Just Married I was re reading all the posts today and just wanted to thank you again for your post. It was very helpful. I think for so long I have been dwelling on the negative I have forgotten so much of the positive. I have been trying to do that more and it is really helping. I'm so sorry about your situation after such little time. I can't begin to imagine the pain you and so many are going through and of course the pain I am and will put my own wife through. Why are we WS so stupid???

I had responded to you a few times back when you first posted and just wanted to tell you how happy I am to see you still posting. I haven't read the entire thread yet, but the fact that you are still here looking for answers and a better way is great.

Good luck to you, Seeking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Seeking,

I really truly hope that you can find it in your heart to tell your W and to end things with OW. Thank you for your concern for my sitch. I have to tell you that in trying to work things out with WH he is saying a lot of the things that you have said. He says I'm asking him to be something he is not, yet when we got married, he was that person. He says that he never was, but he was trying to be for me... this is the hardest thing for me because all this time (up until about 4 months ago), I thought we were both blissfully happy; yet he claims to have been miserable the whole time with the resentment and anger building with each passing day. While the A hurt, knowing that the man that I love with my whole soul was unhappy; and there is something I could do about it or there is something I was contributing to that - broke my heart all over again.

I pray for you to have the strength to make the right decision, whether that be for you to truly make the plunge or if that is to work things out with your W. I truly hope it is to work things out, you have so much of yourself invested and 30 years of marriage is extremely rare nowadays, its something to be proud of and something I hope to achieve somday.

faithinme, thank you for your post. You know it was your posts early on that made me continue here. You were not judgemental but had such good insight. I appreciate it very much. Thank you.

Just Married, I'm so sorry what is going on with you and your WH. It is hard to believe that for the whole time he has been feeling the way he has. Looking at things from my point of view I think it is possible that isn't true..It is easier for me to say I have been a certain way all along and now I'm just tired of it. That's easier than saying I have changed and just now discovered I don't love my wife. It kind of helps justify the A in the mind of the WS. I certainly don't know what your WH is thinking but that's something that crossed my mind while reading your post.
I hope things work out for you. You sound like a very nice person...

Hi 'Seeking'.
I am a country lady; alone a lot.
I've been working in my perennial flower gardens,
weeding, transplanting, adding compost and THINKING!

Guess who I have been thinking about?

YOU!

My thoughts are that you have gotten yourself in quite a Deep Hole!!!

Have you read on these message boards how an affair can be like a drug addiction and you are going to continue wanting the 'fix' until you come clean of the habit?

I was wondering if you read the thread started by Mulan about Charles and Camilla?

What people say about Charles cheating on Diana is not pretty to read.

Do you identify with him with what you are doing?

Have you seen or talked with the OW in the past week?
You have been seeing this Sweetheart from your youth for, I think you said, going on 4 years.

That is a long long time to be cheating and lying.

I feel sooooo sorry for your wife.
When she finds out, it is going to hurt her VERY much.

I just hope when you do tell her; you have made up your mind to either STOP seeing the other woman or seperate from your wife.

To me, it would hurt more, once I found out, if my H kept seeing the OW. (My H's A was OVER when I found out.)

'Seeking', there is a way out of the hole.
Many MB members have thrown you a ladder of advice
on how to get out.

I guess my questions are:
WHAT IS YOUR PLAN OF ACTION?

HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN LIMBO BEFORE MAKING A DECISION; ONE WAY OR THE OTHER?

This affair has been going on far far too long, agree?

Very sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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[color:"mediumblue"]Hi 'Seeking'
I hope I didn't offend you, in my above message, comparing your longterm affair with your OW, to Charles and Camilla's affair.

I read what you posted on the thread by Cyn1018:
"Did you ever tell OP you loved them."

Goodness gracious, you really are emotionally involved and caught deeply in this Web!

I also read your reply to Susan and Pep that you agreed you lacked 'Integrity'.
That is quite an admission.

Wouldn't you LOVE to get it back?
'Seeking' you know you can and you know how, true?

