P.S. Please DON'T draft another Plan B letter. It will just underscore that you weren't serious the first time you sent one. You broke the conditions you yourself outlined. Tell MIL to refer him to the previous one. Go dark. Go very dark.

Dani, your sentimentality about the "H that was" is preventing you from seeing the "man that is." This is no time for valentines. This isn't even about marriage-building anymore. This is about a mentally unstable man in a dangerously sick relationship with a crazy OW. They mean harm, big time.

Maybe he will crash and come to his senses, but one would think he should have done so in prison. He still hasn't bottomed out -- and what that will take, given what he's already been through, is scary. Meanwhile, you must come to yours. Plan B means you STOP thinking about him and start planning to go it alone. This guy isn't ready for getting a job or becoming a provider. Resume shmesume -- he needs a shrink.

Please stop thinking about him -- except in terms of protecting yourself from both of them. Please start thinking about your future.

And I ask again: do either of them have access to firearms?

STOP THIS MADNESS !!!!!!!!!!! This is like watching a car crash in slow motion over and over again. Your WH is who he is, NOT WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE. I think you yourself are in a BS fog of epic peoportions. The OW is not making him do any of this. Please stop focusing all of your energies, etc.. on the OW and how your WH acts when he is with her. Your WH has chosen the OW over his family time and time again. He has willfully chosen to do what he has done to you and the children of his own free will.

YOu have been given great advice by intelligent, compassionate people here, YET you continue to do it "your way", and continue to get very very predictable results.

You know what to do. Untill you do it, you should "pad up" and expect to continue to get the emotional beatings you are suffering.

YOu are 100% responsible for all of this CONTINUING to happen to you. You have so much more control and power than you think.


Goodluck.

LM

Dani-
I just wanted to take a minute to post to you, as I follow your posts.
I wanted you to know I understand what you are feeling and what you are going through. Everytime you think you are okay and you will be fine with out him, he pops back into your life, and you think "GREAT- this time will be different!". He comes for you seeking adice, help, comfort, sympathy- and you get extacted, you feel like you are floating you are so happy- he needs you again, and as long as he needs you, you will have him. You do not care what you have to do to grant his request, what you have to drop or who you blow off, you want to help him. You think if you are perfect enough, you do things right, you are there for him, then he will come back and you will be happy. Am I close?

From one co-dependent wife to another- I too only feel good when my H is happy with me, when I am doing something to make him smile, or to hear praise. However now H know that and he withholds the praise or the smile so that I do that much more to recieve it. Now I do even more then I did before- and I get no response.
Dani you seem like a wonderful lady, who is making it on her own. You have moved and shown how strong you are. Now it is time to continue on with that strength, go back to plan B! Right now you are your H's "fix" he can not or will not go see OW, so he is relying on you. probably because he loves you and wants to dangle the carrot so that you do not go through with the divorce, so that you continue to live for him, and partly to dangle you in front of the OW, like "fine I will go back to my W!" to make her jealous.

Gather your strength, keep your pride, and let him go, getting him back under these cercumstance would not be grounds for a good marriage, it would be grounds for a marriage like mine, and you deserve better. You have the chance to lay the right foundation, please think about it. Do not make it so easy for him to come walking back in your life, no matter how badly you want it, it will be better in the long run. Make him earn it, make him earn YOU- he messed up and he needs to realize it, and work towards bettering himself. Roads run two ways for a reason, and your one way street has just hit a "T".

I am not sure if this even make since but I needed to write it.

Best of luck to you.

KMEJ,
You're not only close, you’re right on....
Sad...but I guess the truth hurts sometimes.

Last night the kids and I went to my MILs house for dinner and to visit. She had told me Tuesday that she would love to see the kids and spend time together since my FIL is going on a hunting trip on Friday. She said that she hoped my WH would be there, but no promises. I didn't tell the kids that he might be there, because I honestly didn't expect him to be. My instincts were right, he was nowhere to be found. My MIL hasn't seen him in days. We all know where he is.....against his bond. My FIL said once 'When he comes home he is grounded' It made me laugh, but it also made me realize something. He is acting like a child, who deserves to be grounded. When he starts to act more like his actual age, I give him the responsibilities and credit for his age. He isn't worthy of being treated like an adult though. I give him back my love and the credit for being my husband much before he earns it back.
On his bedside table were his charges, court date information, and bail terms. He is to have no contact with the OW, her kids, or her residence, no alcohol, no weapons, etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
There was a note from OW on his bedside table as well. I read it. She basically said 'sorry' and that she deserves everything that comes her way because of this, and she hopes WH can forgive her, and 'they had something that she never had'. She is going to live our her dreams and hopes the ‘handsome beast’ joins her. blah blah blah. Barf....

I printed out another copy of my Plan B letter that I had originally given my WH. I may leave a copy on his bed at his parents house. I was thinking of mailing it to his house that the OW lives at with him, but then I thought that was a bad idea, lol.

I can do this without him, and I can do this with him, but I can’t do this with him, when he is with her.

Danielle

This is great. Tape this to your mirror, say this to yourself every time you THINK about seeing him, hoping...

Thank you SMIH...
I get 'sucked in' too easily.

He actually just called and said he was sorry for missing the kids last night. I guess he is at his parents again now. I said 'they would have liked to see you'. He said 'What I was doing wasn't worth it anyhow'. I just said 'ok'. He said 'No one cares about me, so what does it matter?' I responded with a wth tone and said 'Adam!' and he said 'Danielle' in a similar tone. The only thing I said was 'your continued contact despite the police and violence is disturbing.

