difficult for you. This life is hard, isn't it? The key is to keep believing and trusting in HIM.."Leaning on the everlasting arms..safe and secure from all alarms.." (Old Hymn in my Baptist Hymnal)....

I have other thoughts and questions. I'm not sure how worthwhile my other comments would be. You might find them to be hurtful at a time when you feel pained enough...

I would ask you one favor, though.

You said:



If you can recall, it would be really be helpful to me (and perhaps others) to learn what Steve Harley had to say.I understand that you might not able to be precise..but just his general drift. Also,it does not much matter to me whether you agreed with him or not. I won't necessarily discuss that with you. It would help with my continued learning and growth, if you don't mind, if you share his point of view on this.

Take good care.

Georgia,
Very sad, but very wise. (((((((((sigh)))))))))))
And, funny thing about the cards. My H did the same thing. In the beginning, the cards were beautiful, romantic. Once the EA really got entrenched, the cards were "funny." After I warned him the first time (3 yrs ago) that I had a lawyer, they became polite. Polite! This year, Mother's Day, thankfully there was no card. No card to pull away at the scab.

I know it will get better for me. And I know things will improve for you too.

GG,

Proud of you man! That was a tough row to hoe.

Now you have some time to start the "sawdust" theropy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good Luck and enjoy!

I KNOW how hard this is.
I haven’t gone into a lot of detail, but there was the man I dated for about 6 months, after my D. I can look back now and see a lot of red flags that I ignored at the time. Granted, we were both all ready divorced when we met - but still, there were things about our R that were not appropriate, but I ignored them by saying to myself "we are older, our lives are more complicated, neither of us is ready to be married" every excuse you have given yourself these past few months - I have been there and done that.

So let me caution you that you need to take extreme measures to keep from falling back into a relationship with Lynn. For her sake as well as yours.

The man I was seeing back then - we would agree that we needed to stop seeing each other, and then 2 weeks later he would send me an email, then I would reply. Then I would send him a card in the mail, and he would call. And before ling, I was justifying the R all over again. It wasn't until I finally said – to myself – enough, I need to stop seeing/talking to/and emailing this man. He was not right for me. He was never going to be good for my boys, they were never going to really love him (Of course, at the time I said that was because they would never want me to date anyone. I realize now that was just another excuse of mine. They love the man I am married to now. They just knew that this other person was not right for me). I remember when I finally spent a lonely; tear filled night, finally saying out loud, to myself and to God “that is it. I am done with this man. I am going to be sad for a while. I am going to feel lonely. He is a nice person, but he is not right for me, and I need to quit trying to rationalize this. I am not going to call, email, or send cars. If he tries to contact me, I will not respond.” And about two months later I met the man I am now married to. I KNEW when I met my H that he was the right one for me. There was no longer anything to justify, or explain, or defend. My boys liked him from the start. Our r started on the best possible foundation. Marriage is hard enough as it is. 2nd marriages re even harder. Add stepchildren to the mix, and it is even harder. It is extremely important that you do everything you possibly can to insure that your next R will start on the solid rock foundation.

I KNOW it will be hard for you. But please, take extreme measures to make sure that you and Lynn do not fall back into contact. Allow her to get over you, and move onto a better R for her.

One thing I have come to realize, is that even though my former “boyfriend” and I were divorced when we started our R, we were still in a R that was similar to an A. there were several things about the R that I knew were not right for me, but I continued anyway. And each time we tried to ‘break it off”, one phone call from him and I would be right back into it. It has taught me a lot about what it feels like to be in an A. BUT I also realize that when you finally do accept that the R is wrong, you can stop it. I felt a huge withdrawal from that man when we finally broke it off for good. I was depressed, sad, for weeks. I longed to call him “just to talk”. But I knew I couldn’t call him. I knew it would set me back. I can remember laying in bed each night crying myself to sleep and praying that God would take the hurt away, and help me just to get over him. I even remember reaching a point where I thought ‘Maybe he is the right one for me, and that is why I can’t get over it” but in my logical mind I KNEW the R was not right. There were just too many red flags, and I could not justify them all.
I got a card in the mail from him, about 6 months after we broke it off. I threw the card right into the trash. I KNEW the R was wrong, and knew that I needed to be done with it.

