Good Evening -

I just got home from church. This has felt like a really, really depressing day to me. I don't know if it's because I've just gotten off the Lexapro or what...just felt depressed.

Tonight was kind of the kick-off service for VBS at Avenue Church. That was kind of nice, but even then I kept realizing how much I missed having xW next to me at church.

After church I was thinking how much I missed going out with xW and our friends after church. Sunday night was always kind of the "end of weekend" time out for us.

I was just about to drive off and the pastor called me. He told me a bunch of folks were going to a local Mexian restaurant and asked if I'd like to join them. What great timing!! So I did and it was enjoyable.

The rest of the week will be really, really busy with work and VBS.

I think that getting off the AD's is really having an impact on me today. I'm really not feeling very good (emotionally).

Oh well...far be it from me to complain (too much anyway).

Georgia

FGG,

bad days are to be expected. but I suppose they get less frequent. Some days just have too many triggers or who knows...
I'm off the ADS although I will officially confirm that tomorrow with the psychiatrist. How did they help? well somehow I survived these 6 months in pretty good conditions, hope is starting to come back, plans for the futur are too and considering I am sort of financially controlled by WH which means I can't really plan a life, I feel pretty good and am holding up.

Ads might make you feel better while you take them but remember they work only on your feelings.... and feelings change. They do not solve the underlying causes of the feelings.

As Dr. Phil says, time itself does not cure anything, it's what you do with time that makes a difference.

I think you're doing many interesting things, looking for a new way of life the right way. Unfortunately your personal "recovery time" was not only that and that could be the reason for your feelings now. Considering the situation, maybe you should take the Ads for a little while longer...

BTW, I'm off to sleep. It's past 10 and it hasn;t been a good day for me either. It probably won;t be a good night either because the dog has a girlfriend over to spend the night, but she's not being easy...

Hi cc..

It's hard to say how the AD's help, but they do seem to certainly maybe provide a "shield" from the mood swings.

I think I know what triggered this. I sat down this afternoon and turned on the TV. The movie "Grease" was just coming on. I got to thinking about when xW and I saw it together in a theatre in WPB before #1S was born. I remember the night we saw it and the drive home. It was just the 2 of us and it was SOOO pleasant. Anyway, I guess more such days can be expected.

I'm really trying to get this whole thing turned around, but I think Satan knows where my weak spots are for sure. Way, way too many temptations for me.

I'm going to have lunch with the pastor again early in the week and talk to him some about the things going on and get his input. At least he's a good accountability partner.

Sleep good, cc...

(Dog has a girlfriend over??? Don't let JEB know, he'll start getting ideas too).

Georgia

I certainly regret having the "girlfriend" over.. I had to get up at 1 a.m. when I was in the middle of a dream to put my dog inside ... He wuldn't stop barking. Now before I leave for work I'll put him out with his girlfriend again.

Yes FGG, I think you should continue with the ADS for a while. Someday the triggers will have to stop having so much effect. Some day the numbness will become indifference.
Your problem, I believe, is that you still have too much hope.

Have a good day.

Good Morning -

This is going to be a tremendously busy day (and week for me).

cc - thank you for the advice, but I think I'm going to try to stay off the AD's now if possible. I've been on them a year and a half.

One thing that I've found that I'm kind of struggling with is I sometimes find myself getting angry about the whole mess. I feel like I tried to be a good H to xW and I had for decades looked forward to time the kids would be gone and we could just travel and enjoy each other.

And now I find myself in a place where I could be doing those things, lots of vacation, enough money to travel, even a job that I could do from my home and no one would know or care...but I had to put up with years of "you're just not the right guy...I should've married (insert name here)".

Arghh..okay, I need to get out of this mode and just get back to work.

I got one of those web-fare alerts from Delta the other day. I can fly r/t from ATL to Merida, Mexico for under $250.00. I looked at a few hotels there and they seemed very reasonably priced. I got to thinking....I could work from a hotel in Mexico and maybe see some different culture for a while (I've not discussed this plan with JEB).

Okay, I've got to do work. Meeting at 11:00.

Georgia

And...just in case I've not ranted enough today.

I'm sitting here on a teleconference. I'm being told the company has decided it was a mistake to lay-off the engineering staff, and we're getting approval to start adding people.

All my coworkers are gone...I come to work everyday and I'm the only one here, and now I'm being told that it was a "mistake" to lay off our other folks.

BTW - I wasn't a part of the decision to have the lay-off because I was told I was "too close" to the situation to make a subjective decision.

That does it...I'm going to Mexico.

Gringo Georgia

I've been wanting to answer you since I read your post this morning but it has been a busy day and I just got back home!




This is NOT GOOD! You have to stop thinking like this!!!!!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


It happened, it's over. Don't think of the what ifs, they are a waste of energy, because they aren't and cannot be. The past is past. It is rather frightening to think that this moment will soon be in the past and you will not be able to change it so make the best of every second of your life.

All you have to do is be HONEST with yourself. If you want to wallow in pity, DO IT, admit it and use it to feel better, because if you do it to feel worse, it wouldn't be very logical or honest with yourself (unless you hated yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />).

FGG, don't tell me you don't know all this....

You did have a false recovery... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now, be an MB example and do it right! You can, you are the example I follow.

Please.

Oh man...talk about pressure!!

Well...if it helps any I do feel much better now.

I had a great time at VBS with the kids. When I got there and parked there was a young lady with a small child trying to go in a door that was locked. I went over and introduced myself to her and she told me she was looking for VBS. Ends up the child was in Kindergarten (hence in the class I worked with) and the young lady was her mother. I really don't think the young lady could have possibly been out of her teens.

Anyway, they both came in and ate dinner (served in the gym for all the kids / workers). The mom stayed in the class with her D and they both seemed to have a great time. Anyway, it was fun...kinda what I needed tonight I suppose.

I talked to my boss for a long time since my last post. I'm thinking about postponing my trip to Illinois next week and go the following week since I have to be back by next Thursday for court.

Well...I really do feel better tonight. I left work at lunch and brought all my stuff home to work this afternoon. I could tell I wasn't in much of a mind set to be at work and be productive, but I think I did much better once I got home.

BTW...I did discuss with my boss working from a hotel in Mexico. He doesn't mind as long as it has h/s internet access.

I am seriously considering this.

http://www.merida.gob.mx/Ayunta2004/TurismoIdiomas/Ingles/Turismo_Principaling.htm

http://www.maisonlafitte.com.mx/ing/ml_eng.htm

Gringo Georgia

Are you running?

The thought has crossed my mind...

But...I would enjoy a nice vacation, too.

Well you can have a nice vacation but running won't work. So don't even try it.

I'm off to sleep, because it's 11 and I have a lot to do tomorrow. Please behave yourself and don't do anything crazy!
I did see the lady at the hotel....

you should ask Believer about Mexico, she's been there.

Okay, I'll confess. I noticed the lady at the hotel, too.

But I doubt she'd still be sitting there when I get there.

I enjoyed this...I e-mailed them a few questions today and here was their response:

Mr. Georgia

This is a pleasure for me to provide you the information that you request:

1. Do you have free parking for rental cars?

Yes, we have, as well as Vallet parking service include.

2. Do you charge for high speed internet access?

No, we don't. Actually it's include on the room's rates, as the acess to the Bussines Center, or Concierge services.

3. Do you have an English speaking staff?

Yes we do. Almost all the staff speaks english.

I Hope that all the information has solve all your questions. If not, do not hesitate to contact me, I'm xxxxx, the Concierge of the Hotel. I'll be glad to asist you.

I love it...this is sounding like something I want to do...

Georgia

Good Morning -

Well, today's a much better day (or at least my attitude about it).

I decided I would work at home today. I got up and cooked myself a good breakfast (eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, toast, oj) and ate on the deck. I had my morning devotion out there and got the day started off right. It's a beautiful and somewhat cool day. Very nice...

I've got a lot of work to get done but I just decided to avail myself of my opportunities and work from home. Very nice...I sometimes don't fully appreciate the fact that I have so much latitude in my job.

Anyway...it's a great day in GA. I'm going to try to have lunch with the pastor today. Pottery starts back tonight but I'm going to be at VBS instead.

And...I think I'm going to try to book the trip to Mexico today. I just really think I would enjoy that.

Georgia

Good Evening -

I had lunch with the pastor today. We had a very good discussion and he has some very good ideas on ways that he may can assist our family circumstance. More on that later.

Remember the homeless guy who stopped by my house a couple of months ago? Well...I walked into church tonight and he was sitting there. He said he was hungry and he had heard that if you would come to VBS you would be fed. So...we talked for a while, he stayed and ate and then went to the adult class. Afterward, I took him back to an area where he is staying now that, actually, I was quite pleased to be out of when I left there. Really scarey.

He is coming over here tomorrow and wash my windows. Said he needed money ($15) to get a picture ID. Something to do with his SS check. But...he is willing to work and he doesn't just ask for money.

Anyway, a good evening at VBS. I'm really tired (too old for 3 1/2 hours of 4 y.o. kids!).

Georgia

Well..I just wrote a 2 page long update in Word, copied it here, and then closed Word.

Then..it disappeared.

Very frustrating....

I was wonderingif you were running from us... No good mornings or ood evenings for quite a few days...

Hope you are doing well.

