Hi barking.

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess.
And if you are anything like me, I think the source is your insulted manhood. Another man has taken what was promised to you. Was GIVEN what was promised to you.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying, Barking. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to wail and wallow in pain like MIKE did here. This will remove your life from the pain, but not the pain from your life.
2. Divorce your WW while you are in pain and not thinking straight. Even God allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn't remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
BS your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever any of you decides permanently now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge barking ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the self pity. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.

All blessings

You seem a little hard on yourself Spud.

Let's be realistic...sometimes we just cannot fix things.

Some things are out of our control.

But thats what makes us special.
We have the ability to...

take charge.

of ourselves.

You come across in your posts as an articulate sort of bloke, use that to your advantage mate.


You also mentioned a lack of resources, have a looky at your first paragraph here on this page. Let's stem the flow of that torrent of pain...have a look at what you have got. Those kids of yours sound like a gold mine.

Tomorrow is a good day.


Max

BP, MM, Thank you for the kind words. I've not experienced anything like this before in my life. BP, this is my first marriage and I intend to keep it that way. I've read SAA and The Five Love Languages. They all exude much common sense and I completely understand the Man up thing and get out of the rut of self pity.

It seems that my snooping is what triggers my state of mind so, when do you just STOP and not snoop anymore? My kids are my proverbial shining light and THAT is what keeps me going day to day. Hope everyone (in the U.S.) has a great 4th of July holiday!

BS

BS...

Your children are blessed to have you.

Happy 4th to you.

Eibrab

BS sorry I thought I read you'd been divorced previously. The rest of my words stand in any case.

All blessings

BTW BS, you don't have to snoop. Th eonus should be on yoru W to behave ina transparent an dtrustworthymanner, not on you to snoop.

Problem is for this to work you need personal boundaries. These are minimum rules for the treatment you will stand and still remain in your marriage.

Mine were ( and remain)

NC for ever
Transparency in activity
Investment in me / protection of me from hurt.

If Squid violated those persistently I woukd divorce her. Once she realised I was serious about this she stoppped contact and started being transparent.

Think about it BS. I can post more on this if you want.

BP, Again, thank you. So, I've told WW that NC was a "condition" but she couldn't (or wouldn't) do it. As far as transparency, she is very good about communicating about activities and her general whereabouts with no periods of unaccountable time. And as far as her personal investment in me, she's only promised she would "try" as best she could.

One test I've thrown out there over the past couple of months is a simple question, "what would you do if he (OM) showed up at your doorstep?" she's answered both times "I don't know" so, her addiction is a VERY STRONG one so, it will take quite a bit of time to break the bonds. My concern right now is I've not seen any evidence of (two way) contact for about 10 days or so although there is always a possibility that he has been contacting her at her work. So, I guess I'm awnsering my own question as I should just assume they are in contact until WW can commit to NC without any doubt.. BP, I must tell you that this dialog really helps me and I hope you will continue....Perhaps we should move this to another thread? I have one here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3026840


Thanks again....

BS

^^ bumped for stph20, roadlesstravelled and other BS whomay feartoplan B or police personal boundaries. ALl blessings ^^

bark,

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT my WW is going thru too now.

OM was her last BF during the turbulent years of her life growing up,she had an abusive past and he was a shelter i guess.

OH MY GOOD!!!! PLEASE BOB TELL ME THAT YOU JUST MADE THAT STORY UP!

Marcus

Why would I do that ?

Every word is true.

A was afraid that it was...It just so horrible.that it was wishful thinking from me.hopping that you just made it up..

I dident mean that you are a liar ....

if you se roxanne give her a BIG HUG from me

Marcus

I haven't heard about Roxy since she stopped coming to karate training.

I'll get Squid to ask about her when she trains tonight.

The story is very sad and too close to home for many of us to read often.

this is just so sad to read ......



