Hey Tnt,

How are you doing?

L.

Geez, down to page 10 ALREADY!!

I am ok, I guess. Jusr sepnt the day with my Mom. It was ok, but whether she realizes it or not, she did what she always does... we were tlaking about my adoptred dad (who abused us) and she was telling me about all this stuff htat had happen between them and how she felt about him and such. This man is completely estranged from me now and he is very firmly in my past.

Still, it was yucky having to hear it all...my Mom has done this to me from the time I was little... I have always been her sounding board, her confidante, and I am so tired oif it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, Can't remember if I told ya, but the MC had to reschedule us into next week. I did not push the issues, but I am seeing big steps along with baby steps from FWH.

He was actually up late journaling the other night (something he has *NEVER* done) and he was here reading MBs, too!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

We have a "date" tonight...we shall see!

Date was really nice...H decided on the Comedy Zone and it was very funny!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

More later cause I have lots of questions, but too many eyes around and also want to spend Mother's Day with the family. Yes, H is here too! Late night and he slept over....

"Mom. If you talk about (abusive stepfather) when I am in the room, it hurts me and I will get up and leave. Please do not mention him to me again. If you forget, I will remind you one time. If you persist, I will remove myself from the discussion."

You'll have to do this probably 2 times, but I think not much beyond that. One warning. "Mom, I will leave if you talk about (name)." Then next mention of him, you get up and say "OK. I'm going." and HUG her before you leave. Be away from her at least an hour.

This must be done EVERY time consistently or it will not work. like dog training !!! ~LOL~

This is your opportunity to set a clear boundary, and practice enforcing your healthy boundary.


Best Mother's Day ever to you. I am remembering my Mom fondly today She died last year.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

sorry you lost your Mom Pep! {{{hugs}}}

I do love my Mom, I must believe she did the best she knew how...still, it is hard to not dislike her when she gets in her moods.

I was a captive audience this time. Just she and I in my car!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Nowhere to run or hide!

I have told her in the past I no longer want to hear her dis my stepfather (the one I like, she Md him when I was 13) and she will "slip" occaisionaly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Plus, I told her I no longer want to hear a word about her OMM... sucks that I even knew about this one!

She and Dad both adopted me when I was a baby, it was he that abused me... and she often abandoned me emotionally and physically! We won't even mention the emotional abuse! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My bio-Mom is a sweet lady, very meek and passive. I look just like her though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes the only way that I can enforce boundaries with Mom is with a separation... thank goodness she at least lives 1.5 hours away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OK, so here is where I am...

Thursday I had a Gyn appt and finally sucked it up and just told her I needed an STD screening! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She agreed that there is something "afoul" down there just don't which one until the pap comes back. Ewww!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

This means that H did bring something home from that wh*re and I have to be treated...the good news is it IS treatable! I am still waiting on the Hepatitis C bloodwork. H did the HIV, Hep B and Syphillis already and his were negative.

Plus I was running my tush off that day to get the kids and meet him for dinner...we have a Cinco de Mayo tradition, our favorite Mexican joint and Margaritas. By the time I got there he said he didn't have time!

I was already angry cause H had "forgotten" that I was supposed to shop with my Mom Thursday evening & scheduled appts instead! Also, he failed to go to DD13's school as he had said and he had not yet paid the electric bill like he had proimised. Add the STD on top and I was pretty much livid! Add insult to injury, OW was working there that day and I saw her as soon as I went in the door looking for him...the creepy crawlys proved too much...I lost it!

Called her a "wh*re" on the way out and then we sat in his car and talked (kids were in mine)... he was pissy and irritated, I said "fine, I am done, your stuff will be out the door" He threw the cash at me and told me to eat without him. WE DID! And it was delicious! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

His ONLY saving grace that evening? He cancelled the rest of his appts and was waiting for me when we got home from dinner. He was apologetic, sincerely sweet and apologetic! Surprise!!

He was on his knees in front of me apologizing... for the fight, the STD, that "I ever laid down with THAT WOMAN", that he hurt me. And he meant it, I felt it.

So Friday he fails to awaken for work or anything else...oh well, I gotta go to work!! HE chose to sleep out in the woods, not my issue. Out of the kindness of my heart I did try to call and TM him to get him up, but I was not going to make myself late by going out to wake him!

