Jeff, you asked a good question. You wanted to know how long before you didn't care about OW any more.

But there's another important question you should have been asking. Don't sweat it, It's normal for a WS to neglect asking it. The question is, "What can I do for my BS?"

You seemed more concerned about your own feelings than about your wife's feelings.

That kind of thing happens here all the time: "When will I stop missing OW? When will I be in love with my W again? When will she stop feeling hurt and depressed?" All of those questions have the same basic meaning: "When do I get to feel good - OW made me feel really good. That's what I want."

You get to feel good when you stop demanding that your wife deny herself the right to experience the pain you've caused her.

Stop demanding that she make you happy, and instead start doing all you can to make her happy. If you do, then miraculously, she'll want to do the same for you, and suddenly, you'll have your reward.

People who are dating get this. They ask, what can I do for this person that will make her want to do stuff for me?

Try dating your wife. It may take her some time to get used to it, but she'll like it.

I have a question for you. Are you physically attracted to your wife?

GC

You still need to send a no contact letter.

GC,
No i am not physically attracted to my wife.Last night we did what the counselor suggested to talk anf be honest and open.So I told my wife about my feelings for here had been gone for years and she said she noticed it longer than that.And that half of our marriage has been a lie because I didn't love her during that time.She said now what do we do,do we try to make it work.She said we shouldn't try just for our son it has to be for us.And I agreed so we are going to try to make it work.I know I have lost her trust and everything else.So this is where we are at.THanks for all the input and everything else.

Hi Confused,

Have you been able to do any reading in the info pages of this site yet? The thing that made me keep reading when I first came to the site was because Harley's proven method of marriage rebuilding was not just to "make it work" -- it was to learn how to do the things that lead two spouses to be passionately in love with each other.

The majority of couples whose marriages have been restored by using Harley's method of marriage building report that their marriages are better than it ever was before -- and even better than they ever imagined it could be!

I hope that you and your wife one day report that you are in that club too!

Btw, did you feel bashed by my first post to you? I'm not looking to have a discussion about it with you (I believe that your energies are better spent on the things that will help you get through this difficult time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ), I am interested to know if what I said or how I said it felt bashing to you and if it sounded condescending or too harsh to you at that time so that I can evaluate how I am saying things to people who are in pain.

Take care Confused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Confused,

Get another counselor. Your current one clearly does not understand the weight of devistation your adultery has caused your marriage if they are advisiing your wife to stop asking you questions. <aka: sweep it under the rug and move on>

To recover from being cheated on your wife needs to put together the puzzle of the months of cheating you engaged in. She is missing puzzle pieces as to why all these months things were not quite right and you my friend are the only one who can give her the puzzle pieces. Without them she will never find peace and your marriage will always be in jeopardy - GUARANTEED.

I am speaking from experience and from reading hundreds of predictable but sad stories here.

Jo