Hi TNT, remember me from the other night? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have only read your first couple posts on this thread and haven't read the rest so this point may have already been discussed.....

During your "blowup" how many of those things would you have said if you were not under the influence of alcohol?

If you would have said some of those things without alcohol involved,would you have said them the same way?

How many of those LBs would not have happened at all if you were not under the influence of alcohol?

IMHO TNT, I don't think you have a chance at being able to do your part (especially in the very difficult initial stages a BS goes through) if alcohol is involved AT ALL.

I realize that you apologized for the LBs, but that doesn't take away the hurt or the damage. Filling ENs does fill the Love Bank, but LBs DRAIN it at a much faster rate.

If your use of alcohol is a recent thing, please cut it out altogether until you and FWH are firmly on a good rebuilding path. If you have even a "small" problem with depending on alcohol, please take it seriously and get help with it. Btw, Harley says that MB principles are COUNTERPRODUCTIVE when there is active addiction, and the addiction has to be dealt with FIRST before there is a chance that MB can work.

I think a mug of hot chocolate and soft, comfy mismatched clothes is a better choice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

Take care TNT

Yes LB, I do remember you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks!

I have been dying to get on here, but spilt soda on my keyboard last night and could do very little but cut and paste from old posts til I got the new one in!! Torture!!!

As for the alcohol... I had already recognized that it would be very easy to keep "drowing my sorrows" and allowing it to become a problem. Maybe it is the control freak in me or somthing else, but I had already decided I would "take a break" from drinking anything alcoholic for awhile, and I have. I have not had a drink since Sunday evening... and I had literally been drinking something everyday.

I do appreciate the concern, certainly not in my plans to add to my problem right now!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

On that same note: I did not mean to imply that I was truly planning on having a revenge A!!! Geez, talk about throwing grease on the fire! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I do recognize why they are soooo attractive, why they are so common and why they happen. Period!

I recognize that I am feeling very vulnerable right now, and I am very lonely. I have had little affection & little anything else from FWH lately... not used to feeling this way! I really am missing the connection that feels so strianed now, almost detached. Throw on top of that the neighbors who are moving their home out bit-by-bit, disassembling their lives togehter.

Yes, I feel sorry for the H. I have watched them desinegrate over the last couple of years. He wants ids, she doesn't... he is tryng to find life outsdie of the military, she wants to party everynight. She is a nice person, but she is bipolar & on "disability" w/ too much time on her hands! I know of a ONS w/ a waitress last year, and the implication was there were others too! I am certain she has another already on the side at her new "home" waiting for her. She is too happy about this.

Know something funny? H talked to her the other day, and he said she sounds "like, like..." I asked "someone living in a fog?!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And he said "like a child"!!! DD13 and I exchanged knowing glances and burst out laughing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> He was taken aback for a sec but quickly recovered! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I agree that the NC must be maintaned, but I cannot do more about this than I have. He knows how I feel, he is working towards changing this... least I was lead to believe he is.

He did get another part-time job, but YES it upsets me everyday that he is there and I know she is too! Since the "tanning" conversation, I am not aware of further communication between H & OW. He was out of there awhile, so maybe the withdrawl has passed... I do not know anymore!

AND he does not work for the gym, he has his own practice and is in the middle of a lease there. It isn't quite as simple as just getting another job. Schemantics at this point, I guess!

I now realize that I was still trying to control H and the recovery process... and I can't. I cannot make him do anything and I cannot make him recover... he will or he won't, it is out of my hands!

What about PLAN B? That is something that you can do to encourage the RECOVERY process.

Your WH may be cake-eating. Can't he sublet?

He cannot have any contact with OW whatsoever! Even laying eyes on her, starts withdrawal all over again!!

I agree, Mimi, I really do. I am not to the the point where I fel a Plan B is appropriate yet, esp since I was apparently doing a pretty crappy Plan A... good days and bad, but still not consistent.

I am not yet at the point where I am not seeing positive changes in him and alot of effort on his part. To go into a Plan B when I do believe he is working at it seems premature.

He is looking to sublet or wiggle out of the lease altogehter. He has many regular clients and is trying to secure another position in the same area so that he doesn't loose too many. I have said my feelings on it and to push further at this point will be perceived as LBing...

In the meantime I have asked that he maintain regular contact with me throughout the day, which he has done. I also go to his office more frequently so that my presence is well known. I do not know what else to do at this point.

Of course, Plan B is an option should I feel that the benefits will outweigh the costs, but at this time I do not feel that it would.

Thanks for the input, it is appreciated.

Sounds good as you explain things.

You are right about working on your PLAN A.

However, I would keep my eyes open and keep PLAN B in my back pocket.....

Oh trust me... they are wide open!!

So much so I often see a problem where ther isn't one!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I have been so burned at this point where I was being hypervigilant... was making myself nuts! Not normally the obsessive type... least not to that degree! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now, I have realized that he will "behave" or he won't. The only thing I can control is me and the effect this is having on our children (to an extent). That is where my focus has shifted.

If I watch his every move, monitor his every breath and control his every step... is that real recovery? No, doesn't feel like it to me. I want him to work on this M cause he wants to, not because he is afraid of getting caught!

I want him to behave and "do the right thing" because there is an intrinsic need in him to make right by his mistakes. Not because I guilt him into it or demand it! This is one of my biggest mistakes last time.

So now I am working on making myself happier and healthier, He is welcome to join me along the way if he decides this is what he wants (as hew now claims).

There was a point not that long ago that *HE* wanted a D, he was done w/ the M... the tighter I held the further away he moved. Once I started to let go, loosen my grip and realize that *I* might truly be over this M and survive quite nicely w/o hm (thank you very much) than his attitude changed... suddenly he was not ready to give up. WHY? He says what he said was out of anger, but he realized when *I* said it I meant it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I do appreciate the concern you have though! It is obvious you don't want me to go blindly along and I do not intend to!

Well since I made an earnest effort to "let him go" I have been feeling so much better!

There is something very liberating about turning loose to something you once held so tightly. I do believe the Lord's will is that H & I will reconcile, but it will be in His time, not mine!

Yes ark, I am starting to "get it!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have a new job, and working on my weight, my physical health, my spiritual health and making "me" a happier place to be! I am trying to put my "house in order" inside and out... and it feels really good!

I know that no matter what happens, I will be in a better place. Period!

Still appreciate the feedack, and definitly welcome any help in my spiritual growth... I am back to the early days of my Christianity, and rebuilding day-by-day.

Thanks guys!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />