mieawe, this weekend will be a good opportunity to demonstrate your Plan a! I agree that telling her you have exposed her can wait until after. I suspect she is dragging her feet in moving out and is having second thoughts, don't you?

It sounds to me like the OM's dad would not be a good resource if he is married to his mistress. But hopefully, her family members will have a chat with her about all this.

I'm sure her family will be talking to her next week. I know her brother is ready.

The om's wife gave me their custody schedule and the om will be free all next week. I know she has a charity dinner on monday she probably is wanting to go to and then she has a womens sorority meeting on wednesday. I work monday so i'm concerned about it but we'll see how the weekend goes.

Is there ever too much for plan A. Today on the way to work I stopped and gave her one red rose. Is that ok? I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to be.

Melody, I see in her your from Texas, where at may I ask?

What about calling the other man? Doesn't he need to know that I know and also that I know he abandoned his own family and now is trying to destroy mine. Just a thought.....

mieawe, I am still thinking about calling the OM. Right now I don't see that any good can come from it because I think he probably doens't care a whit that he is breaking up your family. It may still be an option, but for right now, I think it would be more beneficial to expose her to all of your key family members. Have you exposed her to her parents and yours yet?

I do think it was a very nice touch to give her the rose! Get in as many deposits as you can right now. But I would insist that she not call the OM from your home. Tell her that it hurts you and the kids for her to carry on her affair right under your noses. Ask her to leave to do that.

And yes, I do live in Texas; out in Longview. How about you?

Hi Melody. The weekend went fairly well. It's never been about not enjoying each other's company. We shared a couple of kisses and then she said (keeps saying) that's not fair, meaning hugs, kisses, mentioning sex etc. She's said in the past she needs some time but after talking to the OM's EW there's nothing fair going on here.

How do I go about talking to her about this? Do I just come out and say we need to talk about OM? Do I give her the opportunity to tell the whole truth or do I sit her down and say this is all that I know and tell her everything I have found out, including talking to the OM's EW? And after all of that do I tell her she's free to continue seeing him but don't bring him into our house in any way or do I fill her in on what I know and then tell her she needs to make a decision as to who she wants to be with her? As you can tell I'm a little lost on how to handle this part.

At any rate the weekend was nice.

Oh yeah, I'm down in Austin.

Her parents are both deceased. Her mom when she was 11 and her dad about 15 years ago. I've told her brother and sister but she has a few more brothers I haven't told. I think I might let the brother I told tell them. Haven't decided yet though.

I haven't been able to tell my parents yet. They know things are not right and she wants to move out though. My sister knows the same thing.

I've thought about telling her friends that were with her back in June. I figure they know she hooked up with someone while they were down there but maybe not what she has been doing since then. They are not really close friends but they all are married.

mieawe, yes, you should sit her down and tell her what you know. But, DO NOT tell her that she is free to pursue her destructive affair with the OM. Don't let her think in any way that you would tolerate this. Tell her that while living with you, you would appreciate that, out of respect for you and the kids, that all contact ends. Tell her how very much her affair hurts you and the kids.

Tell her that you think your marriage can work but it cannot work with the OM in the picture.

I think a good lead in will be the news that you have exposed her affair and spoken to the EOMW. When will her brother be talking to her?

I was just down in Austin last month!

Well, the cat's out of the bag. She went to dinner with her girlfriend alst night and when she came home I could tell something was the matter. After a little stewing she finally asked where I thought we were going. I told her I was hoping to work things out, find what her needs were that I wasn't meeting and hoefully make our marriage better than it ever was.

She went on about me thinking that she would throw away our relationship for greener grass if she at all thought she could love me again. She had been getting hang ups on her cell phone all day and she finally said that the OM's ex was the culprit. I asked how did she know that, did she talk to her? She wouldn't answer so I said ok here is what I know and went on to spell it out. She asked how I knew all of that and I told her about me calling the OM's ex. She blew a gasket and asked why I would ever call her. She expected me to call him but not her.

Evidently the OM called her, or she called him after her dinner and told ehr that I called his ex and now she was afraid for her kids safety when they were with him because she thought I would do something to them with him. I don't know where that came from but I told her the conversation we had just filled in my blanks and that I just wanted to make this marriage work.

We talked a little more and then she went and slept on the couch. This morning the only thing she said to me was have a good day as she left for work.

This afternoon she called me and we talked. She had lost her driver's license and thought maybe she had left it where she viewed the apartment. She said they sent her her check back but didn't include her license. I asked why they sent her check back and she said she withdrew her application. Go figure.

I really don't think she knows what she wants to do. She also told me she would have moved out 5 months ago but didn't want to seem like she was abandoning the kids.

