Hey Guys,

Had a MAJOR meltdown last night. I cried for an hour while the whole family was asleep. I'm just so unhappy. I was telling my H that all I ever wanted in life was to be married and have kids. I didn't want fame, I didn't want to be a millionaire, I didn't want to climb the corporate ladder. All I wanted was to be a good wife and mom. And now that I reached this goal/dream I've never been more unhappy in my whole life. Now looking back on it, I would have wanted to make money or be famous or something. Don't think I'b be happier per se, but at least I would be looking out for me and not believing someone else would.

I asked him why he didn't leave when he had the chance. Leaving would have made things so much easier for me. He abandoned us for 2 weeks and I could have let the kids know daddy made that decision not me. But I can't bring myself to have my kids suffer, even though part of me thinks "won't they be better off if I'm happy?" Right now I'm not pleasent to be around.

Anyway, he told me because he never stopped loving me which is a bold face lie! He told me right before he moved out that he didn't love me anymore. I really thought he was going to say the truth which was 1) he realized OW was a tramp and they had no future together or 2) he wanted a family and kids period...nothing to do with me. All night I kicked myself for being so nice to him even when he was horrible to me during the A. If I had made him dislike me during the A (by treating him the way he treated me) then maybe he would have left...and now my life would be so much easier. All the decisions would be made for me and I wouldn't have to work soooooo hard at something I don't want to work hard at half the time.

I resent all this hard work. I resent having to push aside feelings and be nice because it is work and I shouldn't have to work on this. I worked hard for 7 years to be a loving and supportive wife...7 years! So what good is fixing this if that wasn't good enough? I feel so stuck and I'm so unhappy. In all my 34 years I've never been so unhappy for such a long period of time. Like I said before, even when I'm happy I'm not.

I think if I remarry, I wouldn't make my expections for marriage so high. I wouldn't expect him to be faithful or look after me. I'd do that this time. I think because I'd start a new marriage with lower expectations (since I know better now), that if he cheated I wouldn't be as devestated as I am now. Make sense? But I don't see how I can continue with the guy I believed in most has so let me down. This is a bit drastic, but I really feel this way. What if I found out Jesus wasn't our savior? I wouldn't worship him anymore. I wouldn't spend time with him and his words would mean nothing. That is how I feel about my H. I didn't worship him, but I sure did believe in him and I don't anymore. And it makes me sad and mad and all my hope in my future feels gone.

Anyway, we leave Monday for a week. SOOOO not looking forward to this anymore. Thanks for letting me vent. I just want to start my life over. If it wasn't for the kids...
2

(((((((((((((2)))))))))))))),

Oh 2,

You know that I know how you feel. I have been there...still get there. I also, in my 34 years, have never experienced that much pain. I live with it everyday, too.

This is what I have decided. I think I am mad at MYSELF as much as I am mad at my H for his affair. I do not blame myslef for his decisions, but I recognized that I did not follow through with my suspicions and, FOR ME, I told him to keep their friendship out of our marriage. I think that one thing made all the difference. He felt like he could not come to me with his feelings about things she was saying...and definitely not when she kissed him. I would have forgiven him...heck, I probably went and kicked HER *ss...but he did not realize that. THAT was my fault, and I am MAD at myself for trusting him.

As for the "next hubby" lower expectations.....I have done that in my marriage now. I have read that second marriages actually have a lower chance of survival than first marriages. I have also decided that even though I have lost most of my trust in my H, and even a lot of love...I still trust him more than ANY other man, and love him more than anyone(except my kids) on this planet. I cannot even be at my mom's house without wanting to talk to him. Sometimes, I wonder if it is just habit...that is why I felt he stayed with me. I also do not believe that he is here b/c he always loved me...he also told me that he felt he was falling out of love with me, but.....I have decided that I cannot leave(although sometimes I also think my kids would be better off with me happy and not so sad...especailly when my 2 year old sees me cry and says "oh No, Mommy...no cry...I love you, too), so I have decided to just make the best of what I have. The fairy tale is GONE..can never be recaptured...but that does not mean that we cannot live with each other and write a new story together.

I believed in my H completely...NEVER in a million years believed he was capable of the lying and blantant disregard for my feelings. I always believed I was enough for him...that I was his perfect woman...b/c he was mine. He proved that I am not the perfect woman for him...that I am not his soulmate....but we have three beautiful daughters...and I refuse to let MY selfish and what I THINK marriage or life, for that matter, should be to interfere with THEIR lives. I love them more than myself.

Like, Holiday said, it is a choice. I am choosing to love him. I am choosing to believe him. I am choosing to improve myself so that if he does this again( and to be honest, part of me believes he will) then at least this time I will not think I am lacking in ANY way. It will ALL be him...and why would I want my kids to be raised by a man like that.

Vent all you want. Email me privately if you need to as well. I know you will make it, no matter what. You are a strong woman. Keep your faith and lean on it!

Sorry....another long post!!!!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Okay you two!!!
Stop right here.
First 2, I don't believe in anti depressant drugs, so what vitamins are you taking? I suggest a good dose of flaxseed, black cohosh and vitamin E and the B vitamins. You're emotions are "running the show". Keep up on your cardio. All this dwelling needs a place to physically let go.

You are no good to your family feeling like this. Whether you are crying late at night or not, your kids are feeling your vibrations. Maybe you need more IC.

And if A's aren't about US, and you were both great wives before, why are you worrying now about being "more perfect". The A is our H's issue. As 2 first told me, "I will not own this", only indirectly because it affects me.

Our H's DO love us. They would have left otherwise. Praise be to God that they are here making our families try to become whole again. But we must be patient!!!

2, tonight before bed (do you have a little journal? if not, get yourself one) you too True. Before you go to bed each night, make a list of all the good things that happened that day. ONLY THE GOOD THINGS. Wake up and read them. Rejoice!!

holiday

Yes, I have a journal and write often. I have a presciption for anti-depressants that my doctor prescribed, but before I took them, the depression lifted I believe as a result of my consistant exercise routine. Unfortunately, despite the exercise, I have fallen back into this horrible depression because even after all of this, he went and blantantly disregarded my feelings and went to a bar while he was out of town.

He keeps saying he is sorry. Sound familiar?! He asked me tonight if I wanted him to come to a BBQ that we are invited to. I said "since when does what I want matter?" I guess he's coming.

Today I was driving and passed a bridal party taking pictures at a park and started crying. I remember being that happy. I'm just so sad now. I can't believe this is what my life has turned out to be.

I really started thinking for the first time today that I wish I hadn't found out. Ignorance is bliss. I used to tell my H if you cheat on me don't tell me. What I don't know won't hurt me. I started kicking myself today for calling her and finding out the truth. He was determined that I not know and lied til he couldn't anymore. I don't think my finding out ended it, because apparently it ended 3 weeks before d-day. But since they work together I'm sure contact would have continued and who knows where that would have led. I guess there was no other way except that I know, but I wish I didn't. I'd be happy today without this knowledge.

I've begun to fantasize about re-marrying. I know 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate, but I know several couples (friends of my parents) whose second marriages have stood the test of time. That gives me hope. I don't think I trust my H more than any other man. I have now and have had in the past several dear male friends who looking at it now have treated me better than him. They helped me move, lent me money and supported and loved me like a sister. I can find another man, no doubt.

I don't worry about being more perfect (that would be hard to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I do take better care of myself because I see nobody else will.

Thanks you guys for being such loyal friends. Tomorrow is my last day to vent before I leave for a week. I hope I don't go through withdrawals.
2

[color:"green"] Good Evening ladies....

First, Holiday, I also have a journal and have had it for a long time. I also have a personal blog site online that I goto sometimes. I will have to send you all the site so that you can check it out:)

Also, I am not trying to be perfect. I know I cannot be. The only reason I am working on me is for me and my family. It is not b/c I think it will help deter another affair. Believe it or not, I like to do things for my H. I have always loved to do things for him just b/c I love him. I vent a lot and say some mean things...but this hurts me so much only b/c he was the only person I EVER wanted to be with and I LOVE him so dang much. I hurt b/c he did not feel the same way...but, you know what??? I STILL LOVE HIM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

One more thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You would be soooo proud of me. Remember, I am up at my mom's house...well my H is going out with his employees tonight. I know that they will drink some and possibly go to a bar...I told him that he could use his best judgement and do what he thought was right. Major step for me...plus, I have not worried about it tonight. I actually feel pretty good:) YAY!!!!

2,
I also cry everytime I pass a bridal party. I cry about once a day, still, in the 7 month since d-day. You are not alone...but I agree with Holiday, you might need some more IC. I can't believe I am here either...and that my best friend in the whole world let me down. But I believe that everything in life happens the way it is supposed to happen. It may not be what we think should happen, but it happens the way it is SUPPOSED to. May not be help in your mind at the moment, but has given me comfort. I only know a small part of the picture God is painting...I think I quoted that before(Steven C. Chapman song). I hang on to the hope that someday my eyes will be open to the "why" this had to happen; until then, I improve the things that I see lacking in myself and know that I am doing my ABSOLUTE best.

We will be thinking and praying for you all next week.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

OK Guys,

So I went to the BBQ last night. Hanging out with some "happy" couples and the kids. My 20 month son was up on the playset and I went to help him down, so we were at about eye level. He was so precious and cute and I said to him "I would do anything for you" and right at that moment like lightening struck I felt something say "Love my daddy." As I tried to argue with the feeling I heard myself say "I would do anything for you" and I realized I had to love his daddy.

So I went inside and hugged my H and told him I was sorry. I told him that I still thought his actions were wrong and inconsiderate, but that I was sorry for how I treated him. He just said he understood and that was that. We had a nice evening and now we are in the right place to enjoy a week away together.

There it is. I've felt like this before when I've been in a total funk for a long time that I can't seem to get myself out of. It seems like others prayers have lifted me up out of it. So thanks for your prayers. Literally in an instant, it all went away.

Today is my last day! I'm going to miss you.
2

Alright...maybe I was using too hard of a word like "perfect" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I told my H the other day with a wink in my eye, while we were lounging by the pool, during a perfectly sunny mid afternoon, with that just happy to be here feeling going on between us, that if an A really isn't about me, and not because he was searching to replace me etc, then I don't need to be any nicer, more affectionate, more loving, more submissive, make money etc...he just smiled (of course I will always try to improve on myself as that is my nature), but his face told me he was a thinkin'.

A's are about the WS. I truly think my H loved me, and loves me. He was just in his own selfish world.

Funny, as far as I can remember whenever passing a bridal party, I would yell out (to myself) DON'T DO IT!!! Why do people still get married while witness to all this in the world??? God bless them! And God bless us who are making it work!

2, and you only miss for a week right?
I will be out of town too Tuesday til next Monday.
Enjoy your trip!
holiday

Enjoy your trip too holiday! True, maybe Rocked will emerge and keep you company while we are gone.
2

2 and Holiday,

Have super duper trips. I wish we were able to take more of a vacation, but b/c of our house not selling when it was supposed to we will have to put it off until this fall.

I have been out being "naughty" today. Not really, but actually time by myself and doing the things I don't ordinarily get to do. I don't know if I have ever mentioned my tattoo to you guys, but I got one on my 30th birthday(one of those silly things), it is a shamrock with my daughter's initials around it..but at the time, I only had two girls. Well, I never got my M for my littlest one, so today I went and did that too. See, naughty.

2,

I am glad you had such a revelation. I think you gave me some insight today as well. What greater thing can we do for our kids than to love their fathers and show them what unconditional love should look like. Raise them in a loving caring enviroment and show them how to live their lives through our example. I am so proud of you.

I don't think Rocked is ever emerging. All of our girl talk must have scared him off...hee hee.

Again, have super trips. I will miss you while you are away.

TTYL

True

True, without Rocked present I hope you find some support while we are away. I don't know what I would have done without you guys this last week. I will pray that you don't have a set back while we are gone.

Talk to you a week from tomorrow. I hope Rocked isn't get Rocked with this hurricane.
2

The hurricane didn't bother me and "girl talk" doesn't scare me. Have a blessed trip Holiday and 2.