Below is the message I am referring to.[/color]

"I'm not sure I'm in a place where I should be giving my two cents (I have my own post going) but I have told the OW I love her and really believe I do. The hard part is I don't think I love my wife. As horrible as it sounds what does it mean when you could care less whether you see them again. When you look forward to them leaving and dreading when they come home. When you would just as soon be single and come home to no one. These are the emotions I'm battling as I'm trying to gain enough courage to pull the plug on the OW and make a go of it with my wife. Even though you didn't feel you really loved the OM did you always feel you still loved your BS?? "

well here we are ...
eight pages later...
how many weeks since the first post...

and you seeking have gotten no where....
excep to get people to try to convince you to do what is right...

this has nothing to do with your feelings...
love or no love..

this has to do with you withholding life altering choices and rights of your wife...

she has the right to the truth...and you hold no right in this world to keep that from her...

each day that you and your ow continue in your informed/consenting relationship and contact you rob her of the one freedom that can destroy a persons soul...

the right to choose....
she has the right to choose whether she wants to be with someone who cheats on her...

all of your reasons..her 'different' religious attitudes..
that's just an excuse...nobody here would expect someone to live under religious beliefs they do not hold to...but you don't deal with any marital issues..you hide in the cloaks and feelings of your affair....

no one here is telling you to save your marriage...
they are telling you that you wife has the RIGHT to know...
especially since you really have no plan or action of quitting...

soon enough yourwaffling and indecision here will become as tiresome and reflective of your treatment of your wife...

you lie to all here
to yourself
to your ow...
must most significantly to your wife...
who is being the denied the right to be in control of her future and her day to day actions...

if you were the betrayed spouse...you woiuld want the truth more than anything else...yet you deny that to her...

ARK^^

I have just read your entire thread (whew!).

Sorry you are so conflicted. You have received so much good advice. I would only want to add one more BWs perspective:

My H and I had spent the 5 years leading up to his A, drifting apart (M-6/84). He began a 'friendship' with a co-worker, that evolved into an EA, then a PA, which lasted for 15 months, up to Dday.

I have since learned he agonized over telling me, throughout the entire A. The MOW fueled this indecision by insisting it was better not to tell; it would only 'hurt me'; she was not telling her H b/c she didn't want to hurt him. As you have already been told, it was all B******T. It was cake-eating - having your cake and eating it, too.

My H, too, 'fell out of love' with me. How could he not? There was the MOW, flying off to meet him in whatever city he was conducting business, - stylish/manicured/pedicured/coifed/facelifted; no kids to interrupt, no bills to worry over, no problems, no worries, just dinners and dancing out, lots of gazing into each others' eyes, and running down their spouses to each other. And there I was, at home, not very exciting to be with, as I was running everything entirely by myself.

When he finally told me, he tried to justify the length of the A, saying that it hadn't really hurt me, b/c "I hadn't known about it." Oh, really? It isn't stealing if the thief enters your home when you are at work?

You are stealing from your W, your family. Please, please come clean. Tell your W. My best bet is she'll forgive you.

I forgave my H the second he told me. Let me tell you, I always thought an A was the kiss of death to a M. I told my H over the years that I'd D him immediately if he ever cheated. Well, here we are now, almost a year from Dday, 7 months of NC. Our M is better than it ever was. His telling me gave me the opportunity to change te things about myself that allowed our R to get vulnerable to an A. Your W does not have this opportunity and it is YOU who is denying it to her!

Has it been easy? No way. We have both shed buckets of tears, spent sleepless nights, you name it. But, I honestly believe we are coming through it, intact.

Good luck and blessings. We are praying for you and your W.
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me-50-FBS FWH-44 M-6/84 3 great kids
A-2/03-5/04 Dday-5/8/04 WD-5/04-9/04 NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

I'm a FWS who also had a very long term affair, I understand your loss of feelings for your spouse. And I am divorced, so I am not going to preach at you about saving your marriage. I'm more interested in saving YOU.

I know what that affair did to my self-value (depression, thoughts of suicide, that having a serious "accident" in which I died would be better than facing my family with what I did)

I know what that my affair drove me from my faith. How could I sit in a church and listen to a sermon when I felt like a spotlight was on me proclaiming me to be a hypocrite?

I had always thought of myself as an upstanding moral person and I felt like mud when I began facing what I had done. And yet it was nearly impossible to stop.

Instead of focusing on fixing your marriage right now, why don't you focus on fixing yourself? I think you will find the rest will fall into place. Who are you -- really deep inside?

How would you judge your character?
Your integrity?

