KMEJ -

My mom took the kind of treatment you are taking now - she took it and took it for years. She's the one who cheated - Dad never consciously knew - or it would have been worse - as it was, I heard him call her very obscene things in front of her children. I'd hear him pestering her for sex all the time when he thought the kids were sleeping. He was never "loving" to her during those times either. He was frequently brutal to her; to the point that when my husband raised his voice at me early in our marriage, all of a sudden, instead of engaging with him, I'm scurrying around the apartment, frantically cleaning everything I can - I didn't realize what a survival instinct I had, but the major cause of my parents' fights (my dad's trigger) was the dirty house. And while mom had run away from him (and left us kids in the house with a drunken violent father), I was frantically cleaning the house so that he would stop exploding and beating up mom. Once I realized the survival reflex, I worked to overcome it.

One night I got home from a state music competition I had been participating in; she was up doing laundry in the dark. I switched on the light and she was just covered in bruises. He had thrown her across the kitchen and she had crashed into the kitchen table, and she was bruised from her shoulders to her hips and her face wasn't too good either. This is just hours after the incident, so imagine what she looked like once the bruises started to set in...

She never called the police - but this was 30 years ago, when the police kind of shrugged it off, because farm women were still considered property - even in the 70s. She did threaten that if he so much as raised a hand to her or her children again, she'd put him in jail, or take her kids, her cows and everything else he cared about. And for once, she said it in such a way that was different; more real; more to the point that he got very clearly that she'd had enough and could and would stand up to him.

Your husband doesn't get that you will stand up to him. Do you? Can you? Have you had enough? What will be enough?

I like Loving Boundaries steps - don't make it obvious until you know you can follow through.

Yes, she could do it the long painful way, but I don't think it will have any effect on things.

KMEJ has been posting about this for months and months. When he is not abusive physically he is abusive emotionally and verbally. He is virtually useless around the house and with the children.

When she is working he is having his friends over for card games, completely ignoring the kids. And then berating her for everything imaginable.

She could just call the police, have him arrested and he would be out of the house. Then it would be up to him to get the help he needs to get control of himself and become a better, more loving, more helpful person.

When you have kids and are living in a purpetually abusive/neglectful situation, the love you feel for the man stops being important. It can no longer matter as you put your children and your own self first.

KMEJ you need to make a decision regarding the kind of life you want for yourself and your kids. He is out of your control to change.

Now it is simply a matter of protection... physically, emotionally and mentally.

If he hits her again, then the police will take care of getting him out of the house. Without this kind of catalyst, getting him out of the house should she decide for Plan B is going to be extremely difficult. Then she might have to leave, taking the kids and that would be much harder for her.

Atleast that is the way it seems it would be.

P.S. - I forgot to add - they are still married - almost 60 years now - and he never did hit her again, though it has taken quite a while longer for him to overcome the verbal abuse - there though, Mom gives as good as she got - and more. she's pretty nasty verbally - her wit can cut someone to shreds and unhappily, I've inherited a bit of that sarcasm.

TNT,

When I changed my name to LovingBoundaries, it was a goal. I wanted to 1) learn to set boundaries that were loving to myself and to others and 2) learn to set boundaries in a loving way--loving to myself and to others.

So when you said....
"I think LB has posted a very insightful and loving post."
....I smiled and wondered if I'm starting to get there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> . Of course my next thought was that you probably don't know what you're talking about--- I'm still working on my self esteem issues <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> .

Btw, my old name was YetAgain. I went from YetAgain to LovingBoundaries. KMEJ, you know exactly what I'm talking about don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't think that she has a choice in whether to file charges or not...if she "reports" it they are obligated under the domestic violence law to press charges. They have removed this from the woman's hand because too many were refusing to "press charges" and those very women were being killed by these men that abused them.

I do not think that the police department is going to take kindly to being a personal journal for KMEJ and they might tell her that they have more serious things to do instead of "babysitting" that situation. I know for a fact that is how the police see it in this area...they don't want you to bother calling them unless you are willing to do something yourself to better the situation.

As long as KMEJ makes excuses for his abhorrent behavior, as in his being "over-tired"...things will not change for her.

What concerns me is that she is almost stoic in her description of the assault...yes, I use the word "assault" because that is exactly what it was.

