Hey, wait a gol darned minute there!

...or am I 2late?

-ol' 2long

I think so and I do understand why you need to step back from the boards. I know you are tired and need to put your energy where it can be used the best right now.

Take care of yourself AD, and maybe you'll give an update once in awhile, heh?

God bless you and your family,

weaver

2Long,


Yeah, I know, get a few folks interested in my story, then I bail.

Well, I've asked the mods to block the IP address of my work computer. I've been spending WAY too much time at the office on the MB forum. Right now, the most important thing I can do for my marriage is demonstrate to my W some enthusiasm in my work. (A raise would be nice too.)

So... in the interest of not losing my job, I'm off the boards during the 8-5 central time.

I may check in from home. But really, I think I know what I need to try to do. In 4-5 months I'll either be D'd or recovering.

I need to focus my time and energy.

I'll miss the folks here - and honestly, some of the dramas. Maybe I'll be back.

2Long, it took me a whole gol darned lot longer than a minute to post this, so there you are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AD

Weaver,

Thanks again! Maybe I'll be back sometime. If so, see ya then.

-AD

2Long,

Seriously MB11094@yahoo.com - if you decide you want ... well I described myself already - somebody along on one o them 'laskan water adventures. For sure. I'm a decent fellow. I don't whine unless I'm really uncomfortable (mosquitos, blistered hands, aching arms from rowing etc.) After some aclimation to the labors of the situation, I might be OK. That's MB11094@yahoo.com

And...

Gimble,

If you ever do launch that three-man fly drowning competition with me and FGG, just shoot off an email. I don't check that mailbox every day, so send the mail as soon as you suspect you might do something like that.

-AD

Now you folks all know that nobody ever escapes the MB forum except by death, so I'm sure you knew I would be back. <sigh>

I just got off the phone with the guy at the DNA lab. They recieved the item I sent to them, but wanted to clarify the kind of test to perform. For the info of you BH's, if you have a suspected semen stain on your wife's garment, the test you want is a "Y chromasone test" - with a control DNA sample from yourself.

Now, in my case, the only value of this test is to have "scientific proof" of what I already know. This is most likely to be useful either as a negotiating tool in an uncontested D, or as something to wake my WW up to where she really is in her life. The plain truth in black and white on a laboratory report may be a wakup call. We'll see.

Meanwhile, in my life...

Work is going a little better, but still I'm at less than 50% efficiency. Much room for improvement there. I asked the mods to ban my work computer from the MB forum, but they didn't do it - so I'm still able to spend time here when I should be working.

Relationship at home is volatile. A couple of times lately W wanted a snuggle.

I'm trying very hard not to LB. That is my #2 task (after being a good worker). For anybody here who imagines that I'm the perfectly innocent good H who is being mistreated by my W, I have to confess that this is not entirely true. I have a particular pattern of LB's which I'm sure hurts my wife. In particular, I am defensive; but going farther, I realize that when my W begins to hurt me with a verbal assault, I hurt her back. So now, my constant discipline is to rotate this mantra in my skull - "no defense". No matter what she says, I will have "no defense" - and certainly "no offense".

I wrote last week (or whenever it was) that I knew what my path should be. That is not entirely true. When I discover some contact between W and OM I have a hard time. I want to escape. I completely forget whatever it was that I was supposed to be doing.

This has happened at least twice in the last week.

W had been talking to OM a lot on her cell - 19 hours on the most recent bill.

A few days ago I told W that I knew she talked to OM on the cell and if she did not stop, I was going to move out - and possible file for D on the grounds of adultry. I realize that such a threat is not in line with the advice that Gimble would give. Sorry. Probably Gimble is right.

Two days later, I checked her cell and found that the call history had been cleared. She has finally figured out how to do that. But what she didn't know is that I cleared the timers - and can see how many minutes she talked since cleared them. Also, I can look on the verizon web site and see how many minutes she has used even before the bill. I can see when the minutes go up overnight and I know with whom she has been talking.

So, I went to her and told her "clearing the call history from your cell doesn't keep me from finding out. I get a detailed bill with every call - number, time and length - on it." She seemed a little lost for a response to that.

I had earlier written on this thread that I didn't want her to know how I know - because she would just find a way around it. Now, when I call home during the day, the phone is often busy. She is talking to him on the house phone. I don't at present have any way to check that.

This is the pattern.
I catch her and tell her how I caught her.
She switches to a different mode of contact.
I catch her again and tell her...
She switches again...

So, I have no basis on which to trust her. If I'm unable to trust her, then I will D her.

We are supposed to drive to FL tomorrow. I don't know if we are going. 4 days in close quarters may be more than I can take. If we constantly remind ourselves that we are doing it for DD, it might be OK.

Which reminds me, I need to buy a portable DVD player. It's 12 hours each way.

-AD

Hi folks,

I'm in Orlando.

We're surviving.

There was one really unpleasant bedroom incident Thursday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Mostly we just keep on going.

I'm on one of those pay cash to browse kiosks ... and my time is running out.

I think I'll move out as soon as we get back - or perhaps over the M-day holiday. I have a 4 day weekend then.

-AD

G'mornin'

I think I lost my readers when I told you I was leaving MB. But since they didn't ban my IP address - and I have an MB addiction, here I am. If anybody reads, take a moment and say "Hi". OK?

I'm back home - or rather at the office.

The trip....

The actual travelling part was better than any car trip we have taken in recent years. W didn't blow up at me and start calling me names and slamming doors etc. - like she usually does on long trips. That's amazing for 26 hours in the car with my dear nervous w. She did say "I can't take it anymore!" at least once on the trip home (when I stopped for coffee for the 2nd time in 2 hours) - but it was a pretty feeble effort at a blowup. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> W sat behind me with DD while I drove. When she drove for a couple of hours, I also sat back there also. Maybe that made it better - minimal communication. W did rub my shoulders a bit (for about 15 seconds) during the last couple of hours of the drive. Several times, she thanked me for driving.

As a vacation, I suppose it was pretty poor for us adults - but I think it was OK for DD4.

We had a 2-room suite kindof thing. They call it a "villa", but it's on the 6th floor. It's amazing that a 6th floor one-br appartment is now called a "villa".

Other than the one intimate disaster, I slept on the couch in the living area, while DD and W shared the bed in the other room.

I spent some time sitting by myself on the balcony of the "villa", looking out over the palm trees and golfers - feeling sorry for myself (in the present) or imagining my future single life.

I think we hardly treat each other as people anymore. W seems like almost a stranger to me - and I talk to her as if I'm chopping wood - just bang out the basic functional communication. There's no fun in it, no feeling. I hate being like that.

Better work now.

-AD

I keep thinking about my vows.

When I wrote the vows, I didn't anticipate that W would have an affair. When we were getting ready to be married, W was very anxious about the possibility of being abandoned. So, I wrote industrial strength vows. She agreed to them, and that's what we used. Now, nobody else except us seems to care what was in our vows. Nobody anywhere seems to care about vows in general. Divorce courts don't care. It's sad.

I'm sure that many on MB would tell me that as soon as W broke her vows, I was off the hook. I don't see it that way.

Even then, I was talking to our pastor about it, before the wedding, and I said


The pastor didn't engage me on this point - just said "yeah, that's right" - without seeming interested in pursuing the point. Maybe he was distracted by something - or maybe he knew very well how it often works out.

To carry out the vows unilaterally is an act of self sacrifice - that, it seems, not even the MB gurus advise - at least in the case of an A.

I wish I was strong enough to do it.

But is my life, given to my W like that, worth anything? Is there a point beyond which keeping the vows in the face of infidelity is a purely self-serving thing - to allow one to be "the good guy"?

I don't expect to be done thinking about this until the end of my life.

-AD

I'm anxiously awaiting the results from the DNA lab (Y chromasone comparison). I'm pretty sure they will be a negative match, which is a positive result as an "infidelity test", which I suppose is a negative thing in general, but is postive for me since I think it is useful for me to have "scientific proof" in hand.

Is that clear?

By the way, for your edutainment, if the Y chromasomes (sp?) mismatch - even in one marker, then the two DNA samples were from two different males. It's a 100% reliable test for infidelity. They can get some Y even if the guilty party had a vasectomy.

-AD

In an immigration forum I also monitor, somebody who filed their citizenship application exactly a month before my wife did - recieved an interview letter yesterday. So, there is hope that my W will recieve hers in about a month, have her interview in about 2 months - and the oath ceremony (where she'll really become a citizen) in about 3 or 4 months. Things are moving on that front.

Meanwhile, yesterday we were recovering from our long drive and vacation. In the evening, W was sitting watching TV and I came and sat nearby for a minute. She asked "where do you see us a year from today?". I replied, "since it's a Monday night in May. DD will be with you at your place, and I'll be at my place." She replied, "is there any other possibility?". I replied "well, I suppose there is - and I would like another alternative, but I just don't see it happening."

This morning, W came in my bedroom as I was getting up to go to the shower. She got in bed and pulled up the covers. I was up. She asked me to put some callous-removing thingy on her foot. I did that, showered, dressed, went to work. She called a couple of times this morning - everything pretty low key.

W really is a very different person when she is not enrolled in classes. She has an "I" hanging over her - just needs to write a paper sometime this summer. The last two "I"'s she had turned in to "F"s because she procrastinated until it was too late to do the work. In a way, I think an "I" is worse than an "F" - since it's a kind of long spread out torture for procrastinators. This morning, I reminded her that everything is calm now and she can work on her paper. She told me to leave her alone - not vigorously, but without any particular energy. I will leave her alone. She knows about the "I" and it's her problem. I expect her to get very cranky in a few months as the deadline approaches.

Still no email from the DNA lab. From the info on their web site I expected something faster than this. Of course it was Wednesday when I spoke to them by phone and straighted out the order to get the right kind of test - and I think they are mostly a "storefront" - and, perhaps after some preliminary "extraction" to convert the samples into a more convenient form, will send the samples out to a different lab for actual testing.

-AD

Boy, when I chased everybody away and said I was going to get off of MB, I didn't realize how hard it would be to get a nod from you guys if I came back.

I'm lonely in here. This is not a forum, it's a blog!

-----------
Update:

Work:

The last two days at work I accomplished nothing. That must change!

... and I was out 2 days last week doing Orlando.

Home:

W dug out the 3rd part of LOTR last night - and we watched the movie til 2am - kinda snuggly on the couch. Why? I mean why didn't I go to bed instead of staying up til 2am - when I had to work today - and a dental appointment at 8am?

I don't know.

Am I hoping for something? Do I think that sitting up late watching a movie with my W (when she doesn't have to go anywhere today and can sleep in) is going to change anything?

No. JPS - (just plain stupid)

The one thing I could do that I think would really get my W's attention would be to be excellent in my work. And here I am fumbling around... and reading/posting on MB instead of working.

Finance/Housing:

On the financial/housing front, the guy who wanted to rent my other house called yesterday. He's still interested - and his lease is up at the end of MAY. I thought it was june. So, I need to decide about that. He wants a 2-year lease. Of course, if one guy saw the house, which was not listed or anything, hunted me down and offered to rent it, it seems likely that others might be interested too - but a bird in hand...

Speaking of hands...

On the one hand, I was seriously thinking of moving over there at the end of the month.

On the other hand, W and I are co-habiting with a sustainable amount of friction right now - and having the rent money coming in would be a great relief financially.

I can imagine that we could be D'ed by the end of the year, then I could find an apartment, get other parts of my life squared away for awhile (focus on my work, lose some weight, reconnect with old friends etc.), then by the time I'm ready to date etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> - it wouldn't be that long before I would have my house back in a year or so. That would coincide with the end of the temporary alimony. The rent I would pay for an apt. would be half as much as the rent that was coming in on my house.

LADIES : Q: (I'll post this separately too) If you were dating, how much weight would you give to where a guy lives? If a guy (late 40's) lived in a moderately priced apartment, would that make you less interested in him than if he lived in a nice house - with 3 acres and a grand piano in the LR? Of course, the guy living in the simple place would have more money to go places and do things. (I think I know the answer... and I'll need a new car too.)

Also on the financial front, I got myself a bit more credit approved - which gives me some "headroom" to get through any cash-flow squeeze should I decide to move out.

If anybody reads this - just leave a sign. OK?

-AD

Yesterday evening was pretty quiet.

W took DD4 to church! on a Wednesday night!

Amazing. Actually, she wanted to sign DD up for the children's choir, but discovered that they are off for the summer. They returned quickly.

I was fiddling around not doing much of anything - very tired since the previous night I had 5 hours sleep.

W cooked something - we ate - very low key - during dinner, W asked me "Are you OK?". I said "yes, I'm OK".

We started to put DD to bed early. As was our old routine, I took DD out of the bath, wrapped her in a towel, and she asked "Let's go see Mommy" (This was the old routine a few months ago - and we have started doing it again the last 2 days. W puts DD in the bath. I take her out... W dresses her for bed, brushes her teeth. etc.) A few months ago, WW was wanting me to put DD to bed every night while she watched TV. Now, she does it all herself most of the time - probably afraid that I'll try for custody. It's nice that DD still wants that routine, although she's getting big for it. My part in it is pretty small, but DD insists that I be the one to do it. DD insists that I, while still holding her in my arms wrapped in a towel, gather her pajamas and robe before taking her down to Mom - who at this time of day is typically watching TV or at the computer. DD can perfectly well dress herself, but its no big deal to baby her a bit at bedtime.

