Oh, Mother! (Shakes head sadly.) Were you trying to post on Ambien again? Well, folks, there should be no doubt about the difference in writing styles. Mom is Tolstoy, though a lot funnier, and I am Hemingway. But funnier than him, too.

WAT, rest assured that I understand what you are wanting her to say and how you recommended it be said, and once the Ambien wears off she will too. (You should hear about the time she made her trip reservations while under the influence. Man oh man! Reservation guy: So what day did you want to return? Mom: Wow, look at the letters dance! The date is sliding right off the screen... Reservation guy: So WHAT day did you want to come back?)

The Great Event about which my BAMOABS hinted was the impending confrontation between WH & the VP, who was not best pleased to learn what was going on, and of possible risks to him & his wife if something is not done. His investigation begins Monday, and at this point his opinion is that WH needs to break off with OW (of course) but that OW be permitted to continue to work under (not literally this time) a different supervisor, and hopefully she will quit soon. I'll update on this when I know something more.

One of my friends may be able to contact the OW's family, and if/when she does I will post a copy of the letter she sends, or report on the phone conversation if that's what happens. The saga continues.

To correct this piece of misinformation, let me say that I was NOT on Ambien when I wrote my post last night. I was very tired. There is a reason why I try to work 72 hrs. a wk. and am always exhausted, especially when I end up being awake for 36 hrs. at a stretch...and it's not because I so love being a nurse. Anyhoo...

Hey, Spidey,

Once I knew there was trouble, I pretty much took the buckshot approach to emotional needs - I covered all the ones he had mentioned, plus everything else I could think of, and admiration was one of them. Yes, it has been tough to look past the gargantuan blot on his character and find other things to admire, but I did it, while also expressing appreciation for anything and everything he did that was at all nice.

Hopefully he will bring his EN paper back filled out after his trip, but if not, indications are still that what I have done has been effective in bonding the two of us, only failing in the goal of separation from OW. We've got an excellent foundation for whatever happens next.

WH gets home today and resumes his double life, while I resume mine. It's exhausting being a super-secret good-and-kind operative, almost as tiring as being a skanky sneak-and-screw-your-way-around-the-neighborhood kind of operative. Not that I am bitter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Must quit rambling. I hope I can still write in a straight line when this is all finished. Tx, everybody.

Yeah, it took me a long time to not be bitter anymore. Until just recently, actually . . . but I took the betrayal of my FWH and OW/FBF to heart, even though intellectually I knew their A had nothing to do with me, it was all about them (selfish selfish selfish), it took a long time for that message to reach my heart.

I was also more, er, shall we say, explosive? during my H's A. I had no good natural instincts about any of this infidelity stuff. My sitch deteriorated rapidly, imploding when H confessed to me (in front of his mother, whom he had told of his "love" the night before) the 2 week long PA with OW/FBF and his desire to leave me and the M ~ in the ER while he was having a nervous breakdown. Oh yeah, on New Year's Eve, no less. He spent the next 5 days in a half-way house, and when he got out, the OW had dumped him (oh, I mean, she said, she finally "woke up" and realized what they had been doing was bad and wrong . . . ) for the OTHER man she had been dating all along. Of course, it took a long time before H could take off his own denial blinders about HER and realize what she was doing.

*sigh* It all gets so tangled and complicated when there is hiding and sneaking and lying.

Anyway, sounds like you are lightyears ahead of where I was, and hopefully that will pay off for you. No matter how good a job you do at all this, you can only control you. When it comes right down to it, people do strange things sometimes. Your WH still has to make choices of his own, that will determine if he gets to stay with a great lady like you. Because if your excellent Plan A doesn't break up the A, then you will have to move to Plan B. BUT, let's see how this boss exposure thing goes.

I am excited too about you getting to let the OW's family know. This is one of the most crucial steps you can take, after the exposure you have already done. You might get immediate backlash from him (because he will get it from her), but you stick to your guns and know that you are doing what you can to save your family. His anger will be short-lived, me thinks.