If he doesn't think I care, or have shown how much I care, then I don't know what to say. What more can I do? Geeze...

Danielle

Well, you could report all this to the police and document it.

He's not a little boy. Little boys don't get thrown in the clink for attempted murder.

I think it will get violent again, because these two are hooked on the mind-bending energy of violence -- another addiction. Be prepared.

Don't talk to him. Stay in Plan B.

What would I report to the police? He didn't threaten me or anything. He was rather respecful, but down in the dumps.

Danielle

Hey Dani- if you ever need someone to talk to, I could be your support. If you want I will give you my e-mail Address and you can give me your number and I can call you with out racking up your phone bill. I know what it is like to go through what you are, and it is nice to have a friend.

I think what they were referring to is report him for breaking the terms of his release- however I think that is a double edged sword, so be careful.

I'm no expert on this, but this is what I thought of reporting.

It is indeed a double-edged sword, but you know from history that you need this documentation, in case you have to go to court again. And my best bet is that you will have to go to court again.

Maybe some of the folks on here who have more experience can tell you how to do this so that stuff doesn't fall back on your head. Maybe involving a shrink? I don't know, but you need to keep a record of this.

It's fairly apparent that WH & OW aren't learning anything from all this -- at least not enough to change the mode of operation -- so we can expect an escalating violence. Again, I don't want an angry OW showing up on your doorstep at 2 a.m. with a gun. And given what's happened already -- with hooks and OW's kids participating in OW's sadistic violence orgy, not to mention showing up roaring drunk at your doorstep at 11 p.m. and demanding to see babies, and following you when you moved out of state -- it's not entirely fear-mongering on my part.

Dani, I'd appreciate others piping in on this, but to those of us looking in from the outside, your sitch is so way-off-the-scale I'm wondering if you are taking it in.

It seems to me you could be in shock.

good point!!!!

A.M.

Shock might be correct. Honestly, to think this is all REAL is quite amazing. My MIL and I hugged each other last night and cried. Just 4 years ago my first son was born, and to look ahead and expect any of this is just too much to grasp.

KMEJ,
My e-mail is mainemomof2@maine.rr.com

As far as reporting it....I have thought of that myself. He has until June 30th, so I will wait it out a bit and see what he does.

Danielle

Again, I would get some professional advice -- from a lawyer, and from a shrink. This isn't an MB case anymore -- at least not entirely. Though some on here might be able to offer some good advice, not many of us have had to get RO's, bail advice, etc. My gut says you have to document this stuff.

See? I had to change my tag line just for you. "Don't let them scare you" wasn't entirely appropriate for a woman who, well, SHOULD be a little scared. Some fear is healthy!

A practical thought: do you have things arranged so that you are financially separate and not legally responsible for the tab he & OW could run up on their spree?

I had a friend whose wife went manic -- he filed for a legal separation fairly easily while she was unreachable, protecting himself financially from her nuttiness (including plane fares, hotel bills, etc.).

Again, check your options. You have kids to take care of, and don't want to be paying off his craziness into the hereafter.

Hey Danigirl.



He is not your husband anymore. He is a different person. You need some counseling to take care of yourself. You need to leave him to hit ROCK BOTTOM. Take care of yourself and your kids right now by separating finances. My once frugal (cheap) wife just spent $2000 on airplane tickets for OM to fly to Europe and see her to say goodbye last weekend! This is a woman who shops EXCLUSIVELY from the clearance section of outlet clothing stores!!!

If your husband does come to his senses, you can think about the old husband, but right now he's gone.

Suck it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Look in your children's eyes and think about the lesson you're teaching them and how it will affect their future relationships. Unless you want them to experience the same pain, you need to set a good example. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Plan B means not contacting him at all, or letting him contact you. You should also seriously consider if it is safe for your WH to be alone with your kids. (I'm not sure if you already did that or not.)

Financially we are not attached, at all. Nothing is in 'our' names anymore. The only loan that we have joint is an old car (that doesn't run anymore) which we only owe 340 total. He can run him self into the ground financially, which he seems to be doing quite well.
He has his debt (44K) and I have mine.
Onto the children... He is not allowed alone with them, and he knows it. He can visit them at his parents house with me there. He can choose to be there when we visit (at least weekly) or he can choose to be gone (which he has done so far). He can't take them, or see them without me there.
He hasn't earned that yet, and may never. I am very protective of our children.
He doesn't know where I live, and hasn't asked me either, because he knows I won't tell him.
I havn't obtained an RO against him, because I don't feel the treat right now. If I do, I will be the first one to get a RO.

Danielle

I'm not so sure showing up on your doorstep drunk and yelling at 11 p.m. isn't a "threat" -- but be that as it may, a RO might be nice, but he has shown no respect for the law so far. If he does become threatening, an RO will give you credibility in court, and help from the police (should they show up fast enough), but that's about all.

I'll say it again: do get pepperspray. Think of the OW confronting you somewhere, and you needing protection. What she did to WH, she might try on you -- especially if she suspects she is losing WH.

seriously dani....it would have been funny...your in laws should have reported him as a missing person...you had not heard from him in more than 24 hours...you all tried to contact him...he left stuff behind...and you have the evidence of what OW did to him physically during the fight....that was enough to warrant an investigation...they would have gone to her house first and found him and arressted him...taught them both a lesson....then maybe he would have not left especially his parents like that. Just a thought.

SIHW

Ooooooohhh, Dani! You did get a copy of the "handsome beast" letter, didn't you? Great evidence. Save it for the courts!