A year ago today I experienced the most devastating emotional state I’ve ever endured. I found myself in a hospital, depressed b/c my W wanted to leave the M for to be with her ‘Soulmate’. She left me there to go to him 1000 miles away. A year has passed since I worked regularly, since there was any real order in my life. I literally felt that I was worthless and worth less than anyone else. I didn’t want to die, but didn’t care to live either. Only the thought of my boys being raised by the OM and the love I felt from my friends kept me from crossing into an irretrievable abyss. A year later I’m here, healing. I have faithful friends, strengthened connections, and the possibility of a relationship that honors who I am. Yet still…

I find myself today wondering why my heart is still aching. Why can’t I fully enjoy the company I keep, why I still long for her home, our family intact.

As I watched the last days of the Pontiff admiring the courage and Faith with which he made his transition. I felt somehow guilty. I have so many blessings and here I am still struggling with depression and dealing with the loss of someone who could discard our life together for the promise of pleasure.
I’ve literally been broken. If it weren’t for good friends and communities like MB’s I’d be an unfortunate statistic. I’ve spent nearly 2 years reacting, rebuking, responding and recovering. Little time have I spent on rebuilding. So now I work, on every level to carve out a new life while being the best father my boys can have (they deserve no less). When does this pain end? When does this attachment to my former W abate? How can I get back to happy?

I don't know, dlc. Sometimes I think it's very indulgent to be so caught up in my suffering. After all, the only thing that distinguishes it from other losses - like disease or the death of a loved one - is that someone you love did it to you, and might even regret it one day.

Sorry, dlc... I'm too sleepy to do a good post. Good night,

GC

Dlee,

U w/b happy when you are ready t/b happy. U m/b saying.....what does she mean? Of course you are ready t/b happy but your actions show otherwise. U R holding onto your causes of unhappiness thinking that is what you must do. In reality, what you must do is whatever it takes to keep your family together and yourself afloat. Keeping your family together means NOT keeping the WS as part of your family. It is your W who you want in your family and not the WS. A WS is not good for a spouse nor children. Yet at times, a family must deal with a WS.

So what t/d? Strengthen yourself and your family. Make a plan to break away from the WS and let your W know that it is your W your family wants back, not the WS. If your W can not be found, then gather your family around, having a mourning period for the passing or disappearance of your W and move forward. Put closure on the fact that if the WS has taken over the entire mind, heart and soul of your W, she can't come back. For sure the WS can't come back and fit into your family. Later if your W should return as your W and not as the WS, it w/b your decision whether you allow her back or not.

See most of it is up to you.

Hugz,
L.

That makes sense Orchid. The WW has been in place for so long that I wonder if I ever was married to anyone else. 2 A's, covering a quarter of our M. It is, as you said a time for letting go, of mourning. I just didn't figure I'd feel like this a year after such betrayal...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, dleigh.

The possibility of anything new, even a wonderful new relationship, can be clouded by wishing things were back to the way things were before "everything fell apart." Wouldn't it be great if we all had our own little time machines.

But life doesn't work that way. As Iyanla Vanzant says, remain open, there is something bigger than you know going on here. It sounds like God is smiling on you, even if you're not ready to smile on your own life yet. Allow the blessings into your life -- even if you do not "feel" blessed. Feelings are a poor temperature gauge of what's going on anyway. If we were led by our feelings 100% of the time, we'd do what your xW did all the time. Be led by your vision for your life, your dreams, and what you know deep down inside you truly deserve.

I hope you are welcoming the support of the new lady in your life. Is she also divorced? Has she also experienced the pain of infidelity? You may be sitting on a treasure there, use it. Let yourself be loved. And allow yourself to be afraid without being paralyzed. It is actually quite freeing.

Hope this helps.

Indeed, the lady I'm talking to is divorced b/c of infedelity. Her xH did return to the M, she said but she 'spent two years punishing him' for what he did. she eventually left him. She chalks it up to lack of faith, ego, and immaturity. Her concern with me is that I am mature enough to accept my xW upon her 'inevitable' return.

Right you are, too about feelings. last year I just felt like dying. not cool. But getting past my feelings has been a daunting task, at best.

Thanks for your input. It does help.

Well, ARE you in space where you WOULD take your xW back?

When you are with the new lady, do you talk a lot about your A, D, xW? Do you have pictures of xW laying around your house? People don't just think up possibilities, there must be some evidence of it somewhere that you may be (even if unconsciously) feeding into.

When people are growing, they attract other growing people, not "stuck" people. It is up to you to make your life be what it is meant to be. I know it is hard to get UNSTUCK from your feelings, but remember they are just tools, they are sucky masters.

The return of your WXW is not inevitable.

There's one unavoidable element here: so long as she believes that her choices are not her own, as long as she blames forces outside herself for her own horrible behavior - you, the children, magic fairy dust - your WXW is something less than the person you thought she was and wish she would be.

That could change, but there's no guarantee it will. She can live her whole life that way. People do it all the time. They're miserable, but they do it.

There's a good chance that one day your WXW will think, Boy did I eff that up. I gave up the wonderful dlc for a bunch of nonsense, and I screwed up our children's lives for a mirage.

That doesn't mean she'll do anything about it. And even if she does, you're under no obligation to leave the door open for her.

GC

So happens that this lady is a personal coach who specializes in relationships. She observes my commitment o my sons my forgiving nature and combines it with what she knows about relationships and attachments. She then “does the math”. For example, she has encouraged me to attend a personal empowerment retreat she’s been in/taught foe. She’s seen lives improved, businesses flourish and marriages reconcile. Although I don’t see the possibility now, she says, a man of my nature on this growth path is a beacon to a WW. See my post on this sitch


Ironically it is this expressed concern that makes me feel like I’m in limbo. xW is GONE in every relevant way. New R is affected by the possibilities of her return. Me? I’m upset that as I try to get away from it, it doesn’t get away from me.

To me the biggest difference is the rejection. The rejection distinguishes it from other losses such as a loved one dying. When someone dies they usually do not have a choice in it. There is no rejection involved. Reading yoour post ia like reading about my greated fears. The fear of not recovering if my marriage ends up in divorce. The fear of spending the rest of my life depressed and partially empty. Everyone says stuff like this will get better with time. I wonder why some people are able to move on much quicker and get their joy back, while others continue to struggle for what must feel like an eternity. There is a Christian book by Joel Olsteen called Your Best Life Now. When I start feeling my lowest I try to read it. For me it helps.

Like I said, growing people attract other growing people. If you're stuck, or she perceives you as stuck, then have her see you differently. Or else do her the favor of releasing her to be with someone who IS emotionally available to her.

Are you close to her? Have you seen her lately? Sometimes when we are in such a state of turmoil, it helps to talk it out, to let people in. If you're pulling away, there's no telling what is going on in her mind in reaction to your withdrawal.

If she's so convinced you will eventually return to xW, I'd SERIOUSLY look at the signals you are sending (lingering pictures, lingering conversations about A, D, xW, old life when all was well, talking about "we" when you mean "me and my exwife when all was well", not "new lady and me", etc.)

You deserve to be loved. Let it happen.

It seems, then, that waiting is the operative thing 2 do. wait for my pain to ease; wait until i'm 'emotionally available'. Don't wait however, for xW's fog to lift, b/c as GC said, it may never happen...and life's too short.

I guess SH was on the money when he told me it was going to be a two year journey.

dlc:

Interesting thread...

...and I just LOVE the "2"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"green"] -ol' 2long [/color]

Dleigh,

If you are waiting for WHEN you are emotionally available, financially stable, life is back in order, etc. You will be waiting a long time. Those things don't happen TO YOU. You MAKE THEM HAPPEN.

God is smiling on you my friend, he has presented you with a new hope, he has gifted you with beautiful children, he has put "better connections", as you say, in your way. The only one saying I'm not ready is you. Pay attention. And get out of your own way.

I agreed with Graycloud, sometimes focusing so much on our own suffering is just an easy cop-out so we won't have to risk, we can just stay in our cave. People are hungering to be YOUR friend like you've been a friend to so many, and it seems like you're just hell-bent on your pity party.

Open your mind and receive your blessings. They were put on your path for a reason.

And best of all, don't push people away. Your isolation will just prolong the sadness. Talk it out, share yourself. If you really want to start rebuilding your life, start now. You've been on the sidelines of your life long enough. Order won't restore itself by itself. You make it happen. Love won't come around a second time unless you let it and welcome it.

It's up to you.

dleight,

Some wonderful posts and advice as per GC and Counselor1. Advice that we can all heed as we try to be the best person we can FOR OURSELVES. As per others that are very wise and well read, it is amazing that when the BS moves on with life, that triggers the WS for reapproachment.

BTW, Counselor1 what was your previous nom de plume. You "aint no junior menmber" with the quality of posts referenced above,

I actually AM a junior member, just joined after April Fool's Day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you for the vote of confidence!

But as my screen name references, I'm a counselor, so that may be what you hear in my posts. One of the things I see the most with my clients (I REFUSE to call them patients) is the "they did it to me" mentality -- and it amazes me how much we give up our power to our circumstances.

Although I've never been divorced, I DO know the pain of infidelity. There IS light after the tunnel, whether with your straying spouse or with another love. That's why I've been telling Dleigh to focus on creating something new with his new lady. Sometimes our biggest wake-up calls come with a soft whisper and a warm smile, and we might miss them because we just got out of an [censored]-whopping and a train-wreck. Not all wake-up calls are the same. I mean, let's face it, would a wounded person really be open to healing that comes with a bat?!

So, let's honor our feelings, but let's not be enslaved by them. I heard Wayne Dyer say one time that he was treating a clinically depressed patient and she was resigned to being forever-depressed. He then asked her, "Is there any part of you that is not depressed?" She said no. He asked, "Is the part of you that notices you being depressed ALSO depressed?" She was stumped.

You see, we all have a "noticer" that sees us living this life, that is detached from the circumstances and not embroiled with the viscissitudes of our life. So my invitation is BE the noticer. Live your life, but don't let life live you. The noticer can create new things and new situations because it is not enslaved by the past, it doesn't even KNOW the past because it is always in the present. So, the question isn't "How do I get out of this pain?" The noticer "knows" you're in pain, but isn't in pain itself. The question then becomes "What do I want to create now? Who do I get to be now? What kind of life do I want for myself?" And then go create it. It won't HAPPEN to you, like I said. It will happen because you MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Be blessed!

counselor1:

Gotta run, but like the stuff you posted.

Ever read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now?"

-ol' 2long

Counselor1,

I too love what you're saying...

See 2long, this is the type of counselor I would hope YOU could find to help you in IC!!

Welcome counselor1....awesome posts!

Yes, I have read The Power of Now. Quite an impactful book!

My emotional bottom line is this: I don't think i can stand going through the kind od pain i experienced in the last year. Every affection displayed by this new person has me fearing getting set up. Every polite action by the xW fills me w/ dreaded & suspicion.

I find I'm afraid to love, afraid to trust. I know that's not good b/c it will affect how i love my boys and myself, but it's where i find myself today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />