Gimble:

I glommed on2 this statement of yours:

"It is, of course, your choice to care or not."

And that's the whole point. Loving his W isn't a feeling based on how she treats him badly or attaboys (that's a verb) him when she feels good. That would be romantic love, chemical love, infa2ation love. The REAL love is the undertone of care that he gives her in spite of her behavior - perceived or real. It is a choice, not a feeling.

I believe that AD loves his W in a real sense, but gets overwhelmed by his own expectations of reciprocation. Heck, I did/do that all the time, still. But AD's W isn't "ma2re" enough 2 give that kind of love back - yet.

This si2ation doesn't sound unrecoverable 2 me at all. But it may be a case where the best thing for AD 2 do, for his own personal growth if nothing else, is 2 work through the pain. Experience it, strive 2 understand it, and 2rn it in2 joy somehow.

That's what I've been doing, I realize. It takes a LONG time, believe me - I registered here when the ground was still warm 2 the touch. But it works.

-ol' 2long

2Long,

Thanks for stopping by. I'm lonely here. If it werent for Gimble, I'd almost be talking to myself here.


Yeah, that sounds about right, 2Long.

What an unreasonable fellow I am, to expect reciprocation.

I do appreciate that somebody can see that I love her. I wish she did.

She called me yesterday at the office - in a bad mood - crying, complaining about everything (mostly about being sick with this ugly flu). She said that she was so lonely and had nobody to talk to - that she wanted to call her Mom and just get a dose of mothering - but she was afraid. Her Mom almost never comes through for her - and she just couldn't face the possibility of calling home, only to be asked "when are you going to graduate? When are you going to stop screwing up your life? Etc. etc." I really felt sorry for her that she's in that situation, but I'm glad she didn't call her Mom. She gets hurt every time.

I want to take care of her while she's sick, but I'm not doing a very good job of it. When she is cruel to me, I just leave her alone. This particular week, the fever makes her even more irritable than usual. I had it a few days ago and I know what it's like - feel like you're going to die and don't really care. She had 105 on Saturday afternoon, but it went down quickly.

2Long,

You are probably right that this is something that, if we can work through it, will .... make us.... stronger and more unified in some glorious future - or not. A D now would be the easy path for me, but maybe not the best path - especially for our daughter. I'm sure we'll have conflicts in the future even if D'd.

We recieved the D papers from my lawyer by email - draft for review. Already W is asking for changes, although everything is just as we agreed. She wants college funding, and even private school funding in there. I don't want them in there - because I don't want my entire relationship with my child reduced to a court-ordered funding scheme. I'd like to be able to give something to my child that nobody is forcing me to do. I'll make sure she has an opportunity for a good education, but I would be crushed to have it boiled down to living my entire life under a court order - so that even my child can say "Daddy, you have to pay this or that, because the court says so." That stinks. I want to do it because I want to do it, not because somebody says I have to.

Off-track again.....

-AD

Good Morning!

Well, it's raining - and the roof at "my" house (the other house that I have not even visited for the last month) still leaks, as far as I know. I feel like I have constantly too many things to do - too many things to take care of - and nobody to help me.

OK, enough grumbling. enough whining. I'm going to decide to be HAPPY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Oops, wrong smiley. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Ah, there it is.

Yesterday, I went home early - to take a nap. Never got one. W got one, but she's sicker than I so I don't mind that she had priority on the nap.

Things were looking up yesterday. The sun was shining, W seemed to be returning to health (no fever). DD seems to have bounced back even faster. But we started talking about the D papers. W wants me to put college funding in there for DD. Of course, I'll make sure she gets an education. I just don't want to be forced. But I said that already.

So, just as we were talking about going out to dinner, an argument broke out about college funding in the D papers. I left and went back to work. After awhile, I thought "I want to go buy something for my daughter" - and off to the store I went.

Now, my little girl, having very firmly established in her mind that she is a girl and further figured out some of the things that distinguish girls from non-girls, has lately refused to wear anything but dresses. This is a normal gender-identification process that every child goes through - but right now, it's inconvenient - since she still is at an age where she occationally (nor more than 6 times per hour) likes to lie on her back and stick her feet in the air - which is not propper for any dress-wearing person. But we'll get there. So, she refuses to wear pants and half her dresses are too short. W has been trying to force everything I do for DD in the future into teh "required" catagory and I was feeling that "Ok, you can require me to do that, but I'm going to be super-ultra-disneyland dad just to spite you - and of course to please my DD too". Anyway, so off the store to buy dresses. Guess who's at the same store - just arriving ahead of me. Yeah, W and DD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I walked up and said "We've been living together too long. We think alike." So, we went in and shopped together. Oh boy! All the little girl dresses were on half-price. We bought 17 of 'em!