I hope everything goes well. I will bookmark your thread so I can read it when I get back. I will be gone until May 7th, at BIL's wedding in Maryland, then visiting old friends in Virginia ~ a little mini-vacation. Hopefully I'll find some time to read some posts over there, even if I don't get to reply. Take care of yourself! On my infidelity diet, I made sure that everything I COULD eat was nutritionally valuable ~ tomato soup, yogurt, cereal ~ that's about it, but I got dairy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Spidey, I'm jealous! Have a great vacation, k?

Note: His anger is always short-lived.

I've been busy today. While the kids were in class I went to WH's other work, the one where the A started, and spoke to one of the employees, who thought that maybe the new boss should know, just in case. The boss was dismayed, as any good person would be (he described himself as old-fashioned about that sort of thing), and while relieved that risk had been minimized by the fact that OW was no longer working there, was still sufficiently concerned to want to speak to another supervisor-type person. Of course I gave my permission. He said, "You know, if it gets out that you were the one who told me, your WH will blame you." This elicited a wry chuckle. "That's OK; it's already all my fault anyway." Which elicited a wry chuckle from him in return.

I continue to grow more concerned about fence-sitting. After today, the OW is being taken off her current assignment, and from what I have been able to gather, there are several upcoming jobs where she will be working closely with WH, probably including a 4-day convention. (Yesterday when I reminded WH that I wanted to accompany him, he rather distantly said, "We'll have to see..." in the tone I have come to decipher as meaning, "I have a prior committment with OW, but I'll let you know if anything changes." Initially he had been quite favorable to the idea of me going with him.)

I am going out this evening, not quite sure where or with whom, but I'm going to reduce my availability a bit. And just for all you goddesses out there, my BAMOABS is trimming my hair and I got some fresh color to hide all the gray he's giving me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Suspicions, suspicions... I think he is going to use his extremely late arrival as an excuse to spend the night at his "friend's" house. If he lies to me about this I will find out, tho I will not confront him on it just yet. We'll see if I'm right, but wait, I'm always right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Quick update. WH arrived home just over an hour ago, earlier than I expected, and having driven right past OW's house. He was very affectionate and happy to see me. What does it all mean? I don't know, but it was nice. I only remind myself, his highs are not my highs, and his lows are not my lows.

NOT SO:

I've been kind of following along with your sitch. Your understanding of FOGESE seems to be right on target.

I wanted to share some tidbits from my experience.

For my H, highs were associated with talking to her, being near her or the anticipation of such. It is like a drug. She is a drug dealer. With just a whiff, such as driving by her house, he might have gotten a buzz...

The problem with enabling, cake-eating, etc. He is happiest in this situation and may even get closer to her because he is feeling no pain.

Actually, it is best when he is not happy.

I know none is this fits with logic.

I know just what you mean. Even though I try to hold on to the little happy moments like that, overall I feel much better when he's unhappy. I do not want him to be content.

Mild depression is trying to steal over me, and I am fighting to hold it at bay. Many supportive words and much prayer are helping, but it is a battle just now nonetheless.

Should I suggest to the VP that since one of his conditions is going to be the ending of the A, to maybe suggest that he say something like, "You have X amount of time to end the A and tell your wife everything, or I will share with her everything I have found out." ? Then if WH didn't respond to that, I don't know what the next step would be, except maybe asking him to move out, and if that didn't work, Plan B. I know it's still a little too early to decide on that, but am just trying to consider my options. Any thoughts?

Depression is a very real concern during Plan A. Even Harley recommends A/D's during Plan A for this reason.

My thoughts on a fence sitting WS is to stick to the timeline that Harley recommends, which is three months for a woman and six months for a man.

I would personally even advocate a shorter Plan A, if you felt your marriage was good before the affair.

I know you said the first part of Feb was DD, but I do not know when you first confronted your WH. I think this is important.

I would gear up for Plan B immediately following the rest of your exposure. But this is only my opinion and others may disagree.

I think that a longer Plan A runs the risk of your WH getting further emotionally involved with OW.

Once into Plan B, his involvement with OW may escalate (sp) briefly, or not. But the good thing is that he will not be getting his needs met by you. And there is no way OW can meet the needs you have been meeting.

