This is a true story regarding the parents of a girl who trained at Squids karate club. Squid discovered this story last night having not seen them for a few months.

Joan And Mike were gruff working class but golden hearted people. Larger than life personalities. Adored their daughter Roxanne who was a promising karateka. 14 years old.

They played a very active part in the running of the club - uninvited in fact sometimes: they could be interefering. But the club welcomes help, so didn't complain.

Mike was brash with the wider world but a bit henpecked by his physically larger and more gregarious wife. She was smarter than him and bigger than him. But he loved her very much.

Joan like the attention of other men. Flattery mostly it seems but she eventually started an affair with a fireman.

Mike was devastated. BS/FBS we know exactly how he felt, right ? No more words needed.

Roxanne knew too as she overheard the loud crying and shouting arguments they had.

He begged Joan to stop her affair. She mocked him openly and flaunted her fireman lover.

After a few weeks Mike went to Joan with a proposition. She could continue seeing her lover if only she would stay home. Mike felt sure he could win her heart if only she was in their home and he could show her how he loved her and how he had changed.

Joan stayed flaunted her lover still. Mike begged her to stop seeing him. She threatened to move out again so Mike once again discounted the price of admission back into his heart.

The lover would call at Mikes house to collect Joan for dinners etc. Mike would talk with Roxanne and ignore it trying to choke down his hurt, hoping Joan would see sense. He didn't want to push her away further.

Just before Christmas Joan told Mike she and her lover were taking Roxanne on vacation for Christmas. Would Mike like to come too ?

No Mike wouldn't like to come too. He had planned a family Christmas and had been putting away wages to sponsor a special Christmas for them all. Now Joan wanted to spend the money on vacation with her lover and daughter , mocking him.

Roxanne had never been abroad on holiday before and Mike wanted her best for her. In his confusion and grief he agreed Roxy could go, but he would stay.

He even drove them to the airport.

Roxy called her Dad every day. One day he didn't answer the phone.

He couldn't because he was hanging from a cord from his workshop ceiling.........

Mike is every BS in the world who is frightened to defend decent boundaries in their marriage after d-day. Joan is potentially every WS whose fog and entitlement is fuelled by BS meekness.

Roxanne is probably screwed for life. She hasn't returned to Karate since then. We only discovered the story last night.

Read this, friends and take your own lessons from it.

I read:

* BS do not discount the price of admission back into your life for your WS.
* BS do not allow yourself to be treated with disrespect. Self respect is the glue that bonds our life to its purpose IMO.
* WS realise how desperate your behaviour is making your BS even if not externally visible. Do you want them DEAD ? Divorce them, or return to them but don't fence sit, Such is DEMONIC and evil.
* Those of us who HAVE bravely and against instinct maintained boundaries and retained self respect have been BLESSED whether or not we save our marriages. By so doing we save our self respect and our souls from the corruption of humiliation.

I will seek out Mike's grave and place flowers upon it from every BS/FBS and FWS on these boards.

Thank you for reading. I have tears dripping from my chin now.

I can barely think of words to reply. How tragic and horrible for that poor child. I can imagine what must have been going through Mike's head. I've had some of those same thoughts.

I have to say that the need to protect and care for my children is what is giving me the strength to go on through my own experience as a BS - that and the support I get from my family and here. It's so sad that Mike didn't have that kind of support.

Edited to add: Could you put a flower on Mike's grave from me, too, please?

Hey Bob - No smiley face on this post for me...

I could have very well been Mike... Spent weeks practicing with my pistol... never pulled the trigger, thank goodnes.

That's why is so important for me to stick around here on the boards... Mrs. RIF and I are doing great... but there was a time when we weren't and I didn't have anyone to talk with...

I'm not going to let that happen to anyone that asks for help and is willing to fight for their M...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF, I know my friend. Me too - remember my 'off roading' incident?

Its just bizarre that a man whose hand I shook is now dead as a result of an experience we both had. Its a little scary, and also humbling that such did NOT happen to me.

I hope my words work and that other readers may learn a lesson from this. Horrible.

Great post, Bob. I hope many BS's struggling with boundaries will peek in here and read this story. You did a good job with the title, describing the post.

I have often wondered what inside us finally *clicks*, and we finally understand. Because at first, I certainly wanted to make deals such as Mike, to get my FWH to stay. I often thought of ways to escape the pain.

I think for me, a lot of it was coming here to learn, and reading other books ~ realizing I wasn't alone, that somehow if other people did this SAME thing to their loved ones, that perhaps it was more of an illness (addiction) than a personal attack on me. And the support and love from the posters here.

BUT, I have extended that support and love to some who seem incapable of setting boundaries for themselves. And I certainly cannot do it for them. Is it that one story they haven't yet read? Is it that one example they haven't heard yet, that could make it all fall in place for them? So many blame their stubborness ~ "I would set up that boundary, I know it is healthy and good for me, but I am just too stubborn and hardheaded to follow good advice." ??? I don't understand.

And yet if one of these people took their own lives from the pain, I would wonder for always ~ was there something else I could have done? But all we can do is share our experiences, encourage. We cannot MAKE someone choose to defend themselves.

This is a powerful story. If there is anyone following this same path, hopefully they will be able to see themselves in it, and make some different choices. Especially those that have kids. It's not easy, but it is possible. Thanks again, Bob.

Spidey

{{{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}} The ultimate price for conflict avoidance.

Like others, I can easily see how my situation skirted similarities here. Frightening.