I'm smiling now. I may be broker than broke, but I'm smiling.

After we got home and DD in bed, another argument about I don't remember what broke out. I started to pack to move to the other house. W talked me out of it. I ended up rubbing her feet - and off to our respective rooms in opposite corners of the house at something like 1:30am.

Another morning too tired to work, but I gotta smile about all those dresses! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(Yeah, I know this is not plan A, B or D, it is plan C - "C" for Chaos.)

-AD

Oh how I miss the days of dresses, ribbons and bows.

Now it's blue jeans, baseball caps & roller blades. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I am having a basketball net put up on the garage soon and maybe even a fort of some kind in the back, as I have to figure out ways to keep her and her little friends in my yard so I can keep my eyes on her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It just gets more and more fun AD, as they develop into their own unique little selves.

Weaver,

Oh she's already her own little person - very much so. Her Mom rarely wears dresses. The dress thing comes from maybe watching too much "Alice in wonderland" (Alice wears a dress).

And if she gets a drop of water on her sleeve, oh my!, what moaning and commotion : "I need another dress!", she shouts. She changes 4 times a day - and she has been dragging out these two-year-old little dresses that are way too short. So, we had to do something. Now she has plenty to choose from.

You can hardly get her to wear even pajama pants. She wants a dress to sleep in.

But she sure is cute!

-AD

Update:

Well, there has been no dinner nor dancing this weekend.

W is still recovering from the flu - still has sore throat and bad cough, but no fever.

The weekend has had it's downs and ups. No big ups, but I'm still living at home, but just barely.

Twice this weekend I was resolved to go to the other house. If it were more comfortably set up - and the roof didn't leak - I would have been gone by now. I'm in a serious avoidance about that roof. I absolutely hate that the roof leaks over there. I've had the roofers out (new roof 18 months ago) several times and it still leaks. I'm going to have to just climb up there and fix it myself. It so frustrating to hire the pro's and they don't get the job done. I had contractor lined up to repair the damage - just gotta get the leak stopped first. I hate for things to be damaged like that. It's a great house and the roof leaks - just kills me.

OK, so I didn't move over there because I can't face that - but I have to. I don't even care about the repair costs - even would pay (shouldn't have to pay them to fix a new roof that they put on) if I could be sure that it was done.

Grumbling... but that's part of my marriage problem. W wants me to be more proactive about things like that. I can understand her completely. I'm disgusted with myself that I haven't gotten it taken care of. But, I've got two houses (with 7 bathrooms altogether) to maintain, 3 cars (not counting nephew's car which is still on my insurance), and all the yard stuff and a job too - and all the time my energy is sucked out by conflicts with my wife.

But back to the marriage issues. I think W was talking to OM Friday night after midnight on the cell. She locked her room door - and I hear her talking quietly on the phone. If it were her Mom, she would be shouting on the phone (since it is always a bad connection over there). Nobody else she would call after midnight. I knocked. She hung up - hoping I wouldn't notice that she was on the phone. (It was the cell). When I asked about it, she said she was talking to nephew (who had stopped by to pick up a few more of this things a few hours earlier). I told her I didn't believe that. She said, "well, we just have to trust each other". I said "no we don't".

Lots of other stuff going on - it all happens too fact to stay on top of it. Right now, we're kinda ok with each other - had a nice lunch.

I know some of you think my wife is a bad Mom because I only report the bad things she does as a mom. There are a long of good things, but I don't list them. Maybe that's a problem that I need to address in myself. But here's another bad one. We rarely go to church. This hurts me a lot. Being involved in the church is very important to me. I finally quit going because I was tired of people asking where my wife is. Probably I should have toughed it out - or just changed churches. Anyway, this morning, W wanted to take our little girl to church. I was glad - and tried to facilitate it as best I could. W was fussing over DD's clothes - and demanding that I do something about DD's tights being twisted. It's like something out of a sick comedy. I ran upstairs to bring some different tights. W took one look at them and said "those are just like the one's she has on. Go F**k yourself!". This, from a woman dressing her daughter for church. It doesn't even surprise me anymore.

DD was good and patient and they did make it there - but I think they went to a 10:30 service at 11:00 - so it was pretty short.

This is the kind of thing from W that I just filter out - but when I stop and think how far down we've fallen - that I met her (more or less) in church - that the most pleasant times I had when we were first dating - were when I used to pick her up and take her to the evening service every week during the first summer that I knew her - and that she always (not only on Sunday) carried a Bible with her in those days. She is so completely not the woman I wanted to marry - that I thought she was then. I can't stand to think about that. It's about 1000 times worse than thinking about that leaking roof that never gets fixed.