I am a firm advocate of Plan B for cake eaters. I would plan on going into it soon.

Also, please look into A/D's if you feel that depression is getting the best of you. There is no reason to suffer more than you would without the help of A/D's.

I used Lexapro and for the first three months and it was a life saver for me. I was getting such horrible panic attacks, and it stopped those altogether. I did have some adverse side effects after about five months so went off of them. But I think the good definately outweighed the bad during the worst times.

Very good to hear from you, Weaver. I will consider carefully everything you said. Yes, DD was Feb 12, and March 5 was the first that I confronted him with his responsibility to me & his family, i.e. BREAK UP WITH OW!!!! All done very nicely and calmly, but no beating around the bush.

The only other major confrontation that I had initiated (before the no-sex message) was I think 3 weeks ago when he admitted upon questioning that they were not 'just friends', but were still dating, though of course no sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yeah, right. I'm sure they were singing hymns all night in the motel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> He threatened to leave when all I did was ask him if he would mind talking to me, and just let me listen to him - what his thoughts were on this, any plans for how to resolve the situation, etc. Obviously that is a sensitive subject.

As to the M pre-A, as stated before it was not exactly balanced, with me doing a great deal of the work, but we were still inseparable and very happy together. He was meeting enough of my needs for love and affection that things were pretty good overall.

I still hope B will be unnecessary, but he seems to be traveling steadily along the wrong path, if you can travel while sitting solidly on a fence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll check back in later, greedy for more input. Tx!

Did you go out last night?

Wondering how your "not being so available to him" and "making him wonder a bit" is going.

Oddly enough, I was just about to comment on this, as it has relevance to what happened last night. 'Less available' has not borne any visible fruit, and instead of going out I ended up cleaning madly till 2:30 am and collapsing into bed. I know, not much of a statement.

But tonight I am going out no matter what. Last night I fell asleep on the floor, awakening to hear him talking to her. Oodles of boring stuff, tho it was disturbing to hear the 'us against the world' mentality showing quite a bit. At one point when he said he was tired and going to bed soon, she obviously tried to talk dirty to him, no surprise. There was a lot of complaining about other employees, who (strangely enough) are disgruntled themselves. (One other tidbit: "I mailed your check. I was going to bring it to you, but didn't want any complaints from certain people [another employee], since you're 'with' me." A little tooth-grinding...)

They arranged a rendezvous for tonight after he gets off work, so I'm going to wait till he's at work and tell him I'm going to be out late and maybe he will get home first... Then it will be his choice to decide whether I'm following him, LOL, or out with another man for revenge. (Neither would be true, I hope I need not say.)

I'm kind of torn right now between anger and smirking at what his mental condition is going to be like tonight if he still meets her. It's upsetting to find out just how cosy they are, even if I already knew it. I find myself wishing Plan B included liberal usage of frying pans, haha.

After what I heard, I think you're right and Plan B needs to at least be ready soon in case it's needed, before they get too much closer. How can he talk like that to her, arrange what he was arranging, hang up the phone, and crawl in bed with me and pull me close? Don't worry, I'm not trying too hard to understand because there is no answer to that.

Yep, he's a eat'n cake.

Good luck tonight notso'neak!

WH just left for work, mumbling grumpily about being sure his car's electrical system was being tampered with, and his presumed need to check his car for tracking devices. He seriously overestimates how much I care.

Hmmm. Shall I tell him I'm going out just as I walk out the door, or give him a little while to stew and see if he has someone follow me? Decisions, decisions.

Another little snippet I remembered from last night was that he told her I was passed out on the floor. (Not drunk - I fell asleep reading my Bible, thank you very much.) I very much disliked the ease with which he mentioned me to her, several other times as well, i.e. "Notso will do this," or "Notso will do that." Each new little tidbit I remember jangles more alarm bells. They are both way too blase about this, and I don't know if even open public disapproval will be enough to faze them.