It was actually a *huge* boost for me! I got up and got all of my children to where they needed to be and was only 3 minutes late to work myself!

H did finally wake up and was more than an hour late with no one to prepare but himself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I realized that I would have the better end of the deal whether he smartened up and came home or whether he stayed gone... I was going ot be ok. He even recognized the significance of Friday morning! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OK, shopping trip from *ell with Mom then H & I had a date last night.

In the meantime H took the kids to swim and play while I shopped...

H picked the Comedy Zone...we normally do dinner and a movie, but this was a very pleasant change! We laughed our tushes off and I even ended up on stage and got $10 off our tab!! It was so much fun!!!

We went off and had some fun and then back to the bar right up the road frm our house. It is actually a pub, where a bunch of older folks hang out, very quiet. Anyway, H & I were drinking (obviously) and I asked to see his cell phone and he said no!!

I got up and walked out (had paid the tab with his wallet when he was in the bathroom) and he followed. He apologized, said old habits die hard and since he was drinking said he wasn't as careful about his actions. He was sincere and I was still dubious, simply cause part of me is looking for any reason to put him out... and I know that is wrong.

Still, I am hopeful, now more than I have been and this scares me to no end! I have a great deal of faith in the Lord, buit DO NOT want to feel a fool yet again, that hurts so much!! It's bad 4nough when you feel you cannot trust your S, but not trusting yourself?! That really sucks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sorry to hear about the latest setback. TNT in all honesty, are you really suprised? Do you really think you can call anything your WH says as "sincere". Remember that words from him are meaningless....ONLY actions count. I don't want to call you a fool, but you are living the modern day "groundhog day" here with him.

I mean, deep down inside are you that suprised that he did this again? ....and that his "old habits die hard"? I think your husband was not lying when he said that. Old habits do die hard, but I don't think this is a "habit" for him. He is who he is. History is repeating itself here, and I am sorry for your pain, but in the end, you have to remember that YOU are the one who CHOSE to go this route again with him. I am not judging whether this was right or wrong (only you know the answer to that), but you must realize that you are where you are because of actions that YOU CHOSE.

Remember......100% responsibility for your own life.

It is fine to feel "sad", who wouldn't be given all of the incredibly horrid things you have been through, including being exposed to an STD. BUT, you are 100% in control of everything here, so the outcomes that you are getting are in a large part of your own doing. This isn't an attack on you.....but really just an observation. Take my advice or leave it. It is ok.

These may not be the comforting words you were seeking today, but it should give you the feeling that you still control what goes on here and not feel so helpless.

Goodluck.

LM

I know I am in control, I have been for awhile!

Are you of the opinion that my H cannot change? That he will always be this WH and not become my H again?

If this is the case why do I bother? And on what is that opinion based, help me understand... is it that he has been a repeat offender? If that is the case, what of the other multitudes here whose FWS have been repeaters and yet they still mark recovery?

I am not going forward blindly, least I do not think so...

I want peace and happiness in my life. Are you believing that I cannot find this with my H?!

Anyway, H & I were drinking (obviously) and I asked to see his cell phone and he said no!!

I got up and walked out (had paid the tab with his wallet when he was in the bathroom) and he followed. He apologized, said old habits die hard and since he was drinking said he wasn't as careful about his actions. He was sincere and I was still dubious, simply cause part of me is looking for any reason to put him out... and I know that is wrong.

So...did you get to see his cell phone?

If not, I wouldn't be convinced of anything "sincere" coming from him.

JMHO
committed

TNT-RN,

It doesn't really matter what I think to tell you the truth. I think that having a WH who REPEATS betrayals of you and your marriage DRAMATICALLY reduces your chance for long term recovery. I think your WH could be say sorry a hundreds times over, and mean it, and STILL betray you. (I stole this from Pep). Your WH has a lot of emotional issues (as told by you on these boards, and those people riddled with such internal turmoil and garbage have a seriously hard time changing). ANYONE can change, but they have to really, really want to do it, and devote serious efforts to doing it.

Is your WH doing this? I don't know.

Do I think your WH can change? Absolutely.