-AD

A few more thoughts...

Gimble, you wrote that you thought my w was feeling insecure for lack of boundaries. One thing she told me this weekend (not for the first time) was that sometimes she starts arguments with me just to get some reaction out of me. To be more precise, she feels the lack of the harsh treatment she got from her Mom. She equates "love" and "security" with the things her Mom did to her - and when she does not get a dose of angry, abusive shouting, she provokes me and provokes me and provokes me until she gets something - although I'm sure it's never satisfactory, since I rarely shout at her, and almost never call her names or insult her.

So she has this broken perception of what love is - and maybe even when she is being verbally abusive to me, it is her version of what her Mom did to her - and to her in some twisted way, it is equated to love.

She repeatedly says that she hopes there is some way to save the marriage, but almost immediately after brings her Mom into it and says that she could not stand to hear her Mom go around saying that she (MIL) "saved our marriage by telling her (W) what she must do". I understand her frustration. At some point, however, she just has to tune her Mom out and do what's best for herself and for our child. But, she has a little copy of her Mom grafted into her mind and her little "inner abuser" constantly insults her in her mind. She cannot escape from that without excising that mental cancer.

There was something else I wanted to say...

Oh, W repeated again (at least twice recently) that she "wants to be be a woman - wants to be weak". Her view of womanhood requires weakness - or at least the right to give up responsibility for everything - and have her husband take care of it for her. I'm not sure how to cope with that. Whether we D or not, someday I'll be gone. What advantage will weakness be then? Somebody will come along and either take advantage of her - or take care of her. We cannot assume it will be the latter.

I can't help but speculate on the sufficiency of OM for this task. Honestly, I don't think OM would take advantage of her - in the sense that most people think of it - except that in a way he has taken advantage of her weakness as a way of lifting his low self-esteem. But, if she had to rely on him, he would try to take care of her as best he could. I don't know if he would be strong enough to endure the kind of treatment that I have endured. I doubt it, but I don't know what he would do if subjected to such treatment. His brother killed himself, when faced with a demanding W, but I don't know what he (OM) would do.

-AD

Hi, AD.

Quote:
===================================
She repeatedly says that she hopes there is some way to save the marriage, but almost immediately after brings her Mom into it and says that she could not stand to hear her Mom go around saying that she (MIL) "saved our marriage by telling her (W) what she must do".
===================================

I hate to sound like a broken record. Please re-read my post to you.

What your wife is saying to you is simply this: "AD, YOU tell me what we need to do to save our marriage. AD, YOU take charge of this mess and ME. AD, I equate strength with love. Show me your strength, not your tolerance or your martyr to my vitriolic behavior. Show me you love me."

AD, maybe I am all wrong, but I see your wife almost with a flashing neon sign on her forehead, flashing "LOVE ME, AD, PLEASE LOVE ME".

Gimble

Gimble,

I'm sure that you are right - that she wants me to love her. Sometimes when she was very withdrawn from me and there had been a lot of conflict - when she had made it very clear that she doesn't love me - she would still ask "do you care about me?". She hasn't done that in a while.

But Gimble, for all the talk about wanting to be weak - about wanting me to lead her - she doesn't follow my lead when I give it. Almost without exception, whatever I suggest, whatever I propose, she angrily rejects.

BTW Gimble, it seems that you are the last person who still bothers to read this thread. Thanks for sticking around.

I'm thinking about your post.

-AD

Hey AD!

I still read. I just haven't had much 2 say until now.

I think my W is a lot like yours in that she would rather I blow up at her than what she thinks I'm doing - bottling things up or ignoring them.

I don't. I've tried 2 comply with her 'wishes' without success, in the past. I've even tried 2 keep my thoughts 2 myself, thinking that was what she wanted or what was good for her, again without success.

Best thing for me has been 2 be ME, as authentically as I possibly can, and hope that that is what she wants in the long run. Anything else would be acting.

She even commented about one of the news stories we saw last week about putting up fronts (don't remember the story anymore). She commented that "everybody acts." I was annoyed with myself for not thinking of a response at the moment, but decided 2 send her an email later. I'm glad I did, even though it 2k her until this morning 2 even comment on it.

I sent her the Earl for an article about hiding ourselves and acting:

http://iloveulove.com/unconditlove/yourmask.htm

She said she read most of it, but it was 2long. At least she said it was "interesting." So, maybe some of it will soak in. Nothing much has before now.