Are you living according to your own standards? I have found that I have incredible happiness now. And I truly believe it is because my values and actions are in line with each other. I can hold my head high. I've forgiven myself for the past -- my affair was the most enormous mistake of my life. It was a huge error in judgement. But I can face it, and I've come through it a better person.

Here's the million dollar paragraph:

[color:"red"]Do you believe that affairs are wrong? If so, then end your affair for no other reason.[/color]

[color:"mediumblue"]
I am 'bumping' this thread to the first page.

'Seeking' is getting some good advice here.
But will he take the advice, tell his wife and stop seeing the OW?

'Seeking', if what you say below is true, maybe it really is time for you to tell your wife and set her free from YOU, a man that doesn't love or care for her the way all wives want (and deserve) to be loved and cared for.

Sincerely, Julie [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

'Seeking's' words: "I'm not sure I'm in a place where I should be giving my two cents (I have my own post going) but I have told the OW I love her and really believe I do. The hard part is I don't think I love my wife. As horrible as it sounds what does it mean when you could care less whether you see them again. When you look forward to them leaving and dreading when they come home. When you would just as soon be single and come home to no one. These are the emotions I'm battling as I'm trying to gain enough courage to pull the plug on the OW and make a go of it with my wife. Even though you didn't feel you really loved the OM did you always feel you still loved your BS?? "

Hi,

I believe 'Seeking?' is lurking again, not wanting to post, and address the issues that have come out through this thread. Either that, or he is a troll.

But, I do believe he is reading, so there is one more thing I would like to add to my thoughts of yesterday:

Seeking?, I believe you are afraid to tell your W b/c you KNOW, in your hear t, it will end the A. Have you discussed telling your W w/the OW? I bet you have, and I bet she's doing everything in her power to disuade you from doing so, b/c she, too knows it will kill the A. She, like my FWH's MOW, is saying manipulative garbage like, "Don't tell ***; it will only 'hurt' her?" You know this is a big lie.

You know A's thrive only in secrecy, like any crime or victimization. Do child molesters proudly walk around announcing their activities? Is this analogy a stretch? I do not think so.

Once the light of day shines in what you are doing, you will have to be accountable. So be. Accountable. Be the man, not the coward.

Good luck and blessings

Another thought.

Time is precious. And you are WASTING it.

Give your wife the gift of using her time in the way she wishes to. The longer you drag this out, the more bitter she will feel about the time of hers you are wasting. Time that she could use better than being with someone not committed to her.

You're pretty clear about your ambivilent feelings towards her. Let her go.

OW sounds perfect for you. What are you waiting for?

Are you worried about all the ramifications with friends and family? Thats gonna happen no matter when you pull the trigger. The way you and OW started your relationship will NEVER change. It will always be a seedy extramarital affair. You can't fix that. So get on with it. Why waste anymore of your wife's time? Let her find someone else and be happy.

Well I want to thank everyone and I mean everyone for their heart felt posts. You will never know how much I appreicate everything that was said. You guys have been down this road before on both sides of the street and I value that wisdom. However I think I am wasting a lot of your time by not acting on the things that have been said. I am moving toward NC and spilling my guts but haven't done it yet. I can't honestly say to you I will but your sincere comments have brought me a lot closer.

I know what to do I just need to do it. I won't be back here again until that happens. Again thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I wish there wern't people like me that have caused all of you such pain and heartache.
Goodbye for now....Seeking?

You cause MB no pain what-so-ever ....

You are causing pain to your family, MOW's family ... and most importantly to yourself !!!

Conflict avoidance is the main characteristic of long-term adulterors.

You wear that garment too well.

Best of luck and sincere prayers for your personal recovery from your self-imposed madness.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

[color:"darkblue"]'Seeking', for some reason I keep being drawn to your thread; even in my thoughts!

I think it is partly because most of the men posting here have or had unfaithful wives.

And a few of the men posting are reformed WH.

But you 'Seeking' are one of the few men that are still having an affair with the Married OW. It isn't often that we can get inside the mind of a WH and actually hear his thoughts.

Since this is a marriage building site, most of us want to HAMMER into your head the importance of being truthful with yourself, your wife and everyone involved, and to stop your affair.
We want you to tell your wife so she can be in the loop and decide if she wants to stay married to you.