Do I think he will? Probably not, and that is just based on my admittedly limited knowledge of the whole situation and what I read from you about him.

He posseses many intangibles that In My Honest (unexpert) opinion would be weighted against you:

These include:

1. Severe personal trauma with childhood issues, not yet resolved. Severe depressive disorder.
2. Very dysfunctional behavior with his homosexual exploits.
3. His addiction history and obvious addictive personality.
4. His multiple betrayals of you and your marriage.

These are not insurmountable odds, but to ignore them and go ahead based on "faith" would NOT be a choice I would make. But, this is your life and not mine, so you will live with the rewards (he changes) or the risks (he cheats again).

Nowhere did I ever say that he being a repeat offender marks him as "unchangeable", but that your odds of true and lasting recovery are less. There are indeed "recovery" stories with repeat offenders, but your case has a lot of issues that would be hard for anyone to overcome. These are the reasons for my opinion.

PLease remember, this is just one man's opinion, and I could be completely off base and wrong about your situation and husband. For every opinion that I offer here, you can find 100 ones that completely differ with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, so that should give you some comfort.

I will cease posting to you if that will make your "recovery" easier. I just try and keep it real, and in no way, shape, or form want to hamper your "recovery" efforts.

Feel free to tell me to take a hike with my opinion. You will not offend me.

God Bless,

LM

First, I did not say "leave me alone", simply trying to clarify your position and thought process. I would not post here and share so intimately if I did not expect ALL POVs...

No where is "blind faith" involved, my faith is based on learned behavior and results... the Lord has always seen me through and He will this time as well, whether it is with or without my H remains to be seen.

Yes, he has many issues to overcome, but so do I... I am a survivor, and I know it can be done! I was a victim of CSA, I have addictive tendencies and I also suffer from a genetic as well as situational based depression.

The only difference: I have never physically acted out the betrayals against our M that he has... I have had thoughts, but I learned to recognize them as self-destructive and head them off...and that, I believe was simply been by the grace of God... it could have easily gone the other way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Do I see him working to change, YES! This is, perhaps, the *ONLY* reason that I still expose myself to him. He is in IC and MC, he is speaking to our pastor, he says he is praying, he has read some of MBs and he is journaling, something he has NEVER done in the past.

He is quick to apologize and slower to anger, an inverse frm the past... I do see progress. Only time will tell if it is enough.

He can apologize and mean nothing...I do not believe this is the case. I am very dubious of anything that he does at this point and search beneath the surface for his true meaning... so far I have only found the meaning: "I screwed up (again) and I am sorry".

Well isn't it amazing how a couple of good days with this man has made me wonder why I worry at all?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry, my memory is NOT that short! H has been on very good behaviour, but I know that there are certain circumstances that must be met...

I hae all but decided that him finding a new place for his office *must* be met for real, true recovery to ensue. I cannot stand that my H sees his former lover on even a semi-regular basis!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Good news, the bloodwork was all negative, so the limits of the STD exposure are all down below! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am really enjoying my new job and am feeling very wanted and useful there. Just reinforces to me that *I* am the one who "has it going on" and H needs to try to get back into my good graces, not vice versa!

Don't get me wrong, I have avoided LBs and DJs, just going with the flow til the MC appt Thursday that H seems to think is the end all, be all event?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You were all right and I was wrong!!

She has been meeting him at the trailer and I am simply done!! Same OW... they took a "break" and he has now been screwing us both!! How nice?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I went to see an atty, it is $2750 for a D but I have nothing right now.

He has done it all, begged, pleaded, siad he'd change, swore we are not through... basically fallen on my deaf ears. I cannot do this anymore.

Why? Plan B? Have I not done enough to "earn" my D? How many times do I have to be cheated on?

Is there really any hope? He was on his knees and he lied to my face last night, swore on babygirl's "head" that he was NOT in an A...

Talked to the OW today too!! She says he told her just last week that he was in love with her, he denies (liar!)

Promised kids a trip to the store, life must go on for them!!

I have alot more to say, but better take them.... later (lots) more from me!

NOONE here likes to "be right" about these things. This is all $hit that you just have to learn on your own. We just wanted to try and "spare" you some pain of the inevitability of this situation coming to fruition.