-ol' 2long

Well, 2long, I started to read it - and get the idea - but it is 2long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

In many ways, I'm one of the few who refused, for the most part, to put on the mask. One pays a price for that. People expect you to pretend. My w, in particular, expects me to pretend - although she wouldn't call it that.

Although I'm very reluctant to put on the mask, I think that with my w I do to some extent. She, for example, is very insecure in conversation - so I've learned to say "yes, I see ... uh huh .. oh really!" - a constant stream of meaningless sounds just to reassure her that I am listening. Of course, I can do that without actually listening - but it makes her think I'm listening. Sometimes, when I'm tired, I don't do that. Instead, I just listen. She often complains "You are not listening!" (because I'm not talking). There are other peculiarities in my relationship to her that are not genuine - but are simply what I think I have to do to keep her settled down. She's a talker - and I'm the kind of person who cannot simply let the sounds wash over me - I have to try to integrate everything that she says into my model of the universe - and that is work. It's just the way I am. For me, listening is work. I get tired sometimes - tired of her talking. I rarely tell her that. A (good) husband is never supposed to get tired of his wife talking. Of course, every real husband does - but we are told that is only because every real husband is bad.

But in the more general sense of masking - I think I hold out pretty well. I don't drive cars for other people to look at them. I don't live where I live to impress anybody (although some might be impressed with the neighborhood). I live in Alabama, and I'm not ashamed of it. Some of your coastals have a habit of looking down - way down - at us southerners - especially those from "the heart of Dixie" (which is the slogan on our license plates). I don't feel like I have to move just to prove that I'm a "cultured person" - even though there are a lot of people who believe that there are no cultured persons in 'Bama. While we're talking "culture", although I enjoy, for example, much of classical music, I never thought I had to pretend to like some kind of "arts", (which I try to honestly call "entertainment" - to the great annoyance of my wife) just because somebody said it was "high". I refer to the works of Tolstoy and his compatriots as "fiction", (excelent fiction, but "lies" as Samuel Clemmons called it) much to her dismay. Nor, on the other hand, do I have to pretend to be interested in the Civil War or Football just because I was born in the south. Etc.

Now my post is too long (not 2long).

But I do appreciate you reminding me - that while I still can, I need to pull off whatever masking is on there.

Thanks,
-AD

Actually, 2long, the more I think about it... I thank you again for posting that link. It is a central issue.

One of my w's favorite books is "The Catcher in the Rye". The main character in that book is always griping about "phonies" (sp?). Maybe my simplicity and genuiness (to whatever extent I have those attributes) is part of what attracted my w to me in the first place - and is something I need to reemphesise. (sp?)

(Oh, and I don't pretend to know how to spell, nor do I pretend to think it's important to spell)

-AD

I realize this is 3 posts in a row for me, but this is my thread - even if it is becoming somewhat narcissistic.

UPDATE:

Monday evening went pretty well - after not such a good start. I'm not really over the flu - went home and slept all afternoon. W and DD went for a walk. W's friend (neighbor) phoned (woke me) to invite W for a walk and I informed that they are already "out there". After awhile (phone and doorbell conspiring against sleep), I walked out myself and found them on the way home - and a few cheerful words with neighbors (neighbor man said DD looked like a rainbow - she has a really cool rainbow sweater), came in for hot chocolate (it was uncharacteristicly cold for this time of year).

I suggested to W that we go buy her some shoes - and guys, you should remember that this is an invitation that will rarely be refused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> - so off we went. Since DD changes clothes in a flash whenever she has been subjected to wearing pants - which her mom put her in for the walk, she had already changed into some kind of leotard. I re-dressed DD in one of her new dresses, pink jumper style dress, with with a long-sleeved red shirt and striped red, pink, purple, white etc. tights (since it was cool). W approved of my choice - and DD was happy enough with it - put shoes on the girl (also pink) and off we went.

3 pairs of shoes later, we were driving home - stopped for fast food. W was feeding me fries while I drove home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We went in her "new" car - which I drove at her insistence and without any complaint (well, there was the one prefunctory complaint at the beginning), about me "always driving her car." As we neared our development, we, unfortunately, terminated the life of a small wild creature on the road, which upset W. W asked me to wash her car after we got home. I drove around looking for a carwash that was still open (after 11pm), with no luck. W wasn't too upset - asked me just to hose it down, which I did. I don't think there was any bloody fur on there anyway - it's just the thought of it that was bothering her. She remmbered an incident from or 8 years ago - before we were married, when somebody in the lane next to us hit a dog. This is the kind of memory she hangs on to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She mis-remembered it that I hit the dog. I corrected her. Ah, memories.