So, I gathered the stuff and took DD down to "see Mommy". (I had forgotten that part of the old routine is that I am supposed to say to W "I have a gift for you." To which W is supposed to reply "Oh, what a nice gift". I'll have to reintroduce that line tonight.) W dressed DD and took her back upstairs to put her to bed.

I was putting away the laundry in "my" room (the MBR). W came in and asked me to set an alarm for 4:30 - since she had some guests coming this morning and wanted to do some housecleaning in the early morning. I said "OK, I'll go set your alarm". W replied "My alarm doesn't work. I'll just sleep here with you." When I started to walk out, she objected. I said "I just want to finish some things downstairs." I knew she would fall asleep quickly. It was tempting to stay, but I went downstairs and slept on the couch. She woke me at 4:30 - seeming a little angry (that I slept on the couch) - and told me to go upstairs to sleep - which I did.

When I got up at 7 or so, she had done a pretty good job of cleaning. I rubbed her shoulders a bit while she stood in the kitchen working on something. She asked "Who's back are you going to rub if we divorce?" I made no reply.

Still no response from the DNA lab. I'm working very poorly the last few days.

-AD

AD,

That is so sweet! I really like that routine.

Sure hope WW comes to her senses and goes NC with OM soon, before the worst comes to pass.

Hey Weav,

Thanks for stopping in - and for the supportive words.

Maybe it's not a blog after all.

I remember we used to sing songs to DD every night - both of us - together. Of course, as a child grows, everything changes. Now bedtime is usually covered by my W - since December or so.

I've been reading your thread - and have not much to add there.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I think your X is trying to make a good financial deal - and is perhaps only halfway serious about getting back together with you. He probably doesn't know what he wants for the relationship, but everybody knows what they want when it comes to money. So, he's trying to work both the money and relationship - and it's not working for you. Sorry.

Thanks again for stopping in on my thread.

-AD

I'm shamelessly bumping my thread
just to say....

I still didn't get anything from the DNA lab. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know what the results will be, but I want to have black and white report in hand for one last futile confrontation with W.

She will be hurt, afraid, humilated, angry, indignant, enraged, etc.

But maybe her eyes will open to see what I see - that the #1 feature of our little family is an unfaithful wife.

Probably she won't see it that way, but will launch a tirade of blameshifting.

I have 4 days off over memorial day - and a spare house.

All I need is a spare man to help me move my stuff.

'letricity and water are on.

I'll need to get Internet hooked up.

I'll take W's cell phone for mine (it's in my name).

New phase will begin.

Meanwhile, W just today discovered that she is not as close to graduation as she supposed. She'll need 3 or 4 more classes plus completing the "I" and repeating one "F". She's in a real tizzyfunk about that. She said (as she often does) "I can't take anything else!" Then "we can't get divorced, I'm not ready." (or something to that effect).

My biggest worry is getting "our" house sold - 'cause W "does't want to move twice". Also, she doesn't have any income until the D is filed. Hmmm. Well, I guess she'll have to go along with me and file the uncontested D. Meanwhile, I'll continue to pay all the essential bills.

Gotta get the cable TV turned off - save a few bucks a month.

Rambling now. Anybody say "Hi" if you happen to be here. OK?

-AD

AD:

Boy, as you know, I've been a bit distracted of late.

"In an immigration forum I also monitor, somebody who filed their citizenship application exactly a month before my wife did - recieved an interview letter yesterday. So, there is hope that my W will recieve hers in about a month, have her interview in about 2 months - and the oath ceremony (where she'll really become a citizen) in about 3 or 4 months. Things are moving on that front."

I don't really have a lot 2 offer, so I'll tell you a funny story instead.

A friend of mine at work is from VA. His W is from China. He met while she was a post-doc here.

After they M'd she 2k her citizenship interview.

When the interviewer asked her: "Who was president during the Civil War?"

She answered: "Well, I know it was Abraham Lincoln, but my H says it was Jeff Davis."

The interviewer laughed and said "you know this stuff, you can go!"

-ol' 2long

(laughter is heard in the dark and empty halls of *******)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My bro has the same birthday as ol' Jeff - which I wouldn't know except it useta be a state holiday here - and he had to wait until he was 16 years and one day to get his drivers license. (my bro, that is, not Jeff. My bro's getting old, but not that old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

-AD

Turned off cable as of tomorrow.

First tiny step in shutting down "our" house.

-AD