LM:

Am I one of the "ZEALS?" as you say?

It's OK with me if I am. Really! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I want to let you know that I totally agree with you on this one.

I used to be in NEAK's shoes and had to be pushed and shoved out of MY FOG into PLAN B!!!

LOL, Mimi, I don't want that term to be seen as derogatory (but this is probably not possible) and it is not actually meant to be a put down. It is what it is, and you should be of course proud of what and who you are.

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, both of you. I truly appreciate the input, and am taking it very much to heart. I will try to be back on later today, but have to get ready to go to the doc right now. Ugh. Later!

A quick word is about all I have time for, as I still have to finish billing and payroll, pick up Uncle-in-law from the airport, and somwhere in that find time to finish putting away the groceries. This before I can sit down and lay everything out on paper for WH. (It may be another day or two yet before I have it all together, but I'm not doing anything at the last minute like before.)

Rest assured I do not have to be pushed into Plan B. Sorry if it did not come across clearly enough from what I wrote, but in my mind I am standing back on May 5 again with a PBL in my hand. The reason I mentioned boundaries, etc., was that unlike the last time, when I expected him to leave and was very much caught off guard when he didn't want to, this time I am expecting him to crumble again and agree to just about anything in order to stay. I was not prepared for that before, and this time I want to be. (If he leaves the preparation still won't have hurt anything for being ready.)

Just as I expect him to agree to anything at the time, I also expect that he will be tempted to go back on it, and probably within an even shorter time frame than before, which was short enough. Which is why I am going to spell out some consequences to both of them. She just about pooped golf balls at finding out that a few employees knew, so I am going to make sure she knows I have a huge exposure nuke with her name stenciled on it, pointed directly at her. She will not understand that I'm not doing it to be mean, but to protect my family. She will think I am evil. Do I care? No.

He will have everything laid out carefully for him, too, but more on that later. LM, I won't try to deny there is bound to be at least some BS fog floating around in my head, though hopefully not as much as you feared. No, I didn't want to believe the worst of him until the last possible moment, but I didn't keep my head in the sand, either. And regarding the vigilance, the phone bill had only just been available for just over a week by the time I started trying to get it, so even though contact had been going on about 3 weeks, the opportunity for me to know of it is pretty recent. (We have a number of business phones on the account, so do not receive a call detail unless we call and ask for it, which I did.)

Well, back to the salt mines for me. TTY'allL.

Best of luck Neak, I hope you are able to get what you want out of all of this.

Thanks, LM, I know I will. I want a happily ever after for myself. If WH chooses to reform and put this in the past and can be part of that, that is certainly my first hope, but if not I will still end up ok, knowing that I did everything I could. I think that should be the goal for everybody.

Neak:

Sounds good. I hope you truly accept that and believe that.

Please prepare yourself for the very real possibility that your Wayward Husband suprises you and "turns" this around and uses your upcoming "confrontation" as a way to take the guilt away from him separating from you and the family. I would not be suprised if he is waiting for you to "kick him out" so he can say well "she kicked me out, this isn't what I wanted". "blame her" "I tried".

I don't know if that will happen, but I would not be suprised if it does. However, take heart in knowing that I am usually WRONG about most other things I say or predict on this board, so your odds are good. God, I hope this all turns out the way you are planning. You deserve a break.

Your friend,

LM

I sure do. Not only that, but if he left I think it would almost 100% assure the ultimate recovery of our marriage. Even if he moved in with her, he is so used to spending lots of time with me & the kids, as well as the high quality of wifely services I provide, that the arrangement would be short-lived.

It's not like I have no hope if he once again decides not to leave, but he would have his eyes opened a lot faster if he had to do without me for a bit. Thy will be done... (I know your ego's not big enough that you thought 'thy' refers to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I need a break! This stopped being fun a long time ago.

PS He was a little freaked out that I am getting back on birth control pills, because of course then I could do whatever I wanted. Sigh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I agree Neak. But there is the very real possibility that you won't want him back.

Pain does funny things to us, in a delayed reaction sort of way.

I am so very sorry this has happened, but I have read about it in others sitch's for over a year now.

I do however believe that your WH is a good guy who got caught up in a bad thing and doesn't know how to get out of it.

Give him the consequences now, so the path home will be shortened and less burdened by additional damage.

Neak:

This really struck me. You said:



Early on in our Recovery, I expressed my anxiety to FWH, basically saying: "What if you do it again?"

He responded by saying almost exactly what you said here: "At least you will know that YOU did everything YOU could". He respects me for the fight. Most importantly, I am thankful for what I have learned about myself. How strong I could grow to be, how strong I am....

So good that you are going into this knowing that already. Also, you, unlike me, do not have to be PUSHED....

STAY STRONG!!

I am too cranky about this to have to be pushed. It just boggles my mind how stupid he must think I am. Fogfogfogfogfogfogfogfog.

Weaver, good point about whether I would want him. It's hard to say what this would have been like without the kids, but I have definitely fought longer and harder because of them. However, I will not be the wife of the OW's BF even for their sakes.