Sometimes it takes the kids getting caught in the crossfire for the woman to do something. I just hope that doesn't happen to any of the children there.

committed

This may be a classic understatement K but this sure as he!! is NOT a good situation. I thought your H was just neglectful emotionally, I had no idea he was so I dont know whats the word, abusive maybe, towards you. Kinda reminds me of that movie, sleeping with the enemy.Well that kind of stuff ties in with him trying to keep you down, trying to kill your self esteem. DONT LET HIM!!! Have you pictured a life for your self without him? if so, whats that like? What would make K happy? {{{{K}}}}} you are a gorgeous woman with your whole life ahead of her. You are obviously self sufficient, you deserve so much better for you & the "tornadoes". If you dont want to leave the marriage then your H needs to realize things need to change, starting NOW! You cannot put up with this crap anymore.

I just thought of something -

In the state of Michigan (don't know about KMEJ's state), if you (or neighbors, etc) report an incident of domestic violence, the police now make the decision to arrest. It is no longer up to the victim if they want to press charges or not, it is up to the officer's involved.

weaver,

Yes...that's what I was saying. It isn't up to the woman in a lot of states now. It was a waste of time for the officers to respond in many cases because the woman refused to press charges. There are numerous calls that need serious attention and to take the time away from those to babysit two adults was not cutting it.

committed

"I don't think that she has a choice in whether to file charges or not..."

Exactly!! It is not HER choice or decision to make. That is an IMPORTANT distinction for her to make to h. She is just making the report of her h's actions, nothing else. Her h will have to decide whether or not he does anything for her to report.

LB,

You posted earlier that she tell the police that she doesn't want to file charges....

Also, make sure you tell the officer that you are not ready to press charges yet or have him removed from the home and that your first step is to start making reports instead of staying silent.

That is what I was addressing...she will not get that choice.

committed

I live in a state where domestic abuse is "automatically" charged. FWH was never removed from the home due to the extenuating circumstances. However, he also knew that those circumstances would not help him if I said I wanted him removed at that time.

The police became the bad guys, not me. If he continued his behavior then the police would remove him whether I requested it or not. It was truly in FWH's hands and he knew it. There have been no physical incidents since. Threats, yes, but no follow through--because I will report the incident.

It's not my job to make the laws or to enforce the laws. It's my responsibility to myself, to my kids, and even to FWH to report it. The rest is not my job and not my responsibility or my worry.

KMEJ I try SO HARD not to read your stuff, but I am drawn to it as a tiny part of me HOPES you have found some self respect and have stopped allowing your WH live out his macho S&M, domination fantasies with you.

But I read this and I see you haven't.

Have you wondered why strangers on this board care more for your self respect and personal safety than you do ?

I think you have 'stockholm syndrome' and you identify and mitigate your 'captor' and abuser because of your inability to remove yourself from the situation.

KMEJ , you may actually end up dead but your children WILL CERTAINLY grow up with a vision of adult relationships that is not healthy.

Your passivity is making your WHs abuse into a communicable disease.

PLEASE do something. PLEASE. PLEASE to stop this. You allow yourself to be treated like even a geisha never would.


Dear God, please help KMEJ find sand to stop this charade of a marriage before somebody gets even more hurt. Amen.

Committed,

We must have been posting at the same time because I didn't see your post until now. I'm kind of posting on the run while I do my housework,

It's good that it's up to the police now,and I understand what you are saying LovingB. I'm glad things are better for you too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ:

If you re-read your threads from the past 6 months, you could see why you are in the predicament you are in. I have since long stopped posting to you. You are a good woman, you just don't know it. You are the prime example why sometimes good intentions of marital "support" here encourage dysfuncational enabling behavior. Sadly, for you , it will in all likelihood take one of your children getting the $hit kicked out of them, or maybe you getting a broken arm or fractured jaw to "hit bottom" and make a change. Right now, in all reality, that is what is gonna happen. As uncompassionate as this may sound, this is the truth. You chose this, you will get this. AT this point my friend, you deserve what you get. Read into this more deeply, and you will see this is not meant with malice.

Remember my golden rule: YOU MUST TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE AND WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

This is all "groundhog" day for you, so I won't say much else.

Good luck in the draft on Sunday.

LM

LB: I always know what I am talking about!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You are a loving person, and it is very apparent in your posts!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ: You have heard all that there is to hear, you know what is being said here is right. You know what you must do. This has nothing to do with saving your M, it has to do with saving your life and the lives of your children!!