As for your PLAN B questions, I don't have an answer for that. I guess it all goes back to what you want with respect to your marriage. Do you want to eventually give him another "100th last chance"? If you do, then PLan B is what you should be going into. Please review one of my last posts to you regarding why I think you are dealing with FAR MORE issues than the typical infidel situation and that the "plans" here are probably more likely to be harmful than helpful.

I don't think any of this will matter though untill you find "healing" and "recovery" for yourself. It is my "unexpert" opinion, that you are spending too much time trying to save a highly dysfunctional and destructive marriage INSTEAD of finding self love, happiness and self esteem in yourself.

Your marriage can NEVER be "functional" and "healthy" untill you find help, and learn to love yourself and stop accepting the behavior and abuse that he has bestowed on you a hundred times over.

If you go back to your old familiar pattern of stewing for a few days, and then talking to him again in hopes of "saving" the marriage, you will UNDOUBTEDLY continue to get the same results you have been getting. This will become a living insanity for you..........doing the same things over and over again, yet hoping for different results.

You have nore than earned your way out of this marriage, but the decision is still yours. You will live with the consequences of your CHOICES here.

DISCLAIMER: These are just my humble and uneducated, and unexpert opinions. They may be wrong and not apply to your situation, so feel free to take a "pass" on them. It is A-ok with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

God bless,


LM

Here's my 2 cents .... Not particularly MB'ish ... but nevertheless...

Get legal representation any way you can ... and begin divorce proceedings...

ignore his begging ....

get your ducks lined up for a separation/divorce

document everything

get a postoffice box address for legal papers to be mailed in secret

get a safety deposit box at your bank to keep papers safely

time to really DO what you know you must do in order to protect yourself

RE-check for STDs every 6 months for awhile .... maybe a year

I think he's going to yank you around more unless you speak with your feet

do NOT discuss ~anything~ with him especially your ~feelings~

and do not tell him what your plans are !!! ... if he says "What are you going to do?" ... YOU say,"I don't know." Reveal NOTHING.

call your parents and ask for help

you need some real-life support

if your H is even remotely dangerous ... get the heck out and go live with your parents

believe ZERO of what he says

believe ZERO of what OW says

trust your gut

get yourself in the most advantageous position legally possible

if you're not on anti-d's ... now would be a good time

so sorry ....

Pep

Thanks Pep.

ADs, done! Found out yesterday that I had fibromyalgia and this A triggered me into diagnosis... actually had it for years!

He just came by to drop off pet food (the cats and dogs were grateful!)

He came into my bedroom talking about this and that... he is leaving the gym, he wants to take over his father's business. He is looking to the "future" and blah-blah-blah

I stared at the wall, even when he was at my feet apologizing again and telling me he loved me. I quietly, but firmly, told him he needed to go. He did.

I have no $ in reserve, I am actually behind in my... well, everything! I called my Mom after I left the atty. She doesn't have it but is working on it.

I do not believe my state has a legal separation. The atty said under the law, because of the infidelity I can get a D in 90 days, if it is no-fault D it is a year. No worries there, he is at fault

Fibromyalgia is a very controversial diagnosis. Although I am certainly NO EXPERT in this field. Do you also have Irritable Bowel Snydrome and chronic headaches? It seems in my limited experience that this a trifecta in this diagnosis. I could be wrong though, who knows.

LM

believe ZERO if anything he says ... don't forget .... only do what YOU know is good for YOU and protective of YOU right now.

this is your H's equation for now

---> garbage in = garbage out

so sorry....

Pep

TNT......

Been reading up on your post.....



DO WHAT PEP SAYS!!!!

Otherwise, you end up like me.....round and round on the same old merry go round! The scenery changes a little bit every time you go around, but if you look close, you will see it's still the same...

Show your WH what YOU are made of! Don't do it like me, and start believing (thinking that "Oh, this is my old H back").

ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS......all yours!!!!

K

K:

Why is that advice you give good for TNT, but not for yourself? You are selling yourslef short here I think. The fact that you make the statements that you did above is kind of concerning to me. If you feel like that, then WHY are you being a masochist to yourself? It is no wonder why you feel the way you do. You will "never be able to get your finger on it" in this case.

LM

LM