Oh, and WH said he would probably put her to work doing sales/promotion for the co., because that is what he is also going to be doing. (As of today he pulled her whiny butt out of the post she was working and didn't like. The other employees rejoice.) It was way too long a trip to Lalaland for me to stomach well, but I feel I gained valuable intel. Someone needs to launch a nuke into Nirvana. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

OK, OK, I'll say it before anyone else can. Not 'someone'. Me. The Football is sitting on my lap.

Another question would be, how do you - any of you - think it might work to simply ask him to move out and continue Plan A for a while? I'm not afraid of B. Right now I would love to just dive into B and splash around. I'm so sick of his cheating, lying cow-dooky. But I could keep Plan A going much longer if he were no longer under the same roof. I don't know, just thoughts.

My feeling is that him closeted with OW 24/7 would still bring things to an end fairly quickly whether I was in contact with him or not. It would also give me all the time I needed to make legal plans. A moving out/still on Plan A letter would contain many of the crucial B elements, such as: in order to come home you need to be willing to agree to the following boundaries, which would include NC with OW, MC, free access, etc., then if that failed go to B.

WH truly is attached to me & the kids, but I've got to shake up his routine somehow. Perhaps this could be timed to coincide with the VP's upcoming chat. Might as well hit him with everything at once and get it done, hey?

It is not recommended to do a long Plan A notso. In fact a shorter, very well done Plan A is recommended.

I am very interested in replys from the more experienced MB'rs on this. But I'll give you my gut feeling, as lacking in experience as it is.

I worry that if you ask him to move out and continue your plan A it will just make him more of a cake eater, one with free reign to spend as much time as he likes with the OW, while still getting a Plan A from you.

I think you should stick with Plan A with him at home, and go to Plan B as planned. You are going to run the risk of divorce either way, because often times when a WH moves out they do not come back. However, a marriage with a man who has a girlfriend on the side would be a hell worse than anything I can imagine.

Your WH is cake eating, he did not leave you and file for divorce. I think your chances are very good notso. But asking him to move out and then continuing Plan A, makes no sense to me.

When he moves out I think he needs to feel the full impact of loss. Which is what your Plan B will do, as he will lose all contact with you. His affair with the OW will collapse with that loss, hopefully.

I think what you are proposing is too much of a gamble, although Plan B has no guarantees either other than regaining control of your life/happiness, it has saved marriages, quite a few from what I can tell.

Also, once the affair is over you want a repentent FWH, not just a FWH. If he experiences the full force of the loss of you, he will be more likely to realize what he stands to lose. And really re-examine his behavior/priorities, etc.

When you ask him to leave and go to Plan B, you have to be very, very firm and sure of it, or it will fail and possibly set you up for a series of very painful false recoveries.

You can see by the pain of the BS's on this board whose husband is back but not repentent what I mean.

You have to KNOW without a doubt that you do not want to be married to a cheater. You have to KNOW in your very being without a doubt that you want to be married to someone who has examined his marriage and his own actions, and is really sure of recommiting to the marriage and to change.

Edited to add: I hope mimi, WAT and others will come on and share their thoughts on this. I could be off so I hope you can way more input than just mine.

Thank you for your reply. I'm very upset right now, having just discovered the full extent of the acceleration of the A, and it is far beyond what I guessed. Just one teeny example, he did stop by her house Thurs nite/Fri morning on his way home, 'boink the saur', (thanks, WAT for that lovely phrase), and then come home and have his way with me - TWICE! I don't even want to get into the rest of it, let's just say that my BAMOABS is right when she says, "He's not just eating cake, he's living in the cake."

Point well taken about continued cake-eating with move out/continue Plan A. How do I go about setting up for B? Maybe somebody can point me to a good thread already on here, but right now I'm too much of a basket case to go looking myself, though I will try for a bit.

Can't begin to describe what I'm thinking and feeling right now, but I know everybody here still understands, having been through it too. I need to begin preparations immediately for whatever I'm going to do, since Rome wasn't built in a day and Plan B isn't, either, but the full extent of WH's betrayal is such that I will not last long at all being nice, maybe a couple of days if I try really hard and don't have to be around him very much. I just know I need to take enough time to do this right, and I will fight the urge to be impulsive while recognizing the need for speed. It's time.

Thank you, God.