My heart aches for you! I have seen it before, so many times. You deserve so much better than you are getting and yet you stay...

Lord Jesus, please watch over KMEJ and her boys. Help her see the peace and love that you want for her, help her to see the life she can provide her sons if she only heed the warning signs. Lord I pray that she will see that this is not what you intended for a M to be. I pray a hedge of protection around them. Lord watch over them and keep them. I pray that you will put people in her path that she may see Your ways and follow. Thanks you Jesus, Amen.

"As uncompassionate as this may sound, this is the truth."

This sounded full of compassion to me LM. There is still a little time before what you projected would happen to her children would become the truth and their reality.

Most kids don't get the broken arms or broken jaws. Most of them get placed in the high risk category for drug use and violence. Who places them in that category? Their parents--both the one who abuses and the one who doesn't report it to their counselor (if they are using one) or to the police.

Let's encourage (not threaten or pounce on) KMEJ to start reporting the incidents. She doesn't know that her kids will pay the price one way or another if she doesn't. If she knew this, really knew this, I'm sure she would be more than willing to file a report on the incident.

You're too funny TNT. Just ask my FWH, he'll set you straight. Heck, just ask anyone he comes into contact with---they'll be able to tell you too cuz he sure has! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ, you know exactly what I'm talking about don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

KMEJ,
Please, please, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233.
They can assist you with some safety planning and/or refer you to a local domestic violence hotline or shelter program. You don't even have to give your name if you don't want to.

Others, I agree that KMEJ needs to get out of this situation. But, the highest risk time for a spouse is when they're attempting to leave an abusive partner. It totally threatens the abusive partner's sense of power and control...which is what abuse is really about.

Having said that...KMEJ..You cannot continue in this situation and remain safe. The abuse will escalate...as you have already seen. You are not the first or last woman who has ever felt stuck in an abusive situation. It is a pattern which is very hard to break. That's why I strongly encourage you to have contact with a domestic violence program. People are not there to judge you. Your story is no different from most that they've heard. They're there to help you better manage a very dangerous situation.

Additional concerns KMEJ:
In some states, you will be held liable for the wellbeing and safety of your children, if you allow them to remain in a living situation with an abusive spouse. It doesn't matter if the children are directly abused or not. What it can mean is that if you stay with your abusive spouse, you can be charged with parental neglect for allowing your children to remain in a dangerous situtation. You, too, could then lose your children temporarily, and have to prove your "parental fitness" to have them returned.

Also, with regards to mandatory arrest of an abusing partner... In Michigan it is that one of the spouses will be arrested, based on who exhibits greater signs of physical injury. It's to your benefit to go in to the police and file a report on any incidents of abuse, prior to the police coming out in a crisis to make the decision for you. Many abusers know exactly where to hit to minimize bruising. If you are a wife who strikes back, you are typically smaller and will aim for whatever. Your abuser might end up with injuries that are more visible because your weren't so "selective". You could end up in jail charged with abuse. I have even witnessed some women losing custody of their children to the abusing spouse! Abusers can be such sweet-talkers..smoothe.. maipulative...convincing. Please protect yourself and your children.

KMEJ:

Both you and your H think you are the problem. I've been there. Even after he broke my arm, I thought I was the problem because, after all, he had asked me not to call this woman from work and I hadn't listened.

A Restraining Order is civil, not criminal. You can get him out of the house, perhaps wake him (and you) out of the abuse fog, and keep criminal charges off his record.

Please consider taking the step of finding out how to fill out a Restraining Order and perhaps going downtown to witness the hearings. You don't have to do anything. You can just prepare.

Cherished

KMEJ... for heaven's sake, listen to everyone here. Get away from him now. Not next week, not next month, not next year, but now.

You don't have to have physical injuries to get a restraining order against him... and considering the circumstances, you can probably be the one to stay and he'll have to go. Call the police, call the domestic abuse hotline, call your in-laws, call someone and get him the heck out of there!!!

People here have been giving you all kinds of advice, yet you continue to enable the abuse. Of course he's going to act like nothing happened -- it's all part of the cycle. Then he'll find some dust on a tabletop and beat the tar out of you because of it. I can't imagine you would want your kids to grow up without a mom.

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Quite honestly, I'm surprise authorities haven't already gotten involved because this has got to have had an impact on your older kids and how they are managing at school, etc.

Please, please, do something to end this madness before it's too late.