Do you see any reasoning to this?

mieawe

mieawe, this all sounds pretty good. You are getting things out on the table and making her affair very uncomfortable. I would encourage her brother to talk to her and get any more exposures out there that you think of. Let her know that you have talked to friends and family about this and have asked for their support in saving your marriage.

In the short term, your focus should be on making her affair as uncomfortable as possible. NOT via lovebusting, but via talking about your hurt and the hurt the kids are suffering. Ask her to end her destructive affair with the OM. Explain to her that you and the kids can't live like this much longer. Emphasize to her that she cannot call her boyfriend from your home and ask her to respect this request.

This coupled with a focus on meeting her needs will be a good lead up to a Plan B. I think Plan B will probably be in order over the next couple of months in order to yank her off that fence she is occupying.

As it is now, she is getting her needs met in two places and has no motivation to move off the fence. So your best strategy right now is to make it as uncomfortable as possible while at the same time working to attract her back to you.

Then, if she doesn't come off that fence soon, which she probably won't, it will be time to consider Plan B. Time to take her up on that offer to move out. I think that would yank her off that fence because she is very reluctanct to move out.

P.S. you should also know that the OM might have made up the "OMXW is scared for her children" story to scare you off from contacting her. I would call her tomorrow and tell her that you would never ever harm her childre, as her XH has alluded, because she and her children are as much victims as you and your children. I sort of doubt she ever said any such thing. He is probably very creeped out that you contacted her. Just keep creeping him out.

Maybe it would be a good idea to send his father a nice letter? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I called her sister Sunday night but she was in the car with her h and her m in law and asked to call me back. They were going out of town the next morning and I guess she forget. I don't think it was on purpose because I have always been able to call her and talk to her about us. Her brother did tell me he talked to her, my w's sis, and she told him there was no other man. My w called to talk to her but left out the part about the om. I'm ready for her brother to call her and her other 3 brothers.

We did go through this 5 years ago. I don't think at that time there was om but I moved out for 5 months at her request. She called and asked me to move back so I did. I guess we never resolved why she wanted me to leave in the first place except the ever present "I'm not happy".

I just feel right now that even though she knows I know and I'm not moving out or running her out that I'm enabling her A and life is just moving at her pace. I did stop by her work today to pick up some papers and left a nice note on the seat of her car. Actually just a smiley face with Hope you have a great day and I love you. She did acknowledge it this evening. Just that she got it, nothing else. Then were were just discussing her bills when she ask me a question and I said well Honey.............and she said don't call her that.

She has said she has not been happy in 10 years. I didn't know that. We even had a 17 day vacation this summer. spent 17 days in the car and hotels in NM, Co, Wy and never had a cross word. This whole deal just blows my mind. If she wasn't happy and wants a divorce why doesn't she just pack up and move. The Om has a house, she can go live with him. Her friend offered her a place to stay.....She has plenty of places she could go.

mieawe, how close are you to these other brothers? I would suggest just calling them all yourself and making sure they get told. Follow up and call the sister again, too. Then YOU tell your W that you have told her family and friends so she will know she is exposed. Explain that her brother did not know about the OM and you have corrected that notion. I would do my best to push exposure along so that you don't lose the desired impact.

Do you think she had an affair 5 years ago?

At that time I don't think she was having a physical affair. She had become addicted to the internet chat rooms and I know was having a close email or chat relationship with one or two guys. I don't think they ever "hooked" up face to face but I do know they talked on the phone. That's when she became unhappy and needed some space. Who knows, now when I look back on it she may have had an A or fling.

A couple of years before that, maybe 3-4, I did come home one day and find a letter she had written to someone. It had the wrong address and was returned and she had put our home address for the return. It must have been at the beginning because it didn't contain anything that led me to believe it had gotten physical yet. I confronted her about it and thought we had worked through it. We did go to counseling around 99' and the mc finally told us that I didn't need to come back but my w needed extensive therapy. She went about 3 times and then quit. She (the mc)told me that the only way we might be able to get through this was for me to move out for a while. I resisted, believing that you can't work anything out apart, for about 4 months and then one day she asked if am I ever going to move out. So I went out the next day, got an apartment and was gone in a week.

It does seem that we go through this every 4-5 years like clock work. Now when I look back on it there has always been another man involved somehow. This has been over 19 years so I guess we have done this 4 times? I don't know if I just can't make her happy or if she just cannot be happy with anything in her life. She was sexually molested when she was 7 or 8 by her older 2 boy cousins and I keep thinking all of this is related to that. She has never told me exactly what happened. She will not open up about that. Her sister was also but she went to counseling and recovered and moved on as best you can. My ws is never satisfied with anything in her life and constantly has to change things be it a different car, a new job every 3-5 years since I have know her (22yrs) ,rearranging the bedroom, or even changing behind which door the dishes are in the kitchen.

It just gets frustrating dealing with this when we have other things going on that we should be enjoying.

Mieawe, it sounds like the last ordeal was an affair. It may have been an internet affair, but believe me, they are on the same level as a physical affair. How pathetic that your last MC advised you to move out, that is the worst advice in such a situation. As you said, you can't very well fix a marriage if you aren't there.

So, mieawe, it looks like your first order of business is to blow this affair up as a short term goal. A long term goal will be for her to get into counseling and find out why she continually does this. Otherwise, you will be dealing with this for years. It's important that she also understand that you aren't going to lay down and react nicely in the future. That her affairs are not acceptable behavior. I suspect she thinks she can have affairs with no consequences in her marriage. That is where you will need to make it clear to her, at some point, that affairs are not acceptable.

So, please get your exposures done today and plan on discussing them with her soon.

One last thing. When we were talking the other night after she found out I talked to the OM's EW she asked me how could I love her and how could I ever trust her again, she doesn't even trust herself anymore.

"I can trust you again when you rebuild the trust in our marriage by acting trustworthy."

Hi Melody. Been away for a bit. Finally talked to her sister but she was at work so we're going to talk wednesday. She did not know about the other person. My ws told her there was no one else. the sis told me I might just have to let her go and let her live her miserable lonely live. My ws has found another apartment and is planning to move out the 15th of May. She told the kids this while I was at work and daughter is going with her. Found the cell phone again sat and saw text messages to each other professing their love. found she even called him from the other room after I went to sleep. made me sick to my stomach. thinking about emailing her friends she went with on her trip and see if they know whats going on. after i talk to her sis wed i am going to call her other 2 brothers. anyway, needed to vent a little. hope all is well in your world.

mieawe

We have a d15 who is active in sports. This summer she will be playing in 4 out of town tournaments and 1 out of state at Disney World. This morning ws asked what I wanted to do about DW. Did we all want to go, me go with the kids or her go with the kids. I told her I haven't decided. In reality I have no desire to spend a ten days with her in a hotel room knowing before we left and as soon as we get back she will be with the om.

She then asked what do I want to do about us. Is she just supposed to put all of these feelings (not happy) back in a box and put them back in the back of her head, hoping they won't come out again. Did I want to go to counseling. I said I did because we need to figure out why she can't be happy and why she keeps doing this. She then said she can't talk about it now because she didn't want to cry on the way to work.

I have seen lawyer and have filled out a divorce petition but have not told her, nor has it been filed. I have been following plan A as best I can but was thinking if she goes ahead and moves out maybe I need to go to plan B, which will be hard to do with both of us being so involved in the kids lives, especially if one is with me and one with her, and we will be seeing each other for at least the next 3 months on weekends with D15 sports.

Also, the kids (S17, D15), have been asking me in a round about way if she was seeing someone else. Do I tell them what I know or not burden them with that?

mieawe, I would get your exposures all out there. Call her brothers today and let them know. Then tell your W tonight that you have told her family about her affair. I don't know that I would bother with her friends unless you think they would be a good influence here.

I would let the kids know what is going on and I wouldn't allow the 15 year old to go with her. The 15 yr old shouldn't be ripped from her home to accommodate her mother's sleazy affair. Often, a WS will try and insert the kids into their affair in order to normalize it, or give it undeserved respectibility. Don't allow her to do that. But, by all means, tell your kids today, they deserve to know.

If you have to, I would file a seperation agreement to stop her from taking your kid.

Sorry it all has come to this.

I emailed her this morning after she left and asked her to think about today what makes her happy (because she says she's not happy and hasn't been for 5-10 years). This our third round of marriage vs divorce during this time, all from her. Anyway, I told her to think about what makes her happy and write me back later today. This was her answer.



i knew this email was coming.........................

Can you honestly tell me you are happy?............................ You have been happy the last 5/10 years????? Can you honestly answer Yes to that question???? .................................................. if you can............. then you haven't been paying attention to me, or our marriage and that is where our marriage took wrong turn! I understand that you are consumed with me right now................. (and for that I am deeply and regrettably sorry!!!!) BUT.... I think YOU...... need to do some searching deep within YOURSELF and find out what makes you happy! What do you really want out of a marriage to anyone...... and out of life for all that matters. YOU stopped living for Yourself some time ago. I think you need to start thinking about what makes YOU happy and NOT what makes me happy!!!! I am not the only person broke in this marriage.

I am not saying I won't do as you have asked me too, but there is a lot more that needs to be addressed within our marriage NOT Just what is wrong with me!