Maybe someday she could remember the time I took her out and bought 3 pairs of shoes on a Monday night in April. Not that it's all that exciting, but at least its positive.

Oh, and as she went to bed (in "her" room), I knocked and asked for a hug - which she was pleased to give.

-AD

OK, 4 posts in a row - definitely narcissistic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

While I'm reminiscing, I recall that 8 years ago, in the dog incident, I immediately said in Russian "sobaka pogib" - and was quite pleased with myself that this popped out of my mouth. W immediately corrected me, that since "sobaka" is feminine, I should have said "sobaka pogibla" (the dog perished). Ah, more memories.

-AD

AD:

First, a threadjack.

Since my W and you 2th think that the Mask article was 2long, I've taken the liberty of condensing it in 2 ways. First, I removed all the vowels. 2nd, I left the vowels and removed all the consonants. Let me know which you prefer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

First version:

"Rmvng r Msk

b Brr Lng
lng, lng tm g, whn hmn bngs wr nt s fxd n thr phscl bds s th r td, thr lvd mn (r ws t wmn?) wh md fr hmslf mrvls msk - msk tht cld pll mn fcs. Th mn sd t pt n th msk nd ntrtn hmslf b sddnl ccstng ppl nd wtchng thr rctns. Smtms th msk wld b lghng, smtms crng, smtms grmcng nd scwlng. Hs vctms wr lws shckd t th sght f sch n xtrrdnr, nntrl, nfmlr fc - vn whn t ws smlng. Whthr th lghd r crd md n dffrnc t hm. ll h wntd ws th xctmnt f thr rctns. H knw h ws hmslf bhnd th msk. H knw h ws th jkr - nd tht th jk ws n thm.

Mskng rslf

t frst, h'd pp t wth th msk n cpl f tms d. Thn, s h gt sd t th xctmnt nd wntd mr, h bgn lvng th msk n ll d. Fnll, h sw n nd t tk t ff t ll - nd slpt n t.


Th bggst ld 'r crrng n r lf s r prsnlt - th strn f prtns.


Fr rs, th mn wndrd thrgh th lnd njng hmslf bhnd th msk. Thn n d h wk, flng flng h'd nvr flt bfr - h flt lnl, ct-ff, smthng mssng. Jmpng p n lrm h stppd t n frnt f btfl wmn - nd mmdtl h fll n lv wth hr. Bt th wmn scrmd nd rn w, shckd b th frghtnng, nfmlr fc.

"Stp," h crd, "t's nt m!" wrnchng t th msk t tr t ff. Bt t ws hm. Th msk wldn't cm ff. t ws stck t hs flsh. t hd bcm hs fc. Th mn, thrgh hs fbls msk, ws th frst prsn t ntr ths nhpp wrld.

Tm wnt b. N mttr hw hrd h trd t tll vrn wht dsstr h'd brght n hmslf, n n wld blv hm. N n ws ntrstd n lstnng nw, bcs th'd ll cpd hm. Th'd ll pt n msks f thr wn - t gt th nw xctmnt f plng t bng wht th wr nt. Lk hm, th'd ll bcm th msk.

Hw th mn vntll pt stp t th msqrd nd rtrnd t hs js bng, s th fnl f th str; fr ll fbls mst hv hpp ndng. Hwvr, nl whn , th rdr, r js nd fr f nhppnss nw (whch s n mmnt) wll th str trl cm t n nd. Fr r th mn r wmn n th msk.

Th Prsnl Msk

Th msk r wrng s r prsnlt. Lk n th bthrm mrrr - tht's t. Wtch th fc pll. Smtms pprvng; ftn dspprvng. cn't rll blv t's . S lk n vr pssng mrrr, vn shp wndws, t rssr rslf nd cnfrm t's . Smtms, vn gt th wrd, rrtnl flng f wntng t strp ff th msk, dn't ? Ths s nt ncmmn. t's jst tht ppl dn't lk t tlk bt t; t snds sll. Bt t's nt s sll, s t? - whn strt bng hnst.

Th bggst ld 'r crrng n r lf s r prsnlt - th strn f prtns. Kpng t p wghs dwn nd scks th lf t f . blm s mn thngs fr th flng f hvnss nd lck f lf. blm r wrk, r rltnshps, r dt, r prblms. nd t t's r prsnlt tht hs ct ff frm r ntrl j nd vbrnc.

Th prsnlt mks wrrd nd mtnl. t's th cs f r mds nd slf-dbt, r dprssns nd tms f msr. t cnfss r mnd. t's frfl f th ftr nd glt r rgrtfl f th pst. t gts lstlss, brd nd rstlss wth th prsnt. t's th nsspctd shdw tht slds n btwn nd r prtnr. t's th cnnng nd knwng n th s. t lvs ff vr knd f stmls, gd nd bd, dprssn nd xctmnt. nd t's ttrl trrfd f bng fnd t - dscvrd s th phn nd splr t s.

D rcgnz n f ths smptms n rslf? Thn 'r rd t bgn dsmntlng th prsnlt. s dsmntl bcs th prsnlt s `mntl', clk. nd 'v thrwn th mntl f th prsnlt rnd , t shld frm th nstnss f th wrld nd th hrtflnss f ppl.

hv md th prsnlt r prtctr. hv hndd vr mch f r thrt. S th prsnlt jmps t r dfns mmdtl whn fl hrt, thrtnd r crtczd. t hts t fr wth prcng r bldgnng wrds. Smtms wnc t ts vlnc nd nsnstvt. Bt thn t's r chmpn, r dfndr. S mkl g lng wth ts ftn ppllng bhvr, nd mk xcss fr t t rslf. Th wl prtctr, gvn bslt pwr, bcms th bslt dcttr. nd dspr f vr bng fr.

Th trth s, hv n nd f ths prtctn. Th prsnlt s lk bll t schl whs gng nc jnd t b n th sf sd. ftr 'v grwn p h cms bck nd cnvncs tht stll nd hm. H's bl t d ths bcs, wtht knwng t, hrbr ll th pn f strd - th ld frs nd hrts f r chldhd, r th nd dlt lf. Th bll, knwng r fr, wn't lv ln. nd 'r trrfd t ls hs prtctn.

Ntwthstndng ths, th prsnlt ds hv ts plc nd rl. t mks rttn mstr, bt s gd srvnt. Th srvnt mst n lngr b llwd t rn r lf. t's fld t p lng ngh.

vrthng prcv s wrng wth th wrld s th rslt f smn's prsnlt. n fct, th wrld tslf ws cnstrctd b prsnlt's gnrnc. Tht's wh th wrld s sch crl, xplttv nd dshnst plc, cmprd wth th bt nd ntgrt f th rth nd ntr. Jst s th prsnlt lvs ff , nd drns r rsrcs, s th wrld s xhstng th rth's rsrcs.

Dvlpng Chrctr

Bhnd vr prsnlt, bhnd vr msk, s chrctr. Chrctr s r Gd-gvn nqnss. Chrctr s wht hv t rtrn t mr cnscsl n rslf - th chrctr f r js bng bhnd th prsnlt. vrbd wtht xcptn hs chrctr. Th prsnlt s ftn bscrs nd dprvs f th plsr f r chrctr, bt ths lvbl r dmrbl chrctr pprs whn th prsnlt s n lngr ctv, whn th frntl wrnss s cnnctd drctl wth th flm f nncnc. Th mn r wmn s thn sn n dffrnt lght; th nq chrctr shns frth, nd w fl plsd r prvlgd t b n thr cmpn.

Th strss f th prsnlt rss t f th trrbl cntrdctn f trng t hld n t xstnc, whl th lf tht r lts g vr mmnt. Lf s cslss mvmnt. vrthng nw s dffrnt n sm w t wht t ws strd.

Wh dn't w mv lk lf, wth th spd f lv tht lts g vr mmnt? Th nswr s n th tw wrds lf nd xstnc. Lf s n xstnc bt xstnc s nt lf. Lf s nw vr mmnt. xstnc ls shld b nw vr mmnt, bt w hld n t t nd t bcms pnfl. f dn't hld n t xstnc, r th lf n t, nw vr mmnt. Thn th tw bcm hrmn. Thn bng s js.

Th hrmns ntrchng btwn lf wthn nd xstnc wtht dpnds n kpng r psch fr-flwng. Th prsnlt clgs th pschc sstm whch s ntrll vr mvng. Th prsnlt frz-frms r xstnc. W'v frz-frmd r hss, r pssssns, r chldrn; nd md thm `mn'. W hng n t thm s thgh th'd dsppr f w dn't clng t thm. t's ll d t th nscr prsnlt tht fls t mst thr hld n r ls ts dntt. S w fght ppl r cntrs t hld n t wht w hv. Bt lf s w s t rnd s, bhnd ll th prsnbl ppl nd thr prsnl prblms, hlds n t nthng.

Tm T nrgz

S nw w cm t th crcl qstn. Hw cn lrn t lt g, nd b lf tht s nw vr mmnt? Hw d strt t lv jsl? Th nswr s hv t gt mr nrg.

Th rmrkbl thng s tht ll th nrg rqr s lrd n nw. Bt t's bng wstd b r prsnlt. Thr s nl s mch nrg n r sstm, r bd. t's nt nlmtd, bt thr s sffcnt t nbl t rlz th trth; t rtrn t th js lf bhnd th msk - r rgnl, vst nd ntrbld stt f bng."

2nd condensed version:

"eoi You a

y ay o
A o, o ie ao, e ua ei ee o o ixe i ei yia oie a ey ae oay, ee ie a a (o a i a oa?) o ae o ie a aeou a - a a a ou u ay ae. e a ue o u o e a a eeai ie y uey aoi eoe a ai ei eaio. oeie e a ou e aui, oeie yi, oeie iai a oi. i ii ee aay oe a e i o u a exaoiay, uaua, uaiia ae - ee e i a ii. ee ey aue o ie ae o ieee o i. A e ae a e exiee o ei eaio. e e e a ie ei e a. e e e a e oe - a a e oe a o e.

ai Youe

A i, e' o ou i e a o a oue o ie a ay. e, a e o ue o e exiee a ae oe, e ea eai e a o a ay. iay, e a o ee o ae i o a a - a e i i.


e ie oa you'e ayi i you ie i you eoaiy - e ai o eee.


o yea, e a aee ou e a eoyi ie ei e a. e oe ay e aoe, eei a eei e' ee e eoe - e e oey, u-o, oei ii. ui u i aa e ee ou i o o a eauiu oa - a ieiaey e e i oe i e. u e oa eae a a aay, oe y e iei, uaiia ae.

"o," e ie, "I' o e!" ei a e a o ea i o. u i a i. e a ou' oe o. I a u o i e. I a eoe i ae. e a, ou i auou a, a e i eo o ee i uay o.

ie e y. o ae o a e ie o e eeyoe a a iae e' ou o ie, o oe ou eiee i. o oe a ieee i iei ayay, eaue ey' a oie i. ey' a u o a o ei o - o e e e exiee o ayi a ei a ey ee o. ie i, ey' a eoe e a.

o e a eeuay u a o o e aueae a eue o i oyou ei, i e iae o e oy; o a ae u ae a ay ei. oee, oy e you, e eae, ae oyou a ee o uaie o (i i ay oe) i e oy uy oe o a e. o you ae e a o oa i e a.

e eoa a

e a you ae eai i you eoaiy. oo i e aoo io - a' i. a e ae you u. oeie aoi; oe iaoi. You a' eay eiee i' you. o you oo i eey ai io, ee o io, o eaue youe a oi i' YOU. oeie, you ee e e ei, iaioa eei o ai o i o e a, o' you? i i o uoo. I' u a eoe o' ie o a aou i; i ou iy. u i' o o iy, i i? - e you a ei oe.

e ie oa you'e ayi i you ie i you eoaiy - e ai o eee. eei i u ei you o a u e ie ou o you. You ae o ay i o e eei o eaie a a o ie. You ae you o, you eaioi, you ie, you oe. A ye i' you eoaiy a a u you o o you aua oy a iay.

e eoaiy ae you oie a eoioa. I' e aue o you oo a e-ou, you eeio a ie o iey. I oue you i. I' eau o e uue a uiy o eeu o e a. I e ie, oe a ee i e ee. I' e uuee ao a ie i eee you a you ae. I' e ui a oi i e eye. I ie o eey i o iuu, oo a a, eeio a exiee. A i' uey eiie o ei ou ou - ioee a e oy a oie i i.

o you eoie ay o ee yo i youe? e you'e eay o ei iai e eoaiy. I ay iae eaue e eoaiy i a `ae', a oa. A you'e o e ae o e eoaiy aou you, o ie you o e aie o e o a e uue o eoe.

You ae ae e eoaiy you oeo. You ae ae oe u o you auoiy. o e eoaiy u o you eee ieiaey e you ee u, eaee o iiie. I i ou o you i iei o ueoi o. oeie you ie a i ioee a ieiiiy. u e i' you aio, you eee. o you eey o ao i i oe aai eaio, a ae exue o i o youe. e iy oeo, ie aoue oe, eoe e aoue iao. A you eai o ee ei ee.

e u i, you ae o ee o i oeio. e eoaiy i ie a uy a oo oe a you oe oie o e o e ae ie. Ae you'e o u e oe a a oie you a you i ee i. e' ae o o i eaue, iou oi i, you ao a e ai o yeeay - e o ea a u o you ioo, you you a au ie. e uy, oi you ea, o' eae you aoe. A you'e eiie o oe i oeio.

oiai i, e eoaiy oe ae i ae a oe. I ae a oe ae, u i a oo ea. e ea u o oe e aoe o u you ie. I' oue i u o eou.