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> unfortunately

Spidey

herself surrendered to meakness/weakness/victimhood

Spidey's WH won the "let's make an adultery deal" lottery jackpot

"open marriage" ... for HIM

sad sad sad

sad

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Pep ~ do you mean that Spidey is tolerating and LIVING in an "open marriage"?

OMG, I hope not. She (and ALL of us) is worth waaaaayyyy more than that.

This is THE most tragic thread I have ever read. I feel sick to my stomach.

What Mike did WAS selfish ~ but, it DOES go to show how much PAIN, true, physical and deeply emotional this hurt is, that the BS goes through. It DOES feel unbearable at times.

Not that this has ever been an option for me ~ but I HAVE thought that it sure would be nice to just go to sleep and not wake up...so has my FWH. Sad, huh?

~MF

Bumped because I think this message is as relevent now as it ever was.

Take heed BS, rise up in dignity and fight the affair.

Take heed WS, is your affair worth THIS potentially ?

Wow, thanks for bumping this Bob. A tragic story which I think is so real in today's world.

Suicide was never an opion for me, and never will be But I know others who do think that suicide will help them 'get over' the pain.

But I have taken the message to heart, that NOTHING is worth giving up who we are, or what we are.

I had never seen this true to life story before. I can add another real life story with an equally sad ending.

In another life, I lived next door to a couple with two kids, a boy and a girl. Bob was a tall, slender and good looking man who was a key engineer in a small company. From all reports, he made a decent living. Bob was an engineer type, who trimmed his hedges to an exact mark on the brick wall of his house.

His wife, Paula, was a large hipped woman but not all that overlarge and she worked at a large oil company about a 40 minute compute away. There were two kids, a boy and a girl. My then wife and I almost never saw them. We were busy living our lives and so were they. By all appearances, they were the perfect family. And they had been married over 20 years when this happened:

Each of the kids was doing ok. The girl had dropped out of college to get married, but I heard that she was going back in school to finish her degree after her husband got his. The boy was a soccer star at a college and was in his Junior year. According to what I was told, he was making good grades and would likely graduate.

Bob went on a business trip. He got back to the house on Saturday. Paula had moved out while he was gone and in so doing, took all her stuff and emptyed the bank accounts, leaving Bob just enough to pay current bills. They were savers and from what I heard later, she really was only going to take half their assets, leaving Bob with the house.

She left to be full time with her lesbian lover. I knew none of this. All I knew was that I had not seen Paula and that Bob seemed a bit distant when I waved at him as we crossed paths as neighbors will do. Two weeks after Bob got home to deal with the rest of his life, we both were out mowing the yard. It was a Saturday. As always, he swept the drive and trimmed his hedges to the exact mark.

I found out later that he had washed the dishes, cleaned the floors, dusted and made his bed.

Then he hung sheets over the garage door on the inside that evening. Then he got in his car that was backed into the garage and started the motor. I understand that he listened to his favorite radio station until he passed. His daughter found him the next morning. She had called him so she and her husband could go to Church with him and console him.

I went to the funeral. Paula's lover was not there. She was and so were the kids. The daughter never forgave her mom. The son maintains a cordial but distant relationship with her. I understand that the lesbian affair was over for a time, but came back later. I also heard that they had split up and Paula was with another woman. I don't know the reality of any of that. All it is is rumors.

Bob was not a person to share his emotions or talk through things. I remember asking him if everything was ok. He said sure, grinned and then went back to mowing.

I remember the 30 days of ****** I went through while my own wife ate cake after her affair was revealed. I remember calling the suicide hotline because I also remembered Bob. I remember the guy who helped me get my head on straight and think of the kids and to find my own inner strength which had been lost in the face of my wife's betrayal.

And I thought about Bob. I wish he had called the hotline.

Larry

Thanks for sharing that also Larry. Its f-up that things end in this manner and that people have to resort to suicide as a way out. May they RIP

Bob and Larry... you guys mind if I cross posted your stories onto another forum? I think this could help others out there in similar situations

Dev
Mikes story is true, and I have not included names that can trace them so I am OK for you to cross reference it if it will help anyone.