When I look at the R I have now, the man I am married to today, I am so glad that I did not continue in that other R. I am so glad that I allowed myself to get through the withdrawals, and be available when god brought this man into my life.

I look back now on that old boyfriend and think, “what was I thinking, for even staying I that R as long as I did.”

Hang in there. Stay busy. Schedule lots of stuff on your calendar. Invite people over for dinner – take more classes – volunteer for missions trips. Get so busy that you do not have time to wonder what it would be like to call Lynn one more time to see how she is.

Thanks, Faith...

I was going to make many of your points to Georgia...

But was unsure about doing so for several reasons...

Wow...lots from you folks today.

I've spent the whole morning outside working in the yard. The weather is so beautiful and I'm so enjoying my time off from work. (I'm hoping that I'm not getting lazy!). Plus, I've started my bedroom remodeling project this week, so I am staying very busy.

Okay, a few comments. SH was of the opinion that the R with Lynn had to be over forever and ever because of the way it started. Other counselor said (with equal Biblical conviction) that with repentance and time....forgiveness could occur and there could be renewal "at the proper time" (her words...you've sinned, but not committed the unpardonable sin). I've not shut the door completely (ala SH), but I have ended the R for now. Before I will reintroduce myself to any more R's, I'll try to assure I'm on more stable footing next time.

Which, by the way, was SH's parting thoughts to me. He said that I need to work on "guarding my heart". I know he's right, and I know that's my weakness. I want to be wanted. I suppose we all do...but I think I've got a fatal dose of it.

I've hesitated to say this because it just seems so unbelieveable. You must think I'm making this up...but I'll throw it out there anyway.

Two doors down from me (other side of the dr. and her H) lives a lady who I had never seen or met. My neighbor told me she lived alone with her young daughter and she (the lady) has muscular dystrophy (sp?). About 2 weeks ago when I mowed my yard, I noticed her's was quite tall so I just went on down there and mowed her's too (I assumed her to be immobile). Well...she came out on the porch to thank me and...to say the least...she was not at all "immobile".

Not, back to the present. Yesterday about an hour before Lynn got her, there was a knock on the door and there she (Pam) stood. She asked if she could come in and visit so I said sure and she came in and we talked for a while. I told her that I hated to seem rude but I had a guest coming for dinner so I would need to get back to my cooking.

However, while here she said something like "maybe we can get together and "bum around" (her words) some this summer".

I don't know what to think about this. I am not (those who have met me can attest to this) a "chick magnet". It's like Satan knows just where to direct his attacks at me....

I know absolutely nothing about Pam other than what I've said here (and she has a 7 y.o. D).

I am going to seek out a good local accountability partner to help me through these sort of issues. I will be visiting another church tonight. Problem with the accountability partners of using someone I know is that they all have met Lynn and think she's absolutley great!

BTW - My parents came by and I told them. They were really disappointed. My Dad (a man of very few words) said "well, you know we love Lynn". I said yes, I know.

Anyway...back to my bedroom remodeling.

Georgia

I (for one?) am happy.

You are progressing.

I hate that you went through so much pain, but progress is progress. Progress now = healing later.

You continue to be in our prayers.

SS

Thanks for the info. about Steve Harley, Georgia.

This is my issue more than yours, I guess...but your stuff is bringing up my issue about churches....

Remember my issue about hypocrisy in the church?

Your church members knew you were not divorced before starting this relationship and sanctioned it? Lynn considers herself a Christian...does not consider your relationship as being sinful? Really not tricking to bash you here..we all sin and fall short..I know..but....

I understand if you do not want to discuss this but... to be honest... when I read both of your posts today, these issues ran through my mind.

I think you're subject of hypocrisy in the church should be iurther expanded to include hypocrisy in "the people". I suppose I'm qualified to speak to that one...right?