Eeyi you eeie a o i e o i e eu o oeoe' eoaiy. I a, e o ie a oue y eoaiy' ioae. a' y e o i u a ue, exoiaie a ioe ae, oae i e eauy a ieiy o e ea a aue. u a e eoaiy ie o you, a ai you eoue, o e o i exaui e ea' eoue.

eeoi aae

ei eey eoaiy, ei eey a, i a aae. aae i you o-ie uiuee. aae i a you ae o eu o oe oiouy i youe - e aae o you oyou ei ei e eoaiy. Eeyoy iou exeio a aae. e eoaiy o oe oue a eie you o e eaue o you aae, u i oae o aiae aae aea e e eoaiy i o oe aie, e e oa aaee i oee iey i e ae o ioee. e a o oa i e ee i a iee i; e uiue aae ie o, a e ee eae o iiee o e i ei oay.

e e o e eoaiy aie ou o e eie oaiio o yi o o o o exiee, ie e ie a you ae e o eey oe. ie i eaee oee. Eeyi o i iee i oe ay o a i a yeeay.

y o' e oe ie ie, i e ee o oe a e o eey oe? e ae i i e o o ie a exiee. ie i i exiee u exiee i o ie. ie i e eey oe. Exiee ao ou e e eey oe, u e o o o i a i eoe aiu. I you o' o o o exiee, you ae e ie i i, e eey oe. e e o eoe a aoy. e ei i oyou.

e aoiou ieae eee ie ii a exiee iou ee o you eei you ye ee-oi. e eoaiy o e yi ye i i auay ee oi. e eoaiy eee-ae ou exiee. e'e eee-ae ou oue, ou oeio, ou ie; a ae e `ie'. e a o o e a ou ey' iaea i e o' i o e. I' a ue o e ieue eoaiy a ee i u eie o o o oe i ieiy. o e i eoe o ouie o o o o a e ae. u ie a e ee i aou u, ei a e eoae eoe a ei eoa oe, o o o oi.

ie o Eeie

o o e oe o e uia ueio. o a you ea o e o, a e ie a i e eey oe? o o you a o ie oyouy? e ae i you ae o e oe eey.

e eaae i i a a e eey you euie i aeay i you o. u i' ei ae y you eoaiy. ee i oy o u eey i you ye, you oy. I' o uiie, u ee i uiie o eae you o eaie e u; o eu you o e oyou ie ei e a - you oiia, a a uoue ae o ei."

Short enough for you?
Hope this helps!
-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All seriousness aside...

AD:

I agree with you. When I read that article, like when my W said that we all act, I thought "I don't. I don't act, I don't put on pretenses."

Maybe I'd just like 2 think that I don't and everybody else does and it's foolish. I don't know. Mostly I try not 2 be 2 judgmental of what others may be thinking, or what my W may have meant by what she said. But it's hard 2 not say anything, when you think you know something that might help. Hard, because it could come across as educating. ... heck, most of what I sent my W over the past 3.5 years DID come across that way. At least, it was usually ignored, and I've interpreted it as not being well-received.

But I really thought that this article would be helpful. Maybe it was, in spite of her complaint about the length. And maybe that's why she's been more cheerful over the past few days than I remember in a long time.

We can only try, huh? Do our best.

-ol' 2long

Shoot. I have a lot more I want 2 say about your posts above, but something came up at work I need 2 deal with.

Be a few hours, at least.

-ol' 2long

2Long,

You know, I didn't notice this part at first ...


Very interesting!!


Hey, it helps a lot!

-AD

Hi, AD

I think you did great on the shoe trip. She will remember. She will also remember the hug at bedtime.

I didn't get to read the mask article yet. I do want to remind you, that making changes to one's self, is not wearing a mask.

Deciding to meet your wife's needs is just that, a choice.

I still think that if you are willing to change the way you view and engage in certain behaviors, and are willing to add a few new ones to your repertoire of AD's characteristics, you may just find yourself in possession of a fine wife.

All the best,
Gimble

(this is a short post to replace a long one that was lost)

Gimble,

Thanks for the encouraging words.

And I agree completely with you that making changes to please your spouse is not a mask. In general, after more thought, the entire mask issue seems far less clear than it did on first reading. Social adaptation is a normal part of life at all ages - and the boundary between social adaptation and "masking" is far from clear in my mind.

I'm interested to hear what further 2Long has to say about it.

-AD