My heart and prayers go out to this poor little girl and her mother. I grieve for the suffering betrayed who are still living this, and the waywards who have to live with themselves.

Thanks for sharing this, Bob.

John

dewt

Bob,,

what I admire so much about you is your insight and clarity....obatined at a high price I acknowledge...of no matter the CRAP and this is ultimate CRAP

BS
can
need
should
must

get in control of that of which they can control
set boundaries that are without threat but are with action
and protect their own self worth...

again and again I say no human on this planet is worthy and lovable based solely on anothers giving or taking away of that love...
each stands sovereign in their own place on the planet...
under Gods eye...
and of great value...

blessed are those that can hear your words Bob..

ARK^^

Bob,

Good reminder. I wish I had heeded such advice with my first husband. It wasn't I who went to suicide but him, as a lot of you know. Not even a year into him moving in with the OW, marrying her and then relapsing---he put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger. My girls tasted the bitter trouble of adults in those days. Very sad, and they will never have their father again and that stings even today. My 17 yo is getting ready to graduate from high school and got sad because he won't be there to see. He died almost 9 years ago and the pain still comes up now and then.

Tiggy

suicide ~~~ as a consequence of pathological conflict avoiding taken to the extreme ~~~ at least in this situation

how awful

Pep

I've read stories like this in the newspaper for years and pondered and then turned the page. But now, because of my own experience, I can share the despair and the tears. My own senses have been awakenend by this mess. I found emotions I didn't know existed, but never, throughout all the sadness and drama have I ever thought that the next day wasn't worth giving a chance. Oh, what a terrible thing to have on your conscience. TT

Bob, I am so glad you posted this. I have been guilty of selling myself short for a long time at the expense of my own self esteem. I have a great deal of self loathing and hatred. Right now my WH is getting screamed and cursed at by me far too often for MY OWN good. Does he deserve it? Probably, but do I feel good about my behavior? Nope. Ok, time for FF to feel good about herself and get the cheater out of the house before we too become an ugly statistic.

Bob,

With this story, you've made the point clearly - and poignantly. You couldn't have found a better way to get his message out.

Thanks for a moving reminder - not only for WS but for anyone who is being treated poorly and is suffering emotionally (or physically) from issues in their M.

Hi, Bob.

Thanks for sharing that.

Gimble.

Thanks for posting this, it was the title that made me peek. Mimi has helped me tremendously, but I have still been very weak with my boundaries and self-esteem. I have not ever thought of seriously hurting myself, I have 3 sons who need me more than ever. However, recently I just have not been taking very good care of myself. I have a doctors appt set for Tuesday morning, I am seriously underweight and just not in perfect health. I had an old scrip for Valium that I just filled last night (before it exoired), I took a whole one (10mg) and I felt drunk and happy before it knocked me out for 12hrs. Thank GOD I live with MIL and she was around to care for the boys this morning. I could easily have seen myself allowing that "peace" to happen more frequently. NOT ANYMORE. This post opened my eyes to what the ramifications could be.

Thank you sooooooooooooo much!!!!

Thank you for sharing this story with us. lambchop

Bob,

Another fine post, my friend, showing that we BSs must have a SPINE!!

EXTREME!

We have Mike who is the extreme doormat BS and Joan who is such an extreme embodyment of evil self-centeredness that I would find the story unbelievable, if it wasn't coming from you.

This is more than infidelity, but cruel and inhuman mental abuse, to flaunt the lover.

Halfway through the story I was yelling.. Expose! Expose!!

Funny how MB conditions our responses.

k


EDITED TO READ: FENCE SITTING!!?? Just went back and read the title of the thread. Can we really call what Joan was doing fence sitting?

Hi Krusht.

I met Joan. She isn't the anti-christ.Like most WS I guess she didn't have her affair with a desire to hurt Mike. He was just collateral damage of her addiction. She was a WS who had her already mile-wide streak of entitlement fuelled into a superhighway by Mikes' meekness and conflict avoidance.

Who knows what she wanted from her affair?

Joan is wrecked now. Alone, no fireman, no Mike, no respect from her DD, nobody. Just her and her guilt.


And Mike? Poor [censored] stopped the affair, didn't he ?

Its all too sad Krusht, and to me is a lesson because it is NOT extreme, just typical. Its the anti-MB story.

I could name six BS on these boards RIGHT NOW who are as meek as Mike was and who are just as messed up in their heads and hearts.

Joan isn't the "embodiment of Evil" either. Just a WS. I could name six WS from the stories on these boards who are just as insoucient in their behaviour.

Affairs are [censored]. BS must protect their hearts. MUST do it.

That is tragic. I guess I would never give my WS the satisfaction of that type of victory. That man must have been terribly tormented inside.

BS. There is NO excuse for accepting that type of behavior. It's better to be alone than to accept that type of abuse from anyone. I wonder if he thought he was getting back at his WS, but instead hit his DD.

Pray for that girl.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Bob,

U shared a very painful yet important story. I am sorry this happened to your student's father. The WS should carry that guilt around with her, the sad part is so will their child.

A BS should never let the A get them to that level but I certainly understand how he did keep himself there. It is very hopeless when a WS turns so selfish that incidents as you mentioned happens. Those supposed moments of pleasure will never bring happiness. I hope the BS here share this story with their respective WS and Xws. I told mine about it and also told my SIL who is right now helping her BIL deal with his WW.

I know it was painful for you to share but am glad you did.

NOt quite sure how we can give our support to the child but sending {{{mb hugz}}} to you and your family, please share what you can with the little girl.

Aloha,
L.