Orchid, I am at a loss to know how to help Roxy. You should know also that Joan is utterly distraught. Lets not get too judgmental. YES she bought this about her own ears but she has a daughter to rescue.

Roxy is the only important remaining thing here, and he rMom getting he rhead and soul right is important.

I don't feel qualified or appropriate to talk to her. I was wondering if Squid might be able to - as a FWS she may beable to offersome empathy. I dunno.

Its a horrible mess. I am pleased that many seem to be taking this story to heart however.

I feel I avoided Mike's path by an inch only. Scary.

I don't know what drew me to this thread Bob but I have not been posting very much lately due to my own demons and thoughts. I have a few tears running down my cheak as I type this note.

Not to long ago I also had those thoughts but thanks to many of you, I found an inner peace to help me through these terrible times.

Today Cindy1970 and I are doing better like all couples we have are good days and I have my bad day's.

Please find that mans stone and place those flowers with love.

I also bartered with the devil in keeping my ws home and regretted every moment of it until I found that boundry.

Anyone having these thoughts should read this post and re-think it.

suicide is

a most

hostile act

much of the time

a suicide

is a symbolic homicide

he did hurt his wife

and his daughter

and his was as selfish a choice

as hers

~~~~~~~~

I once worked closely with a physician who killed himself

at work
during the busiest hour
by jumping off the 10th floor balcony

this was nothing less than a "F-YOU !" to everyone in the building

I knew him well
he had AIDS
but was not getting help
he was being investigated for writing large narcotic prescriptions for his friends
he had 2 children

he was a very selfish man who killed himself in a most public way

and I could not bring myself to be generous in my prayers for him for quite some time

I was too angry

I thought he was a jerk to do this

and he took his "entitlement" to a grand scale ... his jelly-face on concrete was impossible to ignore

he missed hitting others by inches

shame on him

I can now think of him with kinder thoughts

but I can never admire what he did

it was very hostile

as suicide often is

Pep

Once again a child is left to pay for the sins of her parents. Both of them.

I couldn't respond to this post yesterday, it ticked me off too much.

But Pep found the words I couldn't find.

Thanks for posting this story Bob....heart wrenching at the very least. A wake up call for some. And a "there but for the grace of God" situation for most of us.

I agree....it's VERY anti-MBers. If nothing else happens after a BS comes to this site, at the very least we can learn to take care of ourselves.

There ARE worse things than being alone.....

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I'm bumping this one up to the top for a couple of reasons:

1) There are a lot of people who come here to MB who lurk, reading posts and learning stuff, but never really writing. If anyone out there is a new or newish Betrayed Spouse (BS) and you are feeling like life is over and the pain is too much for you to bear, I am bumping this one for you so you can see how many BS's here have felt EXACTLY that way too. Finding out that the one you love has betrayed you obliterates the foundation upon which you have built your life, and for lots and lots of people, that is just too painful!! You're not alone, and it's nothing to be ashamed of--I suspect most of us that are BS have been there, and through the grace of God and some support here on MB, we managed to live. Speaking from personal experience, I cried 24 hours a day for 3 days when I found out, and it felt like my heart had been pulled out of my chest while I was still alive. For those 3 days, I literally lived 15 minutes at a time--delaying my hand for 15 minutes and then another 15 minutes and then another 15 minutes. Okay...it's not brave and courageous, but I'm still alive, right?? I've been here on MB for about 5 years now, and I can't tell you how many people are alive today because I stayed up all night with them--or other people here on MB stayed up all night typing. My point here is not to boast but just to let you know, if you're a new BS, the pain can feel unbearable but do what you have to do to live. Protect your heart any way you can.

2) There are a lot of people who come here to MB who lurk, reading posts and learning stuff, but never really writing. If anyone out there is a new or newish Wandering Spouse (WS), I know that you think your spouse has hurt you so bad that you "deserve to feel like this" and that slowly you have gradually justified investing more and more of yourself into your Other Person (OP), but please consider this. It's not an exaggeration AT ALL to say that what you are doing really may kill your spouse, and whilst you may be very darn mad at them, I'd bet your intention is not to kill them. Here on MB, we sometimes call an affair (A) an addiction because it's so much like that...just like a drug addict can not stop taking their drug even though they destroy their own family, their own health and lose everything they own...so a person in an affair has trouble seeing what their behavior is doing: destroying their own family, their childrens' and spouse's health, and losing everything they worked for years (even decades) to achieve. Yes, I won't kid you--breaking it off with your OP is going to hurt and feel crummy for a while (like going cold turkey)...you'll miss the way the OP made you feel and sharing yourself with the OP, but it IS like an addiction, and the symptoms of the cold turkey will subside.

You may be very angry at your spouse right now--I get that. You may end up having to leave the marriage because of basic personality differences, mental health issues, etc.--I get that too. But have the personal responsibility and respect for your spouse to end the affair, deal with the issues you have between you and your spouse, and leave the parent of your children with some dignity. If you made a mistake, have courage and admit your mistake--you're human and it could happen to anyone; if you broke trust, take the time and make the effort to rebuild the trust by being accountable. But for the sake of your spouse MAKE A DECISION!! Today!!!



FNCJ

Seej that is a sage post from you. I am sure you are touched by this brother BS of ours who couldn't carry his cross another step as I am.

I am one that you carried and mopped my brow many nights. I'll never forget that...

One thing that stings me with Mike is that his timeframe is MY timeframe. Joans affair started August, Squids in July.

If only I'd heard about this sitch sooner I might have taken Mike for a beer and introduced him to MB principles....helped him in some way... Exposure may help the BS as well as ending the A. if people don't know, people can't help. Mike never exposed to anyone.

I utterly empathise with him. There but for the Grace of God go I.

Incidentally I understand Mike was cremated.

I'll leave a posy at the gardens of rest for him from all of us MBers of good will.

pep
Not everyone is brave.
Not everyone can fight this ultimate demon
Some people just want peace from the hopeless agony of betrayal.
I don't think Mike did this TO his WS and DD. He just needed out. Poor [censored].
Maybe I am soft 'cos I was two feet to the left from preceding him eight months ago.
Horrible all round. Horrible.

frightening....thanks bob for posting this.

Not saying I considered ending it all but the thought of driving my car off a bridge sounded like a great alternative to the pain for a bit.

Thank God for my kids or I might have.

Do what you can for the survivors Bob, the kids gonna need all the help in the world.

I agree.

Some of us emerge from childhood with our spirit flattened. We don't have much bravery. We don't even have the building blocks to develop it. We're not good at standing up to things. Knowing that, we look to find safe paths. We marry and we keep our promises, we do our very best, so that our spouse has no reason to betray us.

When we're let down, when our spouse taunts us for our lack of gumption, we have nothing to answer with. That's why we were such a good spouse in the first place, to avoid this. We had no warning that it was going to happen, no time to build up our inner resources. We'd insured ourselves by being as good as we knew how as a spouse - but the insurance has failed.

To kill yourself and leave a loved child is an act of desperation. He must have been hurting very much.

If we can feel compassion for those who wreck their lives and their spouse's lives and their children's lives - of their own free will - looking for escape...can we not also feel compassion for someone who sought escape from searing pain that was inflicted on them by another? Is our compassion only for the fighter?

Some people just can't fight. Just can't. They don't deserve contempt.

TogetherAlone

I dont think he did it as punishment either.

In The Beginning, Sprint was suicidal - not to punish me, but to end the pain, disappointment he had. He was hurting more than he possibly thought he could and he just wanted it to stop. What's a better thought at that point? Go through months of uncertainty, more pain, etc, etc or just quickly end the pain.

That is such a sad story Bob. It pains me so much to know that I, the FWW, got my H to the point where he felt like Mike did and we almost had a world without him.

My prayers will go out to that little girl tonight.

-ds

DS don't foget Joan too. You of all people can imagine what she feels right now.

Its all too foul. Infidelity is one powerful demon. Maybe satan's best and most effective on Earth.

I will lay the flowers this weekend if I can.

An update

I discovered Mike was cremated. I laid a posy of carnations in the memorial gardens today with a note that read:

"Dear Mike
Know that many strangers who have looked into the same crack of doom as you mourn your passing.
We will strive to use your story to prevent yet more poor souls taking your path through the evil of infidelity.
Rest in peace, friend.
Your brothers and sisters at MB "

OMG!!

I dreamed last night... well let's just say this struck me.

My heart goes out to that pooor child! God bless her now and always!

* bumped as requested *

On Sept 28th, 2004 (one day after D-Day) I placed my Smith & Wesson 9mm in my mouth and practiced killing myself.

I even went online and found a site on how to Blow your Friggin head off without becoming a vegetable, guaranteed death.

I sat there for 3 hours contemplating Suicide. I'll never forget this day. I prayed so hard I was spitting up blood, my stomach was in knots.

I was in sooooooooooo much PAIN, I just wanted it to END.

Thank God I didn't do it. I thought of my kids at my wake and my funeral. I couldn't do this to them.

I also remembered an article I had read on how Children of parents who committed suicide had a much higher % of doing this themselves.

I didn't want to them to ever think this way.

Now, I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay stronger. In fact, I'm thinking about leaving my wife, LOL. What a 180.

Bob - thanks for the documentation of this incident.

I think it is the pain. I know for me that it was. I was looking for a train to park in front of. The pain is SO SO bad.

Gotta think of those kids!

Thanks for the encouragement to all of you!

Ohhhhh, I wish she would come back. (to the marriage)

My prayers to Joan and her daughter.

An update

We attended a Family Karate Club event last night. Roxanne - the daughter was there and we spoke.

Relations betwen Roxy and her Mom are unbelievably strained. Roxy hates her mom for her infidelity and blames her for her Dad's death.

Mom's BF dumped her and she's had a succession of partners since. She drinks heavily.

A row last month escalated to greatly that her Mom tried to strangle and beat Roxy. She escaped and called Childline (a UK child abuse charity) and they called the police with her.

Roxy is now living between friends and relatives to keep out of the way of her crazy mother. She turned fifteen last week. This is no way for a 15 YO to live...

Her mother is a portrait of self hatred and is drinking herself to death about now.

....And they call them 'love affairs'. * shakes head *

Your prayers for Roxy and her mom if you have it within you please.

Bob,

I'm just now reading this. Thanks for posting the story. I don't want to end up like Mike either. I will make it through this one way or the other.

I know I need to be stronger.....I really am trying.

thanks again!

Kim
D-Day 5-14-05
DS age 5

Kim
Thats why I posted the story.

Study, learn by INSTINCT the right things to do and you will be fine.