Where are the folks who "knew" that God's will would prevail and I wouldn't be divorced?
CXH,
I spent the first several months of my now XH's A trying to figure out just when God was going to step in and save my M because I know he hates divorce. I know he CAN do anything. Granted, I am DV because I filed--not because my XH filed. But I filed because at the end of his first year in his A, he was living with the OW, rarely even speaking to me, and when he did it was often a financial or other threat. He wasn't exactly fence-sitting. I saw little hope of his returning, so I cut him loose.
I don't blame God. I know God could have saved my marriage. He chose not to, for whatever reason. And as I move forward, and my life is more peaceful than it was when I was M, and I am able to be closer to Him (though I still have a long way to go and need to rearrange some more priorities), there have strangely been many blessings that have come out of this tragic situation. I have to believe that THAT is God's will for me--to grow in other ways.
I don't know anything about the M you had. I DO understand your statement that your love is not gone. Neither is mine for my XH. I still miss the daylights out of him sometimes. I still can't spend time reminscing about the past or I break down in tears. When I do talk to him on occasion, I still find myself asking about things in his life and sharing my suggestions, just like I always did when we were married. (In fact, I'm getting teary-eyed typing this).
I wish sometimes that I could wake up and just not care about him anymore. I don't see that happening after 2 decades spent with him. I imagine you will feel things for your XW for years--maybe always.
But you can also have a good life despite what happened. It will just be different than you anticipated originally.
Take advantage of each minute you get to spend with your daughter. Granted, I got custody of my kids--but my son left for college right before my DV was final, so I felt I lost a H and a son all within a couple months. But my relationship with both kids has greatly grown since I separated, because instead of walking on eggshells all the time trying to keep the peace with my husband and often ignoring them in the process, I can now concentrate fully on them. I've gotten to know them a lot better in the last year.
As for dating--each time I think of that I get this panic feeling. I think it's a combined fear of not being able to please someone else, of being rejected, and strangely enough, of being unfaithful to my XH. So while this life can be darned lonely, especially at night when the only company I have is my dogs and I long to have someone hold me and love me, I don't think I'm ready to jump into anything new yet. But I've only been DV for 5 months.
Take your time moving into a new relationship. Like people have told me over and over--find yourself first.
You will be okay. Hold on to your faith. It's what has gotten me through.