I'm sorry, but I think my situation (and circumstances) should not, and in fact is not, fodder for your preconceived ideas to say "I told you so"....

I can assure you that my workplace is just as full (and even more so) so shananigans, yet I continue to go there 5X a week (well...sometimes I do). What about your workplace...I'll bet it's full of hypocrites, yet you still go there.

Why?

FGG:

I still think you did a big thing by breaking it off with Lynn.

I don't necessarily agree with the hardline from SH, though. Or even with what we discuss here.

First, your beliefs should guide you. Not us, not SH, not your IC, and certainly not your feelings of loneliness at this point in time.

I think what you did, and the way you did it, was putting all your cards out on the table - it was honest and truthful. It was HARD, 2. But I don't see why it might not be possible for all of you 2 learn from the mistakes you may have made and still have a happy fu2ure - possibly including Lynn. But particularly if everyone learns something important here.

I also see nothing wrong with developing a healthy, safely-bounded friendship with your neighbor. Again, if it looks like feelings are growing 2 fast, lay your cards on the table and make it clear where you stand on starting new relationships after your DV.

As always, what you ac2ally do with your life IS your business.

Just make sure you're learning good things and making positive changes based on those experiences.

That's all.

-ol' 2long

Thanks, 2Long -

What I did was what I felt like I needed to do. Again, it was not in full agreement with either SH or the IC, but I think what I did was right for me at the moment. At least it'll allow me some room to breathe, get a fresh perspective, and re-evaluate from a safer distance.

Georgia

Georgia:

I just wanted to talk to you about it.

This is not my conflict avoider but I don't want our discussion to be in an angry tone.

If it needs to be, never mind, forget it.

I don't want to talk about this angrily.

It's a too tender of a subject for me.

I sense the anger in your thinking that I'm saying "I told you so" and that is far from where I was going with this...

Okay, I'm sorry, I guess my response was a little abrupt.

I will talk to you about it if you want.

I think it is obvious (to me) that the folks in my new church were very welcoming and had known Lynn for quite a while. (This is just my interpreatation). I think they were glad to see that a Christian man had come into her life. When I first started attending, I met with the associate pastor as well as our S.S. teacher who is also an associate pastor. They didn't condemn or condone, just welcomed me there. More than once I've heard the pastor say that the church is "a hospital for sinners".

In my previous church, there is no way that I would have been received as a member under those circumstances. It would have been made very clear to me that my actions were in contrast with the teachings of "the church".

Which, if either, of these positions do you hold to be the desireable "church"? (Angry voice back in check now).

Off for awhile to go meet with a PT at the Y (free PT being offered to members by a local hospital tonight by appt only). I hope to get done in time to go to another local church, but it'll be tight.

Be back later.

Georgia

you are kind, with a heart for Jesus, a decent job, a nice (Not huge, but nice) home, a cute dog, and you know how to cook. You like to go for long drives, in a convertible with the top down. You like to read, and can carry on a good conversation.
My friend, to most women, that makes you a chick magnet.

proceed with caution. You are very vulnerable right now (I know you probably get tired of hearing that, but it is true!) In the next several months you are going to discover that there are a lot more single women out there then you ever realized.

I like your idea of an accountablity partner.

Thanks WOF....here's my test for the future. When asked what I do for a living, I'm going to say that I sell socks at a booth at the flea market on Saturdays. Then...I'll see if they ever come back!! (Okay, just kidding...kinda).

Anyway, the PT basically told me I'm a prime candidate for a heart attack / stroke and maybe diabetes down the road if I don't shed some weight. I've got to get really, really serious about this.

I did get done in time to get to church only to find out that tonight is their Kindergarten graduation, so I just left. I had to chuckle at the prospect of a 50 y.o. guy walking in off the street to watch kindergarten kids graduate. Surely somebody would have called the police!!

Anyway, it was off to Lowe's where I bought the paint for my bedroom. I might start changing out the fireplace mantle tonight.

You know what they say about idle hands....

Georgia

Hey...where did Mimi go? I thought we were going to have a discussion about church. Oh well...