Good Morning –

Okay, sorry for the long delay. Not running cc…it’s just that last week was really, really busy with VBS and all.

I enjoyed my participation in VBS last week and made a lot of new 4 & 5 y.o. friends. It was amazing to see how involved and caring the staff/teachers were in working with these kids. Overall average attendance was 140.

My homeless friend showed up to wash my windows about 10:00 PM Tuesday night. I told him that he would have to come back in the day time and he got quite upset. Matter of fact…I thought for a few minutes that we were going to have a physical altercation in the front yard. But..he eventually left and I haven’t seen him since.

Also Tuesday night Mrs. Reese's daughter told me she was selling her Mom's stuff and asked if I would be intested in anything. I bought some lamps, a mirror, a chair and some miscellaneous things. I felt a little guilty buying her stuff, but it already has price tags attached to it so if I hadn't bought it someone else would have. I know this is hard on the family.

I have postponed my trip to Illinois until next week. I have the court hearing on Thursday morning and it just made sense to delay the trip so I could stay all week.

I have decided against the trip to Mexico. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it would be a lot more fun to be there with someone. So…JEB and I have decided to take a week in mid-July and go the Williamsburg area of VA instead. I’ve discovered that Marriott TownPlace Suites will allow pets and I still have some discount Marriott coupons. I think we’ll take a leisurely driving vacation and maybe go up through the Blue Ridge Mountains. Hopefully it’ll be cool enough to enjoy such a trip with the top down.

The pastor of Avenue Church has taken considerable interest in not only me but the family. I have been very impressed with the wisdom he has for a 33 y.o. guy. He and I had lunch again Tuesday and continued to talk over current issues and things going on in my life. I appreciate his candor and insight. Also, he has a pastor friend in town who also has a counseling center that he thinks I should be involved with. He has talked to his friend and I’ve been invited to join in to some support & recovery group that he has on Tuesday nights. I really don’t know what I’m getting in to, but I plan on going tomorrow night and checking it out to see.

My car is back in the shop today. I’ve rented a pick up truck and plan to take xW the rest of the stuff that is hers that is at my house. I called her last night and we talked for almost an hour. She definitely is not doing well either physically or emotionally. Her doctors are still thinking she may have MS and she’s going soon for some more tests. She tells me that she spends most of her time in bed sleeping unless she has some deadline to be somewhere. She cried intermittently while we were talking, but there was no mention of OM. It (obviously) still tugs at my heartstrings to hear her this way…I still have the impulse to want to run and rescue her.

I would like to say something about the accountability arrangement I now have with the pastor. I wish I had done that long ago, but that’s water under the bridge. I make sure that he knows everything there is to know…be it good or bad. There are things that he and I discuss that I don’t feel comfortable putting here as this is a very public and accessible forum. I hope that you (ya’ll?) can respect my decision regarding this.

Let me just say that I am still struggling in many, many areas. My life is good…that’s for sure. It beats living with the daily (if not hourly ) updates on how wonderful OM#(x) is and how I don’t measure up, but I’m having to deal with a lot of anger towards xW right now, more than I thought I would have to.

Those final words from her that day in the garage (“Georgia…you’re a bas**rd and you’ll never be anything buy a bas**rd”) have really been replayed in my head a lot. When she discovered that I was a “late life blessing” (my Dad is 89) then she took to telling me that not only our marriage was a mistake but I was a mistake. So, the words she chose to use to convey her displeasure were likely chosen intentionally.

I’ve been off the AD’s for about 3 weeks now and I think my emotions have leveled out a bit after going into orbit the first few days.

Anyway, enough of that.

JEB still loves me..he thinks I’m great!!

Georgia

Keep in mind that life is not meant to be easy.

Remember the refiners fire - and be glad God sees fit to refine you. I know it's hard sometimes to be grateful, but keep it in mind

Remember you are not alone. Besides your family, many of us continue to pray for you.

I don't comment much on your thread, but I read, and I care about you.

SS

SS -

Thanks for your encouragement.

Actually, I am frequently struck by a realization of how blessed my life is even when considering all the "stuff". The mornings here are just wonderful...around mid 70's and each morning I get to drive to work with the top down and enjoy the cool morning.

I still enjoy my house immensely. It's great to have a spot that I can go to and just unwind and relax from the day.

And...I am by far working in the least stressful environment that I've been in for years. Even though I am very frustrated by our company's seemingly (to me, at least) lack of any recognizeable direction, I have relatively easy tasks to do and they continue to pay me. In trying to catch up with a loss of 1/2 of my retirement funds, I am able to direct 22% of my income to my 401K.

Point is...I am aware that in many, many areas of my life I am truly blessed. But...I do still go through these emotional gyrations with xW. It reminds me of the reports WOF has given regarding her xH.

Georgia