I'm wondering what all of you think of this:

We met with my lawyer on the Tuesday before Easter to set up the temporary custody/visitation agreement. WH agreed to all the terms. The papers were ready for me to sign on the Monday after Easter and WH was faxed the papers to look over the next day. I spoke to him for quite some time on Sunday (three days ago) and he was still in agreement with the terms. As of today, a week after he was faxed the papers, he has yet to return them signed to the lawyer - and he was off work on Monday, so he had time. Why do you think he has not returned the papers? He is supposed to have the children for the first time at his place this weekend. He knows that the weekend visitations will not begin until he signs the agreement. Is this a mind game?

Update on Plan A: I called him last night and asked him for advice on getting replacement miniblinds. He was very helpful and didn't seem upset that I called him. He still uses a lot of "us" and "we" in his conversations with me (referring to him and me, not MOW). Habit?

Hi, Pebbles.

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Why do you think he has not returned the papers? He is supposed to have the children for the first time at his place this weekend. He knows that the weekend visitations will not begin until he signs the agreement. Is this a mind game?
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It doesn't matter if it is a game to him or not. No visitation without the signed agreement - other that at your home, of course.

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Update on Plan A: I called him last night and asked him for advice on getting replacement miniblinds. He was very helpful and didn't seem upset that I called him. He still uses a lot of "us" and "we" in his conversations with me (referring to him and me, not MOW). Habit?===================================

Habit or not, it is sometimes good that they can be hard to break.

Now, I am thinking that the kitchen needs remodeling, what do you think :-)

Maybe you can ask him over to discuss it. Get his opinion. Make sure to have his favorite drink and sandwich ready.

Don't forget, if the other woman comes up, call her "John's(whatever the other woman's husband's name is) wife"

You might consider calling out 'Faithinme' and ask for her opinion on how she treated her husband when he was at home. She did a remarkably good Plan A. FIM, if you are reading, can you give some advice to Pebbles?

All the best,
Gimble

Thanks, Gimble. Good advice, as usual.

The kitchen remodeling would be great, but he'd probably just be mad that I was thinking of spending money. But I know I'll definitely need help putting up those new miniblinds. This is an old house, things are bound to fall apart and need fixing from time to time (wink, wink).

Yes, I will do that. I may also refer to her as "Mrs. Lastname."

I would definitely be interested in Faithinme's advice and impressions, as well as anyone else who can offer sympathy and/or advice.

I think you may want to look over the 180 list by Michele Weiner-Davis at Divorcebusting and see about incorporating a few of those suggestions into your plan A. You can devise your own 180 plan. You can do a search on the old MB site and find threads that discuss this and come up with lists to look over to give you some ideas. I think it can complement Harley's Plan A just fine. It's all about being a better you. You can try to meet his EN's as opportunities arise.

You can appear to be moving on. Don't appear needy, whiny, nagging, threatening, demanding. Be the best Pebbles you can be. Get a make over if you haven't changed your look in a while. Since you have lost some weight you may need some new clothes for the spring. When you speak to him you can be calm and loving. Continue to make use of reverse babble. Make attempts at seeming upbeat. Don't always be waiting by the phone or too anxious to take his calls. Add a little mystery to your schedule but still be the sane one here. Get fresh air and exercise. Start working out it that is something you don't already do.

Do whatever you need to do to level your emotions out a bit. If you need to be on AD's then get a prescription if you haven't already done so.

My H's longest A had to run it's full course before it finally ended. The A ended in spite of the OW getting D'd.

I printed out the list. Thank you for the suggestion. Some of these things I was doing instinctively. Gee, wouldn't that be something if I was actually doing something right?? I will incorporate some of the other list items, too. From what I have been reading here, most of the items on the 180 list seems to fit Plan A quite well, IMO.

Actually, the things you have suggested are a major part of the plan I have been following. The first week or so I was very tearful. I hope I didn't blow it then.

It just seems like the more calm, upbeat, and kind I am to him, the more cruel and devious he becomes. Is this still following the script? Or has he become even more entrenched in his A? Or both???

Peb

As long as the contact continues with the OW your H will have difficulty making up his mind. In my case the OW in a sense co-operated because as she said "there was no place else for us to go". She wasn't going to leave her H and I wasn't going to leave my W. We both had too much to lose if the A continued.

W/O C with the OW your H will realize he has too much to lose. OW's H need to put more pressure on her.

I hope this is revelent to your disscussion.. It's hard to jump in on a thread after so much has already been said. Looks you've been talking to very good people.
H

Yes, absolutely this is relevant. I have been hoping for the input of a FWH. Does it sound to you like he's following the script? I would appreciate any insight into what might be going on in his head.

I did not get the impression from OWH that he was very upset by the news that his wife was involved in an A with my husband. Of course, I don't know the man, so I'm not sure if I was reading his reaction accurately. Somehow WH did find out about the call without me telling him about it, so I wonder... I don't think I can count on him to help break up the A. And - WH is surrounded by A enablers, to that complicates things for me.

From what I can tell, WH is still deeply entrenched in his A. His parents even think they are living together, even though he swore to me and my lawyer that they are not. He seems to be plotting against me (financially, custody, etc.) behind my back to further his "new life."

With the A going on for at least a year, I worry about how serious he is about MOW.

Peb

I don't know if I can tell you what is in his head but you can look in mine if you are brave enough.

You only have what he says...script or not. I think you need to take strong measures to protect yourself. Obviously he is only thinking of himself. You may not be able to know for sure just how OW's H is reacting. I know that I did not want my children or family to know of the A.

If you mean those people around him will not condem his behavior it may only mean that they know he is going to do what ever he wants to do anyway. I don't think that there was anyone around me that could have stopped the A. The only ones that could were OW and myself. She ended it although I agreed that it was right for it to end. She contacted me about nine months later and we started talking but we never saw each other again. My W found out about the renewed contact and informed OW's H. By what I knew of OW's H that was a very bad thing for her. I sometimes wish I could know that all was OK with them but I know I never can. I decided that I needed to spend my energy doing what I needed to do making it all OK for my W and I.

I am here to share with those who may get some help in making their lives whole again. I get busy and forget to check in with those I've responded to...perhaps with this new system I'll be better able to get back to people in the future.
H

Couldn't be any scarier than what must be lurking under the rocks in my WH's head. Bring it on, LOL!

Very good points, Hiker. I am trying to make legal arrangements to protect myself and the children. It does make it even more difficult when he agrees to terms in my lawyer's office and then delays when it comes time to actually sign anything.

I am pretty sure I have the custody/visitation under control, for the moment. Now my worry is financial. WH keeps telling me I should "trust him" and that he "would never do anything to hurt his family." Do those statements seem ironic to anyone else? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Sure, I'll be a gullible, trusting, good girl like I have been for the last 15+ years and take his word for it - not!

Still, here I am, trying to be the "lighthouse." Sadly, my bulb seems to be a bit dim at the moment and the fog seems to be too thick for WH to see through.

P.S. A friend sent me some "cheer up" flowers today, pretty apricot roses. I have them on the table in an obvious, yet hopefully not too obvious, location. Perhaps WH will notice them when/if he comes over to the see the kids this weekend.