True, I'm glad to hear your H is your #1 man! And congrats on the tattoo addition.

You're a blogger?

Thanks Rocked. Good to hear from you!
2

Good to hear that the hurricane did not hurt you and your family, Rocked. And yes, I am a blogger. I am going to paste in one of my entries. It was on a bad day, but I am proud of my imagery in it.

2 and Holiday...some reading when you get back. I will check in next week to see how you guys are. It will both be nice and depressing to take a short break from posting. I am glad we are all here for each other even after all these months.

Here is my one blogs( hope it does not depress anyone):


[color:"blue"] You know, they say recovering from an affair can take up to 2 years...if you ever truly recover from such a betrayal.

But let me tell you how stupid you feel most of the time...when you are not feeling stupid and pathetic for staying, you are feeling stupid for feeling so upset and hurt. You try to make each day a good day and when something triggers you back to that glorious moment of discovery(sarcasm there); then you feel like there is no end in sight.

You feel like you are drowing in the middle of the ocean and the only ship that can rescue you is sitting 20 feet away with a small leak in the side. You are trying so hard to reach the ship and repair it so that you can get to land...but with every stroke...that ship gets farther away and the hole does not get repaired, so the ship starts to slowly take on water and sink.

Occassionally, you DO reach the ship and get the puddy or metal or whatever you need to fix the *amn thing...and begin to repair...you are estatic and happier than you have ever been. You can't believe that a few short hours or days or weeks or minutes ago you were stuck in the deep dark ocean...but then a huge wave crashes over it and you are stuck back in the water trying to get back to the boat once again.

Land can't be that far can it? There has to be an island somewhere...a tropical paradise that you can live on forever. Weren't you on that island before all of this...is that just a faint memory or an illusion that was only that....a mirage..a fantasy...not reality at all.

There never was paradise...just a whole island that was in on a con...showing you a perfect place when in reality it was run with thieves and liars and cheaters. Pirates waiting for you to become so happy and content...waiting for you to trust them, so that they could steal all of your dreams and cast you out to sea to drown. Waiting for you to sleep; waiting to snatch it all away.

So, there you are in that ocean, paddling for life..hoping it will not be too long..hoping you will make it. Hoping against all hope that the ship can be repaired and will sail you to the island that you remember..or maybe even a better one.

If there is anyone out there that ever reads these blogs and is about to cheat on their spouse...please look at these and say is it worth it? Really? Is my time of happiness..my pleasure worth my spouse feeling like they are drowning. Even if you are sure you are so smart and your spouse will never find out...they will. You will be careless. I have seen it a thousand times. You are no different. Your spouse loves you...even if you do not feel appreciated and whatnot...what you are about to do will literally rip out your spouses soul and trample it. You will be casting them out to sea and saying, "Here..tread water...see how long you can make it." Would you do that in real life? I don't think anyone(except for the insane) are really that cruel.

Terrible day after infidelity. I wish they never came. Give me back my paradise...even if it IS just an illusion..a mirage...I want to feel that warm breeze on my face and the spring in my step and all the joy paradise can bring. [/color]

I told you it was from a bad day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Don't worry, I am not that depressed right now. In fact I am home again, and am feeling pretty good. Now if I could just get my H to realize that he is not evil and that I won't leave him( yes, he actually still thinks it is a matter of time).

See you next week!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Glad you're still not depressed. I blog too. Not that long...but I do blog.

I'll turn the lights off as it appears you ladies will be gone for a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

hey, just checking in between mini trips. off for a mc ride to brianhead, utah until sunday. nothing but firemen and harley's! (okay, it's not really that exciting, but sounds good) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
hope you are all doing well.
good to see rocked is still with us, even for a moment.
i will chat at you on monday.
peace,
holiday

Hi! Well, I know it has not been a week yet, but thought I would check in anyway. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Holiday, Brianhead, eh? My old stomping ground...Utah. Beautiful, isn't it? It can be a hard place to live sometimes, but the scenery is soooo beautiful that it makes up for everything else. I miss being able to go hiking in the mountains whenever we wanted to. We lived so close, and our back yard view was so wonderful.

I hope the vacations are going well for both of you ladies, and hope all is well for you too, Rocked.

I have been down a little. I got sick on Tuesday...and went into a major funk. It does not help that my H seems bent on thinking he is an awful person. I do not feel he is. I have told him that. I tell him that I love him completely and see that he is a good person who just messed up royally...but that he is making amends for that. I guess, I figure that since I forgave him...he now needs to forgive himself. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Also, I watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman yesterday. I did not know that it had to do with affairs when I started it..and I should have stopped it when I DID realize what it was about..but I am a glutten for punishment I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It was a REALLY good movie, but did put me in a funk of sorts. One thing that it did say( and 2 I thought of you during this line) was that we cannot count on any human being...we can only count on God. The woman's mom told her to wake up every morning and thank God for letting her do that and then pray for strength. I thought that was awesome and have decided that is how I will start everyday. I will also add forgiveness to be placed in my heart...as I still believe that forgiveness is a choice we make every day.

Another good line was that you may think you are over something, but that there is a test. When you are truly over something you will know it when there is a chance for revenge and you pass it up...if you do not pass it up, you are not over it. Very good insight. I thought I wonder if I would pass up an opportunity to get back at the OW. I don't think I would, yet. I wonder if I would pass up the opportunity to get even with my H. What are all of your feelings( yes, I know that revenge in any form is wrong..so don't lecture me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> )

Anyway, I look forward to chatting with you all again!!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey I just got back about 20 minutes ago. Hubby went to get pizza, so I thought I'd check in.

Nice trip. Packed a lot in, so I'm tired. But great time with the family and some friends yesterday and today.

Had an interesting experience with my H. You know I was mad for a week before we left and then decided to let it go. Well, (I hope he's not reading this anymore) but anyway, all week I felt totally disconnected from him like he wasn't even there. We didn't fight, I didn't feel anger, hate, dislike, but I didn't feel love, compassion or anything. I felt like I could take him or leave him. While he was there, we played cards and swam with the kids, but at the same time I found myself thinking a lot "I'd have just as much fun if he wasn't here." It was like this revelation that I didn't need him as much as I thought, then it gets scary because you start thinking, "I don't love him as much as I thought...I don't want him as much as I thought...so on." It was weird. When he wasn't around for things like this (during the A) I'd miss him so much. And now I kept thinking, it wouldn't have mattered...I wouldn't have missed him if he wasn't here.

It was strange for me. The upside was that that deep sadness that lingers in my heart seemed gone all week. I'd try to feel it...then nothing, just like I'd try to feel love for my H...then nothing. I wonder if this is a defense mechanism?

He told me on the LONG drive that he realizes I'm gone forever. He can never have me back the way I was. I told him he is also gone forever, I will never feel the same about him. It was sad, but very matter of fact spoken as if to say "we get it now, let's just go with what we've got."

It was hard for me to not feel cynical during the wedding (the first since d-day), but I was glad I didn't cry and get all bitter. The wedding was a blast!

So we do MC tomorrow morning. We will probably discuss some of this.

So anyway, I'm glad you guys are hanging in there. True, I haven't seen diary of a mad black woman yet partly because I know what it is about and partly because I am one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. But I'm a big fan of Tyler Perry (the guy who wrote it) and have seen several of his live musical shows. So I'll get around to it.

Talk to ya'll tomorrow!
Stacie

Have you seen "Diary of a Handsome White Man"??

Okay, couldn't help but come back and post a serious reply to True's question about passing up opportunities or not.

Personally, I battle with the head vs. the heart. My mind and my emotions wrestle quite often. I know what is right (morally, spiritually, maritally) yet at times my feelings try to influence me that things will never be "even" without my own A experience. It's the classic flesh vs. the spirit confrontation.

In reality I'm not sure any of us can say what we would actually do until we're really "in" that situation. Face to face with the opportunity. I pray for strength and lean on God's grace as the only thing that can keep me from doing the wrong thing.

Feedback?