He is sooooo toast! (He was already toast, but now he is toaster.) And I am sooooo smart! At least in spots. Mostly. Remember the funny little story he told me last night, showing me exactly how his phone gets bumped and makes calls? Well I finally just had a chance to examine the phone more closely, and it does indeed scroll down a list like he showed me, but GET THIS - it does not scroll down through his contact list. It scrolls down THROUGH THE CALL LIST!!!!! So if the phone did indeed call her, and it didn't, it called her from his recent calls list. HA! And, oddly enough, OW is suddenly removed from the contacts list, doubtless so her name doesn't keep popping up right when it's most inconvenient.

And I have now gotten a response to my email, as follows:
"I don't know that I would call hanging up and not talking on the voice mail communicating. I have got many hang ups and just background noise on my voice mail. The last time was friday or saturday, maybe have AJ remove my phone number from his cell phone."

This is kind of funny to me, because she values her 'honesty' very highly, and this is chock-full of classic deceptive techniques designed to give the impression that no communication has occurred without coming right out and lying about it. Classic evasions, classic distractions, classic everything. (Maybe she's seen the idiot tattoo, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) And clearly she was coached.

This would all be fascinating if it weren't me.

Sweetie, I am so sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> If I'd had any notion, when you were little, how much trouble that idiot tattoo was going to cause you as an adult, I'd have had it put in a much less obvious place. This whole forehead thing has really turned out to be a bad idea, hasn't it? Personally, I think he's called you an "honorary blonde" one too many times, and has started to believe his own hype. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Keep a list of all this stuff (from the past few months), so that the next time he shares with you his insights about how you should not try and spy on him or catch him out, because he's a professional and "will always be 3 steps ahead of you," you'll have something to share back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

One document prepared, 3 to go. Feedback welcome.

OW,

By the time you get this, I will already be discussing with AJ the future of our marriage, as well as the current situation with you. You need to be aware that in spite of his outright lies and your attempts at evasion, I know the two of you have been communicating at least by phone.

Back in May, AJ agreed to my terms for reconciliation, one of which was to end contact with you for good. He is once again being faced with that choice, and will be free to choose whatever course he wants to take. You will be notified shortly one way or the other, either via an email that spells out his wish to remain with his family and no longer have any type of relationship with you (zero contact), or he may decide to leave. It's entirely up to him.

However - IF he chooses to continue in our marriage, there is something you must know. If he again breaks his word and communicates with you in any way, shape or form, or if you attempt to communicate with him, I will immediately and without warning spread the truth of your adulterous relationship with him to everyone I possibly can. This will include anyone I know in this area who might know you, and every T***** in the state of W********. I will show proof of what I say lest they be tempted to doubt my word. I will even include pictures of the three adorable children whose lives you are willing to ruin for the sake of your own pleasure.

This is no empty threat. Just as a mother bear will viciously attack anything that could endanger her cubs, so I will fight for my family with the most deadly weapon I possess: THE TRUTH!

With utmost sincerety,
Neak

I acknowledge that I may be just catching up with your situation.

Why are you communicating with/threatening the OW?

Go ahead and expose her relationship with your WH without warning her about this.

OW does not in any way want to be exposed. Her ex-BF with whom she still lives and co-owns a house (they put in a divider to accomodate the new GF, now pregnant <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) never yet has found out that OW's "BF" is married. I truly believe that the threat of exposure alone will carry almost as much weight as the exposure itself. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is my take after considering the entire sitch. Also, this has not yet been sent; it is awaiting the time when I finish confronting WH. Which will be after the other 3 documents, including a new PBL, are prepared.

Neak - Don't send the letter. It will only give the OW more power in your life, and more hope that she can hang on to your husband. I WOULD expose her though.

Get busy on the Plan B letter, and post it here.

I appreciate the input, B & Mimi. I am dying to expose her, though I resisted while I thought there was NC because I didn't want to be spiteful, and that definitely would have been. Could you give more clarification about how threatening to expose first would give her more power? It feels like I would have a lot more power, but I know this is probably one of those counter-intuitive things, too. Any further info will be much appreciated.

Right now I am working on my "this is why you are so busted" letter, then I will do my PBL, then my "this is what you have to do if you want to stay married to me" letter. I will post all 3 of those as I finish them and ask for input. When they are as perfect as we can all make them, I will launch.

Hi, Neak,



Because she would have time to think up something before you expose. For instance, she could tell all her friends before the expose, "I am being harassed by some crazy nut who is making wild accusations about how I am sc***ing her husband! Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life?"

She would have time to think up some glib explanation, similar to the above. in response to any questions her friends/acquaintances might ask.

Nope! It's better to expose her and have her stuttering and blabbering when she finds out. Stuttering and blabbering in such a way that whoever she's talking to will think, "Yep, it's true, all right!"

LC

Hmmm. This is going to take some thought, but is very doable. She would have to be creative to explain away the scores of nasty text messages, but you're right and it's better not to underestimate her in the "I'm being harrassed by a crazy nut" department.