Wouldn't it be a 'hoot' if when you were off smooching with your OW, that she was off smooching with an OM of her own???

Ok, back to what I want to say to you.

If you were someone giving advice to a friend, wouldn't you tell them the same things we all are telling you?

The reality of this message board is nothing we can say will MAKE YOU DO THE RIGHT thing. Only YOU can make that decision.

It is kinda like when a person needs to stop drinking, smoking, taking drugs, lose weight or whatever the addiction is. Others successes and examples and encouragement HELP but the bottom line is that the person with the addiction, has to WANT TO STOP and make it their entire being commitment TO STOP.
It HAS to be the most important goal in their life.

You are not there.

But please don't stop posting here, even just to let us know you are still reading or to let us know your struggles You still need Help from MB friends.

I am glad you are not trying to deceive us.
We had a poster (probably more than one) that lied and said she had told her H, gave us the whole speech so we would be proud of her. (MRS X) However, she later confessed that she just wanted everyone off her back. I am sure it felt good even PRETENDING to do the right thing; the messages from others would be completely different and very encouraging.

However, it is just so wrong to SCAM not only loved ones but us who are total strangers, just trying to help a little! grrrrrrrrr.

'Seeking', I can tell by your writing that you are a good loving man.
You have just gotten on the wrong road and have been there for many years.
You really do need to decide which direction in your life that you want to go.
Right now, you are just a wandering man with no destination, agree?

So anyway, 'Seeking' and others, what do you think?

Very sincerely and caringly, Julie [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I, too, keep being drawn to this thread. I believe that 'Seeking?' must feel so trapped in the A, given its length, 4 yrs.

How difficult it must be to break off this A, as it goes on, day after day, year after year. He must be agonizing as to what his W is going to do when she learns that her whole life has been a lie for so long.

My H's A - 15 months - actually 'short' by MB standards (is that correct?), left me stunned that he could lie to me for 'so long'. But, since coming to MB and reading of A's that went on for years, some longer than 10(!) years, I realize this is not unique.

'Seeking?', and all the other WSs out there who I am sure are lurking here torn about what to do to end the A:

We know you are afraid. You've built a fantasy 'other life' that you are terrified to let go. What if you do - let go the OP - only to have your S not change, your M not improve? I know this was my FWH's greatest fear.

Have some faith. Read the Recovery board. Face the fact that you are an addict, addicted to the neurochemicals seeing the OP induces your brain to produce.

Will this be hard? It will be the single, most difficult thing you ever do. But, if you confess, come clean, bring you BS here, buy the books, make a good faith effort, you will be rewarded. If you don't, you will pay dearly, with your self-respect, your dignity, your family's love for you. And, if you get caught, it will be far worse than coming clean yourself.

Prayers, blessings, and courage to all WSs out there wrestling with this, today.
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me-FBS-50 FWH-44 M-6/84 3 great kids, 19, 16, 10
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD-5/04-9/04 NC ltr-9/3/04
In Recovery with God's help

Blessed time - excellent post! I’m following this thread closely and posted to seeking earlier on in this thread. Like you, I also ‘sensed’ that he is a sincere person who knows that what he is doing is wrong and wants to do the right things, but can’t bring himself as far as actually start doing something about it. I suspect he keep giving negative internal messages to himself (like “I will fail” or “I’m too weak”) to excuse himself from doing the right things and to prevent himself unconsciously from taking responsibility and the necessary actions to save his M.

Seeking, we all care about you here. We aren’t just concerned about your W and M, but also about you and your personal recovery! Hope you will keep posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Suzet

[color:"navy"]Hi Seeking.
I (as well as other MB friends) am wondering if you are still reading here at this MB site. (I imagine you are.)

How are you doing; are you coming any closer to making a decision? (Even the decision to continue cheating on your W is a decision, the WRONG decision.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Just know we care and will be very happy for you, especially if you make the CHOICE to get back on the right path in your life.

Doesn't it sound rather exciting to have a CLEAR CONSCIOUS once again?

Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />[/color]

[color:"blueviolet"][b]Hi Seeking.
Are you still reading here at MB?

My above message to you still applies.

I keep reading your thread title:

WH new to MB seeking advice on what to do????

And that is what we did and what we do BEST.
GIVE ADVICE; especially when asked!~lol~

Sincerely, Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />