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Here's an old thread that can say it better than I can. Bramblerose's Doormat Thread
Me - BS
DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003
DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007
Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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ok---so whats the first part of the plan???
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Good Morning Nikko,
The first part of the plan? I don't know. I haven't had much time to think about it yet. I am still trying to nail down some boundaries.
I got the taxes in to the accountant last night and have a few things to get to him this morning, and I have to finish some paperwork for a lawsuit we have going to try to collect some money owed to us. It's been crazy. But I feel the load lightening.
I browsed the above link but I need to get back and read it all the way through. It looks very very good. I think that will help me see Plan A/doormat differences.
That's as far as I got so far. Thanks for sending over some help-they were/are wonderful and I appreciate all of you so much.
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the idiots are wonderful......do what you need to do---i'll be on later and we can chat!
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Thanks. You're an angel!
Spring is springing around here and it is soooo wonderful. We still have quite a bit of snow on the ground but the temps are coming around. It feels so good! Won't be long till the summer work starts.
As someone on these boards always says(I can't remember who), it's a great day to be alive!
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mr. e i think says it---hes an idiot too!!!lol
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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just bumping it up for ya!!!
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Thanks Nikko!
It was a busy day but a very good one. I got all the stuff done that has been causing me stress (taxes/lawyers) so I am feeling good.
I will have time in the morning to look at the thread and think a little more in depth about the boundaries etc. It has been on my mind but I've had a lot of interuptions. Somehow I can't get my mind around what my boundaries should be. I know they will come to me. I probably have a few and I can't even think what they are.
Anyway, I'm too sleepy to take it on tonite. Thanks for keepin tabs on me.
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M&L, Take your boundaries one at a time. There is no need to panic and think you have to come up with several at once. Start small and you will get there.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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coffee's on.....sounds like you had a good day! good for you. so did i!! got out a bit and enjoyed the weather...it was beautiful!
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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Hi! Thanks for not giving up on me...
Faithful-I'm so glad you said that about taking the boundaries one at a time! I guess I felt like I had to get it all done and done right immediately. Not that anyone said so, it's just what I was feeling without even realizing it. Phew, take a deep breath. I'm not really behind ! (smiley guy here-if I was brave enough to go find one!)
Nikko-my MB angel. Yummy coffee! I have been out enjoying the sun again...ahhhh...it sure does renew a persons innards when the sun is out and the snow is melting...
I am going to re-read this entire thread and go read the doormat thread. I'll be back in a little while!
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M&L, let's work on this together. Think of one boundary...once you name it let's work on implementing it, Ok?
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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O.K. FF...here goes.
Ijust re-read nikkos beginning boundaries and I think a good place for me to start would be time together...on just us. H can spend days on end talking about our business, stock trading (an addiction in my opinion) or anything BUT us. He says our business is US. I disagree. I want it to be separate and not control our lives. I think 1 hour every day on just us would be great! I know it's not the 15 hrs. a week but I think it would be a good start.
I don't know how to approach him with the idea but there's a start. Whew, that wasn't so hard. Yet.
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Ok, you can approach this a couple different ways depending your on H's personality. Men in general don't like direct R talk. Have you done the recreational activity questionairre? I was thinking maybe you POJA a specific time for R talk. The kind of where are we, what do we need to work on type stuff. If he is resistant, start with 15 minute increments. The rest of the time can be spent on enjoyable activities. Even going for walks gets the adrenaline up and makes for enjoyable time. Conversation may naturally begin to flow this way.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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i would suggest spending the time doing something enjoyable to you both....let the relationship talk wait. i say that for a reason...your love banks ar low... very low.....buikd them up first if possible before the talks. recovery and relationship talks in the beginning almost always drain some love units. you guys have to reconnect having fun first i think.
i do worry about the somewhat verbal abuse....if that isnt adressed---this is going to be very difficult if not impossible....
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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M&L, Nikko is right for now just keep it to enjoyable activities. I do think though if there are A issues to talk about that you set a specific time and length of the convo and then let it go.
The emotional abuse...hmmm.. I suffered through that with my H for about 3 years. I let it wear me down to the point that I thought I deserved it. If he mocks you I would suggest you not play into it and just quietly disengage.
M&L, it sounds to me like you are willing to give your M one last try before you move on. I fully support it if that is what you feel you need to do for your kids. But remember to not let your kids see you take abuse from your H. Calmly be strong and stand up for yourself.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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yeah----what she said!!!!! LOL
faiths idea about specific times to speak is perfect---also make it for only one hour. dont want to overload them.lol
so we are going to work on enjoyable activities and ways for you to disengage from his abuse.
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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gotta go for a bit---ccd practice for our sons first holy communion....be back maybe later---hubby will be home so im not sure if i'll be back or not....if not i will be checking first thing in the morning!!!
what we do in life......echoes in eternity!
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very good ideas...
About the verbal abuse...what are you seeing/hearing from me that needs immediate work? I agree it needs to change..not sure how to go about it.
I like the recreational thing first. Kind of light, becoming more comfortable before the heavy stuff.
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Why don't you try calmly disengaging when it starts, see what happens.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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