Thanks Karegh, I have already been praying about this today for God to give me the strength and to help my H hear my words and understand. I will talk to my H about the steps with the email and the account and the email to the OM. I went ahead this morning and deleted the pics out of the accounts. I just wanted them out of there!

The only means of communication with the OM was email and occasional phone contact from work, so there would be nothing else to give my H.

I want my husband to have full trust in me and our marriage and this step is going to happen! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Karegh, gentlsoul & Suzet,

I wanted to give you all an update about last night. I spend some time talking to my husband and I told him everything. I told him about the continued contact and the pictures and I also showed him the emails. He read a few and then I deleted them. It did not go as well as I had hoped but my husband was glad that I was honest with him. I asked him about emailing the OM with a NC email, but he did not want to do that. I also offered to give him the email accounts and he did not want that as well. From his viewpoint, I can do that, but I can also deceive another way, so there is no point for him to have that. I will really have to rebuild the trust that I lost as he really had believed there was no further contact with the OM. I told him that I want to be completely honest from now on and that is why I am telling him and showing him everything.

I was also honest about the other forum and about the last 2 emails I wrote the OM in which the OM did not respond.

I showed my husband this forum and my posts here. He was not too happy about me posting here even though I was seeking help. From his standpoint that is how I messed up with the OM by seeking advice on the other forum. I can understand that he may be uncomfortable with it and told him he may view my posts at any time and that I would not hide anything. But, I think to help him I may not post on here after today, unless he feels totally comfortable.

My husband and I were able to make it church after our talk and that ended up being a good thing. We both went home with a better attitude about it all. I think we will be ok as long as I stay truthful and I keep building that trust with him.

I thank each of your for your encouragement to do the right thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2Bnormal,

Thanks for the update. I was wondering how it goes last night… Congratulations to you for coming clean with your H. I’m so glad you did it and I’m proud of you!:-)

I hope you will still be able to post here and that you and your H can come to an agreement about this.

Suzet

2B-

I'm very glad to hear that things went alright last nite. It might not have been a wonderful time, but I do feel it was a step in the right direction. It sounds to me like you did all the right things friend!!

I can understand your husbands points too. AS far as not wanting to check the email because you could always find another way, well...that is true. And it was something I had to face in my wife's case as well. The only thing I can suggest on that would be for you to ask your husband what you can do to begin re-building that trust. Let him know you understand that this is not an overnite thing, but that you truly mean to do this, and that you want to hear what he needs from you to begin.

As far as posting here...I never thought of it from that perspective, but I can see where he's coming from. One of the classic steps in the beginning of an emotional affair is talking about your relationship problems with an opposite sex friend, so I can see his point. I DO hope that you're able to post periodically, but can absolutely see why it might be better for you to avoid doing so.

Again, great job taking that tough step friend. I told you that you'd feel better...like a weight lifted off of your shoulders. Hang in there, and keep praying and talking with your husband. Good luck!

Karegh and Suzet, thanks for responding.


Karegh, can you tell me or help me understand how you got through this with your wife? It's true what my husband says....I could deceive him again with another email account if I wanted to, but I am not going to. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in previous posts, but this OM helped me get through the first OM. I deceived my huband before about continuing communicating with the first OM, when my husband thought it was over. And now, I did it again with the 2nd OM. So I'm sure you can understand my husband's point there.


Yes, and this is exactly what happened with this OM when he helped me with the first OM. Never thought at all that it would happen but it did! But, I told my husband that there would be no secrets if he would let me post. He can view here anytime. What happened with the OM is that I kept that all a secret and now I have learned greatly from that.

2BNormal,
I admire your strength in showing your H everything last night. That took a lot of guts and I'm sure it wasn't a fun time. In the long run, your H may look back on this as a defining point where true commitment on your part to recovery took place. Congratulations to you.

Remember his pain last night the next time you feel an urge to contact OM. That is what worked the most for me.

I REALLY hope he changes his mind about this forum. It has been an invaluable resource to me in understanding what happened to my M, being able to talk to people in similar circumstances and to focus my energies to a place of recovery. It has taken me ahead in leaps and bounds and without it, I'd be facing this alone (with my H of course). Counseling has been....ok, but honestly, this has helped me more than anything. Perhaps you can come to an agreement on this like Suzet said.

2BNormal, you've come a long way in a short time. Very cool!!!! IMHO, you're doing all the right things to make your M stronger. Feel good about that when you look forward.
GS

Thanks gentlesoul for your encouragement and kind words.


I explained exactly wbat you said, gentlsoul, to my husband. I explained that what I have just read on here alone has helped me tremendously to see what the A was and to see that others have come through similar A's and are progressing in their marriages. My husband is not a big fan of forums and talking to anonymous people. He just doesn't see the benefit of it as I do. I don't know how else to convey this to him that this site has helped me so much. I didn't get near as much help from the marriage counceling sessions we had as I have on this site.

Hello 2Bnormal,,

I felt like your husband did at first too went GS started posting on MB. I thought "here we go again" But, MB has helped us both, and I agree it has been important, as important as counseling.

Tell him to come view my posts, and see for himself, including this one. My goodness, by being here, you are focusing on a positive outlet instead of unhealthy ones, right?

hope he can join us

beavis

Hi beavis, I didn't know that GS's husband...that would be you!...has been posting on this forum! That is so great that you both are on here. GS has been a wonderful encouragement to me! Not sure if my husand would ever post on here, but at least I hope he would continue to let me post.

2B:

I would hope he understands that it is helping YOU towards recovery, and recommitment to your marriage. Perhaps it could also help him see that he is not alone, there are other BS's who were/are in the same boat as him. And perhaps he could get answers for himself to recover as well, its too hard to do it alone, this will probably be the biggest challenge to your marriage, so why not get as much help as necessary to fix it?

my two cents...

aint worth a nickel...

beavis

2B-
Well, as far as how my wife rebuilt the trust, I have to say that it didn't start until she REALLY committed to NC. She was insistent for months after the A ended (and even after she'd re-committed herself to re-building our marriage) that they could still 'just be friends'. And contact between them continued on for almost two months before things finally made her understand how any part of her that she shared with him was a part left OUT of our relationship. Once she got that, I finally saw a real attitude change in her. She welcomed me checking on her in any way I wanted. SHE suggested we install a keylogger when we suspected the kids were doing things online that they shouldn't...and just left it to me to set it up, with no request to have access to it or anything...it's actually still running today, so that we can keep an eye on THEM! LOL

That attitude change, the willingness to be 'an open book', the dedication to re-building our marriage...those were the things that lead to the trust coming back. And even now, when suddenly her OM has appeared back in the same game that we first met him in, I'm not panicked. We talked about it...she made it clear that just because his name showed up on the screen now, it hadn't changed anything. Either of them could have reached out to the other in the past months...but they didn't. She's got NO desire to let him back into our lives in any fashion now, because she KNOWS it would be the end of our marriage.

And there were other things that helped too. She finally learned what it was about her that 'enabled' her to let this happen. Her lack of boundaries in dealing with opposite sex friends was a big part. She LEARNED those boundaries from this, and I've seen her keep them in place. She knows that I still 'worry' sometimes, but she makes every effort to make it as clear as possible to me that she's not the same person who had the affair...that 'alien' is gone. And I absolutely know that is true for myself...haven't seen that alien around here since last summer.

I can understand your husband's worries about your use of this forum. I wasn't comfortable with my wife being online or in online games for a long time after the A myself. So look at my story...and think about what I saw in my wife that reassured me that it was ok. Do YOU know the boundaries now? If so, have you showed your husband that you do? What other things 'enabled' you to have the affair? What steps have you taken to remove those things, or change them so that the affair can't happen again? And has your husband seen those changes?

Until he does see those, he's going to remain scared that it will happen again. It's going to cause him to panic evertime you're near the computer, or on a forum...even if he's got access. I do hope you can remain on the site, my friend. But see to it that your husband can see what I saw in my wife...and he will eventually get to the point where he knows that you're not going back to your old ways. You've got a tougher job than my wife did tho'...two affairs is a LOT more distrust. I personally cannot imagine trying to deal with my wife over something like this a second time. Your husband is one heck of a guy...show him that you know that. You've taken some major steps in showing him that last nite...keep moving forward...one step at a time if need be, but keep doing the right things!

God bless, and good luck!

Karegh, thanks for your insight in how your wife built her trust back in your marriage. Yes, I was a fool in thinking I could just be friends with both of the OM...just as your wife thought she could still be friends with the OM. Can't be! I know my boundaries in that now and what it can lead to and I do know that I cannot hang on to any of it. There has been alot of mistrust because of what I've done for the past 1 1/2 years+ that needs to be re-built and I know it won't happen overnight. I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust for him.

Hi 2BN -
Beavis is my H and he just recently started posting on MB. He has written me some really wonderful things and has gotten to know what MB is all about, so he is supportive now. Our recovery is going very well, and yes, I've had NC since D-day. Our D-days are very close, aren't they? And....we are the same age pretty much. And....we are both doing the right things for our M's. Yeah for us!!

I hope your H gets to know MB and begins to think of it like I do...kind of like group therapy. If any monkey business ever happened in a post, I'm pretty sure about 100 people would start flinging 2x4's all over the place. This, of all boards, would be the wrong place to be inappropriate. And, as long as no private e-mails start, you are pretty safe here. That's just my 2 cents.

I do hope you stay. Again, congrats on "coming clean" last night. Your H will feel better soon - and in the long run he will appreciate all your efforts. ((((((2BNormal)))))))

GS

You know "Karegh", I am truly sorry you cant figure out how to be an "Owl" again. I know you dont think so, but you truly are wise and deserve the moniker Owl.

Perhaps you could choose a new owl: Snowy, Screech, Barn, Great Horned, Spotted, Ferruginous Pygmy, Great Gray, Short-eared or Barred Owl??

Sorry, once a birder, always a birder....

I used to bird a lot more than now, and it is a hobby dominated by retired old men. I often wondered where there wives were? I know it can be quite obsessive of a hobby and wonder if their wives were left behind, while they were out bird-watching? Any spouses of birders out there?
I havent birded in about 7 months, it just doesnt seem important to me right now. I used to make elaborate to-do lists too. The last one I burned, and made a new one with one item on it. Work on my marriage. To this day, that is my most important task to me, everything else pales in comparison...

beavis

Hey everyone I'm still here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I talked to my husband last night and he agreed to let me continuing posting on this forum! He still is not interested in posting, but if it helps me, he says it's ok.

Gentlsoul, yes, we are just about the same age and with close to same D-Days and my husband and I will be married 19 years next month! We've been together for 23 years though! I really need this forum to help me stay focused on my marriage and not to get weak again. It's so encouraging to me that you have stuck to NC right away and that helps me to talk to people like you that are doing so well!! We need to continue to encourage each other!

And I agree with beavis, "Karegh"...you really need to be "Owl" as you have given me such wisdom with your words! I wish I could change my name...but I couldn't come up with anything else and that is what I want is everything 2 B Normal again in my marriage!

I'll consider looking at changing my name back to an 'owl'sometime soon. I'm a lot more comfortable with that as my name, in truth. But I worry that peeps will take me the wrong way with it...I know just enough to know how little I truly know....you know? LOL

I'm glad to hear that your husband agreed to let you continue here on MB, 2Bnormal. Just my thoughts, but where you can, share with him what you learn here. Maybe call him over to the computer to see posts that you find funny, or pertain to your situation. That demonstrates a willingness and desire to have him involved in your online activities...which he needs to have to reassure him that things are improving.

On a personal note (minor threadjack here, 2B....hope you don't mind), my wife and I are to a point where we do still attend MC, but it's only on a monthly basis now. And we have it today. I'm a little nervous about how today is going to go, since over the last month we've had a few things happen. The OM has 'sorta' come back up...as I'd mentioned, we've seen him logged in recently, and when that first occurred, I did NOT take it well. And we still have some issues that we're dealing with...my wife is absolutely in the 'why can't you just let it go, its in the past and it won't happen again' mode. And I DO believe that it won't happen again...but it's been darned hard to 'let it go' sometimes. She doesn't understand that the pain for me is not totally gone, nor do I truly expect it to completely go away for quite sometime. When I've tried to explain that to her, she takes it to mean that I've not forgiven her for what happened...but I have. What I feel isn't anger at her, just an overall sadness at what happened, and some pain that it occurred.

Any suggestions from anyone on how to get that point across to her so that she doesn't take the idea that her A isn't totally forgotten as an LB?

Karegh, I understand what you are saying, but my husband is just not interested in this site. He just isn't interested in what "anonymous" people are saying. I tried to share with him last night a few things. He'll listen, but that's about it. The strange thing is, I asked him about how he felt about me telling him everything the night before, and he said he really didn't think about it at all yesterday. He somehow "blocks" things and has dealt with this so much from me over the past 1 1/2 years, that he just is tired of it and tired of talking about it. So, I need to be sensitive to where he is at.

Regarding your MC and your current situation. I feel that the OM coming back onto that site that your wife is on is very similar to what I had recently with my OM posting on that forum. It upset my husband that the OM posted there. And look what happened, I sent an email to the OM because of it. I'm not saying your wife will contact the OM, but why go where he is at? Is it absolutely necessary that she go there? Are there other sites that she can go to instead of this particular one?

2B-

I understood that he's not interested in MB, and I should have given that a bit more thought. My only thought was to look for a way for you to demonstrate a WILLINGNESS and desire for him to be part of what you do online, as opposed to hiding it (which of course is how the A worked). I guess there's not much more you can do to reassure him that this is 'safe', other than to let him know he's welcome to see your posts anytime.

As far as the OM situation in my case...well, it's kinda complicated. This all started as a result of an online game...Everquest. My wife and I have both played for almost two years, and she met him online in that game last year. We all had 'high level chars' which basically is the result of a lot of time and effort. We did do a rename process which would mean that if he wanted to find us, he'd have to do some research to figure out what we changed our names to. He hasn't been on any of his chars since shortly after the A ended. But avoiding him at this point would either mean leaving behind a lot of other friends and spending about $500 to tranfer these chars to another server, or in completely restarting over on a new server, losing those friends still and also giving up all the work put into what we'd done in game so far. Or...we could (and have considered in the past) giving up playing the game completely.

Hard choices all the way around. We can do any of them, in truth, but given that my wife feels no interest (and I really do believe she's being completely honest in this) in contacting him in any way, not even to just 'see how he's doing', I don't know if we will. It's also REMOTELY possible that a recent change has prompted him to log on and move HIS chars to a different server...won't know until after a few more days and get a chance to see if he's still logging in or not.

Just to let you know, I started my own thread finally here on MB. Take a look and post there if you like, so that you can keep the sanctity of your own thread friend.

Karegh, I have told my husband he can view my posts anytime, but I'm not sure he's too interested. I will continue to reassure him by telling him about what I read here.

I'm not familiar with Everquest, but I can understand what you are saying. It sounds like you and your wife and have done the right thing with changing names so the OM does not know who you both are. I will check out your new thread regarding this. Just a question...what is LB? I'm not familiar with that?

Well, it hasn't been so great of a weekend and still working through many issues with my husband. I really want to get back into counseling. My husband and I only went to about 3 sessions and thought that was all we needed. Of course if I would have stuck to NC, maybe it would have been fine! My husband is not wanting to go, but I'm thinking I may go. I was not particularly thrilled with this first counselor we went to though.

I was wondering if anyone has or is going to a counselor they really like, how did you find him/her? Is there a source somewhere to check out these counselors? We had simply looked in the phone book for a Christian Counselor and now I'm not sure how to go about looking for one. I would appreciate anyone's thoughts here!