Jeb loves you, that's worth more than anything. He won't turn on you.

Hi GG, you have to appreciate how good your life is! It's a much better option than regretting what could have been or what was...

It's good to be so busy and it sounds like so much fun and so many things to do.

I will be in Richmond Virginia in august (12th-30th) so I thought if you were planning on driving to that area (Williamsburg is near) you could organize an MB get-together. Wouldn't that be fun? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I have a wedding on the 26th but other than that I could make it!

Reading your previous post where you hnt at some of the things that are bothering you, I realize how fortunate I am that WH never bothered to talk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> strange as it may sound he never reproached me or criticized anything and luckily, I was dumbfounded and numb that I didn't accuse him or LB at all either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
So I do cosider myself lucky not to have to deal with those things, because I can imagine how hard it would be to forget them or even to forgive them eventually.

WH's silence, his absolute respect for my plan B does have its advantages after all. Strange, isn't it?

We just got back from a long weekend in Williamsburg. The kids and I had a great time. I will send you some highlight pictures. I am glad you are recovering well Georgia.

Tdr

Good Morning -

Hi tdr - nice to hear from you! I look forward to seeing your pictures and it's great that you and kids are getting away and having fun! I'm thinking about routing my trip so that I drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway then back down the coast. I've been looking for places that offer guided Trout fishing in VA. Never tried it...but it looks like fun (I'm not normally the fisherman type, but I think I would like that).

cc - I had planned to go to VA in mid-July, but if there is interest in an MB get together, I can adjust. If you don't mind, I would ask that you solicit folks for the get together to see who lives in that area. If there is enough interest, I will work on a venue and potential date(s).

Well..I got most of xW's stuff over to her last night. It started raining really hard here so I only put the wicker furniture in the bed of the truck. I was driving one of the big 4 door Dodge trucks and was actually able to put the dresser in the back seat. I didnt' get some things over but thoese are things that I can put into my car.

For the most part, she was pretty pleasant. However, just as I was getting ready to leave it was obvious that she was about to pick a fight. I just kind of ignored her, bade her good night and left.

Tonight is the night I'm going to the recovery session at the counseling center.

Georgia

Point is...I am aware that in many, many areas of my life I am truly blessed. But...I do still go through these emotional gyrations with xW. It reminds me of the reports WOF has given regarding her xH.

In the book of Genesis, God says: "it is not good that the man should be alone...."

So far as I know, he has never taken that back, or changed it.
You feel it, and I would feel it if I were not with my W. Don't feel bad about that - it's good to feel the way God says we should feel about being alone. It may not be your fault, but it doesn't change your feelings.

I am glad you are able to function, and do reasonably well even after all you have been through. Same goes for CC, and others that are still able to see light in their lives.

The world is in turmoil, but God continues to do his work.

SS

SS -

Sunday night the pastor's brother preached at church as both the pastor and assoc pastor were out of town.

The pastor had told me a little about his brother. He was found abandoned in a road-side welcome center when he was still an infant. I don't know the story about how this family ended up with him.

Anyway, his sermon was based on Joshua 1:9. He talked at length about how God is with us even when it seems to us He has totally forsaken and forgotten us. I was impressed. He sounded like he really, really believed what he was saying.

He didn't make mention of his roots, but knowing the little bit I do made a difference in the way I received what he had to say....

It sounds like the pastors brother knows where his blessings come from.

I have felt the hand of God in my life many times also, and I am grateful for the help.

You are on the mend, and that is a good place to be.

If you ever come west, come by and see me. Jeb would like to visit here, and both of you are welcome.

SS

Good Morning -

Well...last night was interesting to say the least. I showed up at this storefront type office and went in. There was a group (about 20) of folks there, and promptly at 7:00 they got started. It was like I was invisible, no introductions or anything (kinda strange). I noticed there was an AA 12-step poster on the wall...I was afraid that somehow I had made my way into an AA meeting (having had 1 drink in the last 30 years...I challenge anyone to accuse me of being an alcoholic!).

Anyway, it was obvious that the theme of this group was folks that were in recovery, or families of folks who were in recovery, from various addictions...be it chemical, alcohol, whatever.

I must say it was quite a discussion. The leader of the group did some talking, but basically only steered the direction of the discussion.

I noticed that in the lobby that had a stack of brochures from MB that were basically a summary of HNHN.

Anyway, there was indeed discussion that gave me fodder for thought regarding my role in my response to FWW during her addictive behavior. There was discussion about keeping our giver / taker in balance...that a constant giver who sees himself / herself as "selfless" is actually settting the stage to allow the addiction.

And...discussion about how addictions are learned in the family of origin and CAN be broken, but only once they are are recognized and properly confronted.

I haven't said anything about this, but I am seeing something that bothers me a great deal.

XW is obviously doing her "woe is me" routine with anyone who will listen. And..she is indeed having a hard time in many areas (natural consequences of her behavior).

I am pretty clearly witnessing #1S being drawn into her web of enabling. I sense that he is feeling sorry for his Mom....and he has to be there to help her because Dad isn't. Even though the situation with Lynn was quite conterproductive, I think that this is having a severely chilling impact on our relationship.

And...I am even more concerned about what this is / will be doing to his relationship with DIL.

But...I think that I have to realize that this is the process HE has to work through, I can't do it for him or "warn" him...I can only be there to love him.

I know that I've dispensed advice here about how grown (and almost grown) children have to face reality without their mommy / daddy constantly rescuing them. But...this is different!! This is about MY son...and I am HIS FATHER!!!

And I soooo don't want to see my kids hurting..I'd much rather just take all that pain from them.

Georgia

Hi Georgia:

If you haven't noticed, I've been quiet, thinking that I have been reading you wrong. Now, I think my hunch has been proven.

You did not mention your own addiction.

You are focusing on your xW's addiction.

What about your ADDICTION to the PA/OW?

Don't you think that's why you were referred to the Recovery Group?

Doesn't your involvement in an ADDICTIVE relationship with her help you to understand better what was going on with your xW?

Or maybe you don't see your relationship with her as being ADDICTIVE?

Not a drug to help ease your pain right after your marital separation?


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, well...Mimi lives!!

A good observation on your part.

I believe that I am just now getting, realistically, to a point where I'm able to begin to step back from the xW situation and begin to focus on me and my role in the whole thing.

I don't, really, yet understand it. Maybe because it's complicated, maybe because I'm right in the middle and can't see it, maybe because I don't want to see it.

But, as the leader said last night, we've all got addictions. It is how we resolve them and how we interact with the addictions of those with whom we have R's that is the issue.

And..yes....I do feel as though that is A PART of why I am there. It ain't about xW's addiction any longer, it's about the addictions that I had / have (i.e. - enabling behavior of xW, following up with OW for, possibly, my own addiction to "admiration"...etc.).

My concern, and something I've been thinking more and more of lately, is how I can get serious about identifying and resolving these issues in my own life so that I'll not repeat my own addictions in my next R (and possibly M).

Make sense..or am I just wandering around out in the field somewhere?

(BTW - I had formulated my own idea about why your silence, but I'll go with your explanation).

OK..now I feel like I'm talking to YOU..not the glossed over, superficial Georgia...who is an observer and NOT talking about HIMSELF...



Step out and join the community of REFORMED CONFLICT AVOIDERS.

What were you thinkin' about me?

You were probably wrong but I want to hear what you were thinkin'...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, there were some EA accusations made here regarding you and I (which, BTW, I think are without merit). I assumed (wrongly, I suppose) that you were either squelching (or disproving) those accusers....

Okay...I threw caution to the wind...said exactly what I was thinking...and now I'm left here hanging.

I find that very, very uncomfortable and I wish I hadn't said what I did (back to CA'ing).

Georgia:

You are fine!!

My reply to you got lost.

You were wrong.

I wasn't worried about those people.

I've also given up my PEOPLE PLEASING tendencies if you haven't noticed... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

They are welcome to think what they want...

We know the deal, don't we?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I feel very comfortable that yes, we know the deal.

Things I have learned:

xW is suffering from addictive behavior that has many, many similarities to chemical dependency. Unfortunately, I played the role of enabler for years, thinking that I was exhibiting “patience” and “love” that would eventually lead to her recovery. I now know that by my continuing to enable her, I actually fed her addiction.

I have learned that by allowing my “giver” and “taker” to be out of balance, I further enabled her addiction. I “gave” and “gave” and “gave” thinking that I would somehow win her over and be “worthy” of her love once again…like the “old days”.

I have learned that it is okay to understand that marriage is a covenant union where both a husband and wife have their needs met. It is not sinful to throw up a red flag when your mate stops (for a LONG time) meeting your needs, and instead has needs met and meets the needs of a member of the opposite sex OUTSIDE OF THE BOUNDS OF THE MARRIAGE COVENANT.

Many of the things she says is right out of the addiction handbook.

“If you loved me, you would (fill in the blank).”use this drug too (be his friend), understand me like he does, etc”

“If only you would (fill in the blank), then I wouldn’t need this drug (another man)”

“People just don’t understand the relationship we have”

“I can quite using this drug (terminate this relationship) anytime I want to, but I don’t want to let my husband control me”

And so on and so on…..

OM#2’s name could easily be alcohol or cocaine.

Before the drug named OM#2, it was a drug named OM#1.

Same story, same results. With the loss of drug #1 (OM#1), drug #2 (OM#2) was sought out and found (as “a gift from God”).

I have come to understand that I can’t fix and/or control what xW desires. She will have to decide when / if she wants to break her addiction. She hasn’t yet recognized it as a problem (6+ years, loss of her husband, home, kids, etc…yet…”not a problem”….sound familiar?).

I have willfully chosen to remove myself from her sick behavior. Unfortunately, I have reason to believe that she is tugging on #1S’s heartstrings with her tales of woe. I can see that he is responding “like a loving son” and trying to rescue her from herself. Unwittingly, he is stepping into the role of enabler that I stepped out of, and likely has resentment towards me that I am not still there rescuing her to ease her pain. I fear that in the long run, this will have dire results in the relationship between #1S and #1DIL.

xW already doesn’t like #1DIL and never has, which has caused #1S considerable problems. Put into that mix #1S “propping up” his addictive Mom and well, it’s not good.

However, I have likewise had to realize that, even with #1S, I need to love him unconditionally and turn him loose to have his own experiences.

As cold as it may sound, I have sought to wash my hands of the world that xW continues to want to live in. The few attempts I’ve made to stick my toe back in gently have very, very quickly proven that she resents me not still being her enabler.

Please understand I am not saying she’s getting what she deserves, but I am saying she’s being allowed to make her own choices without her safety net.

Now…I’ve got to work on learning things about ME that I’ve got to settle to keep from becoming a philandering bum.

That is where I am on my journey.

You've regained the status as being my Watch Dog...

H and I are going away again for a few days, leaving tomorrow..in case it matters at all....

Don't let anyone talk UGLY about me...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You KNOW you're in need of ADMIRATION when you welcome being compared (favorably) to a dog!

I thought you would like that WATCH DOG designation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

Georgia,

I for one, am thankful that you are choosing to follow a path which will lead you to real happiness... I think you had taken a wrong turn and even if you didn't go too far, you are now experiencing the consequences.

With respect to your sons, I think that you should make an effort to tell them your point of view, recognizing your mistakes along the way. There is nothing like the truth... you can't go wrong. Just keep repeating your position now that you have more insight into the situation, both yours and your XW's. It's hard.

It's hard to be sincere with oneself, much harder than being sincere with respect to others, but I think you are getting there quickly. I feel that if you don't tell your son your position he may misinterpret it. Of course it's your choice.

Just my opinion.

Happy trip Mimi. I'll be